历史人物吐槽会（2019）

♪ I'm the King ♪
♪ 李小龙会空手道 ♪
♪ Bruce Lee had his karate ♪
♪ 贝比喜欢免费自助餐 ♪
♪ And Babe took advantage Of the free buffet ♪
♪ 拳击搅乱了阿里的演讲 ♪
♪ Boxing shook up Ali's speech ♪
♪ 我却为拯救海滩拍了29部电影 ♪
♪ While I made 29 movies About saving the beach ♪
♪ 我是猫王 ♪
♪ I'm the King ♪
♪ 我是猫王 ♪
♪ I'm the King ♪
♪ 我不需要球场 银幕或者拳击场 ♪
♪ I don't need the field Or the screen or the ring ♪
♪ 我在城里放荡 ♪
♪ I go crazy in town ♪
♪ 载歌♥载舞 我是猫王 ♪
♪ I go dancing around I'm the King ♪
♪ 穆♥罕♥默♥德♥早上4点起床 ♪
♪ Well Muhammad gets up at 4 a.m. ♪
♪ 出去跑个几英里 ♪
♪ Goes out and runs About a mile or ten ♪
♪ 整天打沙包 直到脸色发青 ♪
♪ Hits the bag all day 'Til he's blue in the face ♪
♪ 我却坐在沙发上舔屄♥♥吃蛋糕 ♪
♪ While I'm sitting on the couch Eating pussy and cake ♪
而且我蛋糕吃完了
And I'm out of cake.
大家好啊
Oh, hey, everybody.
♪ 我是猫王 ♪
♪ I'm the King ♪
♪ 我是猫王 ♪
♪ I'm the King ♪
♪ 不需要球场 银幕或者拳击场 ♪
♪ Don't need the field Or the screen or the ring ♪
♪ 我的音乐是从从黑人那里偷 停 ♪
♪ Stole my music from the blacks-- Whoa, stop! ♪
停下
Stop.
我唱错了
That's wrong.
我只偷过这些垃圾的风头
The only thing I stole is the show from these hacks.
♪ 因为 ♪
♪ Because ♪
♪ 因为 ♪
♪ Because ♪
♪ 我是猫王 ♪
♪ I'm the King ♪
非常感谢
Thank you very much.
续摊派对后再见 猫王
I'll see you later after the after-party, Elvis.
放荡之地再见 宝贝
Yeah, I'll see you at disgrace-land, baby.
阿里的御用的场外指导
Ooh, it appears to be a last-minute pep talk
好像要给他最后打个气
from Ali's longtime cornerman,
安吉洛·邓迪
Angelo Dundee.
让我们听听看
Let's listen in on the action.
今晚你吃了几记重拳 拳王
You've been taking some hard hits tonight, champ.
说段子要有铺垫
There's no punchlines without setups.
如果段子好笑 你就接着说
If a punchline lands, you tag it up.
我准备好了 我准备好了
I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.
我跟你说过很多次了
I told you so many times,
友善一点没有坏处 但除了今晚
it doesn't cost anything more to be nice, except tonight.
这是吐槽大会 别当好人
It's a roast. Be a dick.
-好 -我明白
- All right. - I understand.
如果你没有段子了
If you run out of jokes,
就边说边想
you stick and move.
你就说李小龙他妈
You're gonna talk about Bruce Lee's mama
然后就打爆他的屁♥股♥
and then it's upper butt, upper butt, upper butt!
至于贝比·鲁斯 他的嘴和屁♥眼♥作用相反
And Babe Ruth, that guy burps farts and shits puke.
那才是真正的恐怖节目
That's a real horror show.
还记得你以逸待劳地击败福尔曼吗
Remember the rope-a-dope you beat Foreman with?
今晚就用段子笑死他们
Tonight it's joke-and-choke.
你可以的
You got it.
让他们笑得喘不过气来
Alright, get 'em laughing so hard they can't breathe.
让他们像杰夫那样仰着睡到窒息
I want 'em choking like Jeff sleeping on his back.
争点气
Go out there and make me proud
干掉他们 小子
and murder 'em, kid.
我得去帮麦克·泰森养鸽子了
All right, I got to go help Mike Tyson with the pigeons.
请回角落 先生
Back to your corner, sir.
-谢谢 -好吧
- Thank you. - Alright.
重头戏要开始了
It's time for the main event!
这个角落的是重236磅
In this corner, weighing 236 pounds,
来自肯塔基州路易斯维尔
from Louisville, Kentucky,
奥♥运♥金牌得主
Olympic gold medalist
三届世界重量级冠军
and three-time heavyweight champion of the world,
出生时名为卡修斯·克莱
born Cassius Clay,
但现在全世界都知道他是最伟大的拳王
but now known around the planet as the Greatest,
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Muhammad
阿里
Ali!
