约翰·威尔逊的十万个怎么做（2020）

♪扎拉·拉尔森《搅乱我的生活》♪
♪Zara Larsson 'Ruin My Life'♪
♪让我整晚心神不宁♪
♪Fuck up all of my nights, yeah♪
♪想被你搅得天翻地覆♪
♪I want you to bring it all on,♪
♪让我错得离谱♪
♪If you make it all wrong,♪
♪又让一切复原♪
♪that'll make it all right♪
你好啊 纽约
Hey, New York.
在大城市里小小攀谈一下的机会非常多
There are countless opportunities to make small talk in a big city.
尽管有些人…
Even though some people
会不惜一切代价避免搭讪
seem to avoid it at all costs.
攀谈是社会的粘合剂
Small talk is the glue that binds us all together
也可以像盔甲般保护我们
and the armor that shields us
免受对方阴暗想法的伤害
from each other's darkest thoughts.
如果遇到了朋友 攀谈一下特别管用
It's useful when you meet up with a friend...
还有约会
go on a date...
或者开始一段…
or try to start
工作关系
a professional relationship.
如果不知道怎样才是正确的交涉
Failing to know how to engage properly
可能会让你陷入社交隔绝的境地
could condemn you to a life of social alienation.
但巨大的满足感
But it can be extremely rewarding
会伴随着正确的做法而来
if you know how to do it right.
所以与其让其他人承受
So instead of making people
承受你的困扰带来的负担
take on the full weight of all your problems,
不如跟上我
stick with me,
我可以让从此之后你每一次谈话
and I'll make sure that every talk you have from here on out
都能称之为"攀谈"
is small talk.
最好的开场方式是
A nice way to begin is
走出家门
by leaving your apartment
设法找到一个…
and trying to find someone
愿意跟你聊天的人
who is willing to talk to you.
好在 纽约有非常多友善之人
Thankfully, New York is filled with friendly people,
所以 应该不难
so this should be easy.
攀谈的主要手段之一
One of the main functions of small talk
是要构建一个礼貌的交流空间
is to fill space with polite conversation,
直到你们可以
until you can be
再次被孤立起来
alone again.
因此 要确保你们的话题仅限于
So make sure to only talk about stuff
你的日常生活
from your everyday life
这样方便别人和你产生共鸣 而且
that anyone can relate to and
也可以转眼就忘掉
forget about easily.
你们可以聊聊天色多么晴朗
You can talk about how nice the weather is,
但千万记住
but just make sure that
不要提起
you never mention
气候变化
climate change.
可以聊聊电视上看到的东西
You can talk about what's on TV,
但记住
but make sure
只可以聊积极向上的事
that you only talk-- you only mention the nice stuff.
你也可以说说你养的花长势如何
You can also talk about the health of your plant,
但千万别说
but don't mention that
那是前任留下的痛苦回忆
it's a painful reminder of your ex,
她送给你
who gave it to you,
因为她爱你
because she loved you
然而你在心理上
even though you were emotionally
根本无法爱上她
unavailable to her.
宠物也是个很好的话题
Pets are really good to talk about too.
宠物是永恒的话题
You can always talk about pets.
但就像在房♥地♥产♥业一样
But much like in real estate,
位置在攀谈过程中有着决定性作用
location is everything when you're making small talk.
你可以把同一个问题抛给两个…
You could pose the same question in two…
完全不同的语境中
different environments
得到的回答也是大相径庭
and receive wildly different answers.
你可以跟哲学家提问
You could ask a question to a philosopher...
您认为人类还有可能回归如初么?
Do you think mankind is gonna make a comeback?
但愿吧
I hope so.
只要我们能挺过
If we can survive
气候变化 不平等 还有
the perils of climate change, inequality, and,
那些我们为自己建造的各种花哨武器的打击就好
the fantastic weapons of destruction we've created for ourselves.
但同样是这个问题 或许
But that same question, might
可以在摔角狂热大赛上得到不同答案
get a much different answer at Wrestle Mania.
