约翰·威尔逊的十万个怎么做（2020）

很有风险呐 -坐下 拉拉
This is risky. -Sit, Lala.
拉酱最乖啦! -哇
Good girl! -Oh, wow.
别太习惯哟
Don't get used to it.
看起来你们已经想明白了 这是件好事
Seems like you guys got it figured out. This is nice.
我觉得…
I feel--
这是什么?
Oh, what is that?
我看到一小块缺口 -不是吧!
I see a little chip. -Oh, no!
这是刚刚撞到的吗? -糟了!
Did that just happen? -Oh, no.
看起来 多数人把他们的家具包起来…
It seems like most people cover their furniture
为的是让家具保持崭新的状态
to make sure it stays in mint condition.
所以如果你的家当早已破烂不堪
So, if your stuff is already trashed,
你需要先买♥♥真的值得维护的好家具
you'll need to start by buying something that's worth preserving.
幸好 纽约有着上百万张椅子…
Thankfully, New York has millions of seats
可供挑选
to choose from.
这座城市就是座饱藏"奇异"风情的椅子们的妓院
This city is a brothel of exotic chairs,
一旦你回看市场
and once you're finally back in the market,
你就会发现每一个妖艳贱♥货♥
uh, you'll notice that each one is
都在拼命地引诱你
desperately trying to seduce you.
一旦你找到某件 值得好好维护的家具
So once you find a piece of furniture that's worthy of preserving,
快速地检查一下
just do a very
有没有臭虫 以防万一
quick bedbug check, uh, just in case,
走到收银处 结账就对了
and go to the cashier and ring it up.
然后你要把它一路推到塑封店
And then you're gonna roll it straight to the plastic cover store.
然后把它交给要为你处理的师♥傅♥
And hand it off to the guy who's gonna make it for you.
这是16号♥塑料
This is a 16-gauge plastic.
16号♥ 这是有多厚? -是啊
Sixteen gauge, so how thick is that? -Yeah.
这 这个厚度…
That's-- That's the thickness of…
就是塑料厚度
of the plastic.
你觉得做完之后 看起来会怎么样?
How do you think this is gonna look with it?
看起来会超酷的
This is gonna look dope.
酷
Cool.
你包自己家里的家具吗?
Do you cover your own furniture at home?
不包
No.
他们制♥作♥的每一张膜都是独一无二的
Every cover they make is one of a kind,
塑料会像合身的手套那样跟椅子严丝合缝
and the plastic should fit your chair like a glove.
严丝合缝啊 兄弟!
Like a glove, bro!
所以 在你推回家之后
So, after you roll it home,
找几个…
get a couple of
苗条…
thin
但热心的朋友…
but kind friends
来帮你把椅子搬上楼
to-- to help you move it up the stairs.
但当你终于把它整进你的公♥寓♥后
But when you finally get it into your apartment,
与你的其他家当相伴 它可能会显得有些古怪
it may look a little weird next to all your other stuff.
尽管你早就幻想…
And despite the fantasy you've always had,
把辣椒酱倒在沙发上
the thrill of pouring salsa on it,
但这样的快♥感♥ 几周之后也就消退
wears off after a few weeks.
甚至就连你的房♥东 也觉得这个包膜很赞
And even if your landlord thinks the covers are nice…
这张沙发用塑料覆膜了
This one's covered in plastic.
赞欸
Nice.
朋友们仍然可能忍♥不住…
Your friends still may call you names for
在你家做客的时候吐槽你做了塑料膜
having plastic covers when they come over to hang out.
当天气回暖之后 坐在上面也会变得特别热
It also gets extremely hot when it's warm out,
我也不建议在坐上去时
and I wouldn't recommend sitting on it
光着屁♥股♥
while you're in the buff.
虽然你的猫再不想靠近这东西了
And although your cat won't want to go anywhere near this material,
但是你也没了兴趣
neither will you.
我们在尝试驯养动物时
When we try to domesticate animals,
会期待它们能遵守人类的规则
we expect them to play by our rules,
但动物依循天性 并不总那么配合
but it's not always in their nature to play along.
而人类想控制动物的妄想
And people even try to control animals
甚至延伸到了室外
outside of their house too.
在纽约 几乎每个可见的角落
Almost everywhere you look in New York,
你都可以看到那些…
you can see stuff
专门设计来防止动物
designed to prevent animals
留下痕迹的玩意儿
from making their mark.
