圣诞坏公公2（2016）

What the fuck?
搞什么鬼
You think I want this piece of shit? Fuck you!
我会稀罕这破衣服?滚你的
Hey, hey, hey!
嘿嘿嘿
Get away! - Fuck you!
滚犊子 - 干♥你♥丫
Horny drunk!
色酒鬼!
Let's just say my whole life
说我的整个人生
has been one long fucking miserable nightmare most of the time.
就是一出无尽而悲惨的噩梦
And pure shit on a good day.
跟屎一样
Goddamn it.
妈的
Yeah, I guess there have been a few dull bright spots here and there.
本人浑身上下有这样那样的缺点
Fuck it.
去他的
Like a piece of ass who didn't look me in the eye
像那个从不正眼看我的贱♥货♥
or wanna show me pictures of her fucking vacation.
要么向我晒她各种度假照片
Or a good drunk when I didn't choke on my own vomit.
要么晒美酒 而我差点被自己的呕吐物噎死
Ah! - I even almost had a friend once.
我也算有过一个朋友
Sure, he was a mouth-breathing, snot dripping 8-year-old
那货用口呼吸 拖黄鼻涕 8岁
who couldn't find his fat ass with both hands,
肥到双手不能环抱屁屁
but he was clueless enough to think
脑子秀逗
I wasn't the worthless piece of shit everybody else thinks I am.
我可不是众人以为的一无所成者
Including me.
众人也包括我
I also found what was the closest thing I ever had to an actual girlfriend.
然而我最得意的是撩过正妹
She liked the job I had at the time, especially while I was in uniform.
她喜欢我那时的职业 尤其衣着光鲜穿制♥服♥的模样
Sounds like a happy ending, don't it?
听起来大圆♥满♥ 是不是
But, you see...
然而
...you can only puke in somebody's lap so many times
一天到晚在美人跟前吐啊吐的
before the romance takes a shit.
还有什么浪漫可言
And the kid, he still creeps around every now and then
这孩子 仍旧被我追赶到
and I still chase him off
四处嗷嗷乱爬
For his own good.
这是为他好
So you see, happy endings are bullshit.
所以 所谓大圆♥满♥都是骗人的
Actually, there aren't such things as endings at all,
根本没有所谓的大结局
because when some shit gets over with,
事情刚要终止
some other whole thing starts that sucks ass.
就会有新的轮回
Merry fucking Christmas.
剩蛋快乐
Goddamn it.
真要命
Willie?
威利?
Willie? It's me, Thurman.
威利? 是我 瑟曼
Willie, what are you doing? Did you get yourself stuck up there?
威利 你干嘛呢 你在玩自挂?
Okay, I'll go. But this package came to my house for you, Willie.
OK 我就走 但我屋里有你包裹 威利
There's a lot of money in it. And a phone.
里面很多钱 附加手♥机♥一部
And a note.
还有一张纸条
What? Chair!
什么 椅子
Chair? - Chair!
椅子 - 椅子
Chair.
椅子
Give me the goddamn chair.
赶紧给我搬椅子
Willie, you fell.
威利 你倒也
Goddamn. Are you a complete fucking retard?
妈的 你真的是智障
No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me. I'm top of the spectrum.
没有 饥饿英雄三明治店的人测试过我 我乃顶级老饕
So they made me a full-time sandwich consultant.
他们认我为全职三明治顾问
Well, I'm glad you followed your passion. - What's that smell?
很高兴你还有热情 - 什么味
Is the oven on? Are you making Hot Pockets?
烤箱开着? 你在做热兜兜?(雀巢出品的一种类似热狗的小吃)
We do hot sandwiches at Hungry Hoagies now.
我们在店里做三明治
But I always burn my hand getting them out of oven.
开箱的时候 我总是烧伤手
Darlene says I should put butter on my hand, but that's stupid.
达琳建议我手上涂黄油 但那有够蠢
We only put butter on food. Hand isn't food.
只有食物涂黄油 手又不是食物
I know we left on bad terms.
我们有过节
But you gotta understand, it was only business.
但你应理解 只是公务
We were partners.
我们曾是搭档
And I broke that sacred bond. It's not an excuse.
是我破坏了神圣的纽带 不是我找借口
But Lois got all up in my kitchen.
洛伊丝下得厨房♥ 上得卧房♥
Crazy bitch had me all turned around with her magical Laotian pussy.
那婊♥子♥令我整天惦记她的魔力老挝小♥穴♥
Don't blame it on the snapper. - I was pussy-blind. I'm ashamed.
别转移借口 - 我是女人盲 真可耻
You tried to murder me, you little prick. Remember that?
你打算杀掉我 你个鸡♥巴♥ 记得吗?
And not with some little nubbin-dick gun,
用的不是超小号♥鸡鸡枪
but with adult man-sized bullets.
而是正常成人尺寸的子弹
And now I'm here to make it up to you. - Why are you even out of the joint anyway?
