爱上朋友妈（2015）

事先说明 只此一次哦
Just so you know, this can only happen once.
当然 就这一次
Right. One time thing.
额 是你自己解开还是我帮你解
Um... Should you unhook that or should I?
我屁♥股♥下面有个小人
There's a little man in my butt.
哦 不好意思
Oh, sorry.
别管那个 他明天就要回来了
No, he's gonna be home tomorrow.
这必须是最后一次了
This has to be the last time.
我们上次就是这么说的
That's what we said last time.
哇
Wow.
十六小时都没来过一次了
16 hours and this never happened.
内特 你回来啦 好早啊
Nate, you're home. Early.
而你用我的马克杯藏你的丁丁
And you're snug as a bug in my mug.
我喜欢那个马克杯 那是我上三年级的时候做的
I love that mug. I made it in third grade.
这工艺真是完美
The craftsmanship is flawless.
现在它是你的了
And now it's yours.
别嘛 我会洗的
Come on, I can wash it.
额 谢了 但是任何放过你丁丁的东西
Ah, thanks, but anything you put your penis in
都是你的了
belongs to you.
你怎么回来得这么早 小寿星
So why you home so early, birthday boy?
我想找时间把我的
I wanted time to hang
“明日星店主”牌子挂起来
my Restaurateur of Tomorrow plaque.
我还要买♥♥些生日穿的裤子
I'm gonna buy some birthday jeans
然后在我生日惊喜派对之前好好检查一下餐厅
and then check on the restaurant before my surprise party.
这主意真的棒极了 因为整个餐厅
That is a fantastic idea, 'cause the whole place
自你走后都支离破碎了
has just been falling apart since you been gone.
事实上呢 你也许应该现在就去看看
In fact, you should probably head over there right now.
那儿说不定有场大火
There could be a fire.
我的意思是 谁知道呢 你也不知道啊
I mean, who knows? You don't.
好吧 哎哟喂
All right. Well, well, well.
看看我找到了什么
What do we have here?
难不成房♥间里有妹子
Is there a lady in the house?
额 啧 没有
Uh, pfft, No.
-早上就 -什么
- In the morning? - What?
-一大早就 -没有 没有
- In the morning? - No. No.
真的吗
Really?
因为埃文·蕾切尔·伍德都不相信你
Because Evan Rachel Wood disagrees with you.
好吧 没错 是有个妹子在这儿
Okay, fine, there is a lady here,
所以你最好能从后门偷偷溜走
which is why it would be great if you could just sneak
她走出来就不用害羞了
out the back door so she can walk without shame.
你从什么时候在乎她害不害羞
Since when do you care if she--
哦 我的天哪 你在乎
Oh, my God. You care.
好吧 好吧 我会走的 但我要把这个拿走
Okay, okay, I'll go, but I'm taking this.
-嘿 给我那个 -哦 你走开 走开
- Hey, give me that! - Oh, get off me, get off me!
你必须要向我保证别再在我的
You have to promise to stop having sex
簇绒皮革沙发上爱爱
on my tufted leather couch.
好的 我会擦掉的
Okay, I'll wipe it.
不行 那还不够
No, that's not enough.
这次你必须给它消毒
You have to disinfect it this time,
因为洒上去的醋
because the vinegar spray
让它闻起来就像沙拉酱一样
just makes it smell like salad dressing.
好 没问题 赶紧走
Okay, great. Just get out of here.
好吧 别急嘛
Okay, calm down.
这妹子是谁
Who is this girl?
嗨 吉米 我们还有时间
Hey, Jimmy, do we have time
在内特回家前再滚次床单
for one more round before Nate gets home--
哦 我的天哪
Oh, my God!
求别说这是我妈
Please tell me that wasn't my mother.
哦 亲爱的 太对不起了
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
太太对不起了 伙计
I-I'm so sorry, buddy.
内特 别喷了 这可不健康
Nate, stop spraying that. It is not healthy.
这事儿哪里健康了
Nothing about this is healthy.
好吧 把瓶子放下来吧 伙计
Okay, just put the can down, buddy.
你给我走开
You get away from me.
还有你 穿点正经的衣服
And you, put on some real clothes.
我过来的时候穿的就是这件 所以
This is all I wore over here, so--
真的吗 那你在家看《毕业生》的时候是不是在想
Really? Were you at home watching The Graduate thinking,
哦 这看起来挺有趣 我有件风衣
"Well, that seems fun. I have a raincoat.
