失败者（2025）

科学研究发现 雏鸟必须在
Science has worked out chicks have to jump
出生后36至72小时内跳下悬崖
between 36 and 72 hours old.
太早跳 身上的绒毛不足以减缓坠落速度
Any earlier, they don't have enough fluff to slow their fall.
太晚跳 骨骼变得太硬太脆
Any later, and their bones are too hard and brittle
无法承受冲击而存活
to survive the impact.
好了 科学 都交给你了 希望你知道自己在做什么
Okay, science, over to you. I hope you know what you're doing.
呃
Uh-oh!
不 那
No, no, no, no, no, oh. Well, that...
摔得太惨了
Oh, that was brutal.
不 它似乎没事
Oh, no, he does seem to be okay.
哎呀
Oh! Yikes.
25%的存活率并不丢人
You know, 25% is nothing to be ashamed of. Mm-mm.
好 小家伙 轮到你了
Okay, little guy, it's all you.
你可以的
You got this.
你的手足虽然遭遇血腥的可怕结局
Just because your siblings met a horrible, graphic demise
但不代表你也会
doesn't mean that you're doomed, too.
就我对低空跳伞的零了解
From what I know about base jumping, which is, you know, almost nothing,
我觉得它这次很有可能会成功
this is good, I think he's got a real shot here.
左边一点
Left a bit.
左 左边一点
Ah, left, left a bit, left a bit, left a bit, left a--
好 撑住
Okay, hold that.
撑住 撑住
Hold that, hold that, hold that. Oofff!
不太理想 但振作起来
Not ideal, shake it off, shake it off.
不 不 你要稳住落地姿势
No, no, no, no, that's--oofff! Yeah, you gotta stick that landing.
不 惨不忍♥睹
Nope, that's hard to watch.
好 掉在雪地上了
Okay, we're on the snow.
还在滚
And we're still going.
还在滚
Still going.
还在滚
And still going.
它还活着吗
Is he even alive?
这节目成本不低 默哀时刻等会儿再说
These shows are expensive, so we'll do the moment of silence later.
看啊 它真的活下来了
Oh, look! He did, in fact, survive.
这可不是靠它那个年度好爸爸
No thanks to father of the year over there.
别担心 多年后你会逐渐
Don't worry, you'll grow to have a more nuanced
培养出更细腻且更深层的怨恨感
and advanced sense of resentment in many years to come.
我不会替赖瑞的育儿选择辩护
I'm not gonna defend Larry's parenting choices,
它是糟糕透顶的老爸
he's a reprehensible father,
但老实说 它最后一只小雁还活着
uh, but frankly, his last chick is alive,
不是它的功劳 而是即使这样它还能存活
not because of him, but, you know, despite him.
不过至少这只小雁还有父母
But at least it still has its parents,
这比某些动物好多了
which is more than we can say for some.
我们回到一开始的话题
So, we're back to where we started.
来看看谁获得育儿最偷懒动物奖
With the parent who wins the prize for the least effort--
慢着 这种事还能得奖
wait, there's a prize for that?
哦
Oh.
当然 这还没算进那些完全缺席的老爸们
Of course that's not counting all of the absentee fathers.
像这只汤氏瞪羚 宝宝刚生下来
The Thomson's gazelle, heading out who knows where
就一溜烟不知道去哪儿了
as soon as her tiny offspring exited her birth canal.
现在清算时刻来了
Well, now the moment of reckoning has come.
它那无辜的小幼崽这一刻不得不面临
The moment when her innocent little calf will have to face the consequences
妈妈的懒散育儿方式的后果
of mom's lazy-ass approach to motherhood.
它有很多种被吃掉的方式
There are so many ways it could be eaten.
它可能会被追捕 被开膛破肚
He could be chased down and, and disemboweled.
被撕成碎片
Shredded to ribbons.
你甚至不想知道它会怎么对付它
You don't even want to know what she'd do to him.
或更惨 会被胡狼残忍♥地分尸
Or worse, be ruthlessly dismembered by jackals.
那些仍因《小鹿斑比》而心灵受创的人
To those of you still traumatized by Bambi,
我很抱歉 我和我的团队正努力不懈
I am sorry. Me and my team are working relentlessly
找出射杀斑比妈妈的猎人 将他绳之以法
to find the hunter, uh, who shot Bambi's mom and bring him to justice.
这慢动作 不 不
Oh, the slow motion, no, no, no, no, no.
这悲伤的戏剧性配乐
The sad, dramatic music.
我想这幼崽即将步上斑比妈妈的后尘
I think Junior's about to meet Bambi's mom.
但慢着 这是谁
But wait, who's this?
正如我们从痒痒鼠太太 那悲惨的命运中学到的
You see, as we learned from Mrs. Ticklemouse's sad demise,
大自然最擅长的 就是误导
Mother Nature is nothing if not a master of the misdirect.
这位妈妈确实独自离开 丢下刚出生的宝宝
It's true that mom here wandered off, left her newborn baby alone,
让宝宝置身于幼崽掠食者环伺的险境
surrounded by serial baby-eaters,
诡异的是 这还是我第一支乐团的名称呢
which is weirdly the name of my first band.
但这是因为妈妈不想让宝宝引起注意
But it's because she didn't want to draw attention to him.
事实是 妈妈一直在远处守护着它
Truth is, she was always watching from afar.
所以当胡狼真的发现幼崽时
So when the jackals do find the baby,
她能在0.3秒内从懒妈妈
she can go from lazy-ass to kick-ass
变身拼命妈
in 0.3 seconds.
因为父母就是这样
Because that's the thing about parents.
我们不总是完美无缺
We're not always perfect.
我们会犯错
We make mistakes.
有时甚至显得糟糕透顶
Sometimes we seem downright terrible.
但到了关键时刻
But at the end of the day,
我们还是会挺身而出
when it really matters, we've got this.
它又跑掉了
And she's gone again.
你在 开玩笑吧
Are you kidding me?!
我没生气 不 我只是失望
I'm not mad, I'm- no, I'm just disappointed.
我的口气听起来像我妈
Oh, I sound like my mother.
嗨 老妈
Hi, Tam-Tam.
（完）
其中一种最有趣的动物妈妈是负鼠
One of the most interesting of all mother animals is the opossum,
它会随身带着宝宝们 无论走到哪里
who carries her litter of babies with her wherever she goes.
它需要健康的界限 有时会遗失一两只宝宝
She needs healthy boundaries. Sometimes one or two do fall off,
但它们通常会找到路 回到妈妈和其他宝宝身边
but they usually find their way back to mother and the other babies.
除非你跑得比它们快
Not if you run faster than they can.
有时它会用尾巴吊起宝宝们
Sometimes the opossum hangs by her tail.
可能是想把几只宝宝甩掉
Probably trying to shake a few off.
但很快它们都能安顿下来 开始小睡
But soon they all settle down for a quiet nap.
终于平静了
Ohh, finally. Peace.