蒂米·菲列：错已铸成

*我必须保持真我*
*I've gotta be me*
你们好 人类同胞
Greetings, fellow humans.
你们即将看见的是
What you are about to see
我作为一个侦探的历史记事
is a historical record of my life as a detective.
这些记事严格地合乎客观事实
It has been rigorously fact-checked.
且是高度机密
It is also highly confidential.
但我已同意记录下来
But I have agreed to document it
因为这些专业知识 对每个想当侦探的人
because my expertise is invaluable to anyone
都是无价之宝
who ever wanted to be a detective.
显然 人人都想当侦探
Which is probably everyone.
即便如此 不要在家中尝试你将看到的这些技能
That said, do not try any of what you are about to see at home.
专业侦探的惊险生涯 是危机重重
The high stakes world of a professional detective is dangerous,
应接不暇 难以预测的
fast moving, and unpredictable.
尤其是遇上卡车
Especially the part involving a truck,
窗户和北极熊这三种东西的时候
a window, and a polar bear.
*成功之地*
*A world of success*
*正等待着我的来临*
*It's waiting for me*
*若我听从召唤*
*If I heed the call*
*必将继续流浪*
*I won't settle down*
*继续流浪*
*Won't settle for less...*
错已铸成
Mistakes were made.
但我应该往前倒倒
But I should back up.
我是说这个故事 不是这辆卡车
The story, not the truck.
这是我生活的地方
This is where I live.
不是那里 是这里
Well, not there, but, here.
波特兰北部 在水塔的影子底下
North Portland, in the shadow of this water tower.
我叫废咧 蒂米·废咧
My name is Failure, Timmy Failure.
我的名字以前是这样写的
My name used to be spelled like this.
菲列
但是有人把它改了
But somebody changed it.
废咧
现在是这样的
And now, it's spelled like this.
这个名字带有误导性
The name is misleading,
因为我绝对不是...
because I am anything but...
我只关心一件事
I am only concerned with one thing...
伟大事业
greatness.
在我的侦探事务所里
I am the founder, president,
我兼任创办者 总裁和首席执行官
and CEO of my own detective agency.
蒂米专线
这是镇子里最优秀的侦探事务所
It's the best detective agency in town.
全球总部
世界地图
也可能是全世界最棒的
Perhaps, the world.
背包丢失
这是我最新的案子
This is my latest case.
可能是我传奇生涯里最大一起案件
Maybe the biggest of my storied career.
这是我的搭档 他叫统统
And that's my partner. His name is Total.
一只680公斤的北极熊
He's a 1500-pound polar bear.
他被归于濒危物种
He's classified as a vulnerable species,
因为他北极的家在融化
because his arctic home is melting.
五十年后 北极消融的范围将超过
So in 50 years, it retreated more than it had
此前200年的总和
in the previous 200.
因此 他为了食物开始流浪
So, he wandered for food.
先是跨越海洋
First by sea...
美国边境防卫站
再登上陆地
and then by land.
直到他抵达波特兰
Until he came to Portland.
树墩镇 铁路的终点站
Stumptown, the city at the end of the trail.
-你就这样一走了之吗 -我有自己的生活要过
- You're just leaving? - I need to live my life.
你为什么不能和我们一起住 你承诺过的
Well, why can't you live it here with us, like you promised?
对不起 行了吧
You know, I'm sorry, all right?
好一个对不起 你个只会道歉的废物
You're sorry, all right. A sorry loser!
在这个地方 事情总会变得奇怪
A place where things get strange.
然后他找到我们家...
And he found our house...
还有我的麦片
and my cereal.
我们买♥♥的高级麦片
We buy good cereal.
最开始 他还相当勤奋负责
Initially, he displayed a fair degree of diligence and responsibility.
废咧公♥司♥
营业执照
所以 我修改了事务所的营业执照
So, I amended the official license of my agency.
答应他做我的高级合伙人
And agreed to make him a full partner.
