卡戴珊家族（2022）

“准备好了 没人是安全的”
"You guys, no one is safe.
“我要把你们都推进火坑“
"I'm gonna throw you all under the bus."
你想好了独白要说什么吗
Do you know what you wanna say in the monologue?
没想好 我想说 “大家好”
No, I want to say hi.
“是他们逼我来的“
Everyone's forced me to be here.
说真的 我其实是弱者
Listen, I'm the underdog.
人人都觉得我胸大无脑
Everyone just thinks I'm a ditz.
有个演过《威尔和格雷丝》的姑娘
The girl from Will and Grace came out
跳出来说 她真不明白
and said that she has no idea
怎么会选我当主持人 但问题是 关你啥事啊
why I would be chosen as a host. But it's like, why do you care?
我可不会留言去打击别人
I don't comment to tear people down,
尤其对方也是个女性
especially another female.
姐妹 如果你真那么想的话
If that's what you think, dude, then...
行吧 随你
cool, tune in.
我可能不太适应长流苏
The long tassels might freak me out.
比如我打招呼的时候
If I'm like, "Hi."
我经常会比手画脚的
I use my hands a lot,
长流苏让我觉得自己像个章鱼
and I'll feel like an octopus.
我希望这次能让大家觉得
I want this to be a moment where
“哇 她还挺搞笑的”
people are like, "Oh, wow. She was funny."
-你紧张吗 -当然紧张
-Are you nervous? -I am nervous.
给你听这个 我刚收到的语♥音♥信息
Listen to this. I just got this voice note.
我的天 你要主持《周六夜现场》了
Oh, my God, you're hosting SNL. Oh, my God.
电♥话♥里
克莉茜·泰根
你紧张死了吗
Are you dying? Are you dying?
-紧张死了吗 反正我快紧张死了 -是谁
-Are you dying? I'm dying. -Who is that?
我的天
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-我的天 好吧 -克莉茜·泰根
-My God. Okay. -Chrissy Teigen.
我就想说 “我当然紧张死了”
But I'm just like, "Yeah, I'm dying."
“我紧张死了 现在你让我更紧张了”
"I'm dying. Now you're freaking me out even more.
“我真谢谢你了 你让我更紧张了”
"Thanks. You're freaking me out actually even more."
人人都尖叫说
Everyone's blowing me up,
“我的天啊” 我从没收到过这么多短♥信♥
like, my God. I've never gotten more texts,
我只能说 “好吧 你们高兴就好”
and I'm like, "Okay, I'm glad that you're happy."
我真的很想让大家刮目相看
I really do wanna surprise people,
我希望自己能做到
and I hope that I can bring it.
我真的打给了艾米·舒默
I literally called, like, Amy Schumer,
我说 “天 我要主持《周六夜现场》了”
and I was like, "Oh, my God, I'm hosting SNL."
她说 “我会帮你的独白写几个笑话”
She's like, "I'll help you write some jokes for your monologue."
我说 “能有真正搞笑的朋友可真好”
And I was like, "I love having really funny friends."
金·卡戴珊主持《周六夜现场》 太疯狂了
Kim Kardashian on SNL. It's crazy.
一定会是史诗级的 历史性的 一定乐趣无穷
It's going to so epic, and fun, and historical,
你一辈子也忘不了
you'll never forget this.
这将是我这辈子最酷的时刻
It'll be the coolest moment of your life.
这可是直播
This will be live.
直播
Live.
科勒
你好啊
Hello, there.
-你真美 -谢谢 你也很帅
-You look good. -Thank you. So do you.
我跟特里斯坦目前并没有在一起
Tristan and I currently are not exactly together.
特里斯坦家
他算是我最好的朋友之一
He's one of my best friends.
-有什么新鲜事吗 -没什么
-What's going on? -Not much.
我每周会见他几次
I see Tristan a couple times a week.
他是个非常亲力亲为的爸爸
He's a really hands-on dad,
我跟他并没有剑拔弩张
and me and Tristan don't have tension.
我们相处得很好
We get along really, really well.
所以跟他一起抚养孩子很轻松
And so, it's just easy to co-parent with him.
话说 能在烧烤派对见到大家可真好
So good seeing everyone at the barbecue, you know.
-挺好的吧 -对 凯莉的状态可真好
-It was nice, right? -Yeah. And Kylie looked so good.
我之前都不知道她有身孕了
I didn't know she was like, popping popping.
宝宝不声不响地就在她肚子长大了
The baby's cooking in there,
我突然就看到了
like, I see it.
我真不知道她怀孕那么久了
I didn't know she's that far along.
如果特里斯坦当初强硬一点
I know if Tristan had his way,
我们现在肯定还在一起
I guess that we would completely be together.
我只是需要喘口气 花点时间去思考
I just need a little breathing room and time to think.
