老友有喜（2011）

He's fine.
哦哟 他没事的 他没事啊
My God, he's fine. He'll be fine.
我把他放电视机前 他会睡着的
I'll put him in there. He'll fall asleep.
他饿了啊
He's hungry.
那是"我饿了"的哭声 只要喂他就好了
That's his hungry cry. Just go feed him.
那你干嘛不喂他
Why don't you feed him?
我带奶瓶了 你干嘛不喂他一次
I brought the bottle, why don't you feed him for once?
好 那我来喂 又不是什麽大不了的事情
Fine, I'll feed him! It's not like it's that big a deal.
她有必要表现出 我为了要孩子强♥奸♥她一样么
She acts like I raped her to have a kid.
那 杰斯 工作怎么样
So, Jase, how's work?
噢 还行
Oh, fine.
-我们在做超级碗的比赛 -对不起
-We're doing the Bud Super Bowl spots. -Excuse me.
-那很不错啊 -确实不错啊
-Pretty cool. -That is cool.
下个是我了
And that's my cue.
显然 轮到我了...
My turn, clearly...
你要帮忙么 亲爱的
You need help, sweetie?
不用 不用 我没事
No, no, I'm all right.
凯丽怎么样了
How's Callie?
噢 那个...我们分了
Oh, we... We broke up.
-不是吧... -那是 4个月前的事了
-No... -Like, four months ago.
喔...
Oh...
-我们能再来一块么 -谢谢
-Can we get another? -Thank you.
-天哪 -那太不可思议了
-Jesus Christ. -That was unbelievable.
-话说回来 说真的... -天哪
-Seriously, though... -God!
我们不认识那帮人 那帮人刻薄 易怒 而且...
We don't know those people. Those people are mean, and angry, and...
刻薄
Mean.
-那是怎么发生的 -我不知道
-When did that happen? -I don't know.
我不明白 他们几时有的孩子
I don't know, when they had kids?
-拜托 那也不会让你刻薄啊 -或许就是会
-Come on, that doesn't make you mean. -Maybe it does.
我们能再来一点么
Can we get a couple more?
不会 拜托 肯定不是那样 至少肯定不止这样
No, come on, it can't be that. It can't be just that.
我的意思是 是 是会经历困难 肯定会
I mean, it's hard, yeah. It's got to be hard.
嗯 必然
Sure.
你要知道 经历怀孕
You know, you go through pregnancy
而且压力很大 你会变胖 会烦躁 我知道
and it's stressful and you're fat and cranky, and I get that.
当然
Of course.
但是 我很遗憾 这就是上了刀山
But, I'm sorry, that's what you signed on for.
-是的 -他们都知道上了刀山
-Yes, you did. -They both knew going in
而且这就得持续9到10个月
that it was going to be shitty for nine or ten months.
我知道 是吧
I know, right.
不过 到最后 你有一个很棒的小孩子 像科尔一样
But, then, you get a great kid at the end. Like Cole.
我知道 有孩子这个经历是最为激动和了不起的
I know. The having the kid part's exciting and great.
生命的奇迹 人们带来礼物
Miracle of life, people bring gifts.
你有来访者 那些亲戚们 大家都聚在一起
You got visitors, the in-laws, everyone's around,
大家烤着东西 织着小帽子
people bake things and knit little hats...
是啊
Yeah,
但是这些精彩过后 是不是一年都不能睡安生觉
but then after all the hoopla, nobody sleeps for what, like a year?
对的 一两年
Yeah, a year or two.
是吧
Right.
那才是让你变得刻薄的原因
That'll make you mean.
你知不知道 于我而言 最难的那部份是什麽么
You know what the hardest part is to me, though?
那部份我就是无法理解的
The part I just can't wrap my brain around?
你阴♥道♥口变松
The loosening of the vagina
然后怕你的男人再也不能那么上你了
and the worry that your guy'll never like fucking you again
因为现在还是凹的 而且没有...
because it's cavernous now, and not...
不好意思 继续
Sorry, go ahead.
不是 最难的是 且所有人都说
No, the hardest part, and everyone says this,
就是你突然爱上了这个新生儿 一个陌生人
is that suddenly you love this creature, I mean, this stranger, right?
远过于你想陪着度过余生的那位
Far and above the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with.
你不愿意陪世上其他任何人
The person you chose on the planet over absolutely everyone else
却只要它
to be with.
那还有什麽别的办法 难道不那么喜欢你的孩子么
But what's the alternative, just not like your kid that much?
在它背后说话 把他扔着不管
Talk about him behind his back and leave him out of things?
告诉他他是小坏蛋
Tell him he's a douche bag?
不是 这是我的想法
No, this is my point,
相亲是有问题的 我是说 你想想
the setup is flawed. I mean, think about it.
