蠢爸萌妈变错身（2022）

如果你不振作起来 你孩子就完蛋了
If you don't get your shit together, your baby is fucked.
这不怪我 我完全准备好了
This is not my fault. I am fully prepared.
她很棒
She's very good.
这是怎么发生的
How did this happen?
说真的
Exactly?
我们上了床
We had great sex.
他 额
Uh, He's, um,
是男妓 避孕套破了 我不在安全期
an escort and the condom broke, out of time date.
等等 你花钱睡他
Wait, you've paid for this?
无意冒犯
I mean, no of fence.
她给小费也很大方
She has a good tip too,
还给好评
and a good review.
试试这样
Just try this,
如果你眯起眼睛
If you squint,
费力去看
hard,
他看起来会像那些
it kind of looks like one of those guys
俗气的浪漫小说里的人物
on those cheesy, romance novels
骑着白马
and then the horse...
没看到啊
Didn't kind of see it?
再来一次
Again?
法比奥的朋友
Of friend Fabio.
没错
Yes.
对 对 正是如此
Yes. Yes, exactly.
朋友
A friend.
好的
Okay.
菲利普
Philippe,
丽莉希望你能
Lily would like you to be
更多地参与计划
more involved in the planning.
你对她有什么需要
What do you need from her?
我想让她放松一下
I would like her to relax.
怎么放松 你要伤害我们的孩子
How? Could I relax when you were gonna
我能放松吗
fuck up our child.
我不会伤害小菲利普的
I will not fuck baby Philippe.
不准这样叫他
We're not calling him that.
为什么不
Why not?
因为我宁愿叫我们的孩子
Because I would rather call our baby.
小希♥特♥勒♥ 也不叫你的名字
Baby Hitler, than name after you.
小希♥特♥勒♥ -对
Baby Hitler? - Yeah.
你只是在不高兴那些山羊
You are just upset because of the goats.
山羊
The goats?
他 额
He, um...
他想在牧羊场抚养我们的孩子
he wants to raise our kid on a goat farm.
他认为那些山羊会教他生活中
He thinks that the goats will teach him, everything
需要知道的一切知识
that he needs to know in life.
菲利普 那不是糖
Philippe, that's not a candy,
那是石头 吐出来
it's a marble. Spit it out.
不
Nope.
抱歉
Sorry.
我有个东西可以帮上忙
I have something that can help.
魔法箱
A magic box?
对 魔法箱
Yes, a Magic Box.
只有在最特殊的情况下我才会拿出来
I only bring this one out for my most special cases.
对不起 这是什么
I'm sorry. What is this?
打开吧
Open it.
一起
Together.
哦 你们抽到了木屋
Oh, you got the cabin.
我爱大自然
I love nature.
我不喜欢大自然
I don't do nature.
没事的 丽莉
It's okay Lily.
这个地方可以满足你们的需要
This place has a way of giving you exactly what you need.
但你们任何事都要一起做
But you do have to do everything, together.
相信我
Trust me.
只用在那里待一个周末
Just spend a weekend here.
你们会以全新的眼光看待对方
You'll see each other in a whole new light.
我保证
I guarantee it.
谢谢你 魔法治疗师
Thank you, magical therapist.
作为父母 有些重要的事情
There's some important things you need to know
你需要知道
as a parent.
第一 婴儿床
Number 1, the crib.
婴儿床可能是婴儿的避风港
The crib could be a safe haven for the baby,
但如果你不加注意 也可能会扼杀婴儿
but it can strangle the baby if you're not careful.
你听到没 菲利普
Did you hear that, Philippe?
没有
No.
菲利普 那是啥
Philippe, what is that?
这是个玩具
Oh, it's a do ink.
我给小菲利普准备的
I got this for baby Philippe.
我想他会很有音乐天赋
He's going to be very musical. I think.
我真的需要你听听这个
I really need you to listen to this.
也许你应该听听这个
Maybe you should listen to this.
第二 你屋子里的下一个东西
Number 2, the next thing you've stay in your house
就是电子媒介
is electronic medium.
拜托
Come on.
能请你扔掉它吗
Could you just get rid of it, please?
你不想成为音乐家吗 比如
You don't want to be a musician like, uh,
布鲁斯·斯普林斯汀 或塞缪尔·杰克逊
Bruce Springsteen or Samuel Jackson.
我想我们会给他一架真钢琴 好吗
I think we'll just give him a real piano. Okay?
不
No!
永别了 小菲利普的玩具
Au revoir, baby Philippe's toy.
我们不这么叫他 我要你专心点
We're not calling him that. I need you to focus.
第三 你也不能吃
Thirdly, you also cannot eat
甘草或软芝士
licorice or soft cheeses.
看吧 这对我们两个都是很有用的信息
See, this is very good information for the both of us.
我不知道你不能吃布里干酪
I didn't know that you couldn't have brie and..
你不知道我之前打算
You have no idea of the massive amounts of bries that
买♥♥多少布里干酪
I would have consumed before...
你在干什么
what are you doing?
没什么 我拿到了
Nothing. I got it.
那是什么
What is that?
没什么
It is nothing.
到底是啥
What is this?
致幻蘑菇
Magic mushrooms?
致幻蘑菇
Magic mushrooms!
也许是
Uh, maybe?
呵
Huh.
第四个会害死你孩子的东西
The fourth thing that can kill your baby
就是屋子里的毒品
is drugs in the house.
等等 等等
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
好吧
Alright.
我们都不在屋子里
We are not even in the house.
还有这不是毒品
...Okay, and it is not a drug.
这是种药
It is medicine.
你看起来很紧张
You seem very tense.
是
Yeah.
噢
Owhh...
这样如何
How is this?
你需要放松
You need to relax.
我真的需要放松下
I really need to relax.
对不起
I'm sorry.
我知道你觉得我不上心
I know you think, I don't take this serious
但我向你保证 我对此非常认真
but I assure you I take this very, very serious.
他也是我的孩子
It's my baby too.
治疗师说了 我和你
And the therapist said, you and I are supposed
应该互相了解
to get to know each other.
这样好点吗
Is this good?
嗯
Yeah?
还不错
It is nice.
好 我觉得我们真的可以好好了解对方
Yes, and I think we can really get to know each other really well,
用致幻蘑菇深入了解
in a deep way with magic mushrooms.
嗯
Mmm..
好吗
Right?