我知道你很快就要去萨克拉门托了
I know you're going to be heading to Sac soon.
我相信有些事
And something that I know
对我俩都很重要 就是心理治疗方面
means a lot, I think, to the both of us is the therapy aspect.
我注意到你比赛赢了的时候
I notice such a big difference in you
跟以前有很大区别
when you are on top of your game
你会保持状态 这句不是双关
and you, no pun intended, and you just stay on,
就是你的个人健康 整个状态
I think, your personal health, well-being,
无论是精神 身体 还是灵魂
whether that be mind, body, soul.
我觉得心理治疗对我俩都很有好处
I think it's great for both of us,
尤其是 我们有了很大的成长空间
especially because we've had a lot of room to grow,
无论我们是做朋友 还是我们的现状
regardless of us being friends or where we stand,
我觉得我们在一起成长
I think we both grow together.
那让我们的家庭 我们的联结 更紧密了
It just makes our family, and our bond better.
特里斯坦非常坚定地希望我们能复合
Tristan is very determined on us getting back together.
他经常去做心理咨♥询♥ 一周去几次
He goes to therapy quite often, a couple times a week,
我们现在甚至一起去做伴侣治疗了
and we now even do couples therapy together.
虽说是“伴侣”治疗 但主要还是他
I say "couples," but it's really his therapy
我只是被邀请一起去
that I'm asked to join.
我觉得我管那叫“伴侣治疗”
I think I just call it couples therapy
只是因为我不知道还能叫什么
because I don't know what else you'd call it.
那对我来说一直是很奇怪的灰色地带
It's always such a weird gray area
-因为我们是如此好的朋友 -嗯
-because we are such great friends. -Yeah.
我觉得外人肯定特别不理解
And I think that's so confusing to outside people
如果我想 我可知道怎么做个恶人
because I know how to be a monster to you if I want to.
但你从来没对我做过恶人 我深表敬意
But you never have been, which I respect.
-我也非常感激 -好吧
-And I appreciate that. -Okay.
毕竟你从没烧过我的衣服
I mean, it's not like you've ever burned my clothes
砸过我的车什么的
or slashed my cars.
没有 我往你所有衣服上倒了水
No. I have thrown water on all your clothes.
-要不是… -真的吗
-If I wasn't... -You have?
我那时候怀孕九个月了 你出轨了
When I was nine months pregnant, when you cheated on me.
-好吧 是水 -要不是我怀孕了
-Yah. It was water. -If I wasn't pregnant,
我应该会狠狠揍你
I would have you up so...
我只是不想在生产前弄断自己的指甲
I just didn't want to break my nails before delivery.
-我得大声感谢你的指甲 -那当然
-Shoutout to the nails. -Yeah, for sure.
不过咱们还是… 都2021年了好吗
Yeah, but let's... Listen, it's 2021, okay?
别再重提20…
We can't be talking about 20...
-2018年的事了 -2018年
-Eighteen? -Eighteen.
每天他都努力向我证明
Every day, he tries to show me and prove to me
他已经脱胎换骨了
that he is a different person
我应该相信他
and that I should have faith and trust him.
但我俩实在经历了太多
But him and I have been through so much together
我对他有非常多的保留
that I have a lot of reservations.
我对他十分警惕 我总是想这样
My guards are up. I'm always kind of like this.
而特里斯坦却想熊抱我
And Tristan just wants to bear hug me, and it's just...
我说不好 我可能还是想这样
I don't know. I'm still kind of like this.
你知道我对你的感觉 你也知道
You know how I feel about you and you know I want to
我希望咱俩能复合 组建我们的家庭
get us back together and build our family,
希望有一天家庭成员还能再多几位
and, hopefully, be able to expand our family one day, God willing.
我觉得只有这样 你 或者我们
I think it is the avenue where you or we
才能听到彼此不一样的声音
-get to hear each other differently. -Mmm-hmm.
因为这些谈话以前绝对发生过
Because we've definitely had these conversations.
-你绝对犯过一些错… -当然
-You've definitely made mistakes... -Of course.
当时并没被重视 或者你并没有认真听过
that weren't taken seriously or they weren't really listened to.
当时好像并没有人指出你需要负责
I don't think someone was there to kind of hold you accountable.
那对于一段感情来说实在太沉重了
It's a lot of strain on a relationship.
-是 -信任是需要时间的
-Yeah. -Trust takes time.
你得明白我的意思
Understand what I'm saying.
我并没有说 做一次心理治疗就能获得信任了
I didn't say trust comes after a session.
信任确实需要时间
Trust takes time.
克里斯 我没有时间辫个全马尾辫
We're not going to have time, Chris, to do that full ponytail
去上《周六夜现场》
for SNL.
-不行吗 -好吗 得…
-No? -Right? It's going to have to...
你接过《周六夜现场》的活
You've done SNL before.