我就去诱惑内特最好的朋友吧
I'll seduce Nate's best friend."
不 没有 不是那样 我们可以解释
No, no! No, we can explain.
那你倒是解释给我听啊
I dare you to explain.
好吧
Okay.
嗯
Yep.
额 好 听着 伙计
Um, okay, listen, buddy.
你妈妈和我
Your mother and I--
停 别说什么“你妈妈和我”
Whoa, never say, "Your mother and I."
不是的 亲爱的 吉米只是想说
No, honey, what Jimmy is trying to say--
别 你别给他打掩护
Uh-uh! Don't you speak for him.
哦 别这样 亲
Oh, come on, buddy.
你这么多规矩让我
All these rules are making it really hard
很难和你沟通啊
to communicate with you.
我才不想和你沟通
I don't want to communicate with you.
你玷污了我妈妈
You defiled my mother.
不 不是的 亲爱的 我们只是小小的爱爱了一下
No. No, honey. It was just a little sex.
-绝对不会再发生了 -这不代表什么
- It'll never happen again. - It didn't mean anything.
-什么都不是 -这根本不是事儿
- Nothing. - Not a thing.
你觉得你这样对待我妈妈
Do you think the fact that you treated my mother
就像对待你后宫中的一员合适吗
like one of your bar groupies makes it better?
还有你 你觉得和你儿子最好的朋友翻云覆雨
And--and do you think having sex with your son's best friend
是可以令人接受的行为吗
is acceptable behavior?
到底是什么破玩意一直硌我的屁♥股♥
And what the hell keeps poking me in the butt?
千万要说这是你们用来做沙拉的
Please tell me you were making a salad.
-华尔道夫沙拉 -考伯沙拉
- Waldorf. - Cobb.
啊
Ugh!
华尔道夫沙拉里根本没有黄瓜
Waldorf doesn't have cucumbers.
把沙发烧了吧
Burn the couch.
我真不敢相信我居然这么做
I can't believe I did this.
我真是个糟糕的母亲
I'm a terrible mother.
不 我才是个差劲的朋友
No, I'm a terrible best friend.
你是个很棒的母亲
You're an amazing mother.
我的意思是说 我很清楚 几乎是你抚养我长大的
I mean, I should know. You practically raised me.
好吧 这也太诡异了
Okay, that's a little creepy.
嗯 我也觉得
Yeah, I felt that.
好吧 这一切肯定有一个合乎逻辑的解释
Okay, there's a logical explanation to all this,
我得弄清楚到底是什么
and I'm gonna figure out what it is.
我要去和内特谈谈 然后
I'm gonna go talk to Nate, and--
这些裤子你真的穿的进吗
Do these jeans actually fit you?
哦 也许我们应该慢慢去解决这件事
Oh, maybe we should just slow things down,
喝上几杯什么的
have a couple of pints of What Ales Ya,
然后坐等理智的行为来找我们
and let the right thing to do just come to us.
你的啤酒橱柜现在可帮不了我们
Your closet brews can't help us now.
事实上 我是用圣约翰的麦芽汁和银杏酿的酒
Actually, I brew with St. John's wort and ginkgo biloba
为冷静和清楚干杯
for calm and clarity.
我们没空喝酒顿悟
We don't have time for a beer epiphany.
内特不善于处理难以接受的事实
Nate does well with cold, hard facts,
他介怀这件事时间越长
and the longer he sits with this,
这件事在他脑子里就会变的越糟
the worse he's gonna make it in his head.
你说的没错 我和你一起去
You're right. I'm coming with you.
我们一起铺床单... 这比喻可能不是很恰当
We made our bed--and that is not the right analogy,
但是我们会一起面对这件事
but we're in this together.
真贴心 但是内特最不想的
That's so sweet, but the last thing in the world
就是看到我们一起出现
that Nate needs is to see the two of us together.
寿星要来了
Captain on the bridge.
-生日快乐 -这是什么
- Happy birthday - What is this?
是谁觉得小牛肉和牛肉一起很配的
Who thought it was a good idea to put veal and beef together?
这完全不相配
It's totally inappropriate.
但这也是我们制♥作♥肉丸的方法
It's also totally how we make meatballs.
我们一直都这么做的啊
We've always done that.
哦是吗 那么 我现在才发现这有多恶心
Yeah, well, I just realized how creepy that is.
这简直反♥人♥类♥ 现在 都听好了
It's against nature. Now, hear this!
从现在起 小牛肉最好
From now on, the veal better keep