艾伦秀 20150408 Amy.Schumer

有请艾伦·德杰尼勒斯上场
Here she is now, Ellen DeGeneres.
谢谢 谢谢大家
Thank you so much! Thank you so much!
谢谢你们
Hi! Thank you so much!
非常感谢
Oh boy! Thanks so much!
好的 大家请坐
Yeah! Right? Okay. Have a seat.
很感谢大家 你们真好
Thanks so much! That is so nice of you.
我也爱你们
Back at you. I feel the same way,
爱你们每一个人
about all of you, each everyone of you,
谢谢大家
thanks so much.
我也在对你们招手
I think I wave too, just about all of you.
我很肯定
I am pretty sure.
再近一点就会很奇怪了
Any closer, and than it is weird.
这么远招手很正常
It's... You can wave from this far,
要是距离太近了
and then but if you get too close,
会感觉怪怪的
it's so weird to wave to something just like that.
合适的招手距离 我觉得是六英尺
Suppose to be waving. I think it's 6 feet, that's the rule.
我也不知道
I don't know.
外面天很好 春天到了
Boy, oh boy, it's nice outside, it's spring.
你能看出来是春天
You can tell it's spring.
洛杉矶到处都能看到 春天的迹象
I am seeing the signs everywhere in Los Angeles.
草地从绿棕色 变成了棕绿色
The grass is turning from greenish-brown to brownish-green.
所以说
So,
这就是我今天的话题
here is what I want to talk about today.
你们知道话题是什么吗
You know what I wanna talk about?
才不告诉你 这是秘密
Well, can't tell you. It's mystery.
我喜欢有趣的秘密 你们呢
I love a good mystery, do you?
别告诉我 这是秘密
Don't tell me, it's a mystery.
故事发生在两周前
Our story began two weeks ago,
那是纯真年代
it was a simpler time.
泽恩还在单向乐队
Zayn was still in One Direction,
在印第安纳州 你还能在婚礼上吃披萨
and Indiana you can still have a pizza at weddings.
那是在星期二的晚上
It was Tuesday evening.
太太和我在起居室 我们在看书
The Mrs and I were in the our parlor, and we were reading.
起居室的意思是 客厅
By parlor, I mean living room.
阅读的意思是 看网飞剧
By reading, I mean watching Netflix.
反正最后 我们准备睡了
So anyway, we finally went to bed,
这时候 波西娅说了三个字
and that's when Portia said the three words
谁在睡觉前 都不想听到的三个字
that nobody wants hear when they are about to go to sleep.
啥声音
What's that sound?
是哔哔声
It was a beep.
不是烟雾报♥警♥器的声音
And it wasn't the smoke detector.
是很神秘的哔哔声 我也算听过很多种哔哔声了
It was a mysterious beep, and I have heard a lot of beeps.
但这种还真没听过
I... I have never heard this one.
我不知道这是什么东西发出来的
I didn't have beeping clue of what it was.
然后我的结论是
And here is what I learn.
根本不可能找到哔哔声的来源
It's impossible to find what's beeping,
因为现在几乎所有的东西都会哔哔响
because everything beeps nowadays. Everything!
几年之前 我家里唯一哔哔响的
A few years ago, the only thing beeps in my house
就是烟雾报♥警♥器
is smoke detector,
再就是我妈在放爵士乐
or when mom's jazzy was backing up.
她还有一大面旗子 所以你懂的
She has a big flag on it, so you can see.
现在得排除一切选项
Now you have to rule everything out,
我家的任何设备都会哔哔响
and every appliances in my house has a beep.
各种各样的哔哔声 叮叮声 啾啾声
So, so many different beeps, dings, chirps in my house.
讲个真事 上个星期一只麻雀飞到了我们家客厅
True story, last week, a sparrow flew into our living room,
想和我们家楼梯做♥爱♥
and tried to make love to our firmer steps.
回到神秘的哔哔声 我把所有房♥间转了个遍
Back to the mystery, so I looked every room,
大厅到"好厅"
the great room, the good room,
旱冰场 波西娅的旱冰场
the roller rink, Portia's roller rink.
我还是找不到声音来源
I couldn't find the beep,
就去厨房♥拿了杯水
so I went to the kitchen and get a glass of water.
我这才发现冰箱门没关好
And that's why I noticed the refrigerator door was opened,
被一个罐子卡住了
just a jar, as they would say.
开了一条小缝 我就去把门关了
Just a tiny bit, and I went to close it.
谜团解开了 原来是冰箱门在响
Mystery solved, and my refrigerator door was beeping.
