2021去死（2021）

坦尼森 你希望我们 在字幕中如何称呼你？
Tennyson, how do you want us to refer to you in the captions?
这就开始了啊
Oh, here we go.
估计你们想知道 我更喜欢人们怎么称呼我
I expect you want to know my preferred pronouns.
但一个都没有
Well, I don't have any.
我一个都没有 我不玩那些虚的
I don't have any. I do not dance the wokey-cokey.
所以你们怎么称呼我都可以
So you can call me whatever you like.
我就是想问问是否需要 在你的名字后名加“大英帝国勋章”
Oh, I was just checking whether we should put OBE after your name.
不 你应该加上 其实 你必须要加上
No, you should. You must, in fact.
2021年 让2020年看起来像是前篇的一年
2021, a year that made 2020 feel like a mere prequel
也要比历史上任何一年更离奇
and more bizarre than any previous year in the history of years.
我在参加直播 这不算什么…我不是一只猫
I'm here live. It's nothing… I'm not a cat.
大家好 -普通人史无前例地接触到学者…
What's up? -With unprecedented access to academics…
我可爱吗？
Am I lovely?
记者…
…journalists…
这个台灯的碳足迹是多少？
So what's the carbon footprint of that lamp?
有线新闻台的意见领袖…
…cable news opinionators…
拜托！那个野牛人好性感
Come on! The bison guy was hot.
他那么火♥辣♥
He was hot.
身价几十亿的技术大亨
…billionaire tech moguls…
这是地球水吗？ -对
Is that Earth water? -Yes.
科学家
…scientists…
开始之前我先打一针辉瑞疫苗
Just a little bit of Pfizer before we start.
网红
…influencers…
我可以边拍边玩抖音 对吧？
It's okay if I Tik-Tok while we do this, right?
文化评论员 -我的真实想法吗？
…cultural commentators… -What I actually think?
你希望我成为2022年 第一个被炒掉的人？
You want me to be the first to be canceled in 2022?
以及普通公民
…and average citizens.
我首先是一个妈妈 首先是美国人
Well, I am a mom first and an American first.
就是这个顺序
In that order.
真的很痛 对吧？
Ooh! It really hurts, don't it?
我又捅错头了
Oh, I've used the wrong end again.
这是由亲历者讲述的
This is the story of 2021,
2021年的故事 听众也是这一年的亲历者
told by those who were there to viewers, who were also there.
这就是《再也不见 2021》
This is Death to 2021.
（2021年）
（唐纳德J特朗普 让美国继续伟大！）
（2020 东京）
（别给我们的孩子扎针 疫苗会害死人）
（1月1日）
2021年带着一丝乐观主义开局
2021 opens on a note of optimism.
一众令人咂嘴的新疫苗
A range of lip-smacking new vaccines
承诺将新冠疫情从持续的灾难
promises to transform the COVID pandemic from an ongoing crisis
变成被抑制的沉痛记忆
to a repressed traumatic memory.
朝气蓬勃的政♥治♥煽动者 乔拜登
And youthful political firebrand Joe Biden
打算入主白宫 治好分♥裂♥的美国
is poised to enter the White House and heal a divided America.
我们同舟共济 共克时艰
Together, we can get this done.
但乐观主义并没有持续多久
But the optimism doesn't last long.
（华盛顿特区）
美♥利♥坚♥！美♥利♥坚♥！
USA! USA!
一群暴徒受到特朗普总统 大选欺诈的错误煽动
A mob congeals in the Washington District of Columbia,
（停止偷窃）
我们不可能输掉乔治亚州 绝不可能
There's no way we lost Georgia, there's no way.
这次大选有人作弊
That was a rigged election.
他的言论得到了麾下媒体同谋 亦步亦趋的追随
…claims slavishly echoed by his media accomplices.
唐纳德特朗普绝对碾压了乔拜登
Donald Trump absolutely crushed Joe Biden.
七千五百万人
Seventy-five million people
在11月3日再次投票给了 唐纳德J特朗普
re-elected Donald J. Trump on November 3rd.
这真的是针对唐纳德特朗普的作弊
It really was rigged against Donald Trump.
（麦迪逊麦迪逊 《我只是提出疑问》）
特朗普弥天大谎的最大喉舌 电视台节目主持人麦迪逊麦迪逊
One of the loudest trumpets of Trump's big lie: broadcaster Madison Madison.
无政♥府♥主义恐♥怖♥分♥子♥ 是否伪装成投票机
Did Antifa terrorists infiltrate the count in Arizona
渗透了亚利桑那州的计票？
disguised as voting machines?
为特朗普而战！为特朗普而战！
Fight for Trump! Fight for Trump!
局势要演变成一场空前巨大的冲突
It was shaping up to be a clash of really epic proportions.
（坦尼森福斯 大英帝国勋章获得者 历史学家）
也就是伏地魔把所有的食死徒 派去攻击魔法学校
When Lord Voldemort set every single Death Eater to attack the school
保卫自己最后一个魂器… -这不是哈利波…
and defend his final Horcruxes-- But isn't that Harry Po…
请继续 -谢谢
Do go on. -Thank you.
当然了 特朗普的支持者
Of course, Trump's supporters believed
认为阻止“深层政♥府♥” 摧毁民♥主♥的唯一方式
that the only way to stop the "deep state" from destroying democracy
就是他们自己先摧毁它
was by destroying it themselves first.
我们要反抗
And we fight.
我们要拼命反抗 如果不这样
We fight like hell, and if you don't fight like hell,
我们的国家就会不复存在
you're not going to have a country anymore.
