我的吸血鬼老板（2015）

好吧 稍息 或者继续
Okay, uh, at ease or carry on.
不 我一定在做梦
Nah, I must be dreaming.
马♥克♥思♥早上六点打电♥话♥给我让我早点来
Max called me at 6 a.m. this morning to come in early.
我直到黎明才上来因为直男是个非常大的阵营
I haven't been up before dawn since straight is great camp.
什么?
What?
我不是弯的 他们那只是有很好的弓箭项目
I wasn't gay. They just had a really good archery program.
好吧 你告诉过我了
All right. So you've told me.
情况非常烂 伙计
This situation sucks, dude.
我是说 我们要做点什么 不是吗?
I mean, we gotta do something about this, right?
我是说 你能相信他们整了我们吗?
I mean, can you believe how much they've screwed us here?
我们?
Us?
是啊 我是说 我原认为你会当上销♥售♥经理的
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready for you to become sales manager.
我希望是你 伙计
I wanted that for you, man.
因为有什么比你最好的朋友当上老板更好的事情吗
'Cause what's better than having your best friend as your boss?
-是啊 -现在
- Yeah. - Now then...
我是说 我原想着带着一切逃走
I mean, I would have gotten away with everything.
但是现在
But now...
我是说 你有我 伙计
I mean, you get me, man.
你知道吗? 你让我在工作场地做我自己
You know? You allow me to be me in the workplace.
-没用的懒鬼 -确实
- Useless slacker. - Exactly.
-没有任何价值 -是啊
- Worthless. - Yeah.
-必须要有个 -我是说 看看我 伙计
- Gotta have one. - I mean, look at me, man.
看看我
Look at me.
我们完美的日常已经被打破
Our perfect routine is broken.
是啊 你 你才是真正的受害者
Yeah, you, you are the real victim here.
我知道
I know.
但是 嘿 伙计 你也有紧身裤
But hey, man. You got hosed too, kinda.
哦
Oh.
顺便说一句
By the way...
不
No.
不 你TM在开玩笑 这是我的桌子?
No. You gotta be fucking kidding me. This is my desk now?
唔 严格意义上来说 这还是打印机的桌子
Well, officially, it's still a photoprinter's desk.
但是你们可以分享一下
But you can share it.
我有椅子吗?
Do I get a chair?
草泥马!
Holy fucking shit!
我们要把这地方变得更加有气氛 西欧多尔
We're gonna get this place lean and mean, Theodore.
我们要把肉跟油分开
We are gonna separate the meat from the tallow.
我们要
We're going...
麦克死了
Mike is dead.
-麦克TM死了! -什么?
- Mike is fucking dead! - What?
麦克在TM洗手间死了
Mike is dead in the fucking bathroom.
我进去后 有什么东西吃了他的
I went in there, and someone ate his...
我不知道 我需要走 我需要离开
I don't know. I just had to go. I just needed to go.
上帝啊 我再也不拉屎了
Jesus Christ, I'll never take a shit again.
艾文 艾文 慢一点 发生了什么?
Evan, Evan, slow down. What's up now?
麦克
Mike...
他没 死了
He didn't... Dead...
洗手间
The bathroom.
泰德 打电♥话♥给保安
Ted, call security.
我还是需要走
I still have to go.
-嘿 弗兰克 我们要有 -代号♥一紧急情况
- Hey, Frank, we have to have... - Code one emergency.
你还欠我40块呢
The forty dollars you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool.
我想加入你们 但是我要先把这些文件弄好
I'd join ya, but I gotta get these papers.
等等! 等等 等等 等等
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
别开门
Don't open the door.
我 我很抱歉 我只是 我需要警告你
I'm-I'm sorry. I just, I need to warn you.
我希望你们都有很强壮的胃
I hope you all have strong stomachs.
哦 男孩
Oh, boy.
这太恶心了 我要再清理一遍 这
That's disgusting. I'll clean it again. It's...
什么? 不
What? No.
不不不不! 我 我!
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I-I...
我告诉你 这跟个恐怖片似的
I am telling you, this stall was a fucking horror show.
艾文 这不是什么
Evan, this isn't some way
为了飞流赛展示会的小玩笑吧?
of stalling on the Phallusite presentation, is it?
-什么? 什么? -飞流赛展示会
- The what? What? - The Phallusite presentation.
就在明天 如果你还没准备好
It's tomorrow. If you're not ready...
不不 我只是 我
No, no. I just... I-I...
我没 我还没准备好 好吗? 我没
I'm not, I'm not ready yet, all right? I'm not...
会准备好的 好吗?会的
It will be ready, okay? It will...
