天堂镇警局（2018）

（天堂镇动物园）
（凯文倒霉日）
好吧 凯文 坏消息是 你在动物园
Okay, Kevin. Bad news: You're at the zoo.
好消息是 你所要做的
Good news: All you have to do
就是远离猴子
is stay far away from the monkeys.
为了确保这一点…
And just to make sure of that...
好主意 凯文
Good thinking, Kevin.
下一个也是唯一一个站点：猴子区
The next and only stop: The monkeys!
该死
Damn it!
嘿 我明白了 为了生存 你做了你必须做的事
H-hey, I get it. You did what you had to do to survive.
我为了生存吃掉了我的第一个猫朋友
I ate the first of my cat friends for survival.
吃到第四只时 我开始享受
By number four, I started to enjoy it.
第十一只 它们开始给我力量
At number 11, they started to give me power.
上帝般的力量
God-like power!
哦 是的 那太好了
Oh, yeah, that's great.
嘿 在我离开这里的时候 你为什么不吃点珍喜猫干粮？
Have some of this Fancy Feast while I get the fuck out of here!
米奥吉先生只喜欢猫肉
Mr. Meowgi only craves cat flesh.
我需要更多
And I need more! More!
你会帮我拿来的
And you're going to get it for me.
嘿 得走了
Hey, gotta go.
猫中的蕾蓓尔威尔森 那就是你的样子
Rebel Wilson in Cats. That's who you look like!
我被十三只猫科动物的力量所感染
I've been imbued with the power of 13 felines.
你要给我送猫肉
You will deliver my cat flesh
否则我有可能会发展一下对狗肉的兴趣
or I may develop a taste for dog!
好吧 我确实认识一只猫
Okay. I do know one cat.
喂 是谁？
Hello? Who this?
嘿 须须小姐 我要见你
Hey, Miss Whiskers. I, uh, I need to see you.
哦 嗨 子弹 这是临时约炮电♥话♥吗？
Oh, hi, Bullet. Is this a booty call?
当然 随便吧
Sure, whatever, yeah.
是啊 我非常想要那个长满疥癣的屁♥股♥
I want that mangy, bug-infested booty so bad, yeah.
-快过来吧 -好的
Just get over here. -Oh, okay.
好吧 但是如果我去那里 我这只母猫最好能吃到东西
But if I come over there, this pussy better get eat.
[你最好舔我的逼]
行吧 是这个安排
Uh, well, that's the plan.
（欢迎来天堂镇）
如果你不加快速度 我们永远无法阻止犬牙纹冰♥毒♥
We're never gonna stop Houndstooth meth if you don't go faster!
跟我的心脏病专家去说
You're gonna have to talk to my cardiologist.
因为他说如果我走得比散步快 我的身体会爆♥炸♥
He says if I walk faster than a light stroll, my body will explode.
够了 我要叫优步
That's it, I'm calling an Uber.
有人叫优步吗？
Somebody call an Uber?
该死的 我走路好了
God damn this. I'm walking.
（天堂市政厅）
凯伦 我希望在你的帮助下 我能最终扳倒这个首脑
Karen, I hope with your help, I can finally take down this Kingpin.
你似乎很能“干” 我是说…
You seem on the ball. I mean...
怎么还没有抓到他(的阴囊) 我真是蛋疼
It's driving me nuts that we haven't sacked him.
我不想听起来很暴躁[很像睾丸]
Uh, I don't mean to sound testy.
太惊险[多毛]了 足以让你想睾丸
It's all so hairy, enough to make you go nad.
我是说 疯了
I mean, mad!
我是说 我面前的大蛋蛋
I mean, fat balls in my face!
告诉我你知道什么
Well, just tell me what you do know.
嗯 我们在几个地方逮捕了菱形纹冰♥毒♥贩子
Well, we busted argyle meth dealers
分别是这 这 这 这
here, here, here, here and here.
所以要我说 首脑要么在这里运作 要么那儿
So I'd say the Kingpin was operating out of either here or here.
如果我要对
How would you feel about
这两个区域“上手”调查…
a hands-on investigation of these two...
你有什么看法？
areas?
好吧 要应付很多东西 但是…
Well, that'd be a lot to juggle, but--
哇 抱歉 我的椅子全湿了
Sorry! My chair's all wet.
嘿 克拉珀 你接手我的案子已经够糟的了
Hey, Clappers! It was bad enough when you took my case,
但是你离我的女人远点
but you stay the hell away from my woman.
克劳福德 你在担心什么？
What are you worried about, Crawford?
凯伦和我完全是专业的
What Karen and I have is strictly professional.
如果所谓专业包括你的未婚妻意淫我的鸡♥巴♥咪♥咪♥
If professional includes your fiancée eye-fucking my dick titties.
你的那些鸡♥巴♥咪♥咪♥没有你想象得那么完美
Yeah, well, those dick titties of yours aren't as perfect as you think they are!
左边的挂得稍微低一点
The left one hangs slightly lower!
