布拉德·尼利神经秀（2016）

这个夏天
This summer...
<布鲁斯威利斯>中的布鲁斯威利斯
Bruce Willis in "Bruce Willis,"
由布鲁斯威利斯主演
starring Bruce Willis
还是布鲁斯威利斯
and Bruce Willis
依然是布鲁斯威利斯
and Bruce Willis
布鲁斯威利斯
and Bruce Willis
布鲁斯威利斯
and Bruce Willis
布鲁斯威利斯
and Bruce Willis
布鲁斯威利斯
and Bruce Willis...
布鲁斯威利斯
...Bruce Willis,
威利斯 布鲁斯威利斯
Willis, Bruce Willis...
这个夏天
This summer...
布鲁斯威利斯
Bruce Willis.
我想是时候谈论了
I think it's time we talked.
回到逍遥洞
Back to the sex cave
回到逍遥洞
Back to the sex cave
今天我有差事
Today I had errands
我需要买♥♥条新链子
I had to buy a new chain
新链子
New chain.
我需要把我的样本拿回来 你懂的
I had to get my samples back, you know
哦 耶 - 你懂的
Oh, yeah. - You know.
哦 耶
Oh, yeah
然后我用法贝热彩蛋支付
Then I paid with Faberge eggs
如果你们不接受
If you don't take 'em
去你♥妈♥的♥
...you.
如果你们不接受
If you don't take 'em
去你♥妈♥的♥
...you.
如果你们不接受
If you don't take 'em
回到逍遥洞
Then it's back to the sex cave
嘘
Shh.
回到逍遥洞
Back to the sex cave
嘿 Katie 我终于完成了我的剧本
Hey, Katie, I finally finished my script
耶
Yeah.
作为小理查德的传记片
For the Little Richard biopic
我可以死而瞑目了
Now I can die
稍等
Wait.
不过 首先得回到逍遥洞
But first it's back to the sex cave
继续向前行 向前行
And on and on and on and on
回到逍遥洞
Back to the sex cave
好了 伙计们 是时候把小米尔顿
Okay, guys, it's time to take Little Milton
带回医院了
back to the hospital.
不
No!
好吧
Okay.
随便
Whatever.
我是"烫发直到皮肤小精灵"
I'm Crimplestiltskin!
为什么不能让我给你烫发呢
Why would I not crimp your hair?
我卷 卷 卷
Frizz and frizz and frizz.
嘿 观众朋友们 问个小问题
Hey audience! Quick question.
你认为David Schwimmer的脚长什么样子 告诉我们吧
What do you think David Schwimmer's feet look like? Let us know.
大棕马播客倾情呈现
Big Brown Audio presents
<对未来工作的令人鼓舞的探索>
"An Inspirational Look at Jobs in the Future"
Bernard Blopblop著
by Bernard Blopblop.
由Jeffrey Tambor朗读
Narrated by Jeffrey Tambor.
我在跟谁讲话
Who am I talking to?
哦耶 对 是你们 是的 是你们
Oh, yeah, yeah, you guys. Okay, you guys.
当食物资源耗尽的时候
You guys -- You guys are going to enjoy eating yourselves
你们将会把自己当做食物
when the food runs out.
未来很操蛋
The future is f**ked
完蛋了 所有的都结束了
It's over. It's all ending.
让我们严肃点 好吧
Let's be serious, all right?
未来所有的工作 你们能听见我说么
All jobs -- Can you hear me?
所有的工作都将是和尸体有关的
All jobs in the future will be corpse-related.
我在构思一部电影 就是我来吃你们
I have an idea for a movie. It's me trying to eat you.
你来敲我的门 向我求助
You knock on my door asking for help.
然后我把你带到地下室 吃掉你的后背
Then I bring you down to my basement, and I eat your back.
你完蛋了
You are f**ked
你们都犯了一个错误
You guys have made a mistake.
你们把钱给了我们
You gave us your money
而不是拿去买♥♥一堆枪
instead of buying a bunch of guns
然后爬到某个山顶上
and moving to the top of a mountain.
爬得高高的 然后吃 呃 吃老鹰
Get up there and eat, uh, eagles.
然后 坐等个几十年
And -- And wait the next few decades out.
