约翰·威尔逊的十万个怎么做（2020）

让你的朋友们多花钱
cost you friends.
还有些人找起钱包来
Others will look for their wallet
会花超乎寻常的时间
for an abnormally long amount of time,
希望借此逃掉一劫
in the hopes that they can get out of paying entirely.
这个举动非常狡猾且巧妙
This is a crafty maneuver
因为它给了你的餐友
because it gives your dining partner
足够的时间和机会来
the time and opportunity to
拒绝你假装作出的任何"贡献"
object to any contribution that you're pretending to make.
他们还会说 "你不欠我任何东西
They'll also say that you don't owe them anything.
因为我们的友谊无价"
Because your friendship is precious.
一个经验丰富的老手会一直掏他们的口袋
But a seasoned pro will go to great lengths
但怎么都掏不出钱包来
to avoid ever revealing their wallet at all.
做到这点 你需要在口袋里
This involves filling your pockets with
足够多的"诱饵"
several decoys
来延长别人误以为
to prolong the illusion of
"你是真的在找钱包"的时间
an authentic wallet hunt.
但这个策略普及度之高 也成了一个弱点
But this strategy's popularity is also its weakness,
因为朋友知道你在演戏后
as many will recognize this bit of theater you're putting on
会耐心地看着你演
and wait it out,
迫使你最终要掏这个钱
forcing you to eventually chip in.
我发现真正的专业选手
But I found that professionals have a
有更高级的方法来
much more sophisticated way of
避免自己多付钱
paying less for dinner.
这些选手喜欢靠报销一些东西
Professionals love to write things off
来符合报税要求
for tax purposes,
使得他们在经济上
giving them an economic advantage over
比别人占得更多好处
everybody else.
然而 告诉别人你要为这顿饭买♥♥单
But telling someone that you're about to expense dinner
最能毁掉一顿晚餐的浪漫气氛
is the perfect way to suck the romance out of any meal.
大概这就是
It seems like it
"谈钱伤感情"吧
strains relationships once money is involved.
餐厅的四面墙似乎也有某种能力
And there's something about the four walls of a restaurant that
把我们关乎公平的一切想法展示了出来
puts our ideas of fairness on full display.
我最近过生日
But it was my birthday recently,
朋友们带我去了一家
and a bunch of friends took me out to a
很棒的意大利餐厅
nice Italian restaurant,
这个生日过得很有意思
and it was actually very fun.
大家点了一些酒和开胃菜
We got some wine and a few appetizers,
我点了阿尔费雷多鸡肉面
and I ordered the chicken alfredo.
中间我还小激动了一下
At one point, I got excited because
因为看到服务员端了
the waitress started walking
一块点着蜡烛的纸杯蛋糕往这边走
a cupcake towards me with a candle in it,
结果 发现这是给…
but it turned out to be for
另一桌客人的生日蛋糕
someone else's birthday dinner.
♪ 祝你生日快乐 ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
我的朋友们都觉得好笑
All my friends thought it was funny.
我咋笑不出来呢
I didn't think it was so funny, though.
生日大餐是否该由寿星买♥♥单一直没有定论
It's never clear if the birthday boy should pay,
因此我一直不吱声
so I kept my mouth shut.
当服务员把账单拿过来时
But when the waiter brought the check over,
其中一个朋友直接
one of my friends put everything onto a
刷♥卡♥把钱付了…
single card and
其他人则给他
everyone else paid him
手♥机♥转账
on their phones.
一开始我还很得意 我的朋友
At first, I felt proud of my friends
能让买♥♥单的过程显得如此轻松不费力
for making it seem so effortless.
然后我意识到
But then I realized
这人其实是用借记卡付的
the person who paid had actually used a business debit card,
这意味着 这顿饭后
which means that he could actually profit off the meal
他还能靠报税小赚一笔
after he files his taxes.
他们干嘛要把我的生日派对变成赚钱的手段?
Why were they using my party as a way to make money?
他们这是想榨干每一滴
They were trying to squeeze every last drop
我这生日宴的油水啊
out of my special night.
我整个人都不好了
I felt sick.
