约翰·威尔逊的十万个怎么做（2020）

这是… -外星人在亚利桑那?
This is an-- -Aliens in Arizona?
亚利… 你知道的 阿兹特克人 印加人 哪都有
Arizo-- Yeah, all over, you know, the Aztecs, the Incas.
等等 你说有外星人 意思是…
They-- Wait. The-- the aliens, like…
嗯 我觉得我们…
Well, we-- I think we are--
绝对… 可能…
we have definitely been--might have--
外星人跟我们杂交过…
we have been impregnated by, uh--
我们有… 就是外星人
We have some, uh--We are actually the aliens.
听够了
So, once you've heard enough,
就直奔去超♥市♥买♥♥材料吧
head straight to the store and get all your ingredients.
鸡肉高汤
Chicken stock,
帕马森奶酪
Parmigiano,
黄油 青葱 大蒜
butter, shallot, garlic,
独一无二的阿镇米
and that special Arborio rice.
还有 别忘了鱼
And don't forget the pesce.
到家后
And when you get home,
就该开始把你所学付诸实践了
it's time to put everything you learned into practice.
以平静 充满禅意的念想开始
Start by getting into that tranquil zen state of mind.
你需要做出完美的口感
You need the perfect texture.
和完美的味道
You need the perfect flavor.
接着 把四杯鸡肉高汤倒进锅里加热
Then you're gonna boil four cups of chicken broth
先把汤锅放在一边
and set it aside for later.
开始料理青葱
Then you cook the shallot,
吧?
I think,
然后是大蒜
and then the garlic.
几分钟后 放入米
Then after a couple of minutes, you put the rice in
来回搅拌
and stir it around.
好像再放点葡萄酒
And then a little wine, I think.
嗯就是葡萄酒
I'm pretty sure.
此时 你要去确认一下
Then, while that's going, you're gonna need to check
易贝网上你一个快要结束的竞拍
one of your eBay listings that's ending soon
默默等酒把饭煮熟
while the wine reduces.
然后没过一会就有糊味了 于是调至中火
But then it starts to smell, so you put it on medium.
中 中小火 嗯这样看起来不错
Med-- medium low, that-- that seems good.
接着用汤勺舀出一勺鸡汤
Then you take the broth and pour it in a ladle at a time
倒进米里 让汤汁逐渐被米吸收
until it's absorbed by the rice.
在等待的过程中
And while you're waiting for that,
你试图跟房♥东打招呼
you try to say hello to your landlord,
她在外边打理花♥园♥
who's gardening outside.
你好 妈妈
'Ello, Mama!
如果她没听到
But if she doesn't hear you,
加一勺高汤 再试一次
just put in a ladle of broth and try again.
嘿 妈妈!
Hey, Mama!
重复这个步骤 直到高汤全部倒完
And continue this process until you're out of broth.
你好 妈妈!
'Ello, Mama!
这个过程大约需要15分钟
This should take around 15 minutes.
此时 轮到鱼出场
Now it's time for the pesce.
没有喷灯
But you don't have a blowtorch,
你可以直接把鱼扔到炉子上
so you can just throw it on the grill.
不过 千万别忘了…
but don't forget about the…
米饭
rice.
烤焦了一点之后 把鱼从炉子上拿下来
When the fish is on fire, you can take it off.
呃 这应该是完成了吧
Uh, it should be done.
磨一点奶酪细末 当做收尾
Then you gotta grate some cheese as a finishing touch.
如果你注意到了猫的呕吐物
but not before you notice that there's cat vomit all over the floor
记得先清理干净
and you have to clean that up first.
然后加入奶酪 搅拌均匀
And then you stir in the cheese.
还没完成
But you're not quite done yet.
用力搅拌 并颠锅
Then stir and toss with energy
直到饭团软糯且细腻
until oozy and creamy.
接着便是冲刺阶段
And then you're on the home stretch,
把所有东西摆入盘中
and you can put everything on the plate.
大功告成!
And your risotto is complete!
但你完成后
But when you're done,
这看着 和意大利大厨做的相去甚远
it doesn't look quite like the Italian's did.
看上去还有点…
And it may seem a little…
黏黏的
gluey.
当你回顾做烩饭日志上的每个步骤
And when you review everything you did in your risotto journal,
实在想不通 到底是哪儿出错了
you can't understand where you went wrong.