全球媒体密切关注他们的一举一动
With the world's media eagerly following their every move,
暴♥动♥者涌入国会山
the rioters stormed the Capitol,
打算阻止副总统 认证选举人团的选票
aiming to prevent the Vice President certifying the Electoral College votes,
迈克彭斯平日里很擅长 这类毫无意义的仪式性角色
one of the meaningless ceremonial roles Mike Pence usually excels at.
那天在华盛顿
In Washington that day,
《华盛顿记者报》 老牌记者斯努克奥斯汀如是说
veteran Washington correspondent Snook Austin.
（官方媒体 斯努克奥斯汀）
我从未见过任何… …任何比1月6日的华盛顿更疯狂的事
I've never seen anything, anything, as crazy in D.C. as January 6th.
（驻华盛顿记者）
我在华盛顿也是老资历了 我经历了水门事件
And I go back a long way in D.C. I saw Watergate.
我见证了克♥林♥顿♥的射♥精♥
I witnessed Clinton's ejaculation.
布♥什♥对佐德下跪时 我就在那个房♥间里
I was in the room when Bush knelt before Zod.
但这一次真的非比寻常
But this was something else.
介于暴♥动♥和黑猩猩茶话会之间
A cross between a violent insurrection and a chimps' tea party.
既吓人又愚蠢 就像木偶重新打响了越战
Terrifying and stupid, like a Muppet reboot of the Vietnam War.
革命情况被电视实况转播
The revolution is televised and live-streamed
还通过大量混乱的手♥机♥片段直播出来
in a blizzard of chaotic cell phone footage.
我觉得1月6日事件太给力了
I thought January 6th was wonderful.
太鼓舞人心了 看到如此多公民 参与到民♥主♥中来
Just so inspiring to see so many citizens engaging with their democracy.
我觉得如果你这么在意
I just think if you care that much,
那就应该得到管理国家的机会 有何不可呢？
you should get a shot at running the country. Why not?
我们在国会山 -我们真的在国会山 兄弟
We're in the Capitol. -We're in the fucking Capitol, bro.
那些暴♥动♥者既是良民 也是暴民
The rioters are simultaneously bad and good citizens,
他们一边犯罪 但又同时完全拍下
committing crime, yet comprehensively self-shooting the evidence
随后能给自己定罪的证据
that could later convict them of it.
（德里克埃文斯 活动家 脸书）
我能跟佩洛西说话吗？
Can I speak to Pelosi?
对 我们要找你去了 贱♥人♥！
Yeah, we're coming, bitch!
迈克彭斯？我们也会找你算账 你这该死的叛徒！
Oh, Mike Pence? We're coming for you too, fucking traitor!
其中有一头伪装成人类的野牛
One of them was a bison who disguised himself as a human.
自♥由♥！
Freedom!
它抗♥议♥或许是因为 野牛现在还没有投票权 对吧？
He was probably protesting because bison still don't have the vote, do they?
（杰玛奈瑞克 普通英国公民）
即便可以 它们的蹄子也永远拿不住铅笔吧
Even if they did, they'd never be able to hold the pencil in their hooves.
这里是我们的家 这是我们的国家
This is our house. This is our country.
我看着事态一步步演变 就像所有的美国人那样 我吓坏了
I watched it unfold, and like every American, I was horrified.
但你其实在现场？-在国会山？
But you were actually there, weren't you, in the Capitol?
（凯西弗拉沃斯 普通的美国妈妈）
我在吗？
Was I there?
那是你的清晰片段
That's clear footage of you.
对 我当时也在
Yeah, I was there.
但我只是去进行和平支持
But I was only there to lend peaceful support.
出来 彭斯！你这个娘炮！
Come on out, Pence! You fucking pussy!
我只是在以美国公民的身份
I was simply exercising my freedom of speech
行使言论自♥由♥权
as a US American.
那你把自己的屎抹在墙上 也是行使权利吗？
And also your right to smear your own shit on walls?
我是在写字 那其实也算是一种言论
I was writing. Which also counts as speech, actually.
局势有点失控
Things got a little wild,
但身为改变世界的一份子 那感觉太爽了
but it felt great to be a part of something that could change the world.
我觉得这就是我们这代人的 伍德斯托克音乐节
You know, I think that this was really my generation's Woodstock.
尽管我根本不知道 伍德斯托克音乐节是什么
Um, although I don't actually know what a Woodstock is.
在死亡和破坏之后 特朗普终于叫停了他那糊涂的跟班
Finally, after death and destruction, Trump calls off his confused minions.
我们要和平 大家回家吧 我们爱你们 你们很特别
We have to have peace, so go home. We love you. You're very special.
他说“回家吧”
He says, "Go home."
唐纳德特朗普让所有人回家
Donald Trump just asked everybody to go home.
我们要留下来
We're staying.
好啊 那就他妈的留下来 我才不在乎
Okay, then stay, motherfucker. I don't give a shit.
在随后的余波中 被刨根问题的媒体逼问时
In the aftermath, when pushed by an inquiring media,
很多参与者无法条理分明 或条理不分地解释自己的行为
many involved cannot explain their actions coherently or incoherently.
起诉谁或起诉什么的 那些跟我毫无关系
I had nothing to do with charging anybody or anything or any of that.
（在美国国会山被逮捕的本地人）
我只是在错误的时间去了错误的地方
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
我深切后悔自己的行为
I deeply regret my actions.
它们并不能反映我是个怎样的人 或怎样的美国人