布拉德·尼利神经秀（2016）

实际上并没那么难
It's less hard than it should be
发现一个死翘翘的家伙 穿得像蝙蝠侠
To find a dead guy dressed up as Batman
鸡鸡外露 拿本杂♥志♥
His penis out, with a magazine
嘴角挂着酸奶棒
And a Go-Gurt hanging out of his mouth
不过你懂的 我想说
But you know, I say
"嘿 这就是美国"
"Hey, now, this America"
有不少空闲时间 而我们需要刺♥激♥
Got some time to kill, and we need a thrill
因此我们干着最愚蠢的事死去
So we die doing the dumbest of shit
走起
Here we go, we got
人们聚集在废弃商场
People hanging out at abandoned malls
试图和死人说上话
Trying to get the dead people to talk to them
拿着一个组装的蓝牙设备
With a little rigged-up Bluetooth thing
背面一根羽毛弹出来
With a feather kicking out of the back
你懂的 他们有酸奶棒
And you know, they got Go-Gurts
因为这就是美国
'Cause this is America
有不少空闲时间 而我们需要刺♥激♥
We got some time to kill, and we need a thrill
因此我们干着最愚蠢的事死去
So we die doing the dumbest of shit
走起
Here we go, we got
一哥们骑着6英尺高的独轮车
A guy going 60 on a six-foot unicycle
以60迈的速度在碎石路上飞驰
Gunning down a road that is made of gravel
正迎头冲向一个悬挂的袋子
And he's barreling towards a hanging bag
里面装满了燃烧着的酸奶棒
That is full of flaming Go-Gurts
现在他死翘翘了
And now he's dead
听我说 嘿
I said, Hey, now
这就是美国
This is America
你想兴奋还是镇静
You want to go up or down?
你想兴奋还是镇静 孩子
You want to go up or down, kid?
来吧 走起 兴奋还是镇静
Come on. Let's go. Up or down?
兴奋还是镇静 孩子
Up or down, kid?
兴奋还是镇静 走起
Up or down?! Let's go!
谢谢大家
Well, I thank you all
来参与观光
for coming on this tour.
我是Urban Keith
I'm Urban Keith.
请大家向左看
If you look to your left,
那是个吸毒屋 我就是在那儿被捅了刀子
there's a crack house that I got stabbed in.
不过我没有动 因为我是Urban Keith
But I didn't move, 'cause I'm Urban Keith.
我是Urban Keith
I'm Urban Keith.
我是Urban Keith
I'm Urban Keith.
一 二 三 四
One, two, three, four
怎么 怎么 唔
What? What? Hmm
怎么 怎么 唔
What? What? What? Hmm
嘿 我在<黑客帝国>
Hey, oh I go "Matrix"
怎么 怎么 我在<盗火线>
What? What? I go "Heat"
嘿 我在<黑暗骑士>
Hey, oh, I go "Dark Knight"
怎么 怎么 我在<盗火线>
What? What? I go "Heat"
嘿 我在<洛奇>
Hey, oh I go "Rocky"
怎么 怎么 我在<盗火线>
What? What? I go "Heat"
嘿 我在<黑客帝国>
Hey, oh I go "Matrix"
怎么 怎么 我在睡觉
What? What? I go sleep
嘿 哦
Hey, oh
什么 什么 唔
What? What? What? Hmm
哦 唔
Oh Hmm
嘿 哦
Hey, oh
那么 我们再来解释一下婚礼是怎么一回事
So, let us explain our wedding again.
我穿一身黑 就像 嗯
I wore all black, like, uh --
就像你们的魔鬼一样 你知道么
like one of your devils, you know?
丛林中的恶灵 我看起来就像那样
The evil spirit of the jungle -- I looked like that.
我呢 穿一身白 就像公主一样
And I dressed all in white, like a princess.
嗯 你要用他们能懂的语言 Linda
Uh, you can put it in their terms, Linda.
好吧
Right. Okay.
我全身都是牛奶 或者奶油
I wore milk or -- or cream,
就像乳汁 或者精♥液♥
like breast food or -- or even, um, semen.
我全身都是精♥液♥ 白色的
I wore semen. White.
我的新娘裙是白色的
My dress was white.
经过了这个仪式 然后 上帝才允许我们
Then, and only then, did God allow us
允许我用男性之蛇撞击她的南瓜
to, uh -- for me to thump her pumpkin with my man snake.
