我的吸血鬼老板（2015）

这是我见过最荒唐的事情
Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've seen.
不 女士 比那好多了
No, ma'am. It's actually a lot better than that.
让我在电脑上调出些东西
Let me, let me pull something up on my computer really fast.
哦 在这
Oh, there it is.
恩 你知道每十个医生中就有九个医生
Um, did you know that nine out of ten doctors
认为这是唯一的戒烟方法吗?
recommend this as the only way to quit smoking?
您能等一下吗? 混♥蛋♥! 滚你!
Can you hold on a second? Fuck you! Fuck!
尼妹 尼妹 尼妹
Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.
-嗨 提姆 -哦 嗨 艾文
- Hey, Tim. - Oh, hey, Evan.
你们有没有统计关于
Have you guys put together the numbers
周五展示的数字?
for Friday's presentation yet?
什么展示?
What presentation?
飞流赛 飞流赛的展示会
Phallusite. Phallusite presentation.
哦 是那个让你的屌♥变得更大的药
Oh, is that the bigger dick thing pill...
-雄性自然增长素 -对
- Natural male enhancement, yeah. - Right.
-那玩意有用吗? -完全有用
- Does that thing even work? - It totally works.
-听说那玩意把你的屌♥变绿了 -但他还是有作用
- Heard it turns your junk green. - It still works.
没关系 谁在乎它有没有用
Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it works.
唯一重要的是我们要达到销♥售♥目标 好吗?
All that matters is that we land the account, all right?
然后我就可以把"代理"从代理销♥售♥经理上撤掉了
And then I can remove "acting" from acting sales manager.
恩 好 你有我呢
Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.
-你可以指望我 -谢谢
- You can count on me. - Thank you.
捡起来 把枪捡起来
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.
-他们从不 -提姆
- They never... - Tim.
-提姆 -我正在做推销电♥话♥
- Tim. - I'm on a sales call.
听着 女士 如果你不打算买♥♥这个的话
Ma'am, listen, if you're not gonna buy this...
-你就会死 -尼妹!
- You're gonna die. - Shit!
爆! 插♥你♥菊花 娘娘腔
Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
你也在玩? 麦克 回去工作
You, too? Mike, get to work.
-你欠我50块 -尼妹!
- You owe me 50 bucks. - Shit!
嘿 能借我50快吗?
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?
嘿 艾文 抱歉这么烦 你会正好有20块
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge, but you wouldn't happen to have
能还你欠我的NCAA锦标赛吧?
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool, would you?
哦 是啊 是的 抱歉
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.
从每个人那里收贷款真的不好受
It's been such a bear collecting from people.
我这月没多少钱
Kinda short on cash this month.
我家猫嘴巴不小心摔裂了 他需要手术
My cat has a cleft palate he needs surgery for.
他不断地把牛奶舔进自己的眼睛里
He's constantly lapping milk into his eyes.
这真的很悲剧
It's really tragic.
好吧 吧嗒吧嗒吧嗒吧嗒
Okay, bada-bada-bada...
那可是棒球啊 混♥蛋♥
That's baseball, dumb ass.
哦 我很抱歉 我玷污了这项
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules
奇妙的定义明确的职业的
of this incredibly well-defined and professional sport
我们刚刚想到的运动吗?
that we just came up with?
是啊 我只是说这很显然是一项篮球投掷运动
Yeah, I'm just saying that this is clearly a basketball throw.
好吧 但是我很确定有人会扔棒球
Okay, but I'm sure someone has thrown a baseball...
是啊 从来没人投过棒球
Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball.
-在棒球的历史上 -从没有成年男性扔过
- In the history of baseball... - No adult male has.
在棒球的历史上 主要的棒球联盟
In the history of baseball, major league baseball...
-额 我能帮你吗? -好 谢谢 实际上
- Uh, can I help you? - Yes, thank you, actually.
我今天应该跟艾文桑达斯一起工作
I'm supposed to be working with Evan Sanders today.
-是啊 他九点半来上班 -现在是十点四十五
- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30. - It's 10:45.
看 看 你能实际上看到它在波动
Look, look, you can actually see it vibrate.
当然了 因为这里有不止一个元素
Of course, because there's more than one element.
所以 艾文在这吗或者我应该去一个小隔间
So is Evan here or should I grab a cubicle...
当他来了后你会知道的 好吗?
You'll know when he gets here, okay?
他会从你衬衫上帮你抓虫子
He'll start bugging you for shit.
现在 如果你没有其他事情可做 你可以给我来杯咖啡
Now, if you need something to do, you can get me coffee.
-你不是正在喝 -嘿 你
- Aren't you already drinking... - Hey, sport.
你看见那的垃圾了吗?
You see that garbage over there?
拿起来扔到车♥库♥的垃圾箱里去
Grab it and throw it in the dumpster in the garage.
