吸血鬼生活

烟消云散
at a moment's notice.
柯林 · 鲁宾逊的头爆成一堆粘液
Colin Robinson's head imploding into a pile of goo
让我意识到 我要充分享受我的生活
has made me realize that I need to make the most of my life.
所以我决定离开斯塔顿岛
Which is why I've decided to leave Staten Island
周游世界 -什么？
and travel the world. -What?
去看看这里或者其他国家的大峡湾
Visit the Great Fjords of whatever country they're in.
在船上找一份打捞塑料
Get a job on one of those boats that collect plastic
的工作 -你到底在说什么？
from the ocean. -What the hell are you talking about?
吉尔莫 我不是已经告诉你了吗? -没有
Guillermo, did I not tell you all this already? -No.
抱歉 能让我们单独谈谈吗 -抱歉
Sorry. Would you mind giving us a moment? -Sorry.
能给我们一分钟吗？
Can you just give us one minute?
非常感谢 -感谢
Thank you so much. - Appreciate it.
小心地毯
Careful with the rug.
你现在的决定没有理性
You can't make any rational decisions right now
因为你面对的是柯林 · 鲁宾逊的死
because you're dealing with Colin Robinson's death
你在逃避自己的感受
and you're running away from your feelings.
那又怎样? 我讨厌我的感受
Yeah. So what? I hate my feelings.
你知道吗 这个计划听起来很棒
You know what, this plan, it sounds great out loud,
但我...我不能放下手头的事
but I-I, I just can't drop everything that I'm doing.
我有责任 你懂得 职责
I have duties, you know. Responsibilities.
就好像 我妈还在这儿 我不能就这么一拎包
Like, my mom is here. I can't just pack a bag
就立马跟你去周游世界
and go on a world tour with you at the drop of a hat.
你不需要跟我走
You're not coming with me.
什么
What?
我需要摆脱你才可以重新
You are one of the things I need to get away from
开始新生活
to make a fresh start.
我不是针对你
No offense.
好吧 那 你打算怎么旅行？
Okay, well, how you gonna travel?
就在晚上? 难道你就这么带着
Just by night? You're just gonna carry
老祖宗的泥土和你的棺材到处走?
your ancestral dirt with you and your coffin wherever you go?
这... 这也太疯狂了吧 -对 没错
That-that's insane. -Yes, you're right.
还有很多细节需要搞清楚
There's a lot of details to figure out.
而你要帮我搞明白
And you are going to figure them out for me.
噢 真是受宠若惊啊 -善始善终是你最后的职责
Oh, surprise, surprise. -As your last duty.
我 亲爱的 吉尔莫
My sweet, sweet Guillermo.
你不明白 是因为？
You don't understand because?
我不是吸血鬼
I'm not a vampire.
没错 信我
Yes! Trust me,
娜嘉和拉兹洛 他们老早就想离开
Nadja and Laszlo, they are itching to get away.
这班假吸血鬼 在这存在只是一时半会儿
These vampire pods, they don't last forever.
而我 绝不会在这里成为最后一个 像个失败者那样
And I'm not gonna be the last one in here
落得孤苦零丁的下场
all alone like a fucking loser.
我宁愿不谈论施莫林 施莫宾森的死亡
I would rather not talk about the death
因为我亲爱的丈夫拉兹洛
of Shmolin Shmobinson because my dear husband Laszlo
正在经历一段艰难的时期
is having a bit of a hard time dealing with it.
你在说什么？
What are you talking about?
我说你现在处境艰难
I said you were having a hard time dealing
就那 柯林 鲁宾逊令人作呕的惨死
with Colin Robinson's very disgusting and tragic death.
那 就是胡说八道了 不是吗 亲爱的？
Well, that would be bullshit, then, wouldn't it, my darling?
我一点也不在乎
I couldn't give a tinker's fig.
总有人会死
People die all the time.
动物死亡 植物死亡
Animals die, plants die.
哦 小吉 是你啊
Oh, Gizmo, it's just you.
是挺重要的
It's kind of important.
你没看见我在对着镜头说话吗？
Can't you see I'm doing my talking-to-the-camera thing?
我很忙 嘘
I'm busy. Shoo!
吃午饭的时候我已经在妓院了
...by lunchtime I was in the whorehouse
有两个妓♥女♥和三个男伴啊
with two prostitutes and three good-time boys.
等等 我刚想到个好点子
Hold on, I've just had the best idea.
我想有一件事可能会
I think I might know just the thing
让你开心起来 亲爱的
to cheer you up, my love.
我不需要什么开心起来
I don't need cheering up.
我和你一起回老英格兰去旅行怎么样 -不
How's about me and you take a lovely little trip back to merry old England? -No.
我们可以坐一辆红色的巴士里面做♥爱♥
We could get a red bus and make love in it.
