替身（2020）

黑糖 赶快出来吧！
Come on out here, Candy.
除了去睡觉外 你对电视机前的影迷
You have a message for those fans who are at home
还有什么话说？
Besides "Go to bed."
你可以直接对摄影机说
Say it on that camera right over there.
-那一台吗？ -可以
- Right, this one - Sure.
好 各位小姐 记得报税喔
Okay. Girls, do your taxes.
请记得报税 不管你…
Please do you taxes. Whatever you do,
各位小姐！
girls.
我要向大家说对不起
And I'm sorry to everyone.
我真的很抱歉
I am very sorry.
谢谢你道歉 黑糖
Well, thank you for that apology, Candy.
如果有更多明星跟你一样 好莱坞一定会越变越好
I think if more stars were like you,Holly wood would be a better place.
欢迎参加缪思奖颁奖典礼
黑糖白兰咖 390万名粉丝
我如果说你一点也没变
Well, I'd say you haven't changed a bit,
绝对是在放狗屁
but that'd be a load of bullshit.
芭芭拉！
Barbara.
你看看你 真是容光焕发
Look at you. You look great.
谢谢 我看到你真的好高兴
Thank you. It's so wonderful to see you.
彼此彼此 其实啊
You, too. You know,
我刚好在拍那部我的助理
I'm actually right in the middle of shooting that movie
提到的那部电影 就是《跃马嘻哈道》重拍版
my assistant told you about.You know, the Saddle Up reboot.
对 她叫英格丽
Oh, yes. Ingrid.
-对 -她现在怎么样？
- Yeah. - How is she doing
很好 我用过最好的助理
Oh, she's great.Greatest assistant I ever had,
尤其现在她没有把药
especially now that she's not tossing the pills back
当作巧克力狂嗑
like they were M&Ms.
客串的那件事我的确应该向你道歉
Hmm. Well, I do owe you an apology about that cameo.
我没办法拍 这本来是个大好机会的
I couldn't do it.And it was an amazing offer.
其实我还是愿意找你
Well, you know, the offer still stands.
-真的？ -真的
- Yeah - Yeah.
我们找过别人接替你 可是…
I mean, we replaced you with someone,
说好听点就是效果不好
but it didn't work out, to put it kindly,
片场想要重拍
and the studio wants to reshoot it.
来吧 只要拍一天就好
So come on. It's only gonna be a day's work.
可是…
Wow. Just...
我其实…很久没演戏了
You know, I haven't acted in so long.
我觉得我还是上通告就好了吧？
And I thought that I would just stick to personal appearances,
来个道歉巡回之旅
you know, do the apology tour stuff.
每个王八蛋都能当名人
You know, any asshole can be a celebrity.
但你是个演员 而且很有天分
You're an actress, and a gifted one.
别再道歉了 来演戏吧
Stop apologizing, start acting.
谢谢你 芭芭拉
Thank you, Barbara.
对不起 打扰了 可是我不小心听到
Hi. Sorry to disturb you. I couldn't help but overhear,
所以我想说一句
and I just wanted to say
请你接那个角色
I hope you take the role.
我知道这是个重大抉择 但我很希望能看到你复出
I know it's a big choice, but I, for one,would be so honored to see your comeback.
你鼓励了我和我认识的 其他年轻女演员
You're such an inspiration to me and to every other young actress I know.
谢谢
Thank you.
我的目标其实是…
My whole goal is really to be someone
-成为… -我说完了
-who... -I'm done.
我们被迫在颁奖典礼枯坐五个小时
They made us sit through five hours of awards
他们才开始上第一道菜 干
before they even start the first fucking course.
你看！
Ta-da.
正统的夏克教风格板条靠背椅
It's an authentic Shaker ladder back chair.
这把椅子很漂亮
It's a really nice chair.
谢谢
Thanks.
所以你今天还打算干嘛？
So, what are your plans for the rest of the day
我想再做件家具 可能做柜子吧
I was thinking about making another piece.A credenza, maybe.
不想再自怨自艾了
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.
我现在要面对现实 以后得靠自己
I'm just gonna embrace the fact that I'm on my own
我所谓的亲密关系也结束了
and that my so-called relationship is over.
所以我要回去做
I'm gonna go back to doing
我最擅长的事情：木工
what I do best. Carpentry.
如果能自己做衣橱 谁还需要男人？
Who needs a man when you can build a dresser from scratch
对啊 可是你做得那么辛苦 应该要休息一下
Well, sure, but you deserve a break from all this hard work,
也许你可以自己逛一逛曼哈顿
and maybe it'd be nice to go take a trip into Manhattan
看场舞台剧表演什么的
on your own and see a theater show.
