地狱担保人（2025）

H-Hey!
当苦难重重 - 该死
When hardships weigh heavy... - Damn it.
当苦难重重...
H-Hey! When hardships weigh heavy... - Shit.
该死,快点啦
And life's... h-hey! - Come on.
(在一桶金集团 我们将不可能化为可能)
当苦难重重
When hardships weigh heavy,
(姓名:米姬草津)
生活不过如此 无需斤斤计较 梦想也不必太大
and life's but a frig, no need's to small, no dream's too big.
搞什么?
The fuck?
填好表单,出♥卖♥♥♥灵魂 哈哈
Say bye to... Fill me out to sell your soul.Ha, ha!
(描述你的状况 17周大的儿子阿班草津)
填好表单,出♥卖♥♥♥灵魂
Fill me out to sell your soul.
(淋巴癌第四期)
(交易条件:让阿班痊愈)
哈哈 填好表单,出♥卖♥♥♥灵魂
Ha, ha! Fill me out to sell your soul.
哈 哈
Ha, ha!
填好表单,出♥卖♥♥♥灵魂
Fill me out to sell your soul. Ha, ha!
(O型Rh阴性血型)
(已提交申请表)
填好表单,出♥卖♥♥♥灵魂
Fill me out to sell your soul. Ha, ha!
填好表单,出♥卖♥♥♥灵魂
Fill me out to sell your soul.
哈 哈
Ha, ha!
米姬草津?
Midge kusatsu?
我是一桶金的阿里汗 朋友都叫我科斯莫
Ali Khan, pot o' gold. But my friends call me cosmo.
你们怎么知道我儿子生病了?
How did you people know my son was sick?
直接切入正题啊? 好,可以
Straight to it? All right, cool, cool.
我很快会解答你所有疑惑,但首先
Totally gonna hook you up with all the answers,but first,
你们家电♥话♥线都通吧?要找地方接线
your phone line works, right?Need someplace to Jack this in.
我破产了,如果你要骗钱 只是在浪费时间
I'm broke, so if this is a scam, then you are wasting your time.
一桶金都玩真的,好吗?
Pot o' gold's the real deal, all right?
不但救了我一命 还让我娶到那个大正妹
Saved me from the gallows and got me hitched to that smoke show over there.
来个飞吻吧,小甜心
Blow us a kiss, sunshine.
吃屎啦,法♥西♥斯♥分子
Eat me, fascist.
都结婚54年了 她还在气我投票给柴契尔
Been married 54 years and she's still mad I voted for Thatcher.
就那么一次!
One time.
你能相信吗?
Can you believe that?
你们集团的医疗方案 能马上让我儿子投保?
Your corporate health plan will cover my baby starting immediately?
没错
Yes, it will.
那么,科斯莫...
Well, then, cosmo
我就先假装相信你说的一切
I'll pretend to believe whatever you say.
可以进去了吗?
Shall we?
可以
Yeah.
你的交易条件正确吗?
Are your terms of sales listed correctly?
老板很重视规则 他会确保你遵守协议
Boss man's a stickler for the rules. He'll hold you to it.
“让阿班痊愈”
"For Benji to be cured."
对,上面是这么写的
Yep. That's what it says.
很好,那我们快安装好,传真过去
Groovy. Then we'll get this done and fax it in.
谁还在用传真?
Who still uses faxes?
这样才能联络总部,一桶金很传统
Only way to reach corporate. Pot o' gold's old-school.
我刚报到时还在打电报
When I started, it was telegrams.
给你个友善的提醒
And friendly tip:
等阿班突然好转 大家开始问东问西时
When Benji suddenly gets better and people start asking how,
别提到一桶金或你的新工作
d-don't mention pot o' gold or your new job.
除非你不怕惹麻烦
Not unless you like a bit of trouble.
我的新工作到底是什么?
What exactly i-is my new job?
主要是招募
Recruiting, mostly.
之后会让你处理棘手的人资问题
Later on, we might throw hr headaches at you,
像是遣返人选,管理担♥保♥人
like processing returns
那种鸟事,但是一开始呢
or supervising bondsmen, shit like that.
你要先贩售奇迹,收买♥♥灵魂
But starting out, you'll be selling miracles in exchange for souls.
我可以假装相信你说的话
And I will be great at pretending to believe that,
但我得事先声明
but just to set expectations.
我的销♥售♥能力很差
I'm horrible at sales.
连GAP服饰店都开除我
I got fired from the gap.
那就从简单的开始吧
Then start with low-hanging fruit.
没错,我跟小甜心早期就是这样
Yeah, that's what me and sunshine did.
