爱上朋友妈（2015）

搞什么啊 老妈
Why, why, why, Mom?
哦 我的天哪 内特
Oh! Oh, my God, Nate!
天哪 今天是洗衣日
God, it's laundry day.
雷打不动的每周三
Every Wednesday for my whole life.
好吧 我完全忘记了 我马上就回来
Okay, I totally forgot. Back in a flash.
就不能选个好听点的词吗
It's probably not a good choice of words.
如果你在忙 你可以给我打个电♥话♥
If you're busy, you could have called me
发个短♥信♥ 或者在门把手上挂只袜子什么的警告一下
or texted me or put a sock on the door handle or anything.
别说了 我没在忙
Oh, stop. I wasn't busy.
我和吉米昨晚共进了一顿浪漫美餐
Jimmy and I just had a romantic dinner last night and...
我不需要知道细节
I don't need the details.
好吧 反正他中午之前都醒不过来了
Okay. Well, he's gonna be dead till noon anyway.
还有 我不会错过每周三洗衣日的
Besides, I would never miss Wash and Dry Wednesday with you.
这是我们的大事
It's our thing.
安迪熊怎么了
What happened to Andy Rooney?
我也心疼 我们在看《熊出没》的时候
I know. Jimmy got spaghetti on him
吉米把意大利面洒在他身上了
when we were watching When Bears Attack.
哦 没关系的 我们会把他弄干净的
Aw. It's okay. We'll get him all clean.
-真的吗 -是哒
- You think? - Yeah.
你最近工作怎么样 饭店里发生什么了吗
So how was your workweek? What's going on at...
不好意思
I'm sorry.
估计是昨晚吃的不合胃口
I don't think dinner agreed with me last night.
我们自♥制♥了意式乳酪
We made our own ricotta.
要不就是你怀孕了
Either that or you made a baby.
这东西会不会出错了
Can these things be wrong?
肯定是的
Of course they can.
-是吗 -是的
- Yeah? - Yeah.
这东西也有失误的时候
This isn't error-proof. I mean, it is.
要不然就不会说有误差了
That's why it's called that,
而且这只验孕棒比丁日岁数都大
but this one is older than Justin Bieber,
所以肯定是误报
so it's gotta be a false positive.
我不会怀孕的
I can't be pregnant.
你是说 从生理上讲 你已经不能生了吗
You mean, like, physically you can't?
我要再去做一些检测
I need more pregnancy tests!
宝贝
Baby?
哦
Oh!
哦
Oh.
好了 什么
Okay. What?
内特 这件事只能你知我知
Nate, this has to stay between me and you.
你千万不能告诉吉米
You cannot say anything to Jimmy.
什么 为什么啊
What? Why?
因为在没完全确定之前我还不想告诉
Because I'd like to be sure when I tell
我二十六岁的男朋友他要当爹这件事
my 26-year-old boyfriend he's about to be a father.
我不想让他虚惊一场
I don't want to freak him out over nothing.
你真打算瞒着这件事
You'd actually consider keeping this thing?
嘿 你不是一直都想当哥哥的吗
Hey, you've always wanted to be a big brother.
在这儿呢 亲爱的 吉米
In here, baby! Jimmy!
亲爱的吉米 哦 我的天哪
Baby Jimmy, oh, God.
-别说了 求你了 -我的天
- Stop it. Stop it, please. - Oh, God.
内特 你发誓你会保守秘密
Nate, you have to swear that you won't say anything.
发誓
Swear.
对着安迪熊发誓
Swear on Andy Rooney.
这么大的事情 我没办法瞒着吉米
I can't hide something this big from Jimmy.
他总是能看出来我有所隐瞒
He can always tell when I'm hiding something big.
我根本瞒不过他 所以快把熊还给我
I have a very obvious tell. So give me the bear.
我会把熊头扯下来
I will rip this bear's head off.
好吧 我对着安迪熊发誓 把熊还给我
Fine, I swear on Andy Rooney. Give me the bear.
把熊还给我
Give me the bear.
-嘿 哥们 -嘿
- Hey, buddy! - Hey.
你在这干嘛呢
What are you doing here?
哦 我只是在
Oh, yeah, just...
嗯 在洗衣服
Just, uh, laundry.
-杰克·尼科尔森式挑眉 -不是
- Jack Nicholson eyebrow? - No.
