天堂镇警局（2018）

（天堂镇市政厅）
生活真操蛋
Fuck my life.
我白♥痴♥儿子让我未婚夫被联邦调查局逮捕了
My idiot son got my fiancé arrested by the FBI,
我三天后就要参加选举了 我在民♥意♥
I've got an election in three days and I'm getting beaten in the polls
测验中被一个名叫迪兹努特的海选候选人击败了
by a write-in joke candidate called Deeznuts.
人们喜欢迪兹努特
People love Deeznuts.
胖子 老人 年轻人
Fat men, old men, young men,
无家可归的人需要现金 他们都喜欢迪兹努特
homeless men who need cash, they all love Deeznuts.
我们还在谈论选举吗？
Are we still talking about the election?
没有 但我们该谈论
No, but we should.
如果你想赢 你需要关注
If you want to win, you need to focus on an issue
这个城镇真正关心的问题
that this town really cares about.
家庭价值观、学校安全、
Family values, school safety,
创造就业机会
job creation.
很难找出每个天堂公民都
It's hard to identify the single issue
关心的问题
that every citizen of Paradise cares about.
但是我想我找到了
But I think I found it.
我要让冰♥毒♥合法化
I'm legalizing meth!
人们喜欢合法的冰♥毒♥
People love legal meth.
看看新冰♥毒♥麦当劳外面排的那个长队
Look at the line outside the new MethDonald's.
（冰♥毒♥麦当劳吸毒过量致死人数超过10亿了！）
你甚至可以带你的孩子去见罗纳德冰♥毒♥麦当劳
You can even bring your kids to meet Ronald MethDonald.
所以大家记住 投票给酷酷的市长凯伦克劳福德
So remember, re-elect cool mayor Karen Crawford.
我是有史以来最好的市长吗？
Am I the best mayor ever?
我不知道 你先吸个毒吧
I don't know, you do the meth!
凯伦疯了吗？
Has Karen lost her damn mind?
冰♥毒♥麦当劳？
"MethDonalds"?
如果我们不做点什么 她会让我们破产的
If we don't do something, she's going to put us out of business.
振作起来 老板 冰♥毒♥麦当劳没那么糟
Cheer up, boss! MethDonald's ain't so bad.
我在那认识了一些新朋友
I met some new friends down there.
认识一下格里姆斯、玛士芝市长、
Meet Grimeth, Mayor MethCheese,
高层和先锋
the high guys, and the Vanburglar.
我真的需要一些冰♥毒♥块 伙计
Ohh, I really need some MethNuggets, man.
来吧 我可以吸你的老二
Come on, I'll... suck your dick.
我去拿外套
I'll get my coat.
爸爸 很抱歉我让你被捕了
Dad, I'm sorry I got you arrested.
但至少你没进监狱 克拉珀只是让你在家软禁
But at least you're not in prison. Clappers just put you on house arrest.
不 他把我关在毒品屋里
No, he put me on crackhouse arrest.
欢迎来到我们简陋的盥洗室
Welcome to our humble commode!
我们有中♥央♥冷气
We got central air,
我们有中♥央♥暖气
we got central heat,
我们还有阴虱
and we got pubic lice.
你好
♪ Hello, hello, hello! ♪
-只有你有 罗比 -是的 只有我有
That's just you, Robby. -Yeah, that's just me.
我给你带了这幅我小时候画的画
I brought you this drawing I made of us when I was a kid.
看到了吗 爸爸？感觉已经更像家了
See, Dad? Feeling more like home already.
坐下 帕布罗毕加索 我要告诉你一些重要的事情
Sit down, Pablo Picasshole. I need to tell you something important.
我发现了谁是首脑 是费兹
I found out who the Kingpin is. It's Fitz!
你说的不对 爸爸
That's not true, Dad.
克拉珀探员告诉我 他已经洗脱了罪名
Agent Clappers told me he already cleared his name,
-我相信他 -叛徒
and I believe him. -Betrayer!
滚出去 你对我来说已经死了
Get the hell out! You're dead to me!
你不是那个意思 我小的时候把精♥液♥果汁溅到
You don't mean that. You said the same thing when I was a kid
你的《皮条客》杂♥志♥上的时候 你也说过同样的话
and splashed Juicy Juice on your Hustler magazine.
哦 但这次我是认真的
Oh, but I'm serious this time.
我告诉过你不要叫你的精♥液♥“果汁”
And I told you to stop calling your jizz "Juicy Juice"!
像个男人一样叫它“黏物”
Call it "sticky-sticky goo-goo," like a man!
滚出去
Get the hell out!
终于 我可以享受平静和安宁
Finally, some peace and quiet.
多比
Dobby, Dobby.
-那他妈的是什么？ -哦 那是我们的儿子多比
What the fuck is that? -Oh, that's our son, Dobby.
你和他要共享这个
You and him will be sharing this.
哦 不 我不会跟那家伙一起睡在尿湿的床垫上
Oh no! I'm not sleeping on a piss-soaked mattress with that thing!
哦 那不是睡觉 那只是晚餐
Oh, that ain't to sleep on. That's your supper.
