蠢蛋进化论

是啊
Yeah.
你还逼我上车 混♥蛋♥ 我已经有两个指控了
And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole!
弗里托 右柺 右边 右边
Frito, take a right here. Right, right!
开到沙尘暴里去 弗里托
Into that dust storm, Frito.
他们肯定忘了我们了
They must have just forgotten about us.
已经过了500年了 天啊
It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, noI
阿普格瑞德会杀了我的 我迟一天还钱他都要发怒
Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money!
你欠你男朋友钱
So, you owe your boyfriend money?
是啊 他也可以说是我老板
Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too.
他帮我卖♥♥我的画什么的
You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit.
丽塔
Look, Rita,
你要知道现在阿普格瑞德已经死了很久了
you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.
-是啊 可你不是说有时间机器的吗 -是的
-Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? -Yeah.
是啊 有个时间机器 能把我们带回到过去...
Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past...
但是过去没有时间机器 所以...
but there was no time machine back then, so-
阿普格瑞德可不管什么时候有时间机器
Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is.
不管是现在 过去 上个礼拜...
Now, then, last week-
他都会想法子弄到他的钱的
He will find a way to come get his money!
-我的意思就是说你不要去担心...-你知道吗
-All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it--You know what?
上次你让我不要担心是他妈的500年前了...
Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago...
你那时候劝我躺到一个棺材里去
when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin.
丽塔 我也不知道会变成这样子的 好吗
Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay?
但我在尽最大努力让我们回到过去了 好吗 我保证
But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you.
你载有一名名为"不确定"的逃犯
You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
请靠边停车 等候警方来逮捕你的乘客
Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger.
-我的老天 让我出去 -谢谢你的合作
-Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. -Thank you for your help.
如果你没有这个的话 他们就会把你关到牢里去
If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail.
你不会想去这里的大牢的 我就去过
You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them.
很糟糕 你最好跟着我们 尽管听起来也很糟糕
They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds.
-你在干吗 我们怎么减速了 -没电了
-What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? -Turned off my battery.
还有多远 我们能不能坐出租车过去
Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something?
我♥操♥
Oh, shit.
我♥操♥啊
Oh! Oh, shit!
你有毛病吧 那可是你的车
What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car.
是啊 我知道 真够劲爆的
Oh, hell,yeahI He's on fireI
快 我们快离开这儿
Come on! Let's get out of here.
喂 还有多远啊
Hey, how much farther is it?
还有...很远
Uh, it's, like, far.
真想去星巴克买♥♥杯咖啡喝啊
Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?
乔 我可不觉得我们有时间去打飞机...
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job,Joe.
伙计 他看起来不太聪明 你确定他知道怎么走
Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going?
我当然希望如此 他是我们的唯一机会了
I sure hope so. He's our only chance.
你怎么会搭上这个家伙的
How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?
他是我的律师 不过不是个好律师
He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either.
他是个他妈的白♥痴♥
He's a goddamned idiot.
好市多那里有班车
There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
能带我们去时间机器那地方
It'll drop us right by the time machine.
上帝保佑 对了 还有件事儿
Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing.
他以为带我们去到那里 他就能拿到几十亿美元
He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there.
所以如果他提到帐户什么的 别露出马脚 知道没
So if he mentions anything about a savings account,just play along, okay?
如果这时间机器用不了呢
Yeah, what if this time machine don't work?
那我花我这下半辈子修好它
Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it.
欢迎光临好市多 我爱你 欢迎光临好市多 我爱你
Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you.
欢迎光临好市多 我爱你
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
班车在电子区那边 从这里过去大概一个小时
Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here.
我们走了没完没了的 你确定往哪边去
We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going?
是啊 我对那地方很熟的 我上的法学院就在那边
Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.
在好市多里面
In Costco?
我都不敢相信自己
Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself.
我运气好 我爸爸也是那里毕业的
Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
然后帮我拉了点关系
and pulled some strings.
喂 快点 乔 我和你说过了...
Hey, come on,Joe. I already told you...
我们都喜欢打飞机 但是我们现在没时间
we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it.
宝贝 想玩玩吗
Hey, baby, wanna go out?
想玩玩吗 亲爱的
Wanna go out, honey?
几分钟就有一班车的 不用等太久
Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long.
我来得及上趟厕所吗
Do I got time to use the bathroom?
-哈 厕所 -我一会儿就回来
Uh, the toilet. -Be right back.