你猜亲手熬的鸡汤或许没那么差
You figure homemade chicken stock could help,
但也没好到能拯救第二次的尝试
but it's not enough to save your second attempt.
你的第三次努力 成了烧焦的烂摊子
And your third attempt is a scorched mess.
加了蘑菇的第四次也成不了
Mushrooms didn't help your fourth.
还是浆糊
It's gluey again.
尽管你严格的做了笔记
And despite your rigorous note-taking,
每一次的尝试
each time you try,
都以失败告终
you'll fail,
个中原因你却并不能全然理解
for reasons that you don't fully understand.
而你也感受到了一种…
And you may start feeling a…
全新的 像旋转木马般不停歇的沮丧感
carousel of frustrating emotions that are brand new to you.
但气馁还是得自己肚里吞
But just make sure to swallow your frustration,
千万别破坏了
and try not to ruin the surprise
为她下厨的惊喜
for the person you're cooking for.
这时你可能发现
At this point, you may notice that
生活当中的其他日常小事也开始犯难
you're also having a hard time with other simple, everyday tasks,
难为你的不再只是意式烩饭
and it's not just your risotto that's suffering.
之后你可能意识到
And then you realize that
这些问题多多少少可能都因为
all your problems may have something to do with the fact that
你已经超过一周没摄入尼古丁了
you haven't had nicotine in over a week.
回顾自己二十出头时
Back when you were in your early twenties,
你为了摆酷开始抽烟
you started smoking to look cool.
确实酷了
And it worked.
却也慢慢演变成"每天一包"的习惯
But that slowly developed into a pack-a-day habit that
持续之久 属实不应当
went on for a lot longer than it should've.
等你到30岁
And then when you turned 30,
你终于决定戒掉纸质烟
you decided to finally quit combustible cigarettes
像其他人一样 改抽电子的
and go digital, like everybody else.
随心所欲 四处吞云吐雾
You would blow clouds wherever you wanted,
把大街当自己家
like you owned the streets.
口袋里甚至烫出了烟头大小的洞
You even developed a vape-sized hole in your pocket
总是得缝缝补补
that you kept having to sew shut.
还在你大腿上留下一个总好不了的疤
And that led to a sore on your thigh that never healed,
就在裤袋破洞的地方
where it poked through your jeans.
最终 看着这一堆
Finally, seeing the amount of trash
自己一个月内产生出的垃圾
you generated over the course of a month
真的让人恶心
disgusted you.
因此上礼拜 你把所有电子烟都冻了起来
So, a week ago, you froze all your vapes
以为这样就能抑制自己
in an attempt to stop yourself
不再摄入更多的尼古丁
from consuming any more nicotine.
但欲求依然强烈
But the cravings still persisted.
你开始后悔在这个时候戒烟
And you begin to regret quitting at a time like this
因为你的尼古丁戒断反应
because your nicotine withdrawal is
明摆着正导致你的厨艺
clearly turning your cooking into
变得更屎
dog shit.
或许在你精进烹制意式烩饭的厨艺之前
And maybe before you can perfect the art of risotto,
你需要先精进"戒瘾"的能力
you're gonna need to perfect the art of quitting first.
人们总说 最初的几周是最难的
They say that the first couple of weeks are the hardest,
最好是能移除先前的各种诱因
and it's a good idea to remove any former triggers
好打破循环
to break the cycle.
但任何一个纽约的角落
But everywhere you look in New York,
似乎都在勾起你的瘾
there seems to be reminders of your addiction.
就连你用来粉碎便便的干冰
And even the dry ice you use to break up your stool,
也让你想起电子烟
reminds you of vaping.
如果真的想成为戒烟大♥师♥
So if you want to master quitting,
你给自己挑选的新环境
put yourself in a new environment that
就应该让你完全想不起抽烟这回事
that doesn't remind you of vaping at all.
童年之后的你可能就没再滑过雪
You may not have been skiing since you were a little kid,
在租了装备之后 你来到了新手滑道
so you rent some gear and hit the bunny slope
想尝试安全地滑滑看
to try to ski down safely.
印象当中 童年的自己对此还蛮在行的
You remember being okay at it when you were a kid,
然而
but,