天堂镇警局（2018）

这是我一直在等待的一天
It's the day I've been waiting for!
迪士尼新流媒体服务：
The launch of Disney's new streaming service,
迪士尼+ 推出了
Disney+.
就好像我死了 去了天堂一样
It's like I died and gone to heaven.
就像你一样 米奥吉先生
Just like you, Mr. Meowgi.
这里只有一些被遗忘、失败的情景喜剧 好看的都没有
What? There's nothing here but forgotten, failed sitcoms.
迪斯尼 你怎么知道我会看你的垃圾剧？
Oh, Disney, how'd you know I'd eat your garbage?
让我看看《有博客的狗》《有快照的猫》
Ooh, let's see. Dog With A Blog, Cat With A Snapchat,
《爷爷宝宝》
Baby Grandpa,
《那只狗是我妹妹》《披萨宝宝》
That Dog's My Sister, Pizza Baby,
《吸血鬼男孩乐队》
Vampire Boy Band,
《甲板上的吸血鬼男孩乐队》
Vampire Boy Band On Deck.
这看起来很有趣
Ooh, this looks interesting.
有时候在生活中你需要一个朋友
♪ Sometimes in life, you need a friend ♪
成为你爱的对象
♪ To be the object of your affection ♪
尽管他的眼睛不指向同一个方向
♪ And though his eyes don't point in the same direction ♪
但它们指向你的心
♪ They point at your heart ♪
是斗鸡眼沃利
♪ It's Wall-Eyed Wally! ♪
莎吧嗒嘟嘀嗒
♪ Shaba-da-doo-dee-dah ♪
《斗鸡眼沃利》是在现场演播室观众面前拍的
Wall-Eyed Wally was filmed before a live studio audience.
笑声是后来添加的
The laughs were added later.
沃利 你在玩电子游戏吗？
Wally, are you playing video games?
我告诉过你要准备历史考试学习
I told you to study for your history test.
我两样都做 妈妈
I'm doing both, Mom.
我的褥疮膏在哪？
Where's my bed-sore cream?
我们要狂轰滥炸
We gonna binge the fart outta this!
嘿 谁吃了我的华夫饼？
Hey, who ate my waffles?
下一季 看看谁吃了沃利的华夫饼
Tune in next season to see who ate Wally's waffles.
悬念？哦 迪斯尼 你这个淘气的婊♥子♥
A cliffhanger? Oh, Disney, you naughty bitch.
我想我可以再看一季
Ah, I guess I can squeeze in one more season
然后再把我的尿壶倒空
before I gotta empty my pee jugs.
（没有下一集）
这是最后一集吗？
That's the last episode?
但是我不知道谁吃了沃利的华夫饼
But I don't know who ate Wally's waffles!
谁吃了沃利的华夫饼？
Who the fuck ate Wally's waffles?
（天堂镇警♥察♥局）
（首脑案件）
嘿 子弹 你对犬牙纹冰♥毒♥做过分♥析♥吗？
Hey, Bullet, did you do an analysis on that houndstooth meth?
哦 是的 它的效力是菱形纹冰♥毒♥的两倍
Oh, yeah, it's twice as potent as argyle meth.
啊 好狗狗 你从实验室得到这些结果的吗？
Ah, good dog. You get those results from the lab?
不 实验室搞不定 所以我抽了大部分
Nah, the lab couldn't hang, so I smoked most of it.
附带问题:
Side question,
你的头一直是由巨型蜘蛛制成的吗？
has your head always been made out of giant spiders?
爸 我们不是应该让联邦调查局来处理首脑案件吗？
Dad, shouldn't we let the FBI handle the Kingpin case?
我是说 我们上次试的时候 达斯提差点被处决
I mean, the last time we tried, Dusty was almost executed.
嗯 每个人都会犯错
Well, everyone makes mistakes.
总有一天我们会处决达斯提
We'll execute Dusty one of these days.
与此同时 我要打败克拉珀
In the meantime, I'm going to beat Clappers
亲自抓住那个首脑
and catch that Kingpin myself!
上次我像这样被喷一脸热气的时候
Last time I had a steaming blast to the face like this,
我和吉米卡特在一个狂欢派对上
I was at a scat party with Jimmy Carter.
那个男孩会种花生 但他肯定消化不了
That boy could grow peanuts, but he sure couldn't digest 'em.
是的 斯特 是我
Yeah, Thester. It's me.
警长离我们太近了
Chief's getting too close to us.
我想他该和“汽车炸♥弹♥先生”开个小会了
I think it's time he had a little meeting with Mr. Car Bomb.
不要 我是说 在他的车下面放个炸♥弹♥
No, I mean put a bomb under his car.
你真的有个朋友叫卡波姆先生吗？
You actually have a friend named Mr. Carbomb?
他是你♥爸♥爸？
He's your dad?
你叫斯特卡波姆？
So your name is Thester Carbomb?
四世？
The fourth?
爸爸 我只是说联邦调查局更有资格…
Dad, I'm just saying the FBI is more qualified to--
凯文 你没事吧？ 你脸上的表情很奇怪
Kevin, are you all right? You got a weird look on your face.
我得走了 寄封信
I got to go... mail a letter...
马上
right now.
