失败者（2025）

不是 我开玩笑的 好 这个呢
No, I was kidding. Okay, uh, this thing?
不是 你说得对 这烂透了
No, you're right, that's terrible.
绝对不是
No, definitely not.
（臭袜子）
我根本不知道那是谁的
I don't even know who that belongs to.
好 该拿出压箱宝了
Okay, time for the showstopper.
它在这世上拥有的最珍贵之物
The finest thing he owns in the world.
这么做就相当于
Sure, it's the bowerbird equivalent
在第一次约会时就大喊"我爱你"
of screaming "I love you!" on a first date,
或是说"如果我们在一起 你永远要跟我妈竞争"
or "You'll always compete with my mother if we..."
总之 它会接受的
Anyway, she's gonna go for it.
或许不会
Or maybe not.
别担心 赛巴斯汀
Nah, don't worry, Sebastian.
当你拥有单身公♥寓♥
Who needs a mate?
还有网络时
When you have a man cave...
谁还需要伴侣呢
and the Internet.
（白石子 绿叶 电线）
无论用什么方法吸引潜在伴侣
However you try to impress a potential partner,
了解对方的需求总是个好主意
it's always a good idea to know your audience.
但请注意
But be warned.
不管你觉得自己哪里最有魅力
Whatever you think you've got going for you,
女性注意的 通常是另一回事
women are usually looking for something completely different.
（炫耀你最棒的资产）
这是小鼻子
This is Littlenose.
这个绰号♥还挺讽刺的
Kind of an ironic nickname.
它是母长鼻猴
She's a proboscis monkey.
整天和一群姐妹 闺密
She hangs out with a bunch of sisters, girlfriends,
还有点头之交混在一起 组成一个和乐融融的姐妹淘
and loose acquaintances in one big, happy girl group.
还有这家伙
Plus this guy.
我现在知道它为什么叫小鼻子了
Oh, I get why she's called Littlenose now.
它的闺密们都有宝宝了
All her gal pals have babies.
可爱的宝宝
Cute ones.
它决定该轮到自己当妈了
She's decided that it's time to have one of her own.
这表示该打开交友软件 寻找真命天子了
Which means it's time to hit the apps and find Mr. Right.
它一定就在世上 某个角落吧
He must be out there... somewhere.
小鼻子的一天和往常没什么两样
Littlenose's day starts, well, like every other day,
还是从觅食开始
with the search for food.
成熟的叶子都有毒
Mature leaves are all poisonous,
所以它要努力寻找嫩芽
and that means looking for tender young shoots
至少没那么容易要命
that are slightly less likely to kill you.
不过今天的行程要刺♥激♥多了
But today, her schedule's about to get a little more exciting.
因为它想谈恋爱的消息已经传开了
Word's got out that she's looking for love.
当地的单身公猴群个个信心满满
And the local bachelor pack are pretty confident
觉得自己正是它要找的真命天子
they've got just the thing she's looking for.
来看看一号♥单身猴
Meet bachelor number one.
它喜欢爵士乐 漫步和浪漫的居家夜晚
He enjoys jazz, long walks, and romantic nights in.
最好是啦
Uh-huh, sure he does.
小鼻子宁可吃毒叶子
She'd rather eat the poisonous leaves.
接下来是二号♥单身猴
Introducing bachelor number two.
这位肌肉型猛♥男♥
A muscular bombshell,
希望用自己的体能来打动小鼻子
he's hoping to impress her with his athletic prowess.
（二号♥单身猴）
GG了
Oh, no!
反正赶紧爬上岸就没事了 对吧
He can just walk that off, right?
不 可能不行
No, maybe not.
（六号♥单身猴）
麻烦的是 虽然这些年轻力壮的公猴
Trouble is, for all their conventional qualities,
条件不错 但它们缺少一样
these youthful, vigorous males don't possess
小鼻子真正想要的特质
the special something Littlenose is looking for.
（13号♥单身猴）
（25号♥单身猴）
但所有单身猴都被拒绝后
But when you've rejected all the bachelors,
还能去哪里找对象呢
where's left to look?
不行 绝对不行
Nope, no, definitely not.
好 它年纪大到可以当小鼻子的爷爷
Okay, he's old enough to be her grandpa.
它明显没在顾牙齿卫生 这以后会变成大♥麻♥烦
He's clearly behind on dental hygiene, that's gonna come back to haunt you.
