我的吸血鬼老板（2015）

谁TM会做这个?
Who the fuck would do this?
马♥克♥思♥
Max.
马♥克♥思♥ 你个混球
Max. You fucking asshole.
哦 尼玛!
Oh fuck!
哦 快点
Oh, come on
阿曼达 阿曼达 是我 我在办公室
Amanda. Amanda, it's me. I'm at the office.
我刚看见安卓被杀了
I just saw Andrew get killed.
现在他们想杀我 我想是马♥克♥思♥
And now they're after me, and I think it's Max.
哦 天啊 伙计 这真伤我感情
Oh, gosh, buddy. That hurts my feelings.
我相信阿曼达在一场危机中会表现的很棒
I'm sure Amanda is great in a crisis,
但是你不觉着打911是个更好的选择吗?
but don't you think this call is more suited to 911?
你对阿曼达做了什么?
What have you done with Amanda?
我只是吃了她美味的小牛肉
I just devoured her fabulous Ossobuco.
谁知道曼迪在厨房♥里那么恐怖?
Who knew Mandy was such a demon in the kitchen?
只要是红的绝对要再开一瓶
Absolutely open another bottle as long as it's red.
什么?
What?
马♥克♥思♥ 你个混♥蛋♥ 你听好!
Max, you son of a bitch. You listen to me, right now!
-哦 尼妹! -我刚听见砰砰的声音了吗?
- Oh, fuck! - Do I hear banging?
在你那头 我是说 我这边还没有碰撞的声音
On your end. I mean, there's no banging happening here, yet.
等等 你在讲我的电♥话♥?
Wait, are you on my phone?
艾文想告诉我们
It's Evan calling to tell us
他对明天的展示会很有信心
he's absolutely crushing the presentation tomorrow.
你想跟他聊聊吗?
Do you want to talk to him?
哦 不 不用了
Uh, no. No, it's okay.
阿曼达!
Amanda!
抱歉了 兄弟 你还是要跟我谈
Sorry, buddy. You're stuck with me.
尼妹 马♥克♥思♥! 我发誓
God damn it, Max. I swear to God
如果你敢碰她一根手指
if you lay one finger on her...
我想你最好关注你自己的问题 兄弟
I think you better focus on your own problems, bro.
我会向阿曼达转达你的问好
But I'll give Amanda your best.
实际上 我会给她我的
Actually, I'll give her mine.
-马♥克♥思♥ 别 -这样更好
- Max, no. - It's better.
马♥克♥思♥ 尼玛!
Max! Fuck!
尼玛尼玛尼玛!
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck!
这状况还是打911 哈?
Situation is suited for 911, huh?
去你妈! 这真蠢
Fuck it. That was stupid.
好吧 我们到哪了?
All right. Where were we?
"我们现在到哪了"
"Where are we?"
是个更相关的问题
Is the more pertinent question.
-什么? -你
- What? - You...
眼睛很漂亮
have beautiful eyes.
哦 我们该开始了
Uh, we should get started.
我们有整个公♥司♥要管 所以
We have the whole company to get through, so...
难道我不知道吗
Don't I know it.
啊!
Ah!
嘿 泰德 哦
Hey, Ted. Oww.
介意解释一下吗
Mind explaining yourself?
泰德来了
Ted's here.
我 额 我不知道 我不知道
I, uh, I don't know. I don't know.
我 额 正在弄展示会
I, uh, was working on the presentation.
额 哦 天啊! 安卓!
And uh... Oh, my God! Andrew!
"哦 天啊 安卓"是对的
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right.
如果没有他 今天的展示会会是个灾难
Without him, today would have been a total disaster.
什么? 不不 安卓死了
What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
一晚上拼命的弄展示会
Dead tired after that all-nighter.
展示会 签好 封好 已送到
The presentation. Signed, sealed, and delivered.
安卓 你来我办公室准备飞流赛
Andrew, you start prepping my office for the Phallusite.
今天 我想让你主持展示会
I want you to run this presentation today.
没问题 老板
You got it, boss.
太棒了
Bounce.
艾文 你TM怎么了?
Evan, what the hell happened to you?
你一直是个模范员工 但是我
You've always been a model employee, but I...
我不能忽视你这种蠢到掉渣的行为
I can't overlook a pooch-screwing this monumental.
泰德 泰德 泰德
Ted. Ted, Ted.
别这么轻率
Let's not be hasty.
虽然安卓完成了工作 但是艾文♥做♥了大部分的基础工作
Andrew finished the job but Evan laid down the groundwork.
看看这个可怜的员工
Look at this poor fellow.
他刚错过一场升职
He was just passed over for a promotion.
他睡在储物间里
He slept in the supply closet,
他闻起来像个死掉的渔夫
and he smells like a dead wharf hooker.
