惊声尖笑5（2013）

伦家不和你拍了
I just don't want to make one of these tapes
如果你和每个女孩儿都拍的话
if it's something you do with every girl.
每个女孩？不，不
Every girl? No, no.
哥是个专情的种
I am strictly a one-woman guy.
（林赛·罗韩：好莱坞问题女星）
伦家可不想弄得满互联网上都是
Well, I don't want to end up all over the Internet.
伦家最低调了
I pride myself on keeping a low profile.
伦家很注重保护隐私的
My private life is private.
等等 我以为你之前没拍过
Wait. I thought you never did this before.
这是什么？
What are all these?
是哥之前租的一些片儿
just some movies I rented.
“布兰迪和我，修道士式”？
"Me and Brandy, Missionary"?
两个女孩变成修女的故事
A tale of two girls who become nuns.
“布兰迪和我，小狗式”？
"Me and Brandy, Doggy"?
是续集
The sequel.
修女们收养了一只巧克力色的拉布拉多
The nuns adopt a chocolate lab.
这些又是神马？
What are all those?
这只是标准的
Oh, that's just your standard
住♥宅♥安保系统
home security setup.
很普通的
Basic run-of-the mill.
没什么的啦 司空见惯啦
No big deal, nothing too elaborate.
谁家都有
Everybody has them.
为什么它们对准了你的床？
And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed?
以防小偷偷走我的性♥爱♥录像带
In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes.
来吧，上♥床♥吧宝贝
Now, let's get into bed.
咱们速战速决
Let's just make this quick.
明早我还有个法庭听证会
I have a court hearing in the morning.
亨德森法官？
Judge Henderson?
不 我到希望是他 是汤普森
No. I wish. Thompson.
你这回可惨了
That's going to suck for you.
只是个小小的车祸啦
It was a driving mishap thingy.
求你了 以后别开车了
Do me a favor. Promise me you won't drive.
你真好 还担心我开车
That's sweet. You're worried about me driving.
我是担心自己 我平时走路的
I'm worried about me. I'm a pedestrian.
对不起 这是我的“醉酒监视器”
Sorry. That's my sobriety monitor.
对不起，对不起
Sorry. Sorry.
脚上戴了一个追踪器
Ankle. Tracking bracelet.
哦，等等，对不起…
Oh, wait. Wait. Sorry, just...
- 谁给你戴的啊？ - 我自己
- Who put that on you? - I did.
只有这样我才能高♥潮♥
It's the only way I can have an orgasm.
今晚用不上了
Not tonight.
你在干吗？
What are you doing?
呃…热热身
Just... warming up.
这就我们俩吗？
You sure we're alone here?
感觉好像还有人呢
Feels like there's somebody else in this house.
你听见了吗？
Did you hear that?
啥都没有
That's nothing.
听，那是什么声音？
OK, what is that?
只是…缠水管子的声
Just... unraveling the old hose.
明天再干吧，劳尔
Save it for tomorrow, Raul.
好的，先生
Si, senor.
（计时开始，晚上11点19分26秒）
（计时结束，凌晨2点46分31秒 ）
太爽了
That was amazing.
查理
Charlie.
出去，埃米利奥
Get out of here, Emilio.
查理，伦家怕怕
Charlie, I'm scared.
林赛，小心肝，没啥好怕的
Lindsay, sweetie, there's nothing to be afraid of.
嘿，我拿到货了
Hey, I got the stuff.
待会儿打给你，伙计
I got to call you back, man.
（林赛吃官司了）
我想我还是走吧
I think I better go.
真假？明天呢？有空吗？
Really? How about tomorrow? You busy?
我要把你吹得爽翻天
I'm going to blow you across the room.
太好了
Sounds awesome.
惊声尖笑5
查理的尸体在5月15日被警♥察♥发现
Charlie's body was discovered by police on May 15th.
他的尸体直到5月23日还在疯玩
His corpse didn't stop partying until May 23rd.
警♥察♥试着去寻找查理的三个失踪孩子
Police searched for Charlie's three missing children
并顺便习惯性的逮捕了林赛·罗韩
and out of habit arrested Lindsay Lohan.
我们的故事就此开始
And thus our story begins.
营救查理孩子的一大笔悬赏
The large reward offered for the rescue of Charlie's kids
吸引了警♥察♥，私♥人♥侦♥探♥
drew the attention of police, private detectives
还有红十字会志愿者（郭美美 :）
and Red Cross volunteers.
