圣诞节前夜（2015）

圣诞前夜
那是你犯的第一个错误
Well, that was your first mistake.
你想 百货公♥司♥是基于人们在逛商场时
You see, department stores are designed
不由自主地走顺时针方向的
on the premise that people naturally travel
前提而设计的
in a clockwise direction.
如果走逆时针方向 你就会省很多钱
Go counterclockwise and you'll spend less money.
也许吧
Huh, maybe.
哇 我得到奖杯了
Whoohoo, I got a trophy.
我是詹姆斯
I'm James.
好的 詹姆斯 进来吧
Oh, right, James, come in,
坐下吧
sit down over there.
你是詹姆斯·哈里斯
James Harris?
是的
Yes.
我想要的是一份签好的合同
I want a signed contract,
而不是一张听意大利人嚎三个小时的门票
not tickets to hear somebody cry in Italian for three hours.
让史蒂文接电♥话♥
Get Steven on the phone.
史蒂文在 伦敦 先生
Steven's in, um, London, sir.
今天可是平安夜
It's Christmas Eve there.
我问你伦敦现在的时间了吗
Did I bloody ask you what time it was in London?
假如在结账的时候 你除了付钱给收银员
Now, what if, instead of paying for things
还可以给他讲一个
with money, you could tell the cashier a story
你从没讲过的故事
that you've never told anyone before
故事越离谱 你能买♥♥的东西就越多
and the crazier it was, the more stuff you could buy?
故事一定要是真实的吗
Would the story have to be true?
百分之百真实 不然你就完蛋了
100% or else you get tased.
等等 如果有肿瘤的话
No wait, if the tumor's there,
我们会切除的 对吧
we take it, right?
这才是做手术的原因啊
That's why we operate.
你看过她的心脏 已经无力回天了
You saw her heart, the damage was already done.
如果在核磁共振检查时能发现
If I'd have seen it on the MRI,
我就不会给她动手术了
I would have never opened her up.
你觉得这都没关系吗
And you're okay with that?
等一下
Whoa, ho, hold up!
就是那个
That there,
你们到底有什么毛病
what's the problem with you people?
你们不知道什么叫阁楼吗
Don't you know what a penthouse is?
我不想一根柱子妨碍我的视线
I do not want a pillar obstructing my view!
恐怕这件事我们办不到 先生
I'm afraid that's just not possible, sir.
我是说 我们可以这样设计 但是我们就得
I mean, we could do it but we'd have to change
改变下面五层楼的设计
the five floors underneath.
正好 那五层楼都被我买♥♥下了
Well, it just so happens that I own those five floors
我还买♥♥了下面所有该死的楼层
and all the bloody floors beneath them.
我已经接通史蒂文了 先生
I have Steven on the phone for you, sir.
是我 史蒂文
Yeah, Steven?
由于帕弗里克能源公♥司♥出现了
Do to unforeseen financial constraints
意料之外的财政紧缩
placed upon Pavlick energy
公♥司♥不得不进行整改
a reorganization's become necessary,
最终决定终止与詹姆斯·哈里斯的雇佣合同
which results in the termination of James Harris.
等等 等等
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
我是被解雇了吗
I'm getting fired?
没有 只是下岗而已
No, laid off.
但今天是平安夜啊
But it's Christmas Eve.
嘿 特克 怎么了 兄弟
Hey, Turk, what's up, buddy?
什么
What?
六到八周
Six to eight weeks?
我的天啊 那我的后卫怎么办啊
Oh my god! What am I gonna do for a running back?
我们要迟到了
We're gonna be late!
你忘记了吗 我们每次都迟到
We're always late remember?
请各位快点上来
All aboard who's coming aboard.
快点 伙计们 抓紧时间
Hurry guys, hurry up!
冷静点 伙计们 今天可是圣诞节
Just chill, guys, it's Christmas.
快点 我们出发了
Come on, dawn!
你想啊 好消息是 我们都是朋友
Okay, look at this, good thing we're all friends here.
雅各布怎么办
What about Jacob?
他不可能进得来 走吧
There's no way he'd fit in, just go.