到了我这岁数 即便白马王子出现
At my age, even if I meet my guy,
我是说 我的真命天子 我能有 大约
I mean, the guy I've been waiting for my whole life, I'll have, like, what?
6个月到1年的快乐日子 直到孩子出现
Six months to a year of awesome before we're plunged into babydom
然后就5年左右 再也无法快活起来
and then it doesn't get good again for like five years?
是的 如果你撑过了这段时间
Yeah, if you survive it.
你看 我都不知道
You see? I don't know how
能如何成为他的至爱
you get to be the most important person to your person
却又不错过小孩子的陪伴
and not miss out on having a kid.
除非你和一个带孩子的离婚男人结婚
Unless you marry a divorced guy with kids.
是啊 但是你错过了生育 而且只是后妈
Yeah, but then you miss out on birth and you're second best to the kids.
那怎么办
So what are you saying?
你想先离婚 带着小孩
You want to be already divorced, with a kid,
然后遇到梦中情人
so you can meet the man of your dreams?
事实上 离异人士好像很不错的样子
Actually, divorced people have it kind of great.
他们把乱七八糟的都留给前任
They get all the toxic unsexy stuff out of the way with the first person,
然后遇到真正想要在一起的人
and then when they meet the person they really want to be with,
他们不过照料孩子一半的时间
they only have to deal with the kid half the time.
是的 建立在双方认同的基础上
Right, built-in child care.
是啊 当孩子和前任在一起
Right, they get all kinds of time together
他们可以过自己的日子
when the kid's with the ex,
然后他们又能看到可爱的小孩子 因为这很特别
then they get QT with the kid because it's special.
对 这就像最好的相亲了
Right. It's like the perfect setup.
或是你就不要孩子了
Or you could just not have kids.
噢 我真的很想要嘛 你不想么
Oh, I want them so much, don't you?
你开玩笑么 我当然想啊
Are you kidding? Of course, I do.
我不管怎么样都要孩子
I'm going to have a kid no matter what.
嗯 我也一样 至少要一个
Well, me, too. At least one.
谢谢
Thanks.
-我们爲什麽不做 -做什麽
-Why don't we just do it? -Do what?
-生个小孩 然后度过这段时间 -什麽
-Have a kid. Get it over with. -What?
我们都喜欢彼此 信任彼此
We love each other, we trust each other,
我们有责任心 有收入
we're responsible, gainfully employed,
而且完全不为对方肉体所吸引
and totally not attracted to each other physically.
是啊 那很完美 完败体制
Yeah, that'd be perfect, beat the system.
好 我们有了小孩 分担责任
Right. We have the kid, share all the responsibility,
而且就直接跳过结婚 离婚的梦魇
and just skip over the whole marriage and divorce nightmare.
我是说 你根本也没浪费什麽时间 亲爱的
I mean, you don't really have a lot of time to waste, doll.
就那样 生一个 快速减肥
Get to it, pop one out, lose the weight quickly,
然后开始寻找你的那位
then start looking for your guy.
我不确定你现在还是不是在开玩笑了
I can't really tell if you're kidding right now.
喂
Yes?
-我如果不是呢 -不是什麽
-What if I wasnt? -What?
-不是开玩笑 -真的
-Kidding. -Really?
只是说 假如
Just what if?
那你倒是说说看 它的利弊
Just talk it through for a sec, pro and con it.
是 分而治之
Yeah, just spit ball.
我从来不会用这个用语
I never got that expression,
你是怎么在四年级
how do you go from fourth grade,
用一小片...东西打人家脖子...
hitting people in the neck with small pieces of...
-离题了 -我错了
-Off topic. -Sorry.
那 我们怎么告诉我们未来的那些人
Well, what would we tell our future people?
很简单 我们随便约过一两次 然后怀孕了
Easy. We dated casually once or twice, got pregnant,
你想要孩子 因为你老了
you wanted to keep the kid 'cause you're old.
谢谢
Thanks.
我没有选择 所以我们决定分担监护
I had no choice, so we decided to split custody
然后继续做朋友
and remain friends.
那我就是坏人了
That makes me the villain.
好吧 我们都想要一个孩子 但是不想要对方
Okay, we both wanted a kid but not each other,
所以分担监护 继续做朋友
so split custody and remained friends.
好一点了
Better.
那我如果在怀孕时遇到真命天子呢
What if I meet my guy while I'm pregnant?
那你就说 不知道是谁的 你最近脚踏两只船
Then you say you're not sure whose it is. You've been dating casually.
-那我就是荡♥妇♥了 -好吧 好吧
-Then I'm a slut. -Okay, all right.
那 你就告诉他 你只和人睡过一次觉 和我
Well, then, you told the guy whom you only slept with once, me,
而且我不想继续