中年失恋日记（2022）

所以你是怎么得上乳♥房♥♥癌的？
Hi, Colin. Hello, I'm Michael, the ex.
嗨 柯林 你好 我是他的前任麦克
I know it looks like I was in a bar fight, but no, I got drunk at gay ski weekend,
我知道 我看起来像在酒吧干了架
但其实我是在同性恋滑雪周末喝醉了
and the friends who were taking me to my room
然后带我回房♥间的朋友们
dropped me on my face.
没扶住我 让我摔了个狗吃屎 很高兴见到你
Nice to meet you.
Hello. I'm Craig, and this is my wife, Janet.
你好 我是克雷格 这位是我的妻子珍妮特
- Sorry, wife? - The train was moving too fast.
抱歉 妻子？
你一直说个不停 我没机会阻拦你
I couldn't stop you.
Oh, my...
I thought he was your new boyfriend, the architect.
我以为他是你的新男友 那个建筑师
I saw pictures of you guys in Miami last week.
我看到你们上周在迈阿密的照片了
First of all, that guy's not my boyfriend.
首先 那家伙不是我的男朋友
He's somebody I went out with a few times who happened to be in Miami.
我只是碰巧在迈阿密遇到了他 和他一起出去玩过几次
Second, he looks nothing like Craig.
其次 他和克雷格一点都不像
Craig, Janet, Colin.
克雷格 珍妮特 柯林
Third, I'd never have brought a date to this out of respect...
第三 我绝对不会带约会对象来这里 难道你带同伴来了？
Did you bring somebody?
No. Honestly, I was just trying to make you feel comfortable
没有 说实话 我只想让你自在一些
and not have it be weird between us again.
不让我们之间的关系太尴尬
I am sorry about the dog meltdown.
我为之前对你养狗的反应道歉
My mother heard the whole tirade and called me a whiny bitch,
我妈妈听了我的愤怒谴责 结果说我是个发牢骚的贱♥人♥
in case you were wondering whose side she came down on.
如果你想知道她站在哪一方的话
That's okay. I probably should've broken that news more thoughtfully.
没关系 也许我本该 以更贴心的方式告诉你那个消息
He pooped in my Prada loafers, if it makes you feel better.
你会欣慰 他在我的普拉达乐福鞋里拉了大便
Yeah, I don't love that it makes me feel better, but it does.
虽然我不喜欢这样 但这确实让我有些欣慰
If everyone could get to their seats, the ceremony is about to begin.
请大家各就各位 婚礼仪式即将开始
- I guess I'll see you later. - Sounds good.
-那就一会儿见吧 -好的
♪ If only you could see me now... ♪
Friends, family, and loved ones,
朋友们、家人们和爱人们
we gather today to celebrate the marriage of Jonathan and Jonathan.
我们今天聚集一堂 庆祝乔纳森与乔纳森的婚礼
Two halves joining to create one long, happy life together.
两个人合二为一 共同打造一个长久幸福的生活
I'm okay.
我没事
Jonathan, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
乔纳森 无论疾病还是健康 直到死亡将你们分开？
- I do. - And Jonathan?
-我愿意 -那乔纳森呢？
I do.
我愿意
And now the rings.
现在交换戒指
They symbolize your commitment to each other
它们象征着你们对彼此的承诺
and a daily reminder that you are a family.
无时无刻提醒着你们已成为一家人
My best friend.
我的挚友
- My heart. - Forever.
-我的心 -直到永远
- Yeah! - Hup!
Mazel tov!
恭喜！
I now pronounce you husband and husband.
我现在宣布你们结为夫夫
You may kiss your Jonathan.
你可以亲吻你的乔纳森了
Only one percent of men get breast cancer.
只有1％的男人会得乳腺癌
That is not the one percent I aspired to be in.
这可不是我想加入的1％
Well, I had a scare three years ago, and I had just had 'em lifted.
三年前 我也经历过一次恐慌 我刚刚做完丰胸手术
Eight grand to perk these babies up, and now you find some funny cells?
花了八千美元丰满这对宝贝 结果发现了某些奇怪的细胞？
But they radiated the fuck outta that bitch, and I'm totally fine now.
不过他们用辐射把那些混♥蛋♥都杀死了 我现在完全康复了
You will be too, sweetie.
你也会的
Stage-one tumors are very responsive to treatment. Survival rate is nearly 90%.
一♥期♥肿瘤对治疗的反应非常良好 存活率接近90％
First-year med student at Columbia.
哥伦比亚大学的一年级医学生
He's going to be a doctor too? Oh, so it's official.
他以后会当医生？ 所以你们正式确认了
There is no God.
上帝是不存在的
All you got goin' on, what are you doin' with this geezer?
你这么优秀 为什么要和他在一起？
- I know, right? - Yeah.
就是说啊
But I'm kind of crazy about him. I guess you could say I'm an old soul.
但我就是很喜欢他 大概是因为我的灵魂很老成吧
Oof, don't tell Billy that. You're already at the cutoff.
别告诉比利 你可是他约会对象的年龄上限
Hey, did you talk to Colin about the apartment?
嘿 你跟柯林谈公♥寓♥的事了吗？
I was going to, and then the ceremony started.
我本来要说的 然后婚礼就开始了
Maybe I'll go over now. His table looks pretty empty.
也许我可以过去聊聊 他的桌子没什么人
It's okay to say hello to him, by the way.
对了 你可以跟他打招呼的
He's done his time.
我已经惩罚够他了
- I'm commuting his sentence. - Seriously?