我现在就是来补偿你的 - 你为什么老关键时刻掉链子?
Some pity case on account of you're a genetic defect?
你这种遗传缺陷令人同情
You know, they used to sterilize guys like you.
比如 一般你这种人会被阉掉
Keep the world from becoming some Negro Land of Oz.
免得全世界变成奥兹黑鬼国
Shut the fuck up! Early release. Overcrowding.
闭嘴 早释 犯人太多
Well, it must've been packed to the gills
这监狱的生意是有多火爆
if they couldn't cram your three-foot ass in there.
连你这种三腿怪胎都关不下了
We got a job, Willie. That two grand is just to show I'm serious.
我们有单子 威利 刚才的2000大元证明我是玩真的
Can you still crack a safe?
你还能破保险箱吗
Or did you get carpal tunnel from jacking off?
或者因为你撸管 所以有腕管疼痛症?
I can crack just fine, thanks - I'm talking millions this time
我破箱技术好的很 多谢关心 - 我说的是上百万的生意
Where at? - Chi-Town
在哪 - 唐人街
I thought you were all done with the gooks
我还以为你和亚洲佬撇清关系了呢
Chicago, you racist moron fuck!
在芝加哥 你个种族主义猪
I got an associate out there who has got this thing all lined up
我有门路 搞定幕后大头目
What associate? - I'm not at liberty to disclose just yet
什么门路 - 不方便透露
But they know your work
但他们明白你有技术
And they want to bring us in and put us up in some fine-ass metropolitan digs
他们需要我们入伙 参与一个大项目
and finance the whole operation
且分一杯羹
You're outta your fucking skull
你脑残了吧
What are you gonna do? Try and kill yourself again?
你想干啥 再自杀一次?
That's none of your goddamn business what I do
我♥干♥啥管你屁事
Don't let the door hit you in the ass
你丫的出门的时候别被门挤
Or I won't let it hit me in the ass. Whatever the fuck it is
我脑袋可没被门挤过 这破事儿
Did you even score once while I was away?
我进局子的时候 你上过一垒没有?
I'm talking two mil here
我说的是两百万
That's a lot of fat-ass bitches and whiskey
那可值老鼻子钱了 甭说女人和酒
Fuck you
操你
Why do you have to go so soon? We just got back together
你为什么这么快走? 我俩才重聚
Cut that shit out. We're not back together
废话少说 我们不是重聚
Guess you don't know what today is
你肯定忘记今天啥日子了
I don't even know what fucking year it is, kid
我他妈今年是哪年都不记得了 孩子
It's my birthday
今天我生日
Today is your fucking birthday? - Uh-huh
今天你妹的生日? - 嗯哼
I'm 21 . Officially a man
我21岁了 正式成人
Goddamn. You're 21 already. That's creepy
妹的 你都21了 好冷
Are you still gonna pop my cherry? - Am I gonna what?
你还打算给我破处吗 - 我要干啥?
No! Fuck no!
不 滚你丫的
But you said that when I was 21 that you'd pop my cherry
但你答应过 说我21岁 就破我的处
I said I'd get it done by somebody else
我说的是让别人来破
Besides that, I'm a fucking guy. You didn't turn funny, did you?
另外 我是男人 你不是来搞笑的吧?
Am I funny?
我搞笑?
So you haven't done it with anybody yet
那你还没有和任何人做过
Not a man or a woman or an animal or anything
不管男人 女人 动物或其他
No, I waited for you
对 我一直等你
But surely, you jerked off or.. - You mean masturbate, don't you?
不过 你有打飞机... - 你指的是手♥淫♥吧
Well, if you wanna be scientific, yeah, I guess so
非要严格来说 就这意思
My friend Ronnie says,
我朋友罗妮说
it's when you play with your wiener and think about your mother
玩自己的小香肠的时候 想想自己的妈
I did it once, but it felt weird
我弄过一次 感觉怪胎
She's in heaven with God, you know. Watching me
她已经升仙了 会在天上看着我的
Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down. He's already asked me where his cherry is
OK 交代一下 他问过我他的小丁丁该放哪里
So you could tell him to put his dick in your purse
你告诉他 把他的丁丁放进你的裆裆
and he wouldn't know any fucking difference
他反正也感觉不到啥区别
It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucks you ever made
这是你赚过最容易的20块钱
Twenty bucks?
20块
You must be high on some strong shit, Willie
你喝高了吧 威利
A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my ass outta this old piece of a room right now
100 否则我立马走人
All right. Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother
好吧 50 不然我让你妈做这单
Sixty
60块
All right
成交
And nothing up my ass. You done took all that, Willie
别在背后搞怪 你负全责 威利
Okay
OK
Well, let's get to it. I gotta pick up my grandson from ballet
就这么办 等下我还得去接孙子芭蕾舞下课
Can I fix you a sandwich? - No
你要三明治吗 - 不