统统废咧有限公♥司♥
这是一步错棋
Which was a mistake.
勤奋和负责的表象只是他的诡计
The diligence and responsibility were a ruse.
北极熊就是如此狡猾
It's something polar bears do.
蒂米·废咧
错已铸成
伟大事业
我的交通工具 就是我成功的秘诀
My mode of transportation is the key to my success.
它叫废咧战车
It's called the Failure Mobile.
这是一台绝妙无比的工具
It is an imposing machine
让我在小镇里畅行无阻
that allows me unlimited access to the entire town.
还能博得别人移步街边的尊敬
And it commands the respect of others.
在波特兰的小街窄巷里 这种尊敬是很重要的
'Cause on the mean streets of Portland, respect is critical.
值得一提的是 这辆车是我妈妈的
It should also be noted that it belongs to my mother,
她在教堂抽奖里赢到的
who won it in a church raffle.
我中了 我中了 我终于不是中奖绝缘体了
I won! I won; I never win crap. Boom!
她说这是她的减压神器
She calls it her stress reliever.
所以 关于我的使用时间和方式
And so, she set forth some restrictions on
她立下了一些准则
when and how I can use it.
永 远 不 行
Never, ever, ever!
我感觉这准则有点模糊不清
I thought that was vague...
所以我骑着它上路了
so I use it.
我与本地执法部门的关系总是矛盾重重
My relationship with local law enforcement is problematic.
波特兰警♥察♥
他们仰慕我的才智
They admire my talent,
但对我拒绝与其同流合污的态度 表示愤恨
but resent the fact that I refuse to collaborate.
我可没心思想这些
But I don't have to,
我的生意非常兴隆
because business is booming.
波特兰这个地方 犯罪猖獗
Portland is a city that is rife with crime,
腐♥败♥肆虐
corruption...
俄♥罗♥斯♥人横行
and Russians.
扣分
That's a demerit.
你好 贡纳
Hello, Gunnar.
嘿蒂米 怎么了
Hey, Timmy. What do you want?
我了解到有人偷了你的背包
I understand someone stole your backpack.
是的 所以呢
Yeah, so?
你可能会好奇我是怎么知道的
You may be wondering how I know that.
我在学校到处都贴了海报
I posted signs all over school.
我希望你知道 我们是专业且严谨的
I want you to know that we are professional and discreet.
统统废咧有限公♥司♥
侦探事务所
名字虽糟 侦探有脑
我们能找到你的背包
We can find your backpack.
哪来的"我们"
Who's we?
时间不容浪费
We're wasting valuable time.
我一般把背包放这里
I normally keep my backpack right there.
其实吧 我只是想找回我的瑞士军刀
But, all I really care about is my Swiss Army knife.
在包的外层
It was in the front pocket.
-所以你是瑞士人吗 -不是
- So, you're Swiss? - No.
那你为什么要用刀打架
But you fight with knives?
我是为少年警卫队准备的
I got it for scouting.
我想拿到生存技能奖章
I'm trying to earn my survival skills badge.
你必须在森林里生存
You got to survive in the woods,
维持两天 只能用一把刀
for two days, with only a knife.
具体是怎么个生存法
Survive what exactly?
不管面对什么都要生存
Whatever comes.
好运 孩子
Good luck, Son.
可能观鸟奖章更适合你
Maybe go for the bird watching badge instead.
我要做作业了 蒂米
I have to do my homework now, Timmy.
这是监视敌人用的吗
Is this for enemy surveillance?
这是观察星星用的
It's for looking at stars.
隐藏的很好 这里的搜查结束
Good cover. I think we're done here.
-你啥也没做啊 -你错了
- You didn't do anything. - Incorrect.
我检查了犯罪现场
I surveyed the crime scene
得到了一个全面的结论
and reached a comprehensive conclusion.
背包 不见了
Backpack, gone.
我自己出去
I'll show myself out.
那是衣柜