我们不是有个清洁员吗
Don't we have a good janitor who can do that?
是啊 但是他的时间很珍贵 再见!
Yeah, well, his time's valuable. Goodbye!
-好吧 -再见!
- All right. - Byeee!
别浪费
Don't waste those.
咱俩分一样 就是现在!
Five-five. This is it.
-就是这个 -就是那个
- That's the one. - This is the one.
-我能感觉到 -好的
- I can feel it. - All right.
中了!
Yes!
说出你的身份 士兵
Identify yourself, soldier.
哦 额 我是杰克 是新来的实习生
Oh, uh, I'm Jack, the new intern.
我只是出来扔垃圾
I'm just taking out the trash.
-我们不是有清洁员吗? -你们确实有
- Don't we have a janitor? - You do.
-杰瑞 -弗兰克
- Jerry. - Frank.
遵守公♥司♥规则
Follow protocol.
今天是我第一天上班
It's my first day.
谢谢你帮我拿下来
Thanks for pitching in.
-去他的平衡 -伙计 怎么了?
- Screws up his equilibrium. - What's up, dildos?
嘿 安卓 抱歉这么烦人
Hey there, Andrew. Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,
你不会正好有
but you wouldn't happen to have
你欠我的NCAA打赌的钱吧
that money you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you?
-那东西我不是赢了吗? -并不是为了输赢
- Didn't I lose that thing? - It's not about that.
而是为了办公室乐趣
It's about office fun.
我的猫得了下颚分♥裂♥ 好像是什么空气过敏
My cat's got a cleft palate, is allergic to some types of air.
-嘿 麦克 -去你的!
- Hey, Mike. - Fuck off!
好吧 说脏话可不好
All right. A little early for that kind of language,
明天把钱给我也行的 伙计
but tomorrow works for me too, buddy.
-好的 再见 -再见 戴维
- All right, well, see you. - See you, Dave.
真好啊 伙计们
Real nice, guys.
没人付钱给代维 他会把赌博给关了的
No one pays Dave, he's gonna stop running the pools.
他才不会关 只有这样其他人才会跟他聊天
No, he's not. It's the only way anyone ever talks to the guy.
提姆
Tim,
我觉着你不是在弄飞流赛的展示会
I thought you were working on the Phallusite presentation.
什么飞流赛?
What's Phallusite?
你在开玩笑吧? 你们今天一点工作也没做吗?
You kidding me? Have you guys done any work today?
没
No.
嘿 伙计们
Hey, boys.
嘿!
Hey!
尼妹! 作为人力资源的头头 你看起来太TM性感了
Damn! For head of HR, you look fucking sexy.
过奖了 过奖了
Too kind, too kind.
-曼迪 我们可以谈一下吗? -别叫我曼迪
- Mandy, can we please talk? - Don't call me Mandy.
安卓 周末过得怎么样?
Andrew, how was your weekend?
额 挺好 我揍了我邻居
Uh, it was good. I banged my neighbor.
终于揍了 很好!
Finally. All right!
你说的是那个性感的乌克兰女的吗?
You're talking about the hot Ukrainian chick?
额 其实是她妈妈
Uh, it was actually her mom.
-那很好 为你感到骄傲 -曼迪
- That's decent. Proud of you. - Mandy.
我们能不能私下谈谈? 随便什么地方
Please, can we talk privately? Just somewhere else.
为什么? 这里可是公♥司♥的休息室
Why? This is a corporate break room.
鉴于我们只有工作上的关系
Since we just have a business relationship,
所以 无论你要跟我说什么
then, whatever it is that you need to say to me,
你可以当着其他同事的面说
you can say in front of all of our business associates.
对吗?
Right?
好 很好 好 听着 发生的事 我做的
Okay, fine. All right. Look, what happened... What I...
我应该说 额
I should have said, okay, is that...
嘿 恭喜你赢了NCAA的赌
Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool.
是啊 谢啦 你知道的 我其实挺讨厌杜克的
Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually hate Duke,
但是他们赢了 所以
but they win, so...
哦 额
Well, uh...
过得愉快
You guys have a great day.
除了你 祝你倒霉一整天
Except for you. Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit.
-唔 如果你不是第一个的话 -对
- Well, not if yours isn't first. - Right.
嘿 我不想越界
Hey, I don't want to overstep my bounds,
但是尼妹发生了啥! 上帝啊!
but what the fuck! Jesus!
我一点也不想谈这个
I don't want to talk about it.
好吧 刚才真的让人很不舒服 就像
Okay, that was just really uncomfortable, that was like...
我来说 我知道整个故事 我来说
I will. I know the story. I'll totally talk about it.
所以 他们在一起了 就他们俩 对吗?
So, they're together. Just the two of them, right?
艾文
Evan.
我爱你
I love you.