天堂镇警局（2018）

Shut up, Randall!
凯文 阴♥道♥分为几个部分
Kevin, the vagina has different parts.
三个部分 凯文
Three parts, Kevin
阴♥唇♥ 胸腔和牙齿
the labia, the thorax and the teeth.
你们两个给我闭嘴 我自己搞定
You two shut up. I got this.
什么都没有绝妙的交谈更性感
Nothing's more sensual than sparkling conversation.
我要说说为什么《我的英雄学院》
Now here's why My Hero Academia is one of the better anime
是日本新时代文艺复兴最好的动画
in Japan's new renaissance. It--
好干
So dry!
原来女性高♥潮♥是这样的
So that's what a female orgasm looks like!
凯文！真的是你吗？
Kevin! Is it really you?
是我 费兹
It is, Fitz.
我是来带你回家的
I'm here to bring you home.
我们快离开这鬼地方吧
Well, let's get the hell out of here.
（逼逼乐园入口）
怎么回事？
What is that?
他发现我们了
He found us.
你从逼逼监狱里跑出来干什么？
What are you doing out of pussy prison?
我变得更强了
I've gotten stronger.
要不就不把你送回监狱
Maybe instead of sending you back to prison,
我直接灭了你吧
I'll just destroy you!
你在精彩时刻换了台
You changed the channel right at the best part!
太吓人了嘛
It was getting too scary.
这是什么？
What is this?
什么都没有 肯定是凯文的脑子
Well, it's completely empty. Must be Kevin's brain.
可以看看有关我们的所有美好记忆
Ooh! Maybe we'll get to see all the great memories he has of us.
来吧 凯文 给爸爸看看你的记忆
Come on, Kevin. Show Daddy a memory.
我们必须离婚
Well, our divorce is final.
凯伦 我们到底怎么回事？
Oh, Karen, what happened to us?
亲爱的 天下没有不散的筵席
Hun, people grow apart.
开玩笑的 我们都很清楚这是凯文的错
Ha! Just kidding. We both know it's Kevin's fault.
是啊 嘿 趁现在给他取个中间名吧
Yeah. Hey, maybe I can finally give him a middle name.
凯文 “我不该射在里面” 克劳福德
Kevin "I Shoulda Pulled Out" Crawford.
或者凯文 “早知道我就咽下去了” 克劳福德
Or, Kevin "I Wish I'd Swallowed Him" Crawford.
是啊 凯伦 早知道我就咽下去了
Yeah, Karen, I wish I'd swallowed him.
毕竟我吞了他的大多数兄弟
After all, I did swallow most of his brothers.
凯文 真是个废物
Kevin, what a loser.
监护权怎么办？你要一直带着他吗？
How do you want to do custody? You take him all the time?
这件事我们法庭上解决
I'll see you in court about that!
我知道我裤子劈的时候你在笑
I know you were laughing when I split my pants!
别想说只是放屁来糊弄我
Don't you try to tell me it was just gas.
你就把恶魔的屌♥当奶嘴好好吮吸吧
You can have fun using Satan's peter as a pacifier,
你这没牙的小秃驴
you toothless, little bald fuck.
再见
Bye!
好了 够了
All right. Okay.
我直说了吧
Let me get this straight.
这个镇上每一个人 都在某一时刻
Every single person in this town has, at some point,
嘲笑过你裤子劈了
laughed at you for splitting your pants?
是的 所有人 但是除了你 子弹
Yeah, everyone... except you, Bullet.
走吧 我们进避难所 起码我们很安全
So come on, let's get in the bomb shelter. At least we gon' be safe.
哎呀 钥匙掉了
Oopsie. Dropped the key.
裤子劈了
Argh, I split my pants!
一只鸟飞进了我的屁♥股♥
A bird flew into my ass! He's inside of there,
他在里面疯狂搅动我的屁♥眼♥
scratching the living shit outta my B-hole!
现在里面有两只鸟了
Now there's two birds in my ass!
他们不是在里面打架就是在做♥爱♥
Ooh! They're either fighting or fucking in there!
快滚出去 臭鸟
Get outta there, you birds!
或许骑这辆小三轮车可以闷死他们
Maybe I can smother them on this tiny tricycle.
我他妈是怎么回事？
Why the fuck is this happening to me?
还有你吗 狗崽子？
Et tu, Bullé?
费兹！回击
Fitz! Fight back!
他太强了
He's too strong!
他就像这里的上帝
He's like God here.
