历史人物吐槽会（2019）

大家好 你们好吗
Hi, everybody! How the hell are ya?
奏乐
Hit the music.
把旗帜拿出来
Get the flags out.
因为今晚 我们要吐槽我最喜欢的总统
'Cause tonight, we're roasting my favorite president,
亚伯拉罕·林肯
Abraham Lincoln!
没人想过去拆掉林肯的雕像
No one's trying to pull down Lincoln's statues.
150年来 他一直没有丑闻
For 150 years, he's remained scandal-free
正如他的绰号♥ 诚实的亚伯
and true to that nickname, "Honest Abe."
一直都是绅士
Always a gentleman,
连♥战♥争都是"内战"
even his war was civil.
这场内战死了75万人
If by civil, you mean 750,000 people died.
60万人在战斗中丧生
Six hundred thousand died in battle
其余的死于痢疾
and the rest died from dysentery.
快笑 不然我就传染你痢疾
Laugh, or I'll give you dysentery.
所以为了纪念亚伯
So in Abe's honor,
我拿了镶框的国会图书馆画作
I keep a framed Library of Congress portrait
挂在我的马桶上面
over my toilet.
但好消息是 我已经憋了一整天
But the good news is, I've been holding it in all day
就为今晚拉在老亚伯身上了
just to dump on old Abe tonight.
我就不说冷笑话了
So, with no further a-doo-doo jokes,
开始吐槽
It's time to roast
亚伯拉罕
Abraham stinkin'...
林肯
Lincoln!
历史吐槽大会
第一季 第一集
我叫杰夫·罗斯 人称吐槽将军
My name is Jeff Ross. They call me the Roastmaster General.
今晚 历史吐槽协会要向亚伯拉罕·林肯致敬
Tonight, The Historical Roasting Society honors Abraham Lincoln,
吐槽者有... 他们来了
and his roasters, here they come,
玛丽·托德·林肯
Mary Todd Lincoln...
哈里特·塔布曼
Harriet Tubman...
还有约翰·威尔克斯·布斯
and John Wilkes Booth.
我们爱你 林肯
We love you, Lincoln!
大家起立欢迎美国最伟大的总统及吸血鬼猎人
All rise for America's greatest president and vampire hunter.
他很高 很瘦 还是个释放奴隶的机器
He's tall, he's lean, he's a slave-freeing machine,
亚伯拉罕·没有中间名·林肯
Abraham no-middle-name Lincoln!
罗斯将军
General Ross.
总统先生 很荣幸见到你
Mr. President, what an honor to meet you, sir.
是幸会的意思吗
Is it a pleasure to meet you?
这有一些硬币
Here's some pennies.
谢谢总统先生
Thank you, Mr. President.
-请坐 -谢谢 先生
- Please, have a seat. - Thank you, sir.
太兴奋了
This is exciting.
总统先生 准备好了吗
Are you ready for this, Mr. President?
开火吧
Fire away.
不当
Bad...
选词不当
Bad choice of words.
我居然能见到伟大的解放者
I can't believe I'm meeting the Great Emancipator,
他也叫"伐木者" 这也是
and the old Rail Splitter, which is also...
约翰·斯塔莫斯在交友软件的名字
John Stamos' name on Grindr.
总统先生
But Mr. President,
你在历史上一直都是诚实的亚伯
to history, you are and always will be "Honest Abe,"
这是你在当年轻店主时的名字
a name you got as a young shopkeeper.
据说
Story goes,
有一次你不小心给一个顾客少找了钱
you once accidentally short-changed a customer,
就走了六英里还他几个硬币
and walked six miles just to return a few pennies.
当那个人意识到你走了多远后
When that man realized how far you walked,
他很感谢 然后拿走了硬币
he thanked you, and then he took those pennies.
又给自己买♥♥了一个奴隶
And he bought himself another slave.
林肯先生 因为你
Mr. Lincoln, because of you,
没人在市场卖♥♥出最高价钱了
men and women can no longer be sold to the highest bidder.
当然 除非他们想当选参议员
Unless, of course, they're trying to get elected to the senate.
总统先生 你的一生很艰苦
You had a hard life, Mr. President.
林肯先生 你九岁的时候
Mr. Lincoln, when you were nine, your mother,
你母亲南希·汉克斯·林肯死于乳毒病
Nancy Hanks Lincoln, died of milk sickness.
她的保存期限是1818年10月5日
Her expiration date was October 5th, 1818.
你看着你母亲死去
You watched as your mom died,
兄弟死去 姐妹死去
your brother died, and your sister died.
你爱上的第一个女人死去
The first woman you fell in love with died.
当国家自取灭亡时
When the country was killing itself,
你看着你的两个儿子死去
you watched two of your sons die.
你的名字诅咒太深
The curse on your name runs so deep,
在过来的路上 我的林肯领航员都抛锚了
on the way over here, my Lincoln Navigator died.
总统先生 下面是真实的故事 各位
Mr. President, and this is true, folks,
你年轻时是摔跤冠军
when you were young, you were a champion wrestler.
在300场比赛中 你只输过一次
In 300 matches, you were only beaten once...
被丑陋打败
by the ugly stick.
林肯先生 你解放奴隶的时候
While you were at it, Mr. Lincoln, you should've emancipated
顺便解放一下你脸上的痣啊
that mole from your fucking face.
你6尺5寸 你是我们最高的总统
At 6'5", you're our tallest president.
你原本可能成为有史以来最伟大的篮球运动员之一
You could've been one of the greatest basketball players of all time
如果你没有去做那事
if you hadn't... done what you did.
葛底斯堡可怕的战役之后
After the gruesome battle of Gettysburg,
战争迎来一个转折点
the war reached a turning point.
此时你发表了最著名的演讲
It was then you gave your most famous speech:
《葛底斯堡演说》
The Gettysburg Address.
87年前
"Four score and seven years ago
我们的父辈在这片大♥陆♥上出生
our fathers brought forth on this continent
自♥由♥孕育的新国家
a new nation conceived in liberty
并致力于主张人人生而平等
and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."
演讲只持续了两分钟
The speech only lasted two minutes,
玛丽·托德说这很正常
which Mary Todd said was the usual.
总统先生 你完成了
Mr. President, you did something
现代总统没有的成就
no modern president has accomplished.
那就是你真的有所成就
You accomplished stuff.
我只会吐槽我爱的人 我爱你 亚伯拉罕·林肯
I only roast the ones I love, and I love you, Abraham Lincoln.
你不仅维护了国家统一 废除了奴隶制
You not