大家都高度留意这些孩子
Everyone was on high alert for these children,
除了这两个家伙
except these two guys.
不，奥巴马医改能让老年人用上更便宜的药
No, man, Obamacare gives senior citizens access to cheaper drugs,
（此人为美国白人说唱歌♥手麦克·米勒）
免费的预防保健
free preventative care,
还填补了联邦医保处方药计划的漏洞
and it closes the Medicare Part D loophole.
（此人为美国著名歌♥手史努比狗狗）
那如果我马眼里进洗发水了能帮我吗？
And how does that help if I get shampoo in my dick hole?
神马？
What?
别告诉我你马眼里没进过洗发水？
Mean to tell me you ain't never got shampoo in your pee hole?
- 有那么一两次 - 哼，一两次
- Maybe like once or twice. - Yeah, once or twice
你当时自♥慰♥呢吧
when you was playing with yourself.
不，我没有
No, I wasn't playing with myself.
我就是在洗澡，结果就进去了
I was showering, and crazy got up in there.
屁，卡姆·牛顿（橄榄球四分卫）的重力定律是：
Bullshit. Cam Newton's law of gravity is:
老二的自然竖绝对直才能让香皂流下来
That thing must be up in order for that soap to go down.
好吧，爱咋咋的，反正疼死了
Well, either way, that shit stings like hell.
真♥他♥妈♥疼
Sting like a mother, man,
好像被大黄蜂蜇过一样
it feel like it's a hornet up in there.
他发现他的女人
And he found out his girl be,
和别的男人在搞
you know, doing her thing with another man.
- 没错 - 我就不明白了
- Exactly. - I don't understand why
为什么洗发水公♥司♥不能改进一下
the shampoo company can't fix that, man.
他们有“无泪配方”
They got "No More Tears."
为什么就不能整个不辣鸡♥巴♥的呢？
Why they can't make no more hornets in your dick?
也许你不该
I don't really think they expect you
把“无泪配方”用在你鸡♥巴♥上
to use the No More Tears on your dick.
呃，为什么他们要叫“强生和强生”呢？
Well, why they call it Johnson & Johnson?
还有个关键问题，伙计
I got a better question, man.
咱两个大烟鬼
What the hell are two stoners doing
在这片该死的林子里走啥啊？
wandering around these spooky-ass woods?
待会儿你就懂了
Look, it's going to be worth it.
我说过… 这里是红堡镇
I told you... this is Humboldt County.
种毒品的全在这里种他们的宝贝
This is where all the growers grow their bomb-ass shit.
你觉得我们自己拿他们不会介意？
You think they're gonna be cool with us just helping ourselves?
听着伙计，我们不拿他们的宝贝
Look, man, we ain't taking no plants.
我们只是摘几朵花，懂吗？
We're gonna snip a few buds. You know what I'm saying?
它们自己还能再长出来
It's gonna grow back just like a lobster paw.
自然法则嘛
You know, that's how nature do.
我不知道，感觉不太好
I don't know, man. Just doesn't feel right.
伙计，他们不会在意的
Man, they ain't gonna care.
听着，我们没问题的
Look, man, we're gonna be cool.
就采一根的量
We're gonna roll one blunt,
然后我们就闪人
then we're gonna get up out of here.
- 就一根？ - 就一根
- Just one? - Just one.
- 你还说他们不在意？（好大的一根啊） - 伙计，快跑
- They won't care, huh? - Man, just keep running.
卧♥槽♥ 是无人机吗？
Holy shit. Is that a drone?
“刺杀本拉♥登♥”也没这么狠啊
They're going all Zero Dark Thirty on our ass.
嘿，他们走了
Yo, I think they gone.
是“林中小屋”
It's a cabin in the woods.
我们躲在里面吧
We need to go hide over in there.
不，伙计，我才不去
Nah, man, I'm not going in there.
它使我想起了我曾经看过的一个恐怖片
It reminds me of a horror movie I once saw.
什么恐怖片？
What horror movie?
就是树林中有个小屋的
The one with the cabin in the woods.
- 《黑色星期五》？ - 不是
- Friday the 13th? - No.
就是树林中有个小屋的
The one with the cabin in the woods.
《德州电锯杀人狂》？
Texas Chain Saw Massacre?
不，就是树林中有个小屋的
No, the one with the cabin in the woods.
《午夜凶铃》