是啊 扭着那个东西回来
Yeah, back that thing up.
-嘿 乔你介意我♥干♥那个吗 -什么
-Hey, you mind if I pound on that,Joe? -What?
-我喜欢和小妞做♥爱♥ -是么
-I like having sex with chicks. -Yeah?
-是啊 -弗里托 我认为谁都喜欢
-Yeah. -I think everybody does, Frito.
不像我这种喜欢 就像这样做 侧面的
Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways.
然后你这样倒过来 再然后你再...
Then you just, like, back it up. And then you-
-真不赖 -然后你...噢耶
-That's real good. -Then you-Oh,yeahI
快停下 你这样我们会被抓的 懂吗
Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay?
警告 警告
WarningI WarningI
好市多在16702号♥通道发现一个危险的在逃犯
Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 1 6,7 02.
嘿 丽塔怎么办 我们不能就这么撇下她
Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here.
我不管 快点
I don't care. Come on!
啊 该死 等一下 我们怎么办
Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?
等等 好了 我知道了 我们这么办
Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do.
我们找到时间机器 然后等我回到过去之后...
We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past...
我就去告诉她不要参加那次实验
I tell her not to do the experiment.
-这样她就不会出现在这了 对吧 -呃...
-Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? -Uh-
-不 等等 -请不要站在门口
-No, wait. -Please stand clear of the doors.
她已经在这了 这也就意味着
She already is here. That must mean
我没有及时地赶回去 对吧
I didn't go back in time, right?
呃...
Uh-
不 等一下 这只是意味着我还没回去罢了
No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet.
好的 那么我回去然后 告诉她不要参加那次实验
Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment.
那我也就不用参加了 因为她不会出现在这
Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here.
-这样我就不用回来救她了 对吧 -我...
-Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? -I-
-不过 等等 那我为什么还在这 -呃...
-But then, wait. Why am I still here? -Uh-
该死 这个时间旅行怎么才能管用呢
Goddamn, how does this time travel work?
-请离开车门 -别动 举起手来 不要动
-Please stand clear. -Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!
-举起手来 -不许动 别动
-Put your hands up! -Don't move! Freeze!
瞧 如果你们打算把我送回那个 监狱的话...
Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail...
那还不如直接给我一枪 因为我不可能...
just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way-
啊 妈的 啊 啊
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
-什么 -啊 啊 啊 啊
-What? -Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.
什么
What?
-啊 上帝啊 嘿 住手 -可恶
OwI GodI Hey, stopI -Damn it.
-这是哪 -好了 先生 这里是白宫
-What is this? -Okay, sir, this is the White House.
-我们来白宫干嘛 -什么
-What are we doing at the White House? -What?
啊 啊 该死的
OwI OwI GoddamnI
事实是乔的智商测试结果...
It turned out the results ofJoe's I.Q. test...
引起了政♥府♥高♥官♥们的注意
had caught the attention of the highest levels of government.
好吧 等一下 我是全世界最聪明的人 谁说的
Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who?
你在监狱里做的智商测试结果显示的
The I.Q. test you took in prison.
你的分数是有史以来最高的 小卡尔为您奉上
You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Carl's Jr 一家连锁快餐店
是啊 傻蛋 你甚至比卡马乔总统还聪明
Yeah, dumb ass,you're even smarter than President Camacho.
这就是为什么他让你当内政部长
That's how come he's making you secretary of interior.
好吧 那你是谁
Okay, so who are you?
我是能源部长
I'm the secretary of energy.
他赢了一场竞赛 所以就成了内阁的成员
He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member.
我是国务卿 小卡尔为您奉上
I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
你为什么老说那句话
Why do you keep saying that?
因为我每说一次他们都会付我钱
'Cause they pay me every time I do.
这是一个挣钱的好办法
It's a really good way to make money.
你这么聪明为什么不知道这个
You're so smart, why don't you know that?
-他是国防部长 -嗨
-He's the secretary of defense. -Hi.
还有 呃 那边那个大♥波♥妹是司法部长
And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general.
嗨
Hi.
那位是教♥育♥部♥长
And that's the secretary of education.
他有点傻 不过他是卡马乔 总统同父异母的哥哥
He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother.
不过他干的还不赖 是吧
Still, he does a pretty good job, eh?
知道吗 我认为一定是有某种误会...
You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake...
因为我做的那个测试非常 非常的简单
'cause the test I took was real, real easy.
我并不是世界上最聪明的人 好吗