布拉德·尼利神经秀（2016）

观众朋友们大家好 现在是"可爱角"时间
Hey, audience, it's time for "Cute Corner,"
这里你将想象出一些我所描述的可爱动物
where you imagine the cute animals that I describe.
准备好了吗 好的 请闭眼
Ready? Okay, guys, close your eyes.
想象出一只有着哈巴狗头的瓢虫在叶子上
Imagine a ladybug with a pug head on a leaf
他的舌头伸了出来并且在呜呜叫
with his tongue out and whimpering.
啊
Ahh!
接下来想象出一只脸皱巴巴的小猫咪
Next, imagine a scrunchy-faced kitty.
眨眼 眨眼 嗯
Crimp, crimp. Mmm!
接下来 想出一对小胳膊
Next, think of little arms,
肥肚子 圆溜溜的眼睛 舔舌头
fat tummy, googly-eyed, licky lick.
再想象一个有乳♥头♥的短丁日
And a nippy, trembling, skimpy knobber.
噼里啪啦 哦
Click, clack, oh.
喔 他真酷
Aw, him chilly.
噢 哆嗦 哆嗦
Oh, shiver, shiver.
接下来 准备想象
Next up, get ready to imagine
一只鹅
a goose...
有着巨大的人类丁日
...with a monster human cock.
嗯哼
Mm-hmm!
最后 在你的小脑瓜里想象
And finally, picture in your wittle heady-wed
一只漂亮的鹿宝宝正在舔一块方糖
a pretty little baby fawn licking up a sugar cube.
好吧
Okay.
以上就是"可爱角"的全部内容
This has been "Cute Corner"!
你能做到
You can do this.
唯一能够阻止你的人就是你自己
The only person who can stop you is you.
而你不会轻易放弃 绝不
And you're not gonna give up, no.
不要听信那些叫你停下来的消极声音
Don't listen to the negative voices telling you to quit.
你是冠军
You're a champion.
而冠军只会勇往直前
And champions just do it.
不 停下
No! Stop!
Brian 你在干嘛
Brian, why?!
那不是我的名字
That's not my name!
我的名字叫便便男 看见没
My name is Doo Doo Man! See?
我还是个冠军
And I'm a champion!
这是第三次了
That's three times!
而且是在一天之内
In one day.
说实话我不知道他是怎么做到的
I don't know how he does it, frankly.
怎么了 妹子 我知道你在那里
What's up, girl? I know you're there.
嘿 哟 - 怎么了 妹子
Hey, yo. -What's up, girl?
怎么了
What's up?
哟 哟 哟
Yo, yo, yo
犹滋犹味
jamba jews
我们直来直去
We're in your face
怎么了 妹子
What's up, girl?
犹滋犹味
jamba jews
嘿 哟 怎么了
Hey, yo, what is up?
嘿 哟 哟 哟
Hey, yo, yo, yo
怎 么 了 妹 子
Whaaat's uuuup, giiiirl?
发裸照 妹子 - 怎么 妹子
Send nudes, girl. -What's up, girl?
嘿 听我说完 妹子
Hey, just hear me out, girl.
嘿 妹子 怎么了
Hey, girl, what's up?
大傻♥逼♥报♥警♥器
Big Dumb Siren!
终于在商店上架了
It's finally available in stores.
大傻♥逼♥报♥警♥器专为你的贱脑袋设计
Big Dumb Siren for the top of your bitch-ass head.
完美适合 白♥痴♥ 屌♥丝
Perfect for idiots, fuckups,
智障 装逼犯
ne'er-do-wells, jackanapes,
大嘴巴皮条客
loose-lipped pimps,
加布林鲨鱼修女
goblin sisters,
捉咪藏
fuckaboos
捉咪藏的僧人
fuckaboo bonzais
骗人的把戏
fake-ass tricks
烦人的傻屌♥ 势利的贱妈
punk-ass chumps, snotty well moms,
还有恶人
and evildoers!
大傻♥逼♥报♥警♥器
Big Dumb Siren!
我不听
I ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
"物质王"
"The Lord of the Things."
从前 有一个非常普通的人
Once, there was a very general man
他有着跟我们所有人一样的普通生活
who had a normal life that we can all relate to.
然后他需要去做一件事
Then he had to do a thing.
当他做成了这件事 他就成了那个东西的主人
And when he did, he became its lord.
他似乎对一两样东西有着掌控权
He seemed to have authority over a thing or two,
但像我们大多数人一样
but like most of us,
他有时想同时拥有两样东西
he sometimes wanted two things equally.
却只能选择一样
He had to choose one thing.
随之而来的是各种后果
And there were consequences,
但它们并不是不可克服的
but they were not insurmountable.
最后 一些人帮助了他而另一些人没有
At last, some people helped him and some did not.
最终 有些事情他没有办法统治
Finally, there many things he could not get around to lording over.
他最终总是要和人们住在一个地方
He ended up always having lived in a place with people.
有时是黑夜
And sometimes it was night.
有时是白昼
And sometimes it was day.
然后他统治了又统治 统治了又统治
And he lorded and he lorded and he lorded...
统治了很多东西
over a good deal of things.
他就是"物质王"
He was "The Lord of the Things."
原则一
Rule number one.
如果你的妹子有只脚受伤了
If your girl got a hurt foot,
绝不能要她给你口♥交♥
don't you dare ask for a blow job.
挺住 我的朋友
Stay hard, my friends.
婊♥子♥和鸡♥巴♥
Bitches and dicks
你知道这里什么都没有
You know there ain't nothing
除了婊♥子♥和渣男
But bitches and dicks
你知道这里什么都没有 除了
You know there ain't nothing but
婊♥子♥和渣男
Bitches and dicks
你知道这里什么都没有 除了
You know there ain't nothing but
婊♥子♥和渣男
Bitches and dicks
你知道这里什么都没有 除了
You know there ain't nothing but
他妈的婊♥子♥和渣男
Fucking bitches and dicks
带着你的婊♥子♥和渣男来吧
Come on with your bitches and dicks
嗯 我来招待你们这些婊♥子♥和渣男
Mmm, I got your bitches and dicks
带着你的婊♥子♥和鸡♥巴♥一起来吧
Come on with your bitches and dicks
打扰了 你们一家子
Excuse me, family.
不知道你们从我身体里掏出
But when you was taking out my bag
鸡胗 蜥蜴 头胫骨 和其他玩意的时候
of gizzards and lizards and neck bones and stuff,
有没有恰巧看见一枚结婚戒指
did you happen to see a wedding ring in there?
因为我的未婚夫很生我的气
Because my fiance is very angry at me.
我不听
I ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
我不听
Ain't gonna hear that
现在让我们听听当地的沼泽女巫有什么要说的
And now we'll hear from our local swamp hag.
请您发言
You have the floor.
你们好 我的沼泽他妈要干透了
My God damn bog is drying up, y'all.
我从来不买♥♥润肤露和加湿器
I don't buy no lotions or moisturizers.
我用沼泽就能保持湿润 好吗
I moisten myself with the swamp, okay?
我吃蜥蜴 兄弟
I eat lizards, dude.
我还吃青蛙
I eat frogs.
你们猜怎么着 他们都快死了
And guess what, they're all dying.
所以 这样 我也快死了 傻♥逼♥们
So, ergo, I'm dying, mother-fuckers
我可是个沼泽女巫
I'm a swamp hag!
法庭内请保持肃静
Order in the court.
让她继续说
Let her talk.
我得保持我的
I gotta maintain my --
我的透明度
my translucence.
我得往死里补水
Gotta stay wet as fuck