-我要给他减刑 -真的吗？
Yeah. It's just too exhausting to stay mad anymore.
是啊 总是这样生气 真的太累人了
Come here. I'm so proud of you.
过来 我真的为你骄傲
Mwah!
Was it something you said? Where is everybody?
是因为你说了什么话吗？ 大家都跑哪里去了？
You got the friends table.
你坐在朋友桌
I got the gay singles table.
我这里是单身同性恋桌
I think they're in the bathroom doing blow.
他们大部分都在洗手间嗑药呢
Note all the untouched plates of food.
那些盘子里的食物几乎没动过
At least you'll get to take home the centerpiece.
至少你能拿走餐桌中♥央♥的摆饰了
No, not necessarily. There's a twitchy shoe salesman who's got his eye on it.
那倒不一定 有个神经兮兮的鞋子推销员盯上了
Although that might be just a fetching little tic.
不过也可能只是他面部抽筋而已
Oh, sounds promising!
听起来很有希望嘛
Um...
Anyway, there's this little business thing that I would like to...
对了 有一个正经事 我想…
Everyone, the mother of Puerto Rican Jonathan wants to make a toast!
各位 波多黎各乔纳森的母亲 想为大家致敬酒辞！
First, let me say I'm thrilled
首先 我真的很兴奋
that after 12 years, one child,
在一起12年 共同抚养了一个孩子
and six trips to Mykonos that could have been honeymoons...
去了六次 本可以当作蜜月旅行的米科诺斯岛后
...these boys are finally making it legal!
这两个小伙子终于正式结婚了！
Though, as a devout Catholic,
但作为虔诚的天主教♥徒♥
I'm not sure that them living in sin was my biggest problem.
他们婚前同居这一罪恶 也许并不是我最担忧的一点
- Gay joke. - Yeah.
-同性恋笑话 -对
But I really wanna thank
但我真的想感谢
their very good friends, Michael and Colin,
他们的好朋友麦克和柯林
who I see right there,
他们就坐在那里
for splitting up,
感谢他们分手
because it scared my son into marrying Jewish Jonathan
因为这件事给我儿子敲了警钟 所以决定和犹太乔纳森结婚
after seeing how easily a relationship can end
毕竟他看到如果没有婚姻的束缚
without the threat of divorce hanging over it!
一段关系是多么容易结束！
- Glad we could help! - Hear, hear.
-很高兴我们能帮上忙！ -同意
Cheers, everyone!
大家干杯！
Cheers.
干杯
Wh...
A little unexpected attention. Thanks, Tipsy Teresa.
意外成了焦点 谢谢你啊 醉醺醺的特蕾莎
At least something good came out of our breakup.
至少我们的分手导致了这件好事发生
You know, I always thought if we ever did this, got married,
我总是认为 如果我们当初要结婚
it would be just the two of us.
那就只限于我们两个人
No walk down the aisle, no party. Just... private.
不需要婚礼仪式、派对 就…我们两个
I guess I'm glad we didn't.
也许没结婚是好事
If we were to end up where we are,
如果我们早晚会有这样的结果
getting married wouldn't have prevented you from becoming unhappy.
结婚也无法改变你不开心的结局
I don't know that I was unhappy... exactly. It's just...
倒不是说我过得不开心…只不过…
So much of our lives had been together, and...
我们在一起生活了这么多年
I don't... Everything going forward seemed so inevitable.
之后的一切似乎都会按部就班进行
I couldn't accept the fact that the rest of my story had already been written.
我无法接受自己的人生会一成不变
Funny, I found that comforting.
有趣 我倒是觉得这话让我欣慰
Well, thanks to your midlife crisis, now I get to have one of my own.
多亏了你的中年危机 现在我有了自己的中年危机
- Michael, I didn't mean... - No, no, no, it's all good. It's all good.
-麦克 我不是… -不 没关系
I want you to be happy.
我希望你幸福
I really do.
真的
Now we both have new stories to write.
现在我们两个的人生 都能谱写新篇章了
Thanks.
谢谢
- I want you to be happy too. - Thanks.
-我也希望你幸福 -谢谢
What's this business you wanna talk about?
你想谈什么正经事来着？
Yeah, so I appreciate that you have been paying for half the mortgage,
对 我很感谢你之前付了一半的贷款
and I know you wanna put it on the market,
我知道你想把房♥子放入市场出♥售♥
but I just got a big commission check,
但我刚刚拿到一笔数目不菲的佣金
and I'd like to buy you out and stay in the apartment.
我想买♥♥下你的份额 留在公♥寓♥里
Oh! Wow. Um...
I mean, I totally get you wanting to stay in the apartment. It's just, um...
我很理解你想留在那间公♥寓♥ 只不过
my investment brain needs to figure out if it's the right move.
我的投资头脑需要思考一下 这样做是否正确
- Can I think about it for a little while? - Yeah, sure.
能让我考虑一下吗？
当然可以
- Look who's back and ready to party. - Oh.
瞧瞧谁回来准备好狂欢了
I'll leave you two.
我就不打扰你们了
Miss me?
想我了吗？
Oh!
How about that crazy toast?
那套扯淡的敬酒辞是搞什么？
I was a second away from pretending
我差点就要假装自己被鸡骨头呛到 帮你分散注意力
to choke on a chicken bone as a distraction,
but that would mean putting this chicken in my mouth, and have you tasted it?
不过这意味着 我得把鸡肉放进嘴里 你尝了吗？