Miguel Wants to Fight（2023）

主人公。
The hero.
米格尔,你欠我 5 美元。
Miguel, you owe me $5.
你克隆了自己？
You've cloned yourself?
卡斯？！
Cass?!
卡斯,抓住他的马尾辫！
Cass, grab him by the ponytail!
嘿,哟,米格尔！
Hey, yo, Miguel!
嘿嘿！- 嘿！
Hey-ey-ey! - Hey!
兄弟,我正在制♥作♥火影忍♥者视频。它来了！
Bro, I'm working on the Naruto video. It's comin' out fire!
哦,我的上帝！
Oh, my God!
卡斯！
Cass!
卡斯！
Cass!
地狱是的,我的兄弟。- 斯里尼！
Hell yeah, my brother. - Srini!
唷。- 让我得到其中的一些。
Yo. - Let me get some of those.
回来,你不能-- - 过了,过了。
Come back, you can't-- - Over top, over top.
你是认真的吗？
Are you serious?
不,那是什么？
No, what's that?
这是关于这个家伙的动漫
It's this anime about this guy
谁能一拳打败任何对手。
who's able to defeat any opponent with just one punch.
该死。这是一种兴♥奋♥剂♥技能。就一拳。毫米！
Oh, shit. That's a dope skill to have. Just one punch. Mm!
或者一个非常糟糕的。-怎么样？
Or a really bad one. - How's that?
因为他不能手♥淫♥。
'Cause he can't masturbate.
什么？-我只是说
What? - I'm just saying,
如果他的手那么强,他可能会超级喜欢它
if his hand is that strong, he might get super into it
不小心一拳打掉了自己的鸡♥巴♥。
and accidentally one-punch his own dick off.
这个命题太危险了。我永远不会做那笔交易。
It's too dangerous of a proposition. I would never make that trade.
如果完全相反怎么办？如果他真的很擅长呢？
What if it's the complete opposite? What if he's, like, really good at it?
你知道,只要一次拉扯和...嗖！
You know, just one pull and... whoosh!
嘿！哟,兄弟,不要把你想像中的抖动对准我！
Hey! Yo, don't aim your imaginary jizz at me, bro!
不。。。你是对的。- 打架很像自♥慰♥。
No... you're right. - Fighting's a lot like masturbating.
如果打架很像自♥慰♥,
If fighting is a lot like masturbating,
那么你就做错了其中之一。
then you're doing one of 'em really wrong.
“一招人。”
"One Stroke Man."
啊！是的。- 是的,好吧。
Ah! Yes. - Yeah, all right.
等等,但要坚持住。
Wait, but hold on, though.
所以,如果你是一个超级英雄,你的超能力产生了影响
So, if you're a superhero and a resulting effect of your superpowers
就是你只需要一笔...你知道的？
is that it only takes you one stroke to... you know?
现在,这会让你的生活更快乐还是让你的生活更悲伤？
Now, does that make your life happier or does that make your life sadder?
快乐。-悲伤。加油。像吃饭一样想一想。
Happier. - Sadder. Come on. Think on it like eating.
你想品尝你的食物还是想吃饱？
Do you want to be tasting your food or do you want to be full?
吃就是细细品味,就像体验那一刻一样。
Eating's about savoring, like experiencing that moment.
你听起来像是混♥蛋♥的料理鼠王。
You sound like the Ratatouille of jerkin' off.
不,我和大卫在一起。-你很好。
No, I'm with David. - You good.
不是我,我进进出出。你甚至不知道我在那里。
Not me, I'm in and out. You never even knew I was there.
我是一个被打败的窃贼。
I'm a beat-off burglar.
被打败的窃贼。
Beat-off burglar.
我得给你们看点东西。
I gotta show you guys something.
看看这个。
Check this out.
哦,天哪！
Oh, my God!
这看起来很疯狂！
This looks crazy! [David laughing]
这是你最好的一个,伙计！哟！
That's your best one yet, man! Yo!
砰！哦,斯里尼的镜头真好！
Bang! Oh, what a shot from Srini!
是的,斯里尼！100%来自现场！
Yeah, Srini! 100% from the field!
斯蒂芬库里在这些婊♥子♥身上！
Steph Curry on these bitches!
不,那不是斯蒂芬库里。
Nah, that ain't Steph Curry.
那是印度咖喱,美味的屁♥股♥男孩！
That's Indian Curry, flavorful-ass boy!
你输了。滚下球场,你这个下垂的婊♥子♥。
You lost. Get off the court, you saggy-faced bitch.
他确实有一张下垂的脸。我以前从未注意到这一点。
He does have a saggy face. I never noticed that before.
是的,看起来它会从他的头骨上掉下来。
Yeah, looks like it's gonna fall right off his skull.
伙计,你的脸底有多重？
Man, how much does the bottom of your face weigh?
那是狗屎,什么,八磅？
That's shit's gotta be like, what, eight pounds?
[扫罗咕噜咕噜]嘿,嘿,嘿,嘿！
[Saul grunts] Hey, hey, hey, hey!
下垂的婊♥子♥！嘿,哟,什么鬼？！
Saggy-face bitch! Hey, yo, what the fuck?!
嘿！
Hey!
战斗！
Fight!
嘿。对不起,他对你说了那些话,伙计。
Hey. Sorry he said that stuff to you, man.
