蠢蛋进化论

在21世纪伊始...
As the 21st century began...
人类的进化走到了一个转折点
human evolution was at a turning point.
"物竞天择" 是一个最强壮 最聪明
Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest...
最迅速的物种 比其他物种繁衍出更多后代的过程
the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest...
这曾经是一个钟爱人的过程
a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man...
然而它现在开始钟爱于其它...
now began to favor different traits.
乔伊·巴特福奥克一案...
TheJoey Buttafuoco case-
当前大部分的科幻小说都预测我们的未来会更文明
Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized...
更充满智慧
and more intelligent.
但随着时间推逝 情况似乎在往完全相反的方向发展
But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.
一落千丈
A dumbing down.
怎么会出现这样的情况
How did this happen?
进化不一定是在智力方面
Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.
由于没有天敌来控制种群数量
With no natural predators to thin the herd...
进化体现在了生殖一方面...
it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most...
而有智慧的人则成了濒危物种
and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.
生孩子是一个非常重要的决定
Having kids is such an important decision.
我们只是在等待合适的时机
We're just waiting for the right time.
显而易见这种事情是急不来的
It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.
急不来
No way.
操 我有怀孕了
Oh, shit, I'm pregnant againI
操 我的孩子太多了
Shit! I got too many damn kids!
-我以为你已经吃了避孕药什么的 -我可没有
-I thought you was on the pill or some shit! -Hell, no!
操 我做的时候肯定想的是小甜甜
Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany.
小甜甜 你敢
Brittany? No, you didn't!
-现在我们不可能生孩子 -不可能
-There's no way we could have a child now. -Mm-mm.
在当前的市场状况下 不可能
Not with the market the way it is, no.
不 上帝 那根本不行
God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense.
有种过来 婊♥子♥ 他可不在乎你
Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you!
是吗 我这里肯定有什么他喜欢的东西
Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here.
-宝贝她对我来说什么都不是
-Clevon! -She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! -Clevon!
操 不是我♥干♥的 不是我
Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
我们终于决定要生孩子了...
Well, we finally decided to have children...
我不针对谁 但是进展不顺利
and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.
这可帮上大忙了
And this is helping.
我只是说在我试管实验之前 你也应该...
I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to-
永远是我的错 是不是
It's always me, right?
至少我没有精♥子♥可以犯错
Well, it's not my sperm count.
我要把你们全都操了
Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all!
那是我的孩子
That's my boy!
噢 噢
Whoo! Whoo!
凯文能活下来已是万幸
Clevon is lucky to be alive.
他试图骑着水上摩托从一个湖跳到
He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake...
一个游泳池里去的时候 把胯下卡在了一个铁闸上...
into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.
当多亏最近阴♥茎♥细胞研究的进展
But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research...
以及克里斯蒂医生和阿尔丘勒医生的努力...
and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler...
凯文完整地恢复了生殖能力
Clevon should regain full reproductive function.
把你的手拿开
Get your hands off my junk!
非常不幸 特雷弗因为心脏病突发而去世...
Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack...
当时他正在自♥慰♥...
while masturbating...
准备为人工授精用的精♥子♥
to produce sperm for artificial insemination.
但是我已经冷藏了一些卵子...
But I have some eggs frozen...
所以只要白马王子出现 就可以...
so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know-
就这样一代接着一代...
And so it went for generations...
尽管少到可以忽略不计
although few, if any, seemed to notice.
但2005年 在华盛顿特区郊外的一个军事基地里
But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C....
一个普通的军队图书馆管♥理♥员♥正在默默的
a simple army librarian was unknowingly...
改变全人类的的历史
about to change the entire course ofhuman history.
快点 混球 快 把他关进去
Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!
嗨 鲍尔
Hey, Bauers.
这是彼得森 你新的继任者
This is Peterson, your new replacement.
我的什么 我被调配了
My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
没错哦 他们没告诉你吗
Yeah, they didn't tell you?
-没有 -有一些新任务
-No. -Some new assignment.
他们对之神神秘秘的
They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.
我可不要什么新任务 我一直这么和梅茨勒军士说的
I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
-我很擅长这个 -擅长哪个 坐着不动
-I'm good at this. -Good at what? Sittin' on ass?