他把拇指插入她的南瓜 不过女士没有露出笑容
He put de thumb in de pumpkin, but the lady don't smile.
他把拇指插入她的南瓜 不过女士说 "为啥"
He put de thumb in de pumpkin, but the lady say, "Why?"
好了 关于结婚还有什么问题么
Right, so, any questions on marriage?
有一次 我必须去参加一个音乐会看我朋友拙劣的演奏
So, this one time, I had to see my friend
在这个城市最糟糕的角落
play his stupid music in the worst part of town.
看吧 我有个不屈不饶的灵魂
And, look, I got an indomitable spirit, okay?
不过我的肉体 却是完全不堪一击
But my body? Completely domitable.
我从不幻想 知道么 我一向行事安全
I got no illusions, okay? I play it safe.
不过现在可不安全
And this was not safe.
好像周围的树都勃起了
Like, even the trees had hard-ons.
总之 这个酒吧是男人的地盘
Anyway, the bar -- It was dude land,
不 感觉就像没有正常人
and, no, there were, like, no regular men.
全是都痴痴呆呆的色鬼
It was all cretinous lechers
他们的指甲缝里全是别人的皮
with other people's skin under their fingernails.
我的意思是 男人都很恶心 是吧
I mean, guys are gross anyway, right?
甚至连圣人都让人恶心
Even the saints are gross.
比如 一旦发明了通灵术 那就像手♥机♥软件一样
Like, once telepathy is invented and it's like an app,
比如iTell或者别的类似的软件
like an iTell or whatever --
如果每个人都能读取别人的想法
Once everyone can read minds,
那么地球上所有的女人都会逃离地球
every woman on the planet will leave the planet.
我们都会觉得
We'll all be like, "Oh,
"我就知道你是这么想的
that's what I thought was going on in there.
买♥♥单 谢谢"
Check, please."
不管怎样 这个酒吧 我告诉你
Anyway, this bar -- Let me tell you.
情况是如此之糟糕
The situation was so bad,
我的强♥奸♥警哨自发地响了起来
my rape whistle started going off all on its own.
嗯 一个精虫上脑的男人向我走来
And, uh, this rather semenous guy
我心里想 "嗯 该来的还是来了"
walks up to me, and I think, "Ugh, here we go."
不过他却说
But he was like,
"你是常来这儿的那个女孩的朋友吗"
"You friends with that other girl who's here?"
我说 "唔 这儿怎么会还有别的女孩"
And I was like, "Um, why would there be another girl here?"
然后他说 "我说的这个女孩
And he was like, "I'm talking about
涂着黝黑黝黑的脚趾甲"
that girl with those dark, dark toenails."
我说 "从这仅有的一点点信息
I said, "Um, I can tell you,
我就可以告诉你
just from that little bit of info,
她不可能是我的朋友 绝不可能"
that, no, no, she is not a friend of mine."
然后 高♥潮♥来了
And then, here's the best part.
那天晚上乐队根本没有演出
The band wasn't even playing that night.
因此 我叫了个优步然后离开了
So, Uber and out.
注意安全 女孩们
Stay safe, girls.
花一会儿工夫打扮打扮
Take a minute to get yourself right
丝♥袜♥套上超短裙
Pull them cutoffs over them tights
戴上皮手套
Get the gloves that are made of leather
召集闺蜜于一处
Get your bitches all back together
花一会儿工夫打扮打扮
Take a minute to get yourself right
穿上斗牛士的夹克衫
Get the jacket made for bullfights
迎接雨中赴约的闺蜜们
Get your girlfriends in from the weather
沙发也要是真皮的
Get the couches made out of leather
花一会儿工夫调好灯光
Take a minute to set the mood lights
给闺蜜们讲讲你的新生活
Tell the girls about your new life
送给她们皮制的礼物
Give them gifts all made out of leather
告诉她们你为皮革而狂
Tell the girls you're way into leather
气候变化
Climate change.
无人机
Drones.
恐♥怖♥主♥义♥
Terrorism.
还有
And...
我和担心我的手 脚 眼睛 还有丁丁
I'm afraid that maybe my hands, feet, eyes, and penis
都在收缩
are shrinking.
孟山都
Monsanto.
恐♥怖♥主♥义♥
Terrorism.
你可以看看我的手
And maybe you could take a look at my hands
并和以前的照片对比一下
and compare them with photos of the past.
恐♥怖♥主♥义♥
Terrorism.
无人机
Drones.