恶搞之路

好了 好了
Okay, okay.
这可是一个中国的指铐啊
It's a Chinese finger trap.
救命
Help!
从这儿走 嗷 嗷
Just come this way! Ow! Ow!
帮帮我们
Help us.
谁来帮帮我们
Somebody, help us!
来人啊 救命 哦我的天 来个人啊
Somebody! Help! Oh, my God. Somebody!
过来个人 求求了
Come this way, please!
等等 冷静一下 行吗
Wait, chill! Would you?
我不知道该干啥
I don't know what to do!
好吧 你要干 别啊
Okay. What the... No!
不成功便成仁
It's do or die!
我们自♥由♥啦 我们自♥由♥啦
We're free! We're free!
有人有冰吗
Does anybody got any ice?
我可以借点水吗 可以吗
Can I borrow water? Can I?
这杯我喝完了
没关系 我就想
It don't even matter. I just wanna...
关键是 哦我的天
弗吉尼亚州索斯布里奇
你的老二才和另一个人的连在一起过后
It's really hard to concentrate on food
真的很难专心吃饭
when your dick was just attached to another man's.
我不知道 老兄 我还觉得挺饿的
I don't know, man. I'm pretty hungry.
行吧 所以 你准备去见玛丽亚
All right. So, you're about to see Maria.
你知道当看见她的时候
Do you know what you're going to say
你该说什么吗
to her once you see her?
在 Boyz II Men 的视频里
You know in the Boyz II Men video
Boyz II Men是90年代极具影响力的黑人流行音乐组合
当男中音唱间奏的时候
when the baritone dude breaks it down?
知道 然后他就唱 "女孩
Yes. And he's like, "Damn, girl.
"哦 我会让你欲♥仙♥欲♥死♥ 姑娘"
"Ooh, I would suck a skittle out your bootyhole, girl."
歌♥里可没有这个
That's not in any of the songs.
差不多嘛
It's similar.
-提问 我有个问题 -他想 好吧 说
- Question. I have a question. - He...he was. Yeah, go.
我朋友可以和你快速模拟一下吗
Can my friend try something on you real quick?
然后看看你有什么反应
And I just wanna see how you'll react to it.
没问题
Okay.
我遇到了我的梦中情人 正在追她
I'm in love with an angel. Chasing a girl.
可不总是如此吗
嗯哼 所以我就打算走过去和她说 比如
Mmm-hmm. So I'm just gonna go up to her and say, like...
"我爱你"
"I love you."
"让我们在落日下做♥爱♥吧"
"Let's make love under the sunset, us two."
你这还不行
我给你提个建议
多说点儿情话少说黄段子
-哦 没问题 -一开始这样
让她知道太阳升起阳光照在她美丽的脸上
-好的 -她的眼睛让你神魂颠倒
对呀 这就是我之前和他说的
Yeah. That's what I was saying to him before.
我就是这么说的
That's the kinda stuff I was saying.
一开始先别涉黄
-一开始 -让她先提出来
- At first? - Let her make the first move.
一个小问题 因为你一直在说"一开始"
Quick question, 'cause you keep saying "at first."
什么时候可以 比如说 可以了
When is the best time to, like, all right.
你说足了土味情话
Now you say all the nice stuff,
然后你就可以说 "好了 现在可以开干"
and you be like, "Okay, now sexually..."
起码三十分钟到一个小时
哦 所以还是玩初次约会那套
Oh, so this is still on the first meeting?
我是一个爱享受的人 但不是荡♥妇♥
我也
Same.
我享受性♥爱♥ 我和很多不同
-性别和种族的人上♥床♥ -我也
"性别和种族" 我的天
"Genders and genres"? God damn.
♪ 感谢你待我如挚友 ♪
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
♪ 旅行数日后 ♪
♪ Traveled down the road ♪
♪ 又重逢此地 ♪
♪ And back again ♪
♪ 你的心是如此真诚 ♪
♪ Your heart is true ♪
♪ 你是我的贴心好友 ♪
♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪
华盛顿
纽约
好了 我们电池没电了
Yeah, our battery died.