但你知道比牙齿问题 更糟糕的是什么
But you know what's gonna come back to haunt you even worse?
皮疹
The rash.
这会传染 很快会传遍全身
That's contag--you're gonna have that all over the place.
但它身上有某种特质
But there is something about him,
正是小鼻子一直在寻找的东西
and it turns out it's exactly the thing she's been looking for.
一个跳动的 超规格的 巨大无比的
A throbbing, off-the-scales, truly enormous...
鼻子
nose.
在长鼻猴的世界里
And in the proboscis world,
那代表一个非常具体的特征
that's a sign of one very specific detail--
更大的蛋蛋
bigger cojones.
王室御宝
Crown jewels.
小伙子 我喜欢这说法
Little lads. I like that one.
或是科学家们坚持要我说的 滑头罪犯
Or as the scientists insist I say, smooth criminals.
不 抱歉 是睾丸 睾丸
No, sorry, testicles, testicles, testicles.
这表示跟它来一段浪漫时光
Which means a little quality time with him
是小鼻子怀孕的最佳机会
is her best chance
也就是科学家口中的"肚子被搞大"
of getting what I believe those scientists call "knocked up."
当然 它可能已经 和四个姐妹淘 八个闺密
Sure, he may already have mated with four besties,
16个邻居 甚至某人的奶奶
eight girlfriends, 16 neighbors,
都交♥配♥过了
uh, and someone's grandma...
但这么多母猴不可能都看走眼吧
But all those ladies can't be wrong.
祝你们好运 单身猴们
Better luck next time, bachelors.
（四号♥单身猴）
事实是 没大鼻子 你根本没机会
Truth is, without the nose, you never stood a chance.
（八号♥单身猴）
结果不得不承认
Turns out, hate to say it,
大小确实重要
size does matter.
（25号♥单身猴）
可恶
Damn it.
不过 爱情也不总是这么肤浅
But love isn't always that shallow.
有时重点不在于你拥有什么 而在于你怎么运用
Sometimes it's not what you've got but what you do with it that counts.
策略才是重点
Strategy is everything.
还记得黑皮吗
Remember Happy?
它仔细审视了一下自己的处境 然后灵光一闪
He's had a long, hard look at his situation, and he's had an idea.
当它无法打动一个比它魁梧
With no other way to win the heart of a female
比它有地位的母鬣狗
that outsizes and outranks him,
黑皮决定一直跟着它
he's decided he's simply gonna follow her
无论要跟多久
for as long as it takes,
也许一辈子
maybe forever.
在人类的世界 这种程度的坚持
In the human world, this level of persistence
会让你收到限制令
would land you a restraining order,
可能让你入狱二到四年
uh, and two, possibly four years in prison.
更别说这招会让你变成超级变♥态♥
To say nothing of the fact that it makes you a super creep.
但对鬣狗来说 这是一种经过重重验证的方式
But for hyenas, it's a tried and tested way
可以展现你的完全忠诚
to demonstrate your total devotion.
祝你好运 兄弟
Good luck with that, buddy.
（再次待续）
你已选定了对象
So you've chosen the one
并想出一个万无一失的策略 好赢得她的芳心
and come up with a surefire strategy to win their heart,
但竞争依然激烈
but it's still a crowded arena out there.
下一步就是击退竞争者
The next stage is to fend off the competition.
（击败对手）
这只公火鸡在寻找伴侣
This male turkey is looking for a mate.
尽管外表看起来不起眼
And despite having a deeply underdog appearance,
但它性感的摆动仍吸引了几只母火鸡
his sexy shimmying has still attracted some females.
它只需要展示自己最迷人的特征 搞定一切
He just needs to close the deal by flopping out his most dazzling feature.
它的红色肉垂
His snood.
皱巴巴的
That's wrinkly.
像个垂挂的可伸缩鼻套
Like a dangly, extendable... nose sock.
我通常不推荐微整形
I'm not for injectables, typically,
但你可能要整一下那玩意
but you know, you could probably get some work done on that thing.
惊人的是 展示这玩意就够了
Astonishingly, that's all it takes.
母火鸡躺下来 表示准备好了
And the turk-lady lies down to signal she's ready.
一切都完美地照计划进行
It's all going perfectly to plan.
直到
Until...
杀出一堆"程咬金"
Sock-blocked.
对方还是自己的兄弟们
And by his own brothers.
碎骨者
Bonecrusher.
浴血者
Bloodbather.
以及 伊恩
And... Ian.