好了 该到我了
All right, all right, all right, it's about time.
谢谢你 霍华德
Thank you, Howard.
霍华德·科塞尔是唯一一个我刚改名时
Howard Cosell was the only one who called me Muhammad Ali
叫我穆♥罕♥默♥德♥·阿里的人
when I changed my name.
但你们不知道 他因为我赚了很多钱
But what you don't know is that he made so much money from me,
多到他都想把自己的名字改成银行·本票了
he wanted to change his name to Cashier's Check.
-开玩笑啦 -靠
- I'm just playing. - Dammit.
我知道你不是霍华德·科塞尔 你是杰夫·罗斯
And I know you're not Howard Cosell, you're Jeff Ross.
我在拳击场上的舞步很精准
I dance around the ring with precision.
杰夫 但是大家一致认为你很丑
But, Jeff, you are ugly by unanimous decision.
贝比·鲁斯
And Babe Ruth,
直到今天我才见到你
I never met you 'til today,
但我看过你打球
but I saw you play,
你作为白人 算是很棒的球员了
and you were a very good ball player for a white man.
但你跑垒也太慢了吧
You took forever to run them bases.
我是想邀请你当穆♥斯♥林♥的
I'd ask you to be a Muslim,
但我们斋月得禁食
but on Ramadan we have to go fast.
埃维斯 你自称猫王
And Elvis, oh, you call yourself the King.
我第一次在收音机里听到你的声音时
When I first heard you on the radio,
我以为你是黑人
you sound like a black man.
在他们告诉我你赚了多少钱之前
I didn't believe you were white
我一直不相信你是白人
until they told me how much money you were making.
那么多的钱啊
All the money. All the money.
你是猫王 但我是拳王
You're the King, but I'm the Greatest.
拳王
Yeah, champ!
要成为拳王 你永远不能
To be the greatest, you can never,
被任何事击败
ever let anything get you down.
我对我的帕金森症不是很在意 甩甩手就完事了
I didn't dwell too much on my Parkinson's, I just shook it off.
传世成就非常重要
Having a legacy is important.
我很喜欢看到运动员
I love it when athletes use
发声改善世界
their voices to make the world a better place.
2002年 我作为联♥合♥国♥和平使者
In 2002, I went on a listening tour to Afghanistan
去阿富汗聆听那里的声音
as a UN Messenger of Peace.
整个旅行都是我在说话
I talked the whole trip.
今天 我想看到大家能像我一样自我定义
Today, I like to see people like me define themselves.
这样很好
That's good.
我在世的所做所为都是在自我定义
When I was around, all I did was define myself.
我从不让别人给我下定义
I never let others define me.
拳王也是我给自己定义的
I was the Greatest because I said so.
你在韦伯字典查穆♥罕♥默♥德♥·阿里
When you look up Muhammad Ali in Webster's Dictionary,
会查到什么
what do you find?
什么都没有 我刚说了
Nothing! I just told you,
我都是自我定义
I define myself!
我这辈子没输过 因为我输的时候
I didn't lose in life because, when I did,
无论是在拳赛中还是活不下去的时候
whether it was my fight or my ability to earn a living,
-我从没躺下认输过 -是的
- I never stayed down. - Yeah!
我被击倒后就会站起来
I get knocked down, then I get up.
虽然我会摇摇晃晃的 但我不会躺下
Weebles and wobbles, but they don't fall down.
我的身体和大脑都明白
I learned conceptually what I knew intuitively,
拼搏造就肌肉
struggle makes muscle.
如果你照我说的去做
Now, if you follow all the things that I've said
追逐我的脚步
and do all the things that I've done,
你依然不会像我这么出色
then you still won't be as great as me,
因为拳王只有一个
'cause there's only one Greatest,
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥·阿里
Muhammad Ali!
晚安
Good night!
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥·阿里万岁
Long live Muhammad Ali!
谢谢拳王
Thank you, champ!
各位 吐槽大会已经被击倒了
This roast is down for the count, everybody.
掌声鼓励拳王
Give it up for the champ,
饰演穆♥罕♥默♥德♥·阿里的杰里尔·怀特
Jaleel White as Muhammad Ali!
饰演贝比·鲁斯的约翰·金伯利
John Gemberling as Babe Ruth!
约翰·迪马乔
My pal John DiMaggio
饰演了安吉洛·邓迪
as Angelo Dundee.
饰演乔·弗雷泽的贾马尔·内波斯