那家伙简直太烂了。
That guy just super sucks.
谢谢。
Thanks.
大多数人只是在开阿♥拉♥丁的玩笑
Most people are just making an Aladdin joke
或者便利店的笑话。
or a convenience store joke.
我很欣赏他的种族主义。
I appreciate he was artisanal with his racism.
哦！你应该叫他「卡布朗詹姆斯！
Ooh! You should have called him "CaBron James!"
是。。。印度咖喱的事情的原因？
Be...cause of the Indian Curry thing?
你知道,西班牙文中的卡布隆-- -不,毫米。
You know, cabrón in Spanish-- - No, mm-mm.
太可怕了。
It's terrible.
「卢卡狗迪克」呢？没有。
What about "Luka Dog-Dick"? Nope.
“詹姆斯·哈登”呢？-不。
What about "James Hard-on"? - No.
'因为,你知道-- -不,我明白了。只是没那么聪明。
'Cause, you know-- - No, I get it. It's just not that clever.
嘿,嘿,阿曼多在外面。我们可以过马路吗？酷,谢谢。
Hey, hey, Armando's outside. Can we cross the street? Cool, thanks.
他几周前刚出来。
He just got out a couple of weeks ago.
那是我第一次见到他。
That's the first time I've seen him.
他甚至根本没有来过健身房♥。
He hasn't even come by the gym at all.
他在多久了？
How long was he in?
九个月。
Nine months.
好吧,想像一下你即将成为一名富有的职业拳击手
Well, imagine you go from you're about to be a rich professional boxer
对刚出狱的你来说,
to you just got out of jail,
站在奶奶的前院盯著肉。
standing in your grandma's front yard staring at meat.
天哪。
Holy shit.
哦。他的炊具在哪里？
Uh-oh. Where are his cooking utensils?
下次我们走过时,我会像哥们一样大喊他的名字,
The next time we walk past, I'm gonna yell his name like we're buddies,
所以那时我们实际上会成为哥们。
so then we'll actually be buddies.
你为什么想成为他的朋友？
Why would you want to be his friend?
他不是坏蛋,他是婊♥子♥。-哦。
He's not a badass, he's a bitch. - Ooh.
你还在因为他对你♥爸♥爸说的话而生气吗？
Are you still mad because of what he said about your dad?
“当然,他仍然很生气,因为他对他父亲的评价。
'Course he's still mad because of what he said about his dad.
♪ 播放不祥的音乐 ♪
♪ ominous music playing ♪
啊,该死的。-怎么了？
Ah, dammit. - What's up?
我他妈的毛衣在那场战斗中被撕裂了。
My fuckin' sweater got torn in that fight.
是的,伙计,他们也撕了我的狗屎。
Yeah, man, they tore my shit, too.
你如何在战斗中撕裂你的口袋？
How do you get your pocket torn in a fight?
不要用手指指我的口袋。
Don't finger my pocket.
米格尔,你好吗？
Miguel, you good?
哼？是的。我很好。
Huh? Yeah. I'm good.
我是完整的。
I'm whole.
我们都做了,喜欢,等量的,喜欢,拳头什么的。
We all did, like, an equal amount of, like, punches and whatnot.
什么？
What?
等等,你没打架吗？
Wait, did you not get in the fight?
哼？-哼？
Huh? - Huh?
你没打架？你没跳进去？
You didn't get in the fight? You didn't jump in?
不,我是 - 我在那里。我只是--
No, I was-- I was in there. I was just--
我更像是在外面。我是,我在维持周边。
I was more like on the outside. I was, I was maintaining the perimeter.
你怎么不跳进去？- 人们跳进去,你跳进去。
How did you not jump in? - People jump in, you jump in.
这是规则。
That's the rule.
我本来打算去的,但它结束得太快了。
I was gonna, but it was just over so fast.
无论如何,另一组有什么？三个人？我们有四个。
And anyways, the other group had what? Three people? We had four.
所以它只是...这不公平。
So it just... it wouldn't be fair.
这个混♥蛋♥在做数学。 - 你必须跳进去,伙计。
This motherfucker was doing math. - You gotta jump in, man.
不,你没有。- 看,随便什么。好？
No, you don't. - Look, it's whatever. Okay?
你们很好。你总是。
You guys are fine. You always are.
如果你真的需要我,我会跳进去的,但是——
I would have jumped in if you really needed me to, but--
等等,等一下...你以前从来没有跳进去过吗？
Wait, hold on a second... have you never jumped in before?
喜欢零次？
Like zero times?
不切题的。
Irrelevant.
现在这个混♥蛋♥数不清了。
Now this motherfucker can't count.
你不可能从未跳进去。
There's no way you've never jumped in.
把我他妈的手♥机♥给我,克劳迪娅。- 你的什么？
Give me my fuckin' phone, Claudia. - Your what?
我的什么？
My what?
我和克劳迪娅·多明格斯（Claudia Dominguez）一起进入的那段时间呢？
What about the time I got into it with Claudia Dominguez
因为她偷了我的手♥机♥？
because she stole my phone?
哦,伙计,我记得。这太疯狂了。
Oh, man, I remember that. It was crazy.
我还是不敢相信你张开手打了她一巴掌。
I still can't believe you open-hand slapped her.