在他们眼里 这更像一个赚钱的机会
It seemed like more of a business opportunity to these people
而非一个值得纪念的日子
than an historic milestone.
他们坐在那里
There they were,
洗着牌
flashing their cards,
能赌到一分是一分
hoping to get points.
我不过是一笔开支
I was an expense.
我开始思考
And I started to think about
我还有哪些珍贵的回忆
what other precious memories of mine were
其实是别人私底下的一笔"开支"
secretly an expense for someone else.
有人报销了那些令人享受的烟火吗?
Did someone write off those fireworks that we enjoyed?
还有那个愉快的电影之夜?
Or that funny night at the movies?
有人把礼品卡报销了才送给我
Did someone write off the gift card they gave me
让我去做足… 鱼疗吗?
for the foot-- uh, the fish thing?
也许是我想错了
Maybe I'd been going about this the wrong way.
我这辈子从没给税务局添过乱
I've been in perfect harmony with the IRS my whole life
而其他人一直在想办法
while everyone else was discovering ways
钻法律的空子
to cheat the system.
也许我该长大
Maybe it was time for me to grow up and
该去自行寻找那些财政漏洞了
start looking for financial loopholes of my own.
于是 我约了一个会计见面
So I met up with an accountant to
来一次性搞清楚 生意帐和娱乐帐分别怎么算
figure out once and for all what was for business and what was for pleasure.
但他当时办公地点并不固定
But he was in between offices at the time,
他让我租一个办公地点
and he asked me to rent a workspace for him
这样 能让他看上去显得…
so that he could look like a
更专业
professional.
我照做了
So I did.
如果我拍摄一个和朋友吃饭的短片
If I film a dinner with friends, uh...
可以报销吗?
could I write it off?
听上去不错
That's pretty cool.
我感觉并不是百分之百可行
I think it's not a 100 percent yes,
但我觉得可以 有什么不行的
but I probably would say, "Yes, why not?"
你的职业是导演
Your occupation is you're a filmmaker.
你刚才告诉过我 你拍纪录片
You told me moments ago that you make documentaries.
你记录的都是你觉得正确或有趣的东西
You make documentaries of whatever you feel is right and good,
所以如果你要记录自己和朋友相处的故事
so if your documentary is about you hanging out with your friend,
然后你想把这些视频上传到你的社交帐户上
and then you're going to try to possibly upload that on your social media
吸引更多人来看
for the sake of attracting,
比如 HBO这样的电视台
you know, channels like HBO
吸引他们来递橄榄枝
to-- to knock on your door,
那何乐而不为 我觉得这就是一笔
then why not? I view it as a...
营销推广和宣传费用
as, like, a marketing or promotion type of expense.
那如果我…
What about if I--
拍的是自己去买♥♥李施德林漱口水呢?
If I film myself buying Listerine?
也可以报销吗?
Uh, could I-- Could I write that off?
听上去可行
That's pretty cool.
如果有充足的理由和正当的目的
If you can justify it with good faith,
那我确信 这就是一项商业支出
then I believe it's a business expense.
听上去是个好办法
This sounded like a great idea.
托了这位会计的福
So, with my accountant's blessing,
我现在可以报销所有
I was now able to write off all the stuff that
我的日常用品开支了
I just normally spend money on.
我只需要
All I had to do was
用相机把我所做的一切 都拍上几秒
film a few seconds of every single thing that I did,
就都奇迹般地变成了我的商业支出
and it all magically turned into a business expense.
就像这样
Just like that.
如果税务局来给我做审计
And if the IRS wanted to audit me,
他们必须要看完我拍的所有素材
they would have to look through all my footage,
每个镜头都要看
every single shot.
你最好信我还有很多很多很多
And you'd better believe that there's a lot--
很多很多这样的镜头
a whole lot more where this came from.
好奇我还可以报销些什么
I wondered what else I could write off.
这个手表多少钱?
How much does something like this cost?
35000美元
Thirty-five thousand dollar.
对我来说有什么好处?
What-- what would this do for me?
这笔交易很划算
It's a great deal.
我一直想要一个霓虹灯招牌
I always wanted a neon sign,