历史人物吐槽会（2019）

because we go way back.
并不是因为某个公车司机让我们老实点
And not because some bus driver told us to.
金博士对我来说就像哥哥
Dr. King is like a brother to me.
我们一起游♥行♥
We marched together,
一起上法庭
went to court together,
一起获得权利
got rights together.
这句话送给你 马丁
So here's to you, Martin.
就像现在孩子们常说的那样
As the kids often say today,
潇洒走一回 至死方休
we were ride or die.
我潇洒走一回
I rode,
你至死休矣
you died.
晚安
Good night!
谢谢你 罗莎
Thank you, Rosa.
再次掌声鼓励民权英雄
Give it up one more time for civil rights hero,
罗莎·帕克斯
Rosa Parks! !
下一位发言人是第一位黑人总统
Our next speaker was the first black president,
诺♥贝♥尔♥和♥平♥奖♥获得者
a Nobel Peace Prize winner
还是飞行杀人机器之父
and father of the flying murder robot.
他来了 吐槽司令 巴拉克·奥巴马
Here he is, the roastmaster-in-chief, Barack Obama!
我们可以 我们可以 我们可以
Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.
我们可以 我们可以
Yes, we can! Yes, we can!
谢谢 非常感谢
Thank you, thank you very much.
是的 我们可以开吐槽大会
Yes, we can get a roast. All right.
我本以为我再也见不到一个叫尼尔森的人
I thought I'd never see the day that a man named Nelson
来挑战我的黑人血统 但他还是来了
would challenge my blackness, but yet here we are.
我听说《无境之兽》
I heard of Beasts of No Nation,
但你看起来像是没有乳液的野兽
but you look like beasts of no lotion.
舔一下吧
Yeah, lick it.
你都起灰了
You're ashy.
他看上去就想在婴儿爽身粉里游泳一样
Look like he's been swimming in baby powder.
我看到你这身行头时 尼尔森 我得说实话
Now, when I saw your outfit, Nelson, I got to be honest,
我都不知道你是要和我握手 还是要给我看手相
I wasn't sure if you were going to shake my hand or read my palm.
记住 尼尔森 别起来
Remember, Nelson-- no, don't get up.
请坐 坐下
Sit down, please. Sit.
在我担任总统期间
Now during my time as president,
人们经常把我比作
people often compared me
马丁·路德·金博士
to Dr. Martin Luther King.
他们说 巴拉克·奥巴马
They said, "Barack Obama,
你的举止就像已故的金博士
the way you carry yourself resembles that of the late Dr. King."
你也希望像我一样酷炫吧
You wish you had as much swag as me.
你的缺点在于你不够酷炫 对吗
Your downfall was that you weren't cool enough, am I right?
当然 你是有粉丝 但你看过我的图享网吗
Sure, you had the following, but have you seen my Instagram?
一亿个赞
100 million likes,
那还只是乔·拜登点的
and that's from Joe Biden.
拜托
Come on, now.
感谢你为我的成功铺平了道路
Thank you for paving the way for all my success.
如果没有马丁·路德·金 就不会有奥巴马
There would be no Barack Obama if there was no MLK.
掌声鼓励马丁·路德·金
Let's hear it right now. Give it up for MLK.
没有他就没有巴拉克
There'd be no Barack.
在我的总统任期内 你对我有巨大的影响
You were a huge influence throughout my presidency.
每天 我都会对我的员工说
Every day, I would address my staff,
我会说 记住马丁·路德·金
and I would say, "Remember Martin Luther King!
别让那破事发生在我身上 谢谢
And don't let that shit happen to me." Thank you.
上帝保佑美国
God bless America!
我们可以
Yes, we can!
我们可以 我们可以
Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!
谢谢 总统
Thank you, Pres.
再次掌声鼓励奥巴马总统
One more time for President Barack Obama.
金博士 今晚有这么多人
Dr. King, so many people were excited to come out
想向你致敬
and honor you tonight.
我们请到了一个和你同时代的人
We've got one of your contemporaries,
他是一位大力支持公民权利运动的
a politician who was a great supporter
政♥治♥家
of the civil rights movement.
肯尼迪的司法部长 也是他的弟弟
JFK's attorney general and little brother,
鲍比·肯尼迪来了
Bobby Kennedy is here!
请起立 先生
Stand up, sir!
-好 -感谢邀请
- Yeah! - Thank you for having me.
肯尼迪先生 金博士被暗♥杀♥后
Mr. Kennedy, you gave one of the most moving speeches of the 20th century
你做了一个20世纪最感人的演讲
when Dr. King was assassinated.