这是用来赶鸟的
These things are here to stop birds.
这是用来挡狗的
These things are here to stop dogs.
这是用来 呃…
These things are here to--
禁停… 老鼠的
that-- that's for stopping rats,
我猜的
I think.
但猪却被放出来 想去哪去哪
But they still let the pigs go wherever they want.
在我每天早晨去公♥司♥的路上
When I walk to work every morning,
有段穿越台阶的捷径…
there's a tiny little staircase that
让我在去公♥司♥的路上 能少走半秒钟的路程
gives me a half-second short cut on my way to the office.
我看很多人也很自然地这样走
I see a lot of other people naturally do it too,
但出于某种原因 大楼管理层认为…
but for some reason, the building management decided
这样放任 实在吃了大亏
that this was a huge nuisance,
然后绑上了一条花哨的红绳子
and put up a fancy red rope
来阻止人们经过这座大厅前的阶梯
to stop people from walking down a single step in front of their lobby.
现在 每个人都需要转过一个完整的直角弯…
Now, everyone needs to make a full right-angle turn
才能绕过这栋大楼
when they walk past the building,
不知不觉耗费了你生命中多少年的珍贵光阴
potentially taking away years of your precious life.
我假定大楼管理层这样做是出于某种义务
I assume it's because of some kind of liability,
但在我看来 这更像在原始控制欲的驱使下…
but to me it seemed more about the raw power that
滥用对一个不过10英尺长的私人转角…
comes with controlling ten feet of a private corner
在一处高端小区中的把控权
in a high-end neighborhood.
我越是细看周围…
And the more I looked around,
越会发现更多…
the more I noticed all the other ways that
这座城市把所有人都当作动物对待的证据
the city treats everyone like animals.
他们给这些玩意装上了尖锐物…
They put sharp stuff on the tops of these
这样就没人能坐在上面
so that nobody sits on them.
他们在长凳边缘布置这种小金属片…
They put these little metal things on ledges,
这样滑板族就不能上来磨轮子了
uh, so that skateboarders can't grind.
他们最近开始把地铁里板凳上的隔板
And they recently started making the dividers on the subway benches
改得更高
even taller,
让横躺 难上加难
so that it's even harder to lay down on them.
还有人…
Some people
甚至设计了这些非常残酷的…
even designed very crude,
手工玩意儿 来对付其他人
uh, homemade solutions to the human problem.
这些看似都是为了阻挠那些不速之客
This all seems to be a way to discourage undesirables
占用大家钟爱的公共空间
from using our beloved public space.
而且当你全盘看下来
And when you look at all of it together,
似乎是…
it's almost like the
这座城市跟你有话要说
city is trying to tell you something.
但就像其他物种一样
But like any species,
我们总是会找到新的地方去征服
we always just find new areas to conquer,
爬上危险的高度…
climbing to dangerous elevations
好找到…
in search of
栖身之所
refuge.
人类总是大费周章…
Humans will go through a lot of trouble
只是为了让自己觉得 还掌控得住
just to make themselves feel like they're in control of
身处的环境
their environment.
在我十几岁的时候 我的秘密收藏…
When I was a teenager, my secret treasure was
是一整套
the full set of action figures from
卖♥♥座电影《黑客帝国》的动作人偶
the hit motion picture The Matrix,
全新未曾拆封
mint in the box.
一度成为…
It gave me
我所需要的情感寄托
the emotional armor I needed,
尽管从没人 真的在乎我拥有这些东西
even though nobody, uh, really cared that I had them.
当时的我 已经过了玩玩具的年纪
At the time,I was too old to play with them,
但也还没到 能把收藏卖♥♥给其他人的年纪
but too young to cash out.
如今它们也不值钱了…
And now they're somehow worth less
远低于当初我买♥♥的价格
than what I originally paid for them.
我记不清 这在当时为什么会让我开心
I can't remember why this ever made me happy,
但我知道 绝不只有我一个人…
but I knew that I wasn't the only one who
会有这样的行为
engaged in behavior like this.
对了 我听说你有一双…
Anyway, so I heard that you had a pair of
用心呵护的鞋
shoes that you take really good care of.
看 这是我的红底鞋
So, these are my red bottoms.
有克里斯蒂安·鲁布托的签名
Signed by Christian Louboutin.