让路上一堆混♥蛋♥对我喊那句口头禅？
With every dick-weed on the street shouting my catchphrase at me
谢谢再联络
No, thanks.
喔…我是说你总得离开这个家吧？
Well, I mean,you have to leave the house at some point.
你不可能把自己关在家里
You can't be a total shut-in.
我没有关在家里 我是木工师♥傅♥
I'm not a shut-in. I'm a woodworker.
我在自己的工作室很快乐
And I'm happy in my workshop.
只要让我代替你 出门赚钱就好了是吧？
Well, as long as you've got me as your front man paying the bills.
你不喜欢这种做法的话可以随时辞职
Well, if you don't like the arrangement, you can always resign.
省略无聊的满汉大餐
Skip the boring five-course dinners
回去睡在你的车上
and go back to living in your car.
我帮你拿了一杯冰沙
I brought you a smoothie...
向你道歉 毕竟我刚才很可恶
to say I'm sorry for being such an asshole.
如果你想待在家里整天做家具
If you want to stay home and make furniture all day,
那就待在家里整天做家具吧
you should stay home and make furniture all day.
谢谢
Thanks.
对不起 我刚才讲话太没礼貌了…
Look, I'm sorry. It was really rude, what I said,
你一直对我很好
and you've been great.
你是我现在最好的朋友
You're basically the best friend I have right now.
敬我的好室友
Here's to you, roomie.
好室友
Roomie.
敬这把夏克教风格椅
To the Shakers.
敬他妈的夏克教风格椅子
To the motherfucking Shakers.
黑糖白兰咖 电影传奇 当代电影奖得主
我的书刚刚写完一半
So, I just passed the halfway mark on my book.
-恭喜 -谢谢
-Congratulations. -Yeah.
你猜今天酒吧的电视在播什么？
And guess what was playing on the TV at the bar today
你演的一部老片
An old movie of yours.
你演这个…
You played this
经常摔车的极限单车选手
BMXer who falls off her bike a lot.
《疯狂单车》吗？
Oh. BMX Blackout. Hmm.
其实挺好笑的
Well, it was actually pretty funny.
我笑了出来 虽然 大部分时候都听不到声音
I laughed despite the fact that I couldn't hear much of it.
前几天晚上我们见面时
Look, the other night, when we saw each other.
对于欺骗你的事 我真的很抱歉
I'm so sorry that I deceived you.
-我只是不想失去你 -拜托
-I just didn't want to lose you. -c'mon
别再说了
Look, you can stop.
其实我才应该向你道歉
The truth is, I owe you an apology.
我也有骗你
I lied to you, too.
我其实不叫史帝夫
My name isn't Steve.
我叫赖瑞
It's Larry.
我也不是之前所说的纽约人
And I'm not from New York, like I said.
我来自密西根州的安亚伯
I'm from Ann Arbor, Michigan.
基本上我犯了一个错…
Basically, I made a mistake, which, uh...
抱歉 我很久没说过这件事了
sorry, I haven't talked about this in a while.
好 实情是…
Um... okay.What happened was,
我朋友杰瑞和我在卡崔娜飓风后
my friend Jerry and I were doing Habitat for Humanity
去纽奥良投入盖房♥子的慈善活动…
in new Orleans after Katrina.And, uh, you know,
我们当时累得半死 需要休息 所以喝得烂醉
we were exhausted.We needed a break. So we got really drunk,
然后凌晨4点在路上闲逛
and we were wandering the streets at 4:00 in the morning,
我突然很想尿尿 所以我就尿了
and suddenly I need to pee really badly.And so
我一回头 发现有个老太太在拍我
I'm peeing, and I turn around,this old lady's taking a photo of me.
她叫警♥察♥过来 我因为行为不检被捕
And she calls the cops and I got arrested for disorderly conduct.
后来那张照片在网路上爆红…
And the photo ends up going viral
点阅次数大概1800万
and getting, like, 18 million hits.
-只因为你在路上尿尿？ -其实…
-For just pissing in the street -Well,
我有一个非常重要的小细节没说
I left out sort of an important little detail.
我当时并不晓得 因为天很黑 而且我醉醺醺的
Um, I didn't realize it at the time because it was dark and I was so drunk,
结果我其实尿在纽奥良市 纳粹大屠♥杀♥纪念碑上面
but it turns out that I was pissing on the new Orleans Holocaust Memorial.
-我的天啊！ -对 还有更惨的
- Oh, my God. - Yeah. And it gets worse.
你看一下那张照片
Here, just take a look at the photo.
要找很简单
It's pretty easy to find.
只要搜寻“赖瑞库伯” 就可以找到200万笔结果
Just Google "Larry Cooper"and, like, two million of these things come up.
你尿在一个小朋友身上
You're pissing on a child.
小朋友的雕像