这是你的脑子 费兹
This is your brain, Fitz.
你才是这里的上帝
You are God here!
费兹杰罗警官还挺有劲儿
Ah! Officer Fitzgerald still has some fight left.
看来你忘了
I guess you've forgotten
被你害死的十二个人
about the 12 people who you got killed!
（芝加哥事件愧疚感）
不
No!
你不能一直心怀愧疚 费兹
You can't carry this guilt, Fitz.
这样下去 你永远无法战胜首脑
You'll never defeat the Kingpin if you do.
但他们因我而死
But they died because of me.
等一下
Wait a minute.
这些都是照片墙的网红
These are all Instagram influencers.
看
And look!
这是罗根和杰克保罗的第三个弟弟 查兹保罗
This is Logan and Jake Paul's third brother, Chaz Paul.
他是最差劲的
He was the worst one.
费兹 我敢说 你帮了全世界一个大忙
Fitz, dare I say, you did the world a favor.
你们好啊 渣滓们 这个人的脑子里真是太赞了 兄弟们
What up, Chaz-holes. The inside of this brain is lit, fam.
快给我疯狂点赞 我就说那个禁词
Smash that "like" button and I'll say the n-word.
我♥操♥ 没错 我帮了全世界一个大忙
Holy shit. I did do the world a favor.
我是这里的上帝
I am God here!
哇哦 费兹
Wow, Fitz.
你本可以直接杀了他 却让他得到了女性高♥潮♥
You could have just killed him, but you gave him a female orgasm.
老费兹回来了
Ah, Fitz is back!
你们想先听什么？ 费兹节奏还是短笛演奏？
What you all want first? A Fitz bit or a piccolo song?
我们要在5分钟内把你送到小镇广场 否则我们都会死
We've got five minutes to get you to Town Square or we're all dead!
完美
Oh, perfect.
这首歌♥只要三分半钟
This song is only three-and-a-half minutes.
现在让另一个家伙回来还来得及吗？
Is it too late to get the other guy back?
（天堂镇欢迎您）
到了
Here it is.
（访问拒绝）
没错 我把这功能废了
Yeah, I disabled that shit.
如果你们看到这条消息 我想我被打败了
If you're seeing this, I guess you defeated me,
但是首脑会笑到最后
but the Kingpin is getting the last laugh.
我们全都会死
We're all gonna die.
对不起 我们做父母的这么不称职
I'm so sorry we were shitty parents.
没事
It's okay.
我还是很爱你们
I love you anyway.
凯文 过来
Kevin, here.
我一直带着你的出生证明
I always carry a copy of your birth certificate,
以防我要偷用你的身份逃到泰国
just in case I need to steal your identity and fuck my way through Thailand.
我想现在是时候给你取中间名了
I think it's finally time to give you a middle name,
沿用我爷爷的名字 茵茂沙拉
after my grandfather, Pubesalad.
多谢了 爸爸
Aw, thanks, Dad.
等等 “阴毛沙拉”？
Wait. "Pube Salad?"
我的名字叫凯文阴毛沙拉克劳福德？
My name is Kevin Pube Salad Crawford?
我能不能不要中间名？
Can I just go back to having no middle name?
不行 阴毛沙拉
No, you can't, Pube Salad.
多比
Dobby, Dobby.
多比
Dobby!
哦 见到你我好高兴 小家伙
Oh, it's great to see you, buddy!
只可惜我们快要死了
Too bad we're all gonna die.
要是我们能飞到高空
If only we had some way to fly up there
让核弹偏离轨迹就好了
and knock that nuke off course.
爸 那不是你以前的警用直升机吗？
Dad, isn't that your old police chopper?
说不定能行
That just might work.
对于飞行员来说 这是自杀行动
It'd be a suicide mission for the pilot,
但是能拯救其他所有人
but it'd save everybody else.
我一直是个假英雄
I started out as a fake hero,
但我想以真英雄的身份牺牲
but I want to die as a real hero.
我去
I'll go.
凯文 我从未感到如此骄傲…
Kevin, I have never been prouder of--
多比
Dobby!
看！他像真英雄一样
Look! He's doing it like a real hero!
多比
Dobby! Dobby!
多比最棒！凯文最烂！快喊啊 各位
Dobby rules! Kevin sucks! Come on, everybody.
多比最棒！凯文最烂
Dobby rules! Kevin sucks!
多比最棒！凯文最烂
Dobby rules! Kevin sucks!
哦 多比
Oh, Dobby.
太棒啦！我就知道你能办到