你是不是有什么事情瞒着我
What aren't you telling me?
没有
Nothing.
我得走了 嗯
I have to go. Uh...
把熊还给我 把熊还给我
Give me the bear. Give me the bear.
走开 走开
Walk away. Walk away.
嗯 我得走了
Uh, I'm gonna go.
他到底有什么事情瞒着我
What is he hiding from me?
我不清楚
I have no idea.
好了 哥们 到底怎么回事
Okay, buddy, what's going on?
别把朋友蒙在鼓里
Friends don't keep friends in the dark.
把真♥相♥蜡烛点亮
Light the candle of truth.
吉米 我没什么好坦白的
Jimmy, there's no truth to tell.
好吧 你不点 我来
Fine, if you won't light it, I will.
哦 拜托
Oh, come on.
这么愚蠢的东西
What, that stupid thing?
真的没有必要
It's totally unnecessary.
嗯 我闻到了诚实的味道
Mm, it smells like honesty.
不 明明是清新的亚麻味道
No, it smells like fresh linen.
你当初选的 因为它能让你镇静下来
Which you picked because it calms you.
所以你就沉浸在这香气中释放你的负担吧
So just wrap yourself up in the scent and let it set you free.
吉米 我得去上班了
Jimmy, I have to go to work.
嘿 拜托 我都把我和你♥妈♥的♥事情告诉你了
Hey, come on, I told you the truth about me and your mother.
不 你才没有 是我走进家门看见你裸着
No, you didn't. I walked in on you naked.
还睁眼说着瞎话
You lied to my face.
我现在很清楚被欺骗的感觉了
And now I know exactly how that feels.
我没有 也许你也应该脱♥光♥光
No, I don't. Maybe you should get naked.
你在开玩笑吗
Are you kidding me?
不 我在试着治愈你
No, I'm trying to help you to heal.
我不想要治愈 我也不想脱♥光♥光
I don't want to heal. I don't want to get naked.
我只想敞着撕裂的伤口去上班
I just want to go to work with my open wounds.
但是我可以帮你缝合
But I can help you close them.
不 你不能
No, you can't.
我不想再谈论这件事
I don't want to talk about this
因为根本没什么好说的
because there's nothing to talk about.
你该知道你的头带也随着你皱眉在动
You know the headband totally moves with your eyebrows.
老妈 我做不到 我没办法对他撒谎
Mom, I can't do this. I can't lie to him.
不 你没有撒谎 你再等等
No, you're not lying. You are lying in wait.
等到明天就好了
And it's only until tomorrow.
明天 为什么是明天
Tomorrow? Why tomorrow?
因为我明天要去见妇科医生
Because I'm seeing my OB-GYN,
到那时候我就知道我是该向吉米坦白
and then I'll know if I should tell Jimmy
还是去喝一杯玛格丽特然后做好避孕
or if I can go have a margarita and get back on birth control.
你之前都没有做好避孕吗
You're not on birth control?
没 我以为我不需要呢
No, I didn't think I needed it.
我和你♥爸♥生了你以后试了很多年
You know, your father and I tried for years to get pregnant
都没有怀孕
after we had you.
你和我说我最完美了 你只要我一个孩子就好了
You said I was perfect, so you only needed one.
哦 天哪 等等 验孕棒结果怎么样
Oh, God. Wait, what happened with the take-home tests?
嗯 他们是阳性的
Well, they were positive.
或者是阴性的 就看你怎么想了
Or negative. Depending on your point of view.
你做了多少个了
How many did you take?
没几个
A few.
什么
What?
我告诉过你不要再来这儿了
I told you not to come in here!
回我自己家都不行
To my own home?
这儿已经不再是你的家了
This isn't your home anymore.
当然是 要不然门牌上写着谎话啊
Sure, it is, or that sign is a lie.
而且 我是带着礼物来的
Besides, I come bearing gifts.
我唯一想从你那儿要的
The only thing I want from you
就是你签好的离婚协议书
are signed copies of our divorce papers.
我知道你想要什么 因为我现在
I hear your request, and being that it's not
不太想签协议
in my best interest to sign those papers,
我给你点别的
I'd like to offer you a counter.
这是我的钥匙
These are my house keys
作为一种善意的表示
as a gesture of goodwill.
这里将永远是我的家
This will always be my home,
但我现在尊重你的意愿 这里就是你的房♥子了
but I respect that it is your house now.