快点 雅各布
Oh, come on, Jacob.
他最好快一点
He'd better hurry.
对不起 先生们 有病人需要转移
Sorry boys, got a transport.
看啊 是罗伯茨医生
Oh well, well, it's Dr. Roberts.
你好 救护车护士
Nurse ratchet.
等等 这不是那个...
Wait a minute, isn't that the same...
别担心 她会昏迷两个小时
don't worry, she'll be out cold for another two hours,
然后某个可怜的护士 不得不告诉她一个坏消息
then some poor nurse will have to break her the news
因为你会离开很久
because you'll be long gone.
是的 她三十分钟内就会出来
Yeah, she's supposed to be out in 30 minutes.
我会在二十六分钟内赶到 只要地铁能准时到站
I should be there in 26, assuming the subway's on time
同时人行横道一路畅通
and the crosswalk signals are still set for commuter flow.
我现在不想谈这件事
I don't want to hear that right now.
听着 今天可是平安夜
Listen, it's Christmas Eve, we'll do it
这件事留到新年之后再说 行吗
after the new year, okay?
我们一起吃午饭 然后让新员工自我介绍
We'll have lunch, then we'll let the new guys
接着就关门过节了
introduce themselves and I'll cover the comp.
我有一个小问题 我正缺个后卫
Hey, quick question, I'm down a running back,
你觉得谁合适 莫雷诺...
who do you take, Moreno...
喂
Hello?
能听见我说话吗
Can you hear me?
先生 我想我提醒过你了
Um, sir, I just thought I'd remind you,
今天是你儿子的生日
it's your son's birthday.
而且今天是圣诞节 需要我用你的名字
And it's Christmas, should I send him a gift
给他送一份礼物吗
in your name, maybe?
你真了解我
Reading my mind already?
发生什么事了
What was that?
妈的
Shit!
出什么事了
What the hell?
圣诞前夕
乔治的复印机维修店 天外救星
我的圣母玛利亚
露皮塔 你在哪里 回答我
- 情况不妙 - 情况一点也不妙
- That's not good. - That's not good at all
是我瞎了吗
Am I blind?
谁知道发生什么事了吗
Anyone got any ideas?
我就知道 我会死在电梯里
I always knew I would die in an elevator.
我希望你能 把我的骨灰 撒在我们公♥寓♥周围
I want you to scatter my ashes over our apartment.
是撒在房♥顶上 还是楼梯和其他东西上
On the roof or like on the floors and stuff?
也许撒在鱼缸里会不错
Maybe just in the fish tank,
每天撒一点
like a little each day.
就像是 你知道的 喂鱼一样
Just like, you know, a doo-doo-doo.
你知道吗 人死之后的一年之中
Did you know your fingernails grow for like a year
指甲还是会生长的
after you're dead?
事实上 这件事是假的
Actually, that's a myth.
因为身体的腐烂 皮肤的皱缩
As the body decomposes, the skin recedes,
显得指甲好像在长一样
making it appear as if the nails are growing,
但其实并没有
but they're not.
刚刚是天才在说话 还是洁癖狂在接茬
Was that the brainiac or the clean freak?
我觉得应该是天才在说话
I think it was the brainiac.
洁癖狂的专业称呼是
The proper term for clean freak
强迫症患者
is obsessive compulsive.
主要是用做形容词
Used primarily as an adjective,
但有时候也当做动词使用
but sometimes as a noun.
我经常洗手
So I wash my hands a lot.
你应该感谢我
You should thank me.
事情越来越捉摸不透了
This is getting freaky.
斯图 你好 伙计
Stu, hey, dude,
是我
it's me.
外面发生什么事了
Yeah, what's going on out there, man?
你在开玩笑吧 整个城市吗
You're kidding me. The whole city?
你说什么
What are you telling me?
僵尸入侵 我就知道最后会这样
Zombies, I knew it would always end up like this.
你被暴走族撕破了脸
You getting your face ripped off by bikers
而我却被困在电梯里 请等等
and me stuck in an elevator with, hold please,
你叫什么名字
what's your name?
小酒窝吗
Dimples?
你刚刚说自己叫小酒窝吗