-你闻到了? -他只是需要一点时间
- You smell it now? - He's just having a rough patch.
就让我们原谅他一次吧?
Let's give him a pass on this one, okay?
我
I...
马♥克♥思♥带了甜甜圈
Max brought doughnuts.
我非常愿意告诉你我们超凡的产品
I would love to tell you about our exceptional product,
阿比那翠丝 阿比那翠丝百分之百自然
Abinatrix. Abinatrix is 100% natural.
阿比那翠丝适用于各个年龄段
Abinatrix is for everyone of all ages.
伙计 刚那真是太逊了
Dude, that sucked man.
大部分医生都会推荐阿比那翠丝
Abinatrix is recommended by most doctors.
不 我不理解这TM发生了什么
No, I don't understand what the hell is going on.
昨晚我并没有做梦 提姆
I did not imagine all that stuff last night, Tim.
为什么马♥克♥思♥帮我报住工作?
And why the hell did Max save my job?
你知道吗? 我也觉着那很奇怪
You know what, man? I thought that was weird too,
但是从好的一面看
but on the plus side,
至少他没有把你变成一个跟其他人一样的吸血鬼
at least he didn't turn you into a vampire like everyone else.
妈妈 听着 买♥♥点阿比那翠丝好吗?
Mom, look, just buy Abinatrix all right?
什么?
What?
我一个月都没有销♥售♥了 我会被炒的
I haven't had a sale all month and I'm going to get fired.
伙计 你在干嘛? 这有可能是我第一次销♥售♥
Dude, what are you doing? That was going to be my first sale.
提姆! 吸血鬼?
Tim! Vampires?
哦 好吧
Oh, okay. Well,
就是我注意到的一些事 这边 还有那边
it's just a few things I've been noticing here and there.
一只鞋?
A shoe?
-这就是你的证据? -唔 我还没说完呢
- That was your evidence? - Well, I'm not done yet.
好吧 这太奇怪了
Okay, that is significantly weirder
扎布斯表现的很奇怪
and Zabeth has been acting strangely.
同意 但是真正说服我的是
Agreed, but what really convinced me...
可怜的 可怜的艾兰尼
Poor, poor, Elaine.
都是姜汁 没有欢乐
All ginger and no joy.
-我不在乎 - 哦 你在乎的
- I don't-I don't mind. - Yes, you do.
-哦 这太 -我好想要你
- Oh, that's... - I want you so bad.
哦 我太忙了
Oh, I am so busy.
我不能 我不能
I can't. I can't.
额 我 我是处♥女♥
Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.
你们都是
You all are.
基本上来说 我看见马♥克♥思♥把艾兰尼变成了一个吸血鬼 所以
So basically, I saw Max turn Elaine into a vampire, ergo...
-马♥克♥思♥是吸血鬼 -吸血鬼的头头 我猜
- Max is a vampire. - The head vampire, presumably.
对 这所有的一切都是在他来到这之后发生的
Right. This all started after he got here.
-这菜有逻辑 -逻辑?
- It's only logical. - Logical?
哦 这故事里有一点点你觉着逻辑的地方吗?
Oh, there's a part of this story that you guys think is logical?
唔 也许没那么有逻辑 但是是真的
Well, maybe not logical, but true.
我不知道你现在想玩什么游戏 艾文
I don't know what kind of a game you're trying to play here, Evan
但绝不是搞笑 或者努力工作
but it is not funny or endearing or working.
而你 你让他把你也拽进这个?
And you, you let him drag you into this too?
我原来认为你比这个要聪明
I thought you were smarter than that.
-真的吗? -真的吗?
- Really? - Really?
-今天是所有日子里 -今天是周几?
- And today of all days. - What day is it?
我知道你很自私 很不成熟 艾文
I knew that you were selfish and immature, Evan,
但是我从没想过你不想工作了
but I did not think that you would commit career suicide
来刺♥激♥我 这 这太没有说服力了
to impress me, it's, It's pretty lame.
尼妹! 阿曼达! 我没有不要我的工作
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying to commit career suicide.
我只是想组织同事的互相残杀!
I'm trying to prevent career homicide!
哦 很有道理
Oh, good one.
哦 不知不觉就说出来了
Oh, well, yeah, it just came out.
我们需要从这里逃出去
We have to get out of here.
我现在唯一要做的就是飞流赛的展示会
The only thing I have to do is that Phallusite presentation
因为我很在乎我的工作 所以
because I actually give a shit about my job, so...
-太遗憾了 -等等等等 等等
- Touche. - Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
-你怎么解释安卓? -安卓怎么了?
- How do you explain Andrew? - What about Andrew?
他一整晚都在工作 他看起来很不可思议
He stayed here all night working. He looks amazing.