惊声尖笑5（2013）

The Ring.
就是树林中有个小屋的
The one with the cabin in the woods.
《女巫布莱尔》
Blair Witch Project.
不，伙计，就是树林中有个小屋的
No, man, the one with the cabin in the woods.
- 《怪怪家庭》 - 这片子没有林子
- The Munsters. - That wasn't in the woods.
- 而且也不是电影（是电视剧） - 好吧，伙计
- They wasn't even a damn movie. - Look, man,
现在没空猜了
we ain't got time for this shit right now.
（其实那电影就是《林中小屋》啦）
我们得去那林中小屋
We need to get to that cabin in the woods.
我靠，什么声音？
What the hell is that sound?
就是踩地板的声音，房♥子挺新的
Sound like the house settling. It looked new.
- 我去看看 - 去吧
- I'm gonna take a look around. - Go ahead.
啊！神马东西？
Ah! What is that?
- 往哪儿打呢？ - 那儿
- Where we shooting? - There.
- 哪儿？ - 黑暗处！
- Where? - The dark!
- 那儿？ - 不，这里
- There? - No, this dark.
这边
Over there.
伙计，那是什么鬼玩意？
Dude, what the hell was that?
好大一只阿♥拉♥斯加帝王蟹啊，伙计
Big-ass Alaskan king crab just ran up on me, man.
帝王蟹？你有病吧，马库斯？
Crab? Cuz, we banging? Ja'Marcus,
- 把枪放下，伙计 - 你先放，哥们
- put the guns down, man. - Put yours down first, homey.
好吧，数到三，1,2,3
All right, on three. One, two, three.
- 妈的 - 想再来一次吗？
- Damn. - You want to try it again?
好 一，二，三
Sure. One, two, three.
一，二，三
One, two, three.
一，二，三
Uno, dos, tres.
伙计，这样的话一天都完不了
Man, we could do this shit all day.
- 别闹了好不？ - 好
- Truce? - Truce.
嘿，看，伙计，两个小女孩儿
Hey, yo, D'Andre. Look, homey. It's two little girls.
她们是有色人种，伙计
They're little racist girls, man.
脸是黑色的，你能接受不？
Wearing blackface. Cool with that?
嘿，小丫头，你叫什么？
Hey, little girl, what's your name?
- 她说什么？ - 她说“我想尝尝
- What'd she say? - She said, "I wonder what your leg"
- 你的腿” - 什么？啊，我靠！
- "tastes like." - What? Ah, man!
这个小蜘蛛精咬了我
Little spider girl bit me.
你有可能变成蜘蛛侠哦
Maybe you're going to get superpowers.
- 不会有黑人超级英雄的 - 我来搞定
- Ain't no black superheroes. - I'm on it.
嘿，我猜她们就是新闻里走丢的孩子
Yo. D'Andre, I think they're the missing kids from the news.
- 你怎么知道？ - 看
- How can you be so sure? - Look.
（失踪）
- 我不知道 - 如果真是的话
- I don't know, man. - Well, if it is the missing kids,
我要是得到赏金，我就买♥♥艘游艇
I'm gonna take that reward money, and I'm gonna buy me
里面填满钞票，女人和鲨鱼
a yacht, fill it with cash, bitches and a shark.
为什么要买♥♥鲨鱼？
Why would you want to buy a shark?
相信我…我们会用得上的
Trust me... we're gonna need a shark.
不，不对
No, this can't be right.
（“爱怀孕”应用）
（压在腹部然后开始）
（从这里取样）
嗨，妈妈
Hi, Mom.
待会儿打给你
I got to call you back.
不要啊，不要啊
No baby, no baby, no baby, no baby.
（分♥析♥尿液）
- 你怀孕了… - 不！
- You're pregnant... - No!
通过“爱怀孕”测试的预期结果
with anticipation over the outcome of this iPregnancy test,
结果肯定就是你…
which has determined that you are...
你♥他♥妈♥的开玩笑呢吧
You got to be kidding me.
哦，不
Oh, no.
没怀孕
Not pregnant.
这么射你都怀不上，你个幸运的小贱♥货♥
You dodged a bullet, you lucky slut.
感谢上帝，耶！
Thank you, God. Sweet!
重大消息：他们找到我的侄女们了
Great news: They found my brother's kids.
哦，卧♥槽♥
Oh, crap.
很幸运，大一点的凯西已经恢复了
We're very fortunate the older one, Kathy, has retained
她大量的词汇
most of her vocabulary.