那是你睡觉的地方
That's where you sleep.
（天堂镇市政厅）
天堂镇的公民
Citizens of Paradise,
现在谁在这里吸食合法的冰♥毒♥？
who's smoking legal meth right here, right now?
冰♥毒♥市长
Meth mayor!
谢谢你 我感谢你的支持
Thank you. I appreciate your support.
现在你可以停止投票给迪兹努特这样的笑话了
Now you can stop writing in a joke candidate like Deeznuts.
我不是玩笑海选候选人
I am not a joke write-in candidate.
我是迪兹努特博士 李♥康♥迪兹努特博士
I am Dr. Deeznuts. Dr. Lickon Deeznuts.
你为什么笑？ 我拥有哈佛大学的法学学位
Why are you laughing? I hold a law degree from Harvard!
我是成功匈牙利移♥民♥的骄傲儿子
I am the proud son of successful Hungarian immigrants!
加格尔迪兹努特和尼伯伦迪兹努特
Gargle Deeznuts and Niblon Deeznuts.
这是什么？ 人们一生都在嘲笑迪兹努特
What's this? People have been laughing at Deeznuts my entire life!
我再也受不了了
I can't take it anymore!
再见 残酷的世界
Goodbye, cruel world!
竞选结束了
There goes the competition.
我想我现在要做我赤♥裸♥上身的胜利演讲了 喔
I guess I'll do my topless victory speech now.
别急着解开胸罩
Lock down those floppies!
我是杰拉尔德费兹杰罗
I'm Gerald Fitzgerald,
-我要竞选市长！ -什么？
and I'm running for mayor! -What?
如果我赢 我发誓要揭露首脑
And when I win, I vow to expose the Kingpin.
你们不必投票给女人
And you won't have to vote for a woman.
是的 谁需要女人？
Yeah! Who needs women?
把她关起来
Lock her up! Lock her--
不要碰我
Don't touch me!
（天堂镇窥探者）
凯文 自从费兹参加竞选后
Kevin, since Fitz entered the race,
我需要一个警♥察♥站我这边来证明我对犯罪严厉打击
I need a cop on my side to show I'm tough on crime.
你可以做我的新闻秘书
You can be my press secretary.
我不知道 妈妈
I don't know, Mom.
我觉得我不能为你的所作所为辩护
I don't think I can defend what you're doing.
你必须这么做 凯文 你欠我的
You have to do this, Kevin. You owe me!
在我要求剖腹产之前
I carried you for six long months
我怀了你六个月 并且每周都去新生儿看护中心看你一次
before I demanded a C-section and visited you once a week in the NICU!
好吧 我来做
Fine! I'll do it!
等等 六个月？
Wait. Six months?
这就是我有半透明眼睑的原因吗？
Is that why I have translucent eyelids?
没错 我的小捉迷藏冠军
That's right, my little hide-and-seek champion.
（天堂镇警♥察♥局）
啊 我太无聊了
I'm so bored!
我知道 既然冰♥毒♥合法 现在就没有人可以逮捕了
I know. There's no one to bust now since meth is legal.
你想玩棋盘游戏吗？
You wanna play some board games?
你喜欢什么？
What's your fancy?
饥饿的假阳♥具♥ 勃起四
Hungry Hungry Dildos, Erect Four,
还是对尸体吊茶包？
or Tea-Bag The Corpse?
这游戏怎么会是给五岁及以上儿童的？
How is that game for ages five and up?
有窒息危险
Choking hazard.
天啊 这个镇现在糟透了！ 我讨厌合法的冰♥毒♥
God, this town sucks now! I hate legal meth!
嘿 这只是你自己的看法
Hey, speak for yourself.
嘿 哇 慢点 子弹
Hey, whoa, slow down there, Bullet.
我会没事的
I'll be fine.
是的 冰♥毒♥麦当劳不会比麦当劳更不健康了
Yeah, MethDonald's can't be any more unhealthy than McDonald's.
我坚持我的声明
I stand by my statement.
糟糕 我死了？
Oh, shit. I'm dead?
（万达林）
欢迎来到地狱
Welcome to Hell!
为永恒的痛苦做准备
Prepare for an eternity of suffering.
咬牙切齿…
There shall be gnashing of teeth and--
这是什么？
What the here?
我们给你注射了一支冰♥毒♥笔
We injected you with a Meth-E pen.
他们把吸毒过量的人救回来
They bring people back who OD.
-这是你的冰♥毒♥餐里的玩具 -感谢上帝里面有这个 什么？
It was the toy in your Tweaky Meal. -Thank God that was in there. What?
我们本可以换一个碧琪小马玩具的？
We could've got a Pinkie Pie Pony toy instead?
那比子弹的狗屁生命好多了
Well, that's way better than Bullet's bullshit life!
多比
Dobby! Dobby!
谢谢你自愿为我们照看多比
Thanks for volunteering to babysit Dobby for us.
什么 我没有自愿做什么！ 你什么时候回来？
What? I didn't volunteer for shit! When will you be back?
哈 他觉得我们会回来的 罗比
Huh, he thinks we're coming back, Robby.
是啊 真有趣
Yeah, that's funny.