我们可以叫一辆黑色的出租车里面做♥爱♥
We could get a black cab and make love in it.
我们可以去杜莎夫人蜡像馆看看
We could go to Madame Tussaud's and look around.
如果是因为我挚友的死才需要
If I were to need rest and recuperation
我旅行放松的话 那该死的洞将会是
for my dear friend's death, that fuck hole would be
我在地球上最后一个选择的地方
the last place on Earth that I would choose to go back to.
你知道的 我立下了一个珍贵的誓言
You know this. I made a precious vow
再也不要回去那了 -拉兹洛
never to go back there again. -Laszlo! Ugh!
大不列颠? 更像是大不列颠的叮当
United Kingdom? United Ding-dong, more like.
娜嘉 娜嘉 我真的需要你的帮助
Nadja, Nadja, I really need your help.
是关于南多的
It's about Nandor.
我们就等着吧 我不知道
I suppose we just wait. I don't know.
我们有麻烦了
We have a problem.
你不是唯一一个有麻烦的人 小吉
You are not the only one with problems, Gizmo!
看看你 “噢 每个人都为我感到难过
Look at you. "Oh, everyone feel sorry for me
因为我是个可悲的人类
"'cause I'm a pathetic human,
“我不能飞 我所做的一切就是
"and I can't fly, and all I do is
整天坐在马桶上”
sit on the toilet all day."
那我的需求呢? 看看这个
Well, what about my needs? Look. Look at this.
呃 不是这样的
Uh, that's not how that works.
你来吧 -好
Oh, you do it! -Okay.
这是一个玻璃镇纸
This is a glass paperweight,
这是电视控制器
and this is the TV control.
我们把这个推一下... -搞那么多派头
We push this in... -Patronizing.
...播放
...and play.
这不是在录鲁保罗的事吧? -不不
This is not taping over RuPaul, is it? -No, no.
因为我还没看最新的一集 -这是新的..
'Cause I haven't seen the latest episode. -It's a fresh...
好的 什么? -我们正在录像
Okay, good. What? -We're recording.
来自安提帕克斯的娜嘉的 向你致以黑暗的问候
Dark greetings, Nadja of Antipaxos.
你现在一定知道我已经盯上你有一段时间了
You must know by now that I've had my eye on you for quite some time.
你在当地吸血鬼议会的工作
Your work on your local Vampiric Council
非常令人印象深刻 没错 女王
has been quite impressive. Yas, queen.
每个人都在谈论这件事
Everyone is going on about it.
因此 我们很高兴你能加入我们
And thus, we would be delighted for you to join us
在伦敦 在英国
in London, in England,
你会在那里得到其中一个
where you will take a position that ranks amongst
全世界最高的吸血鬼议会的职位
the highest of all worldwide Vampiric Council positions.
我们希望你们能尽快接受这份差事
We do hope you'll accept this offer promptly,
因为你知道 吸血鬼讨厌等待
because as you know, vampires hate waiting.
即使我们是不朽的 等待仍然令人烦厌
Even though we're immortal, waiting is just still a thing.
所以如果你尽快接受
So, if you accept, as fast as you can,
把你的获奖感言录在家用录像带上 然后
tape your acceptance speech on a VHS tape, and then
装进信封寄出
put it in an envelope and send it by mail,
最终它会送到我们手上的
and eventually it'll get to us.
这是你最后一次..
This is your last ch...
你也在考虑离开？
You're thinking of leaving, too?
我当然想离开
Of course I want to leave.
这是莫大的荣誉和机会啊
It is such a great honor and opportunity,
我终于有机会用我愚蠢的一生
and I would have a chance to finally do something
做点什么了
with my stupid eternal life.
但事实并非如此
But it is not to be.
好 -什么?!
Good. -What?!
我是说 呃 为什么？
I mean, uh, why?
因为拉兹洛再也不会回英格兰了
Because Laszlo will never go back to England.
你听到他说的了 他已经发誓了
You heard him. He has sworn it.
但是我不能让他一个人呆着
But I cannot leave him on his own.
我在1924年度过了两周假期
You know, I went on holiday for two weeks in 1924,
我回来的时候 他都没吃过一次东西
and when I got back, he hadn't fed himself once.
他把所有的时间都花在写诗和手♥淫♥上
He spent all his time writing poetry and wanking.
所以 不 我不能去
So, no, I can't go.
你是说如果拉兹洛不去
So you're saying if Laszlo doesn't go,
那你肯定不会去了?
then you certainly won't go?
我刚才就是这么跟你说的
I literally just said that to you.
我知道我看起来很惊慌
I know it seems like I'm panicking,
但我没有 我只是害怕
but I'm not panicking. It's just that I'm afraid
就像一个派对 一旦有人离开了
it's like a party; as soon as one person leaves the party,
另一个人决定他们也可以离开派对
another person decides it's okay for them to leave the party,