还有谁注意到凯文每天9:37用一些
Has anyone else noticed that Kevin leaves every day
蹩脚的借口离开吗？
at 9:37 with some lame excuse?
哦 他能去哪里？
Where could he possibly be going?
所有人让开！ 我有一个重大的案件要办
Everybody outta my way! I've got a major crime to solve.
啊 首脑案件？
Ah, the Kingpin case?
你看我像是关心扯蛋事的人吗？
Do I look like I give a shit about bullshit?
不要 我要找出谁吃了沃利的华夫饼
No! I gotta find out who ate Wally's waffles!
哦 你为什么不忘了华夫饼 把我压扁成煎饼？
Ohh, why don't you forget the waffles and flatten me into a pancake?
我已经在裤子里做糖浆了
I already made syrup in my pants.
不要再把我的性和食物混淆了
Don't further confuse my sexuality with food!
天啊 根据互联网
Oh, my God! According to the internets,
这个节目被取消了 因为扮演沃利的孩子
the show was canceled 'cause the kid who played Wally
在1998年被绑♥架♥了
was kidnapped in 1998.
所以还有一个绑♥架♥儿童的问题需要解决…
So there's a child abduction to solve, too...
如果时间允许的话
time permitting.
达斯提 我不会把宝贵的人力
Dusty, I am not gonna allocate valuable manpower,
或你 分配给一个用同人小说可以更好解决的案子
or you, to a case that could be better solved with fan fiction.
你想下半辈子小便失禁吗？ 你试试看 混♥蛋♥
You wanna live out your days pissing in a bag? Then try me, motherfucker!
好的 好吧 随你便
Okay, do whatever you want!
我只需要运行一个年龄增长程序
I just gotta run a age-enhancement program
看看小沃利今天会是什么样子
to see what little Wally might look like today.
（即时增龄）
但是 因为他被绑♥架♥了
But, because he was kidnapped,
我们需要模拟多年可能的营养不良和虐待
we need to simulate years of likely malnutrition and abuse.
哦 在这里 “天堂公立学校“滤镜
Oh, here it is, "Paradise Public School" filter.
生日快乐 我亲爱的罗比
Happy birthday, my sweet Robby.
你喜欢你的阴♥唇♥蛋糕吗？
Do you like your pussycake?
我想要一个巧克力阴♥唇♥蛋糕
I wanted a chocolate pussycake!
我给你再做一个
I'll make you another one.
别以为我忘了你 收养的小呆伯特
Don't think I forgot you, little adopted Delbert.
谢谢你给我的屁♥眼♥蛋糕
Thank you for my bunghole cupcake.
你是20年前的今天来和我们住在一起的
It was 20 years ago today you came to live with us,
之前你♥爸♥妈在教堂的那次蛇宴中死去
ever since your mama and daddy died in that snake orgy at church.
这是一个可信的故事 我一点也不怀疑
That's a believable story that I'm not the least bit dubious of.
把屁♥股♥松饼给我 今天是我的生日
Give me that butt muffin, it's my birthday!
爸爸 给我在奶奶的铁肺里照张相
Hey, Daddy, take a picture of me in Mee-Maw's iron lung!
罗比 你知道奶奶需要她的肺来呼吸
Now, Robby, you know Mee-Maw needs her lung to breathe.
今天是我的生日 我要得到我想要的
It's my birthday and I get what I want!
好吧 我去拿扳手
All right, let me get my wrench.
你好 凯文
Hello, Kevin.
-你的“信件邮寄”怎么样？ -很好啊
How did your "letter mailing" go? -Fine?
骗子 我们知道你没有寄信
Liar! We know you didn't mail a letter
因为我们没收了镇上所有寄出的信
because we confiscated every outgoing letter in town.
你传唤邮件来监视我？
You subpoenaed the mail to spy on me?
传唤？不
Subpoena? No.
我们只是让霍普森把手伸进所有的邮箱里
We just had Hopson reach into all the mailbox slots.
变老最大的好处是 你会得到柔软的骨头
Best part about growing old, you get them soft bones.
我们知道你每天9:37离开
We know you leave every day at 9:37.
我们不知道的是为什么
What we don't know is why.
好吧
Okay,
有点尴尬 但我回家拉屎
it's a little embarrassing, but I go home to poop.
哦 我的天啊 他只在家拉屎
Oh, my God, he's a home-shitter.
我需要坐下来
I need to sit down.
所以我在家拉屎 有什么大不了的？
So I poop at home, what's the big deal?
我告诉你有什么大不了的
I'll tell you the big deal.
没有什么比坐在他旁边的隔间里拉屎
There is no greater honor
更让一个警♥察♥
one peace officer can pay another
感到荣幸的了
than to sit in the stall next to him and take a shit.
这是尊重的标志
It's a sign of respect.
肩并肩 这就是警♥察♥如何显示团结
Side by side. It's how police officers show solidarity.
或者松散
Or liquidarity.
看到了吗？ 那是一片充满敬意的尿布
You see? That is a diaper full of respect.
我所有真正的警♥察♥ 来
All my true police officers, bring it in.
集体拥抱
Group hug.
不是你 在家拉屎的
Not you, home-shitter.
我想参与进来
I want in on this!
该死的软骨头
Goddamned soft bones!
我喜欢这个肺
I like this lung!