-麦克 -我来处理麦克的事
- Mike! - I'll deal with Mike
无论他今天打算什么时候来工作
whenever he decides to roll in to work today.
你只要专心弄你的展示会就好了 知道吗?
You just keep your eye on the ball, huh?
我们就靠你了 拳击手
We're counting on you, slugger.
不不 尼玛发生了什么!
No. No. What the fuck!
申请自♥由♥说话
Permission to speak freely.
上帝啊 弗兰克 我们能不能别再用这种语调说话?
Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop the whole chain of command bit?
我现在心情不好
I'm just not in the mood.
你是对的 有人在这里流血了
You were right. Someone drew first blood.
我需要跟你谈谈
I need to talk to you.
艾文 如果是关于我们之间的事 我不能这么做 我还要工作
Evan, if this is about us, I just can't at work. I have...
麦克死了
Mike is dead.
什么?
What?
我发现他在男洗手间 他整个摊在小隔间
I found him in the men's room. He was propped up in the stall
像什么玛丽安
like some fucked up marionette.
满地都是血 然后我去找人帮我
There was blood everywhere. And then I went to get help,
他就不见了
and he was gone.
哦 上帝啊 我不敢相信你现在居然这么做
Oh, my God. I can't believe you're doing this right now.
做什么? 麦克死在洗手间了
Doing what? Mike was dead in the bathroom.
有其他人看见尸体吗?
Did anyone else see the body?
唔 没 我我去找别人
Well, no. I-I-I went to get help
然后我回来的时候 他就不见了
and then when I came back, he was gone.
耶稣啊! 艾文 他在整你 是麦克!
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you. It's Mike.
他估计是想跟你开个玩笑
He's probably doing it as a joke.
别忘了他是个混♥蛋♥ 好吗?
Let's not forget he's a complete asshole, okay?
是啊 他是个混♥蛋♥ 但是我 我不知道
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole, but I-I-I don't know.
-这看起来挺真实的 -好吧
- This looked pretty real. - Okay.
好吧 让我们 额 让我们把这个当做一个可能性
All right, let's, uh, let's consider the possibilities then.
选项一 有人杀了麦克
Option one, somebody murdered Mike,
把他仍在洗手间 然后
left him in the bathroom and then moved
当你去找其他人的时候把尸体挪走
the body when you went to get help.
唔 如果你这么说
Well, when you put it that way...
或者 选项二 办公室里最讨厌的
Or option two is that the most obnoxious prick in the office
一个宁愿做这种事也不愿意回去工作的人
who would rather do anything other than actually work,
跟你开了个玩笑
played a practical joke on you.
好吧 现在我要杀了他
Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
是啊 你有个更大的鱼要炸
Yeah, well, you've got bigger fish to fry.
好吧 马♥克♥思♥正在清理门户
Okay, Max is cleaning house.
马克估计第一波就要被开除
Mike was probably getting fired even before the first stunt.
我必须要把那个展示会做好
I have to nail that presentation.
是啊
Yeah.
谢谢 谢谢你
Thank you. Thank you.
-哈哈哈哈哈 -哈哈哈哈
- Hup, hup, hup, hup. - Hup, hup, hup, hup.
你们来没有工作要做吗?
Don't you two have some work to do?
-并没有 -并没有
- Not really. - Not really.
-哈哈哈哈 -哈哈哈哈
- Hup, hup, hup, hup. - Hup, hup, hup, hup.
-戴维 是吗? -是
- Dave, right? - Yeah.
我听说你就是那个负责公♥司♥赌博的人
I hear you're the guy to talk to about office pools.
-是的 -公♥司♥的运动皇帝
- Yeah. - Company sports czar.
这太奇怪了 我要让同事
It's so weird. I have to try to get people
-这么叫我 -哦 是吗?
- to call me that around here. - Oh, yeah?
我大概不会干了 我的猫 普多 他
I should probably quit though. My cat, Puddles, he
有点嫉妒 因为我在这上面花了很多时间
gets really jealous when I spend too much time on,
他的糖尿症又犯了
his diabetes is acting off.
哦 胡说
Oh, nonsense.
斗志对每个公♥司♥来说都十分重要
Morale is vital to the health of any company.
你在这方面做了很大贡献
And you make an important contribution.
走 到我的地盘去 然后你可以给我一些维加斯的小提示
Let's pop into my man-cave, and you can give me the Vegas tips
NBA决赛的或者马上要开始的活动 你知道的
on the NBA playoffs and dirt on upcoming events, you know?
别打我
Don't hit me.
男人的东西 好吧
Man stuff, all right.