所以很多人都惊讶地发现
So a lot of people were surprised to learn that,
你作为司法部长
as attorney general,
授权联调局监听他的电♥话♥并监视他
you authorized the FBI to tap his phones and spy on him.
-怎么回事 -嗯
- What gives? - Well...
杰夫 我们怀疑金博士是共♥产♥主义者
Jeff, Dr. King was suspected of being a communist,
当时认为他是一个严重的威胁
which at that time was considered a serious threat.
那是不同的时代
It was a different... era.
-时代 -是的 历史时期
- Era? - Yeah, like time period.
抱歉 我的波士顿口音有点烦
I'm sorry, I have a debilitating Boston accent.
作为司法部长 你还监视了谁
As attorney general, who else did you spy on?
你还监听了谁
Who else did you bug back then?
我看过雷·查尔斯和史提夫·汪达
I've seen disturbing footage of Ray Charles
打乒乓球的奇葩录像
playing ping-pong with Stevie Wonder.
好吧 还有呢
Okay, what else? What else?
我们还有马尔科姆·X说奴隶制是一种选择的录音
We've also got audio of Malcolm X saying slavery was a choice.
我们还有玛丽莲·梦露同意堕胎的
We've even got Marilyn Monroe agreeing to get an abortion.
-真的吗 -当时她被枪指着呢
- Really? - That one was at gunpoint.
瞧 有意思的
See, funny--
有意思的是 她当时怀了我
Funny story, she was pregnant with either my baby
或者我哥的孩子
or my brother's baby,
因为我们在同一个月内和她发生了性关系
because we'd both had sex with her within the same month,
听起来很酷 但其实相当恶心
which sounds cool, but is actually pretty gross.
太恶心了
That is disgusting.
对于普通人来说 这没错
For a normal person, sure,
但对于肯尼迪家来说 我都算得上祭坛侍者了
but for a Kennedy I'm practically an altar boy.
罗伯特·肯尼迪 你一直支持民权运动
RFK, you always supported the civil rights movement.
你现在担心人们认为你是个伪君子吗
Are you afraid now people will think you're a hypocrite?
杰夫 我确实犯了错
Jeff, mistakes were made, sure,
但我的结局也不美满啊
but it's not like I had a happy ending.
-总有一天你也会像我一样死去 -为什么
- I died the same way you will someday. - How's that?
死在厨房♥的地板上
On the floor of a kitchen.
-我被瑟罕·瑟罕杀了 -嗯
- I was killed by Sirhan Sirhan. - Right.
而你肯定会被烤牛肉三明治
You, of course, will be killed by roast beef sandwich
烤牛肉三明治杀死的
roast beef sandwich.
听起来不错 罗伯特·肯尼迪 掌声鼓励
That doesn't sound so bad! Robert Kennedy, everybody!
-谢谢 谢谢 -罗伯特·肯尼迪
- Thank you. Thank you. - RFK! RFK! RFK!
罗伯特·肯尼迪 掌声鼓励
RFK, everybody!
一个美国英雄
An American hero.
英年早逝
Gone too soon.
是时候让主角登场了
Okay, it's time to hear from the man of the hour.
马丁·路德·金 你今晚证明了
Martin Luther King, I think you've proved tonight
你很有影响力
you're a good sport.
牧师 来布个道吧
Now, Reverend, come to the pulpit and preach.
他来了 马丁·路德·金
Here he is, Martin Luther King Jr.
♪ 我们终将克服 ♪
♪ We shall overcome ♪
‎我们终将克服
马丁·路德·金
MLK! MLK! MLK!
今晚能来这里真的很荣幸
It's truly an honor to be here tonight
周围有这么多有成就 受人尊敬 令人钦佩的人
surrounded by so many accomplished, respected, admirable people,
偷了我的段子
who stole my act.
我感觉很幸运
I feel so blessed
罗莎·帕克斯今晚在这里
that Rosa Parks is here tonight.
罗莎·帕克斯不仅仅是拒绝从座位上起来
Rosa Parks did more than just refuse to get up out of her seat.
她也
She also...
她
She...
那啥 我回头再说吧
You know what? Let me get back to you on that one.
纳尔逊·曼德拉 很高兴见到你 兄弟
Nelson Mandela, it's good to see you, brother.
你终于保释了
I see you finally made bail.
你们得小心点他 他总是要你们
You gotta watch this one, he's always asking you
把一些东西放在他的书上
to put something on his books.
自从你被关起来以后 沧海桑田啊
A lot has changed since you've been locked up.
黑人和白人现在平等了
Blacks and whites are now equal.