小的还没说话呢
The baby hasn't actually said a word.
- 为什么？ - 因为他太小了不会说话
- Why not? - Because he's a baby.
他们在这儿已经3个月了
They've been alone here over three long months.
先告诉你们
I need to warn both of you
你们要做好心理准备
that this is not going to be easy.
好的
I'm ready for it.
- 哇塞 - 不，不 窗口错了
- Hello. - No, no. Wrong window.
孩子们是在这个窗口
Here's where the children are.
她在干吗？
What is she doing?
为了能够在极端条件下存活
In order to survive their extreme isolation,
她们想象出一个守护者
the girls created an imaginary guardian,
类似于父母的人去喂她们
a parent figure to feed them,
给她们唱歌♥，叫“妈妈”
sing to them. They call her Mama.
这个也许能帮你
But these may help you break through.
还有利他林也会有帮助（一种兴奋药）
And the Ritalin may help, as well.
像她们这么大的孩子应该服用的剂量是…
The proper dosage for someone their age is...
祝我好运吧
Wish me luck.
嗨，丽丽
Hey, Lily.
哦，多可爱
Oh, how cute.
凯西
Kathy.
别怕，凯西，记得吗？
It's OK, Kathy. Remember these?
你戴上它可以看得更清楚
You used to wear them to help you see better.
不，不，不！
No, no, no!
也许应该给她隐形眼镜…
Maybe we should get her some contacts...
软的那种
the soft kind.
爸爸？
Daddy?
不，宝贝，我不是你♥爸♥爸
No, sweetheart. Not Daddy.
我是你蛋蜀黍，记得吗？
I'm your Uncle Dan. Remember?
她是朱迪
And this is Jody.
猪…弟
Jo... dy.
- 朱迪 - 别在“朱”和“迪”之间拉那么长
- Jody. - No pause between "Jo" and "dy."
猪…弟
Jo... dy.
蛋，没法弄啊
Dan, we're at an impasse.
这以后日子没法过啊
I see constant conflict.
没事，会适应的
It's fine. They'll warm up to you.
嘿，嘿，嘿，小姐，这可不…
Hey, hey, hey, little lady, that's not how...
你个小混…！
You little mother...!
都整明白了
Well, everything checks out.
她们应该是好孩子，医生
They seem like good kids, Doc.
给个停车券，我们就带她们回家了
Just validate our parking. We'll take them home.
伙计们，我到希望有那么简单
Folks, I wish it were that easy.
你不给我们停车券吗？
You don't validate?
我是说孩子你不能带走
I'm saying the kids are not yours to take.
好吧，能拿点是点 赶紧拿券走人吧
Well, you can't win them all. Let's skedaddle.
这不公平
That's not fair.
她们是我哥查理的孩子
They're my brother Charlie's kids.
我应带走她们
We deserve them.
是吗？你媳妇成天玩摇滚
Do you? Your wife plays in a punk rock band,
夜不归宿
staying out all night long,
嗑药，睡遍天下男人
high on drugs, sleeping with a different man every night.
我不认为法庭会喜欢这些的
I don't think the courts are gonna look upon that too favorably.
- 但是… - 我只是和你开玩笑
- But... - I was just messing with you.
- 孩子是你的了 - 是吗？
- The kids are yours. - They are?
你听见了吗，宝贝？她们是我们的了！
Did you hear that, honey? They're ours!
有个条件
On one condition.
这是案例研究中心的房♥子
This house is owned by the Institute for Case Studies.
里面装满了摄像机
Every room is fully wired with cameras.
如果你们同意搬进去，你们就可以带走孩子
If you move into the house, you get the kids.
我们可以把房♥子卖♥♥了
Can't we just sell the house
然后把她们送进高档孤儿院吗？
and put the kids in a high-end orphanage?
朱迪，你认为你可以胜任妈妈这个角色吗？
Jody, do you really think you're cut out to be a mom?
- 当然没问题 - 蛋！
- Of course she is. - Dan!
从今往后不许玩摇滚，不许戴傻帽假发
Now, no more rock band, no more silly wig.
一点都不傻帽，它已经成为我的一部分了
It's not silly. It's all a part of me.
- 不许有纹身 - 你在干吗？
- And no more tattoos. - What are you doing?
早就该收拾你了
What I had to.
我们是模范小资夫妻
We're a perfect suburban couple.
蛋和朱迪带着他们的新孩子去了新房♥子
And so Dan and Jody headed to their new house with their new children.
但是，就像是淫♥荡♥的姐妹会成员