历史人物吐槽会（2019）

I'll be in the lobby if anyone wants a head shot.
谢谢
Thank you.
先生 你是一个伟大的美国人
Great American, sir. You're a great American.
请鞠躬 约翰·威尔克斯·布思先生
Take a bow, Mr. John Wilkes Booth.
准备好迎接重头戏了吗
Are you ready for your main event?
历史迷们 坐稳了
History buffs, get on your feet
欢迎"伐木者"
and welcome the fucking Rail Splitter,
掌声热烈欢迎
and emancipate some goddamn noise
亚伯拉罕·林肯
for Abraham Lincoln!
善良的人们请记住
Good people, let it be known
我们应该大人不记小人过
that we should be too big to take offense,
勿以恶小而为之
and too noble to give it.
但这是吐槽大会 管它呢
But this is a roast, so fuck it.
我很诚实
I'm very honest.
杰夫 你在意大利面斯堡演讲中
Jeff, I was quite moved by the passion you exhibited
表现出来的热情让我很感动
in your Spaghetti-sburg Address.
这个好笑 亚伯
That's a good one, Abe.
塔布曼女士
Now, Ms. Tubman...
你今晚你真的把我怼得不轻
I want you to know you did rather tan my hide this evening,
我很感谢你 真的
and that I thank you for, I do.
我真的很喜欢
I do enjoy a fine spanking
被变♥态♥黑人妹打屁屁
from a BBW that's kinky.
但是我很欣赏你扮演的重要角色 哈里特·塔布曼
However, Harriet Tubman, I appreciate your important role,
我真的很感谢你努力解放黑人
I really do, in the struggle to liberate black men and women.
历史学家说你解放了70名奴隶
Historians say that you freed 70 slaves.
天啊 了不起的成就啊
My my, what an accomplishment.
70个奴隶
Seventy whole slaves.
也就是 我想想
Why, that's... let me see,
70乘以3/5是
70 times three-fifths is...
超过40个人啊
Why, that's over 40 people!
谢谢你对这个国家的贡献 塔布曼女士
Thank you for your service to this country, Ms. Tubman.
很高兴见到你 玛丽
Great to see you, Mary.
我就喜欢你吃药的样子
I always loved you medicated.
我超爱玛丽的
And I'm nuts over Mary.
她只有这么高
She's this tall.
这个笑话太老了 是我1860年偷的
That joke is so old, I stole it in 1860.
我就不诚实过那一次
That was the only time I've ever been dishonest, actually.
现在我想把注意力转向约翰·威尔克斯·布思先生
Now, I would like to turn my attention to Mr. John Wilkes Booth,
现在想想
which, when I think about it,
我死前就该这么做的
is something I should have done a few moments earlier in my life.
你以为开枪就能破坏我的影响力
You shot me thinking it would end my relevance,
但并非如此
but it didn't.
你以为可以让
You thought you could clip the wings
民众心中的天使折翼
from the better angels of our nature,
把我的事迹从我国的历史上抹去
and wipe my legacy from our nation's history.
你现在感受如何 鸡♥巴♥脸
How do you like me now, fuck-face?
上次跟你合作后
You're the worst actor I've seen
我觉得你是我见过最差的演员
since the last time I worked with you.
不 不
No, no.
拜托
Come on.
但不幸的是 这个国家在很多方面
But unfortunately, in too many ways,
都和我去世时一样支离破碎
this country is just as fractured as I left it.
如果国家明天就南北分♥裂♥
If the North and the South were to split tomorrow,
似乎很多人都会高兴
it seems many people would rejoice.
但正如某人说过
But as someone once said,
家和万事兴
"A house divided against itself cannot stand."
等等
Wait a second.
这个人是亚伯·林肯
That someone was Abe Lincoln.
我就是亚伯·林肯
I'm Abe Lincoln!
棒
Nice.
请允许我简明地解释一下
Allow me to explain in clear and concise terms.
少来
Knock it the fuck off.
我都为此被枪杀了
I got shot for this shit.
美国人 如果你不喜欢掌权者
Americans, if you don't like who's in charge,
就做点什么 去投票
do something about it and vote.
我们必须跟掌权者作斗争 跟我说
We've got to fight the powers that be. Let me hear you say that.
与权力斗争
Fight the power.
与权力斗争
Fight the power!
与权力斗争
Fight the power.
与权力斗争
Fight the power!
与掌权者斗争
Fight the power that be.
与掌权者斗争
Fight the power that be!
晚安 美国同胞 非常感谢
Good night, my fellow Americans. Thank you very much.
吐槽大会造就了历史
This roast is history.
为亚伯拉罕·林肯掌声鼓励吧
Give it up for Abraham Lincoln.
我的朋友 鲍勃·萨吉特
My pal, Bob Saget!
鞠躬 鲍勃
Take a bow, Bob.
掌声鼓励饰演玛丽·托德·林肯的娜塔莎·莱格罗
Let's hear it for Natasha Leggero as Mary Todd Lincoln.
饰演哈里特·塔布曼的山奈卡·桑德斯
Yamaneika Saunders as Harriet Tubman.
过来鞠躬
Come over here and take a bow.
饰演约翰·威尔克斯·布斯的约翰·斯塔莫斯
John Stamos as John Wilkes Booth.
饰演弗雷德里克·道格拉斯的杰伦·霍顿
And Jerron Horton as the great Frederick Douglass.
谢谢
Thank you.
感谢收看《历史吐槽大会》
Thanks for watching another Historical Roast,
我们给历史上了一课
where we're teaching history a lesson.
杰夫·罗斯 掌声鼓励
Jeff Ross, everybody!