是啊 没错 我也一直盯着它们看
Yeah, that's right, I've been eye-fucking ‘em too!
听着 趣特里奇特医生 捐献者名单太长了
Look, Doctor Funtlichter, the ball donor list is taking too long.
这蛋蛋我马上就得要
I need nuts yesterday.
兰德尔 如果你不介意稍微违反法律
Well, Randall, if you don't mind bending the law a little bit,
你可以试试黑市
you can always try the black market.
（有机黑市）
我们只收获最健康的器官
We only harvest the healthiest organs here.
你在市场上找什么？ 脾、肝、心、肺？
What are you in the market for? Spleen, liver, heart, lungs?
-有睾丸吗？ -我们有吗？
Got any testicles? -Do we?
又好又熟 多少钱？
Hmm, nice and ripe. How much?
一个蛋五千
Five thousand a ball.
五千？
Five thousand?
好吧 这是我的买♥♥方还价
Well, here's my counteroffer.
我准备好我的蛋植入了
I'm ready for my ball implant.
（天堂镇医院）
医生 怎么样？
Doc, how'd it go?
嗯 你还没来得及告诉我就晕过去了
You passed out before you could tell me,
幸运的是 我找到了你写给我的纸条 看见没？
but luckily, I found the note you wrote me. See?
“把所有的蛋都放进我的阴囊里”
"Put all the balls in my sack."
我照做了
So I did.
天啊
Oh, my God.
你是有史以来最伟大的医生
You're the greatest doctor ever!
大蛋蛋能量
♪ Big ball energy ♪
我有大蛋蛋能量
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
像悍马一样大
♪ Big like a Humvee ♪
像橡树一样厚
♪ Thick like an oak tree ♪
像红海一样宽
♪ Wide like the Red Sea ♪
像克里斯克里斯蒂一样胖
♪ Fat like Chris Christie ♪
像山羊胡子一样多毛
♪ Hairy like a goatee ♪
我有大蛋蛋能量
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪ -
我有大蛋蛋能量
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
我有大蛋蛋能量
♪ I got that big ball energy ♪
这到底是什么？
What the hell is this?
嘿 听着 我对此很抱歉 好吧 但这是…
Look, I'm sorry about this, okay? But it's--
三P？
A threesome?
喔 我总是想要双插
Ooh, I'm always up for some DP!
一个插蜜♥穴♥ 一个插菊花 明白了吗？
One in the tongue hole, one in the bunghole. Get it?
一个插蜜♥穴♥ 一个插菊花 明白了吗？
One in the cooter, one in the pooter. Get it?
一个插屄♥♥眼 一个插屁♥眼♥ 明白了吗？
One in the yapper, one in the crapper.
明白了吗？一个插♥阴♥道 一个插肛♥门♥
Get it? One in the teefer, one in the queefer. You get it?
一个在小猫洞 一个在拉屎洞 明白了吗？
One in the kitten hole, one in the shittin' hole. You get it?
好吧 我现在就把你绑起来
Okay. I'll be tying you up now.
你将会经历全新的痛苦
You're about to experience a new level of pain.
哇 你们即将享用“大餐”
Well, y'all in for a treat,
因为身上越疼 我喷得越多
because the more it hurt, the more I squirt!
哦 天啊
Oh, God.
兰德尔 是你吗？
Randall, is that you?
嗯 我有个惊喜给你 宝贝
Mm-hmm. And have I got a surprise for you, baby.
可以修复一切的东西
Something that'll fix everything.
凯伦 那些是快乐的声音吗？
Uh, Karen, are those happy sounds?
蛋挡着我听不见你说话 凯伦？
I can't hear you through the balls. Karen?
凯伦
Karen!
（天堂镇医院）
我是说 你有点喜欢 对吧？
I mean, you liked it a little bit, right?
凯伦 你没事吧？他对你做了什么？
Karen, are you okay? What did he do to you?
对她做了什么？我这么做是为了她
Do to her? I did it for her!
是吗 如果她能动动她的脸 她绝对会“感谢”你的
Well, I'm sure she would thank you if she could move her face.
克拉珀 我受够你了
I'm sick of your shit, Clappers.
是时候一劳永逸地解决这个问题了
It's time to settle this once and for all.
我向你发出蛋蛋挑战
I challenge you to a Ball-Off!
哦 天啊
Oh, my God!
他们在比蛋蛋
They're having a Ball-Off!
比蛋蛋
Ball-Off!
比蛋蛋
Ball-Off!
我听说犬牙纹冰♥毒♥的幕后黑手可以在这里找到
I heard the man behind Houndstooth meth could be found here.
是啊 我从没想过 我们会在呆伯特的胳膊
Yeah, I never thought we'd get back into the meth game
被扯断后再回到冰♥毒♥游戏
after what happened to Delbert's arm,
但是我们的新老板很酷也很有趣
but, hey, our new boss is cool and fun, man.
他在哪里？
Well? Where is he?