你认为人类还有可能回归如初么?
Do you think Mankind is gonna make a comeback?
不可能 现在不行了
No, not today.
他从"地狱铁笼"上跌下来太多次了
He fell off too many Hell in a Cells.
真的吗? -是啊
Oh, really? -Yeah.
那宏观上的人类呢?
What about mankind in general?
那个"人类"啊?
Oh! Mankind, like,
全世界的人?
the whole world?
人性没那么差劲吧 虽然有待提高
I mean, it's not bad, it could be better,
不过我小日子挺得意的
but I'm happy with my life, so.
你… 你做什么工作的?
What do you, uh, what do you do?
我抓恋童癖
I catch child predators.
要看一眼我资料么?
If you wanna look me up,
脸书账号♥ "17540先生"
it's Mr. 17540 on Facebook.
我有空的时候做这个的
That's what I do in my spare time.
你抓恋童癖? -没错
You catch child predators? -Yes, I do.
怎么抓? -我在网上下套
How? -I set up the stings online,
然后行动的时候会在脸书直播
and I Facebook Live 'em, and I go and get 'em.
真的啊? -对啊
Really? -Yes, sir.
我们聊完之后
At the end of our conversation,
这位先生邀请我去了
the gentleman invited me to
他在宾夕法尼亚的"总部"
his headquarters in Pennsylvania.
我感觉 应邀去看看执行抓捕行动 或许可以学到点什么
And I figured I could learn something by heading out there to see him in action.
那…
So,
今天什么计划?
what's going on today?
今天咱就抓个恋童的人♥渣♥
we're gonna go catch us a predator today.
真的?
Yeah?
你已经下好套了?
Do you have something set up?
对 28岁一男的
Yeah, a guy's 28 years old,
我跟他说我今年15
he knows that I'm 15,
叫他备好安全套
and told him to bring condoms,
见面约个炮
and he's gonna try to meet me for sex.
因为他的工作需要长时间跟人交涉
Because his job involves keeping people engaged for long periods of time,
感觉他应该会有些
I figured he would have some insight into
要如何保持友好交流的独到见解
sustaining friendly conversations.
你现在跟这个人在聊些什么?
So, what are you saying to this person right now?
他刚刚跟我说…
So, he just told me...
我之前说 我找到这些人 看他们的个人信息 提问
Like I said, I find these guys, I look at their profile, I ask 'em questions.
我跟他说 喜欢他家狗
I-- I said I liked his dogs.
他回复谢谢
He said, "Thank you."
马上又接茬
Right away, he says,
一只挪威猎鹿犬 一只巧克力色的拉布拉多
"It's a Norwegian elk hound and a chocolate Lab,"
还问我 "你有什么事?"
and "What are you doing on here, then?"
因为我说过我15岁
Because I told him I'm 15.
我说"我来看着玩的"
We'll tell him I'm just looking for fun
"我奶奶养过这样的狗狗"
and that my grandma used to have dogs like that.
你奶奶真的养过这样的狗么?
Did your grandma really have dogs like that?
大爷的才怪
No, hell no.
似乎 在你进行攀谈的时候
It seems like when you're having small talk,
胡诌几句完全没问题
it's okay to lie
如果你需要避免…
if it helps you avoid…
太贴近对方的交谈
getting too personal,
因为那样对话就进行不下去了
because that can be a real turn off.
我见过有人…
I've had people just…
会抛出他们的困扰…
vent their problems… like
"我丈母娘住院了"啊
"My mother-in-law is in the hospital," or
"我女朋友给我戴绿帽"啊
"My girlfriend just cheated on me,"
他们就是在说 "我不想跟你聊这些事"
and those are the people, like, "I--I'm not here for a conversation like that."
那我就拉黑 找别人
And I just block 'em and go to the next one.
但 我们正说着话呢
But in the middle of our conversation,
他的钓鱼失败了
his plans fell through.
妈蛋!
Damn it!
他刚刚跟我说…
Now he's saying…