对的 对 对
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
你们将会靠吃彼此的后背活着
You're gonna be eating each other's backs.
最好从后背那一面吃 懂吗
And it's the backs you want to eat, see.
把尸体的脸转过去 这样你就不会内疚
Keep that face turned away from you so you don't feel guilty.
对不起 我的建议如下
Yeah, sorry. Here's my one piece of advice.
把每一部<疯狂的麦克斯>都看了 好吗
Watch all the "Mad Max" Movies, okay?
就这样 垃圾们
Yeah, all right f**kos.
谢谢
Thank you.
下地狱去吧 你们这些混♥蛋♥
And go to hell, you f**kos
嘿 观众朋友们 谢谢你们提供的素材
Hey audience! Thanks for your input.
下面是你们眼中David Schwimmer的脚的样子
Here's what you think David Schwimmer's feet look like.
谢谢观众朋友们
Thanks, audience.
我知道那是什么味道
I know that scent
让我看看你的喉咙
Let me see your throat
肿胀的扁桃体 恶臭的拦路石
Tonsils raised and malodorous brocade
哇 我要窒息了
Wow, I'm starting to choke
感觉就像七个小矮人在一个矿坑里
I feel like seven little dwarves in a mine
开始挑结石了 哦 请不要介意
It's time to pick, oh, please, don't you mind
当我和你的结石来一次浪漫的接触
As I romance your stones
当我和你的结石来一次浪漫的接触
As I romance your stones
你知道 我一直觉得Tyra Banks就像是
It's like I always see Tyra Banks, you know,
站在一个鲨鱼塔上
up in a shark tower, you know,
下面有一张她亲自做的
with, like, a net that she has made
用牙线或者什么东西做的网
out of, like, dental floss.
她在等着某个小孩
And she's waiting up there for that one kid --
从她下面经过
that one kid to pass underneath her.
你知道 这个小孩
You know, that one kid
可能偷了她的沙滩读物 也可能没有
who may or may not have stolen her beach read,
她读的是超级稀有版本的印度<爱经>
which is, like, a super-hard-to-find edition of "The Kama Sutra"
因为Tyra Banks本人
Because herself, Tyra Banks,
正是插画中的人物
has been drawn in all the illustrations
各种姿势应有尽有
of the positions.
非常罕见
It's really rare.
看你喜不喜欢这种感觉
So, how do you like it?
这个怪物太坏了 他肯定是支持自♥由♥党的同性恋
Wow, this monster is so bad he's got to be a gay liberal.
他的破坏力比从来没发生过的
He's causing more destruction
所谓的"纳粹大屠♥杀♥"还强
than the so-called Holocaust, which never happened.
首先 我们干掉这只怪物
First, we'll kill the monster,
然后 我们将怪物族的其它余孽全部清除
then we'll clean the rest of the monster races out of the city.
耶 我们出发吧
Yeah! Let's go!
哦天 肯定是懒惰的墨西哥人将他放出来的
Oh, man, the lazy Mexicans must have let him out.
他肯定越过了边境
I bet he jumped the border.
犹太人在用什么东西喂他啊
What have the Jews been feeding him?
他体型如此巨大
He's huge.
有点理智吧 Nort
Come to your senses, Nort.
犹太人只养活自己 才不管别人
The Jews don't feed anyone but themselves.
等等 我们可没有邀请你们来
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we did not call you guys.
我们从不需要邀请 警官
Never need to, sheriff.
不 不 我的意思是我们不需要你们的帮助
No, no, I mean we do not want your help.
看起来你们需要我啊
Looks like you need it to me.
怪物正在摧毁你的城市
That monster's tearing down your city.
干得好 Carl 告诉了那个自♥由♥党警官事情的真♥相♥
Good job, Carl, telling that liberal sheriff what's what.
Jenny 去捆住那个怪物
Jenny, go tie up the monster.
Jack 去把学校隔离了
Jack, go segregate the schools.
这次恐怕得齐心协力咯
I'm afraid this is gonna take all of us.
变形时间到
Morphing time!
进入梅尔吉布森模式
Mel Gibson mode!
现在我们都进入了梅尔吉布森模式
Now that we're in Mel Gibson mode,