很显然 我的冰箱
Apparently, my refrigerator
有个智能的门
comes with a "smart door technology"
你不关门 它就哔哔响
that beeps if you leave it up
能自己关门才是真正的智能
well I say it was really smart will it closed itself.
对吧
You know.
智能
Smart.
所以
So,
我就是这么解开的秘密 哔哔响的是冰箱
that's how I solve the mystery of my beeping fridge.
我不止一次想要去搞清楚
Two and next time, when I try to figure out
到底是冰箱哪部分在响
what's ting for blocking my freezer.
我还是不知道
I don't know.
现在我们跳舞吧
Right now, let's all dance, okay?
和特维奇打招呼吧 这位是特维奇
Say hi to Twitch everybody, that's Twitch over there.
你们是节目里飞翔的鹦鹉
You were parrot scoping before the show.
-我是节目里飞翔的鹦鹉 -观众喜欢这样
- I was parrot scoping before the show. - People I like that!
-你喜欢这样 这很酷 -相当欢乐啊
- You like it, yeah. It's very cool. - It's whole lots fun.
-那当然 -是啊
- Absolutely, - Yeah!
人们喜欢看见你 人们喜欢看见你
People love seeing you. They love seeing you.
我也喜欢他们 这是很棒的事
I love seeing them. I think it's a very cool thing to do.
欢迎回来 你是去了白宫吗
Welcome back. You went to the White House?
-是的 -很赞吧
- Yes. - How amazing was that?
我是说 很难以置信
I mean it was so incredible. It's... It's
它比你在电视里看到的更美
even more beautiful than they shoot it on TV.
虽说照片和材料里看过
You see pictures and stuff like that.
我离它越近
And the closer and closer I got to it,
就越觉得兴奋
the more excited I got.
但你就是进不去
And you just can't go in there,
除非背着他们悄悄进去
unless they don't know you go in there.
-你知道我的意思是 -知道
- You know what I mean like tho-? - Yeah.
只是不会这么做 对吧
Just don't do it. You know?
-这是你和第♥一♥夫♥人♥一起跳舞 -很显然
- Look at you with our First Lady. - Absolutely.
-我们的第♥一♥夫♥人♥多酷 -是啊
- How cool was our First Lady! I mean - Yep.
她人非常好
that she's amazing.
是 我们玩得很嗨
Yep, we had a blast.
我们前面的人也在跳
We see the crowd in front of us do it.
每个人都很尽兴 她让我们很欢乐
Everybody is having a blast. Ma'am it was so so much fun.
看她 她好像没停止过排练
Look at her. She has probably not stopped rehearsing
自从她
since way before...
她和我一起排练的 一直说
she rehearsed with me, acting like
天哪 排练时间不够了
"Oh I don't have time to rehearse"
所以她就一直在排练
That's all she does is rehearse that dance.
这次我将与她迎战
I'll take her on this time.
下次她来 我就和她一战高低
Next time she comes back, I'll know that dance by now.
-好的 -我很高兴你过得愉快
- Okay. Alright. - And I'm glad you had fun.
在此之前 我有一件事要说
Before we go any further, I have a...
我要声明一项法律问题
This is a legal issue that I wanna address right now.
这关系到你 特维奇
It affects.. It affects you, Twitch.
这真的关乎到我们每一个人
It affects all of us really.
看样子 泰勒•斯威夫特
Apparently Taylor Swift has
将她的几句歌♥词申请了版权
copyrighted a bunch of phrases from her songs.
比如歌♥词 "这节奏真带感"
Phrases like "This sick beat"
或者 "我们时尚时尚最时尚"
or "We never go out of style".
我们日常用的短语
Phrases everybody's been using.
这让我萌生了一个想法
And it gave me an idea.
每次节目最后
At the end of my show every day,
我都会说 "善待彼此 再见"
I say "Be kind to one another. Bye."
这是我的口头禅 是吧
So it's my catch phrase right?
既然我说了 "善待彼此 再见"
So since I say "Be kind to one another. Bye."
因此我决定对"再见"注册版权
I decided to copyright.. the copyright the phrase "Bye."
所以
So
"再见"是我的了
it's mine.
泰勒给了我这个想法
If you can do that, Taylor gave me that idea. So,
所以 从现在起你只要说了"再见"
from now on anytime you say the word "Bye"
或者 "下次再见" "再见吧" 只要有"再见"两个字
or "Goodbye" Or "Bye-bye" Or any kind of "Bye" Thing,
都用了我的版权 给我十美元
it's mine. Ten dollars.