根本没人来这里
No one ever comes in here.
我知道 正好适合我 没人来烦我 我惹不上事儿
Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
我再这样待上八年 就可以拿到养老金了
If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension.
我就安逸了 你能不能帮我推掉这事儿
I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?
不能 这次不可能 上头直接下来的命令
No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.
天啊 我搞不懂了 为什么是我
Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?
每次梅茨勒都说
Every time Metsler says,
"要么带头 要么跟上 要么就滚开"
'Lead, follow, or get out of the way,'
我这次选"滚开"
I get out of the way.
他这么说的时候 你可不应该选"滚开"
When he says that, you're not supposed to choose 'get out of the way.'
那是用来激你去带头 或者至少要跟上
It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.
对我不起作用
That doesn't embarrass me.
乔 你别无选择
Look,Joe. You don't have a choice.
你必须得跟上
You're just gonna have to follow.
例如 跟我上楼 例如 现在
Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.
现在 我难道不要培训一下这个小子吗
Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?
我想他不用培训也会"坐着不动然后成天看电视"
I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day.
我们走
Let's go.
先生们 这就是乔·鲍尔
Gentlemen, meetJoe Bauers...
人类冬眠计划的第一位试验者
our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment.
众所皆知 这些年来
Now, as you know, throughout the years...
许多我们优秀的飞行员 士兵和军官
many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders...
一辈子都没有见到过战争
often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.
依助人类冬眠计划 我们就能保存我们最优秀的人才
With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men...
在他们的黄金时期将他们冷冻 以备用时之需
frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most.
乔 这位 并不是最优秀的之一
Joe, here, is not one of our best men.
选用鲍尔先生是因为他实在是够平凡
Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.
不管在哪方面都是 非常以及非常以及非常的平凡
Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly.
是全军中最平凡的人
The most average person in our entire armed forces.
除此之外 他没有家人 未婚
Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried...
是独子 双亲都已经过世...
is an only child, and both parents are deceased...
所有这一切造就他成为一个完美试验品
making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions...
假若实验出错也无人会过问他的情况
should something go wrong with the experiment.
我们在军中没能找到
We had a little less luck in finding
理想的女性试验者
a female researcher's dream within our ranks...
所以我们只好去民间搜寻
and were forced to look into the private sector.
这是丽塔 和乔一样 她没有直系家属
This is Rita. LikeJoe, she has no immediate family.
丽塔同意参加这个实验
Rita agreed to participate in this experiment...
来换取对她某项犯罪指控的撤销和一小笔钱
in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
然而我们不得不和她的皮条客商量...
We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp...
是一位名叫阿普格瑞德的先生 他的名字这么拼
a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-
有两个D 因为他说他是双重皮条客
With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.
阿普格瑞德同意把丽塔租给我们正好一年
Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year...
并对此保密 但条件是
and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways...
让当地政♥府♥少找他做皮肉生意的麻烦
with the local authorities in running his pimp game.
然后我们一开始很难取得他的信任
First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
柯林斯 我们可以跳过这些细节吗
Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?
当然 让我先把这里说完
Sure. Let me just finish here.
如你所见 皮条客的爱情非常的不寻常
You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.
柯林斯
Collins!
好吧 我们接着说
Fine. We'll move on.
不管怎样 那是个美妙的世界
It is a fascinating world though.
天啊 柯林斯
Jesus, Collins.
是的 那是
Yeah, that's
不管怎样 这二人要参加的实验是
Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects...
用干冰冷冻...
are to be placed into a dry freeze...
整整一年 明天就启动
for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow.
你们知道 这时高度机密的
As you know, this is highly classified.
假如实验成功 我们相信人类可以被无限期的保存
However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.
这很疯狂 不是吗
So this is kinda crazy, huh?
-你在哪支部队 -我不是当兵的
-What unit are you with? -Oh, I ain't in the service.
哦 民间来的 好吧
Oh, private sector. Okay.
-那 你是做哪一行的 -这个做做 那个做做
-So, uh, what do you do? -A little of this, a little of that.