太感谢你了
Thanks so much for doing this.
这车噪音是在太大了
The car's making crazy noises.
好了 试着发动一下
All right, start revving it.
你对我朋友都做了什么
What did you do to my friend?
-我啥都没做 -你还好吗
- I didn't do anything. - You okay?
她发动了这玩意儿 我不知道
She revved the thing. I don't know.
你让我这么做的 别把锅甩给我
You told me to do that. Don't play that.
你为什么这么做
Why did you do that?
你♥他♥妈♥让我试一下的
You asked for a fucking jump.
别把锅甩给我 混♥蛋♥
Don't play with me, motherfucker.
南巴尔的摩
8英里
伊斯特伍德
凯恩街
四分之三英里
我要把你们都弄死
I'm coming to fuck y'all up.
华盛顿
纽约
欢迎来到
特拉华
这个好吃
This is good.
-就停这儿还是 -对对对
- Right here or... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
哦老天 哦 憋不住了
Oh, jeez. Oh, it's starting.
救命
Help!
怎么了
What happened?
该死的 发生了啥
Fuck. What happened?
我卡住了
I'm stuck.
我在往下沉
I'm sinking.
-该死 -我懂 这样
-Shit. - I know. Come here.
等一下 去拿点黄油
Wait a minute, go get some butter.
润滑一下我才能出去
Butter me out of this thing.
我去
Shit!
我的天
Oh, my God.
-弄了我一身 -我的天 什么鬼
- It's all over me. - Oh, my God. What the fuck?
宾夕法尼亚
欢迎你
♪ 感谢你待我如挚友 ♪
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
新泽西州 特伦顿
你们见过这两个人吗 就在这儿
Y'all seen these dudes before? Right here?
不认识
I don't know them.
-嗨 大兄弟 -干啥
-Hey, brother. - What?
我在找这俩人
I'm looking for these dudes right here.
他们偷了我的车 看看 这车多漂亮
They stole my car. Look at it. She beautiful.
这车挺花的
That's a colorful car.
这个是巴德
This is Bud right here.
他大概这么高 特黑
He, like, this tall, real dark.
胖墩墩的 长得跟花生似的
Real, kind of, chubby. Look like a peanut.
这哥们儿 叫克里斯
This dude right here, Chris,
有个大鼻子 白人男孩的那种
got a big nose, that white boy nose,
-但是是个黑人 -懂了
- but black features. - All right.
事实上 我还得把他的蛋给钉一钉
Matter of fact, might have to staple his nuts.
你懂我意思吧
You know what I'm saying?
都看看这几个黑鬼啊 他们偷了我的车
If y'all see these niggas right here, they stole my car.
老娘要削死他们
I'mma kill these niggas.
就像这样
Just like that.
就他妈像这样
Just like fucking that.
别在这里发疯啊
Uh-uh! Don't tear up in here, now.
那姑娘 她能直闯进来
That girl, she could've came in here
-然后开始发飙 -就是啊
- and just started blazing. - Exactly.
看她写了啥
他们偷了我的车 我想要回来
要不然我就把他们都杀了
这叫做恐♥怖♥主♥义♥威胁
要进局子的
你没有那张韦斯利·斯奈普斯的新专吗
You didn't get that new Wesley Snipes CD?
韦斯利·斯奈普斯不做音乐 老哥
Wesley Snipes don't make music, man.
哥们儿 他做了刀锋战士的原声带
Man, he made the Bladesoundtrack.
-不 他没有 -就有
- No, he didn't. - Yeah.
而且他还有那首歌♥
And he's got that song.
你想坐哪
Where do you wanna sit at?
-这儿有人坐吗 -没有
- Is anybody sitting here? - No.
没有吗
No?
刚才有个疯婆子进来了
Crazy girl just came in here
还说她要杀什么人
and said she's gonna kill somebody.
看到这老哥了吗
See that brother right there?
她说他偷了她的车 她要杀了他
Said she gonna kill him if he stole her car.
这是啥
What the fuck is that?
哦 该死