我想结束这一切（2020）

也许吧 我也不知道
Maybe, I don't know.
你有在写什么作品吗
You been working on anything?
我...
Uh, I-I...
我刚写完一首
I just finished something.
我也说不好
Yeah. I don't... I don't know.
-我能听听吗 -回头你自己看吧
- Can I hear it? - You can read it.
我想听你念出来
I like to hear them in your voice,
你特别擅长朗诵
and you're so good at reciting them.
并没有 但还是谢了
Not really, but thanks.
能跟这诗意的景色呼应
It'll go with the poetic scenery.
我说不好 杰克 我不...
I don't know, Jake, I just don't...
我现在不太想表演
I don't really feel much like performing right now.
来嘛 能杀杀时间
Come on, it'll pass the time.
我不想让你无聊
I don't want you to get bored.
题目叫《骨头狗》
It's called "Bonedog."
"回家是件可怕的事
"Coming home is terrible...
不管你的狗是否会来舔你的脸
whether the dogs lick your face or not,
无论你是有个...
whether you have...
妻子
A wife,
还是个妻子模样的孤独影子在等你
or just a wife-shaped loneliness waiting for you.
回家是非常孤独的
Coming home is terribly lonely...
你会无比怀念
so that you think of the oppressive barometric pressure
自己回家之前刚刚离开的高压
back where you have just come from with fondness,
因为一旦回到家 一切只会更糟
because everything's worse once you're home.
你会怀念在草丛中穷追不舍的虱蚤
You think of the vermin clinging to the grass stalks...
怀念路上的漫长时光
long hours on the road,
怀念道路救援和冰激淋
roadside assistance and ice creams,
还有奇形怪状的云朵
and the peculiar shapes of certain clouds
以及沉默 无比怀念
and silences with longing,
因为你不想回家
because you did not want to return.
回家的感觉...
Coming home is...
反正很糟
just awful.
家里特有的那种沉默和阴云
And the home-style silences and clouds
空虚无用却总令人不适
contribute to nothing but the general malaise.
云朵这种东西 其实挺靠不住的
Clouds, such as they are, are in fact suspect
它不同于你抛下的其他东西
and made from a different material than those you left behind.
你自身就是从一块云布中剪裁而成
You yourself were cut from a different cloudy cloth,
被退回
returned,
被剩下
remaindered,
被月光冷冷洒过
ill-met by moonlight,
因为回家而郁闷
unhappy to be back,
在所有不该松散的地方松散
slack in all the wrong spots.
体面的西装发出阵阵恶臭
Seamy suit of clothes,
又脏又破
dishrag-ratty, worn.
你回了家
You return home,
就像登上了月球
moon-landed,
到了外太空
foreign.
地心引力拉扯
The Earth's gravitational pull,
现在有了双倍效果
an effort now redoubled...
将你的鞋带拉松
Dragging your shoelaces loose...
还有你的肩膀
And your shoulders,
把忧虑的章节在你额头刻得更深
etching deeper the stanza of worry on your forehead.
你心情沉重地回到家
You return home deepened,
连结着明日的枯井
a parched well linked to tomorrow
通过一丝脆弱的...
by a frail strand of...
算了
anyway.
你哀叹一成不变的日子为何如此猛攻
You sigh into the onslaught of identical days,
一次一样不行吗
one might as well, at a time.
好吧
Well...
总之
anyway,
你回家了
you're back.
日出日落 就像疲惫的妓♥女♥
The sun goes up and down like a tired whore,
四季静止 就像残缺的肢体
the weather immobile like a broken limb
而你却继续变老
while you just keep getting older.
除了你体内的盐分潮涨潮落 一切都是静止的
Nothing moves, but the shifting tides of salt in your body.
你的视觉渐渐模糊
Your vision blears,
天气随你一起变化
you carry your weather with you;
巨大的蓝鲸
the big, blue whale;
黑暗的轮廓
a skeletal darkness.
你回家了
You come back
带着透射视线
with X-ray vision...
你的双眼充满了渴望
your eyes have become a hunger.
你带着变种天赋回家了
You come home with your mutant gifts
回了一座骨头之家
to a house of bone.
现在你看到的一切
Everything you see now,
目之所及
all of it...
皆是骸骨"
bone."
哇
Wow.
"哇"可是个万能的感叹词
Well, wow is an all-purpose exclamation.
我刚发现的
I just realized that.
它可能说明...
It might be... It can...
可能说明你很喜欢
It can mean you... you loved it,
也可能是因为没别的词能描述
or it can mean there are no words to describe how...
它有多垃圾了
how rubbish it is.
我很喜欢
I love it.
真的 很棒
I love it. It's amazing.
就好像...
It's... it's like...
就好像你写的就是我
It's like you wrote it about me.
你懂的 就是...
Oh, you know, I-I-I...
可能人在写诗的时候都希望如此吧
I guess that's what one hopes for when writing a poem.
希望什么
What's that?
某种普适性吧 我也说不好
Some universality in the specific, I don't know.
我真觉得你写的就是我
It's like you wrote it about me.
我想结束这一切
I'm thinking of ending things.
杰克真的很好
Jake is really great.
他非常贴心
He's really sweet.
他体贴 肯倾听 而且很聪明
He's sensitive, and he listens to me, and he's smart.
但有些事就是...
But there's just something...
无法言说
Ineffable.
深深地 无法表述也无法修复地 不对劲
Profoundly, unutterably, un-fixably wrong here.
-你还好吗 -挺好啊
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
就觉得你挺心不在焉的
You just seem sort of far away is all.
我...我只是在想
I'm... just thinking.
想什么
About what?
不知道 就...
I don't know, just...
脑子里在乱想
Vague in my head stuff.
脑子里在乱想
Vague in your head stuff.
我可能是在思考时间吧
I guess I was thinking about time.
-是吗 -嗯
- Really? - Yeah.
就好像我们在火车上 走到哪算哪
Like we're on a train and it takes us where it takes us.
不能转向 没有岔路
There's no veering off, there's no side trips,
就像墨索里尼的火车 到点就走
and like Mussolini's train, it runs on time.
但墨索里尼和火车的事其实不是真的
But that's not really true about Mussolini and trains.
早在他之前 铁路系统就改良了
The improvements in the railway system preceded him.
他只是把功劳揽到了自己头上
He just took the credit.
即便如此 那些火车也不都是准点运行的
And even still, they didn't always run on time.
我不是真的在说墨索里尼的火车
I wasn't really talking about Mussolini's train...
而且 你也随时可以跳车
And anyway, you... you can always jump off a train.
那是电影
In movies.
现实中从行进中的火车上跳下去可能就死了
In real life, you'll probably die jumping from a moving train.
那倒是真的
That's... that's very true.
看来我是电影看多了
I suppose I watch too many movies.
人人如此
Everybody does.
这是社会的弊病
Societal malady.
为了杀时间 满脑子都是骗人的把戏
Fill my brain with lies to pass the time,
只要一眨眼的功夫
in the blink of an eye,
超级慢动作里的一眨眼
and an eye blink in excruciatingly slow motion.
就像狂犬病毒一样
It's like the rabies virus,
附着在我们的神经中枢上
attaching itself to our ganglia,
逐渐把我们变成它
changing us into itself.