我们会在法♥院♥、医院外埋伏
We used to stake out courthouses, hospitals.
超无聊的,但这样最容易达成配额
Total bummer, but easiest way to meet your quota.
不好意思,我的配额?
E-Excuse me, my quota?
每次恶魔循环中 你最少需要收集到的灵魂数量
The minimum number of souls you must collect per demonic cycle.
我们会把细节传真给你
We'll fax you the details.
但因为我是你的直属主管 三分之一会归我
But a third will get credited to me, as your supervisor.
我的三分之一也要上缴 你下线的三分之一也会归你
Just like I kick up a third to mine, and whoever you sign will kick up to you.
一桶金在搞金字塔式骗局
Pot o' gold is a pyramid scheme?
我们偏好“多层次传销”这个说法
We prefer "multilevel marketing."
成交的关键在于
And the key to closing any deal
了解招募对象的入会动机
is to understand your recruit's motives.
追求名声、财富或...
Fame and fortune or...
永保青春美丽
Eternal youth and good looks.
但最容易上钩的动机是爱
But the best motive is love.
爱? - 通往地狱的捷径
Love? - Fastest path to hell.
出♥卖♥♥♥灵魂来帮助你爱的人
Selling your soul to help someone you love.
我知道我说过 我会假装相信你说的一切,但...
Look, I know that I said I would pretend to believe whatever, but...
没关系,我完全理解
It's cool. It's cool. I totally get it. Listen.
我之前也觉得对方在胡说八道
When I was sitting where you are, I thought it was a load of bollocks, too.
但换个角度想
But look at it this way.
如果是胡说八道 你儿子的病情也不会变糟吧?
If it is bollocks, your son's no worse off, right?
可是,如果是真的
But... if it's real
也许你可以看著他成家
maybe you're dancing at Benji's wedding
不是在他满周岁前埋了他
instead of burying him before his first birthday.
在格子里盖拇指印
Thumbprint in the box.
天啊
Jesus.
盖在格子里
In the box.
然后呢?
So what now?
这部传真机留给你 之后把招募到的人选传回公♥司♥
You'll keep this fax machine and you'll fax in your collections as you go.
现在是怎么样?
What is happening?
对了 因为你现在能看透阴阳交界 镜像可能会有点迷幻
Yeah. Reflections are gonna be trippy now you can see beyond the veil.
但你会习惯的
But you'll get used to it.
(现在)
“阿班,拜托!” -“不要!”
"Benji, please." - "No, help me."
“天啊,不要!”
"My god!"
贴完标签就去换衣服
When you finish with the labeling, go get changed.
阿姨会来接你
Your auntie will be here soon to pick you up.
我一定要去吗? 阿班草津
Do I have to? - Benji kusatsu,
你阿嬷想看你
your tutu is counting on you.
我每个星期都读同一本书 给她和她朋友听
I read her and her friends the same book every week,
他们根本不记得
and they don't even remember.
但她爱你
But she loves you,
见到你她会很开心 这是件好事
and she loves that you're there and it's the kind thing to do.
妈 - 我们的家训是什么?
Mom... - Hey. What do we say?
“走上爱之道,不受魔王侵扰”
"Love is the way, keep the devil at bay." - Words to live by.
生活准则 - 曼尼的妈妈说你是宗教狂
Manny's mom says you're a religious kook.
Well,
曼尼的妈妈可以当著我的面说
Manny's mom can come and say that to my face.
是谁?
Who is it?
就...我同事
It's, someone I work with.
把这盘做好
So, finish up the batch,
每烤好一盘可以吃一片
and reme... one cookie per batch you bake.
妈,你规矩真多
You have too many rules, mom.
完成后去换衣服
Hey.Finish up, get dressed.
别站在我家门口
Get off my porch. - Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
别激动
Easy, easy, now.
我只是在看...
I-I'm just admiring your
他叫阿班,是吗?
Benji, is it?
他长得真快
Looks like he's growing up fast.
我叫你别打给我,你就跑来我家?
I tell you not to call me, so you show up at my home?
你得看看这个
You need to see this.
记得我说过的献祭吗?
Remember those sacrifices that I told you about?
我找到规律了
There's a pattern.
那就打专线啊 1900专线每分钟费率十元耶
Then call the hotline.A 1-900 number charging ten bucks a minute?
我才不花这个钱
No, I don't think so.
不然你觉得呢?那里是地狱 - 好,听我说
What do you expect? It's hell.
我看到你以前的群众募资网站
Okay, look, I saw your old crowd fund site
还有你儿子奇迹康复的文章
and the articles about your son's... "Miracle."
地狱就是这样招募你的吧?
That's how they got you, right?