布拉德·尼利神经秀（2016）

世界是个牡蛎 还是他们的
And the world was an oyster, and it was theirs.
表情错了
Wrong face!
他终于求婚了
He finally proposed!
我订婚了
I'm engaged.
我不是真想嫁给他
I don't really want to marry him!
表情错了
Wrong face!
我一直视Kanye像是
You know, I always see Kanye as, like, you know,
一个小树袋熊挂在树的顶端
like a little koala hanging out on the top of a tree.
但在这棵树上 有个秘密的小洞
But in that tree, there's, like, a secret little hole
你可以进去 这是个洞穴
where you can go in it, and it's a cave.
洞穴里面
And inside the cave,
有很多东西 像是 钻石镶嵌的婴儿玩具
There are all these, like, diamond-encrusted baby tools
可以用来造大象
for, like building elephants
这些大象知道如何让笼子响
that know how to, like, rattle the cages, you know?
这些笼子就是当
And those cages are those ones
他们穿着婚礼服时说的话
that they're always talking about when they're wearing all their wedding gowns.
但是Kanye说 不 不
But Kanye says, "No, no!
在这个该死的城镇里没人可以结婚
Nobody can get married anymore in this freakin' town
因为我是镇长
because I'm the mayor
我的鞋有了新的洞
and my shoes got them new holes in them
所有人能看到
where everybody can look."
嘿 仓鼠 我这有你最爱的芝麻种子
Hey, hamsters, I have your favorite-sesame seeds!
给我那种子
Got to give me that seed
说起来
Talking about whooooo
给我那种子
Got to give me that seed
说起来
Talking about whooooo
你要给我那种子
You got to give me that seed
你跟我说这锅每次用都会留下点料
So you're telling me this gets seasoned after every use?
没错
Exactly.
生铁更加可靠 一旦你用了这个
Cast iron is reliable.Once you try this thing,
你就不会再去用不粘锅了
you're never gonna go back to those Teflon models.
这还有点沉
Hmm. It's got some heft to it.
现在同一制♥造♥商
Well,now the same manufacturers
给我们所有人制♥造♥了一个特别的产品
have developed a special product for all of us
生铁圣诞袜
the cast-iron stocking stuffer.
我要说 这个来的正是时候
I got to tell you, this is coming at just the right time.
我想骑着它下楼梯
Oh, I like to ride it down the stairs.
把它放进去然后来段雪橇之旅
Put it in and go on a sleigh ride.
谢谢 圣诞老人
Thank you, Santa.
我会把我的放在夏天的烈日下
I'm gonna leave mine out in the summer sun
和我的晒过的冰茶放在一起
next to my sun-brewed iced tea.
立刻行动起来 我们还附赠一桶粘胶
Oh, and act now,and we'll throw in a tub of Gak!
我刚从网上看到 一些科学家
So I just read online that some scientists
从刘易斯·卡罗尔的尸体里提取了DNA
extracted DNA from Lewis Carroll's corpse,
他们不仅克隆出了一个新的刘易斯·卡罗尔
and they genetically engineered not just a new Lewis Carroll,
而是成百个刘易斯·卡罗尔
but hundreds of Lewis Carrolls,
因为当他们造出第一个时 他完全疯了
because when they did the first one, he was totally nuts
他们不确定这是否可能是爱丽丝漫游仙境的
and they were not sure if this was just an accurate recreation
操蛋的作者准确的消遣
of the probably fuck-up writer of "Alice in Wonderland,"
或许是他们弄错了
or if maybe they got it wrong.
第一个克隆人要求
I mean, the first clone demanded
睡在满是金粉的棺材里
to sleep in a coffin full of glitter
然后洗个金粉澡
and then to take a shower of glitter.
比如 有次他读到了关于Lady Gaga的东西
Like, he wanted to dress in the skin of Lady Gaga
他就想披着Lady Gaga的皮
once he read about Lady Gaga,
所以他们就得给他带一套这样的皮的仿品
so they had to bring him a facsimile of this skin
因为路易斯脾气又大又怪
because Lewis had a huge, strange temper.
不管怎样 他们又试了一次 更加疯狂了
Anyway, they tried it again -- even crazier.
但他们要弥补他们的损失
But they needed to recoup their losses,
所以他们做了一堆疯狂的卡罗尔
so they just made a load of cuckoo Carrolls
围绕着他建了一个侏罗纪公园
and made a Jurassic Park around him.
现在孩子们在这座与世隔绝的岛上
And now kids can roll around in hamster balls
可以坐进仓鼠球滚来滚去
and witness hundreds of this guy just doing Lewis out there
见证上百个刘易斯
on this secluded island
感受风吹过Gaga的头发
feeling the wind blowing through Gaga's hair.
谷歌♥一下
Google it.
我从来没有
I have never, ever
没有 没有 没有
Ever, ever, ever
从来 没有
Never, ever
没有 没有 没有
Ever, ever, ever
从来 没有
Never, ever
没有 没有 没有
Ever, ever, ever
从来 没有
Never, ever
没有 没有 没有
Ever, ever, ever
从来 没有
Never, ever
从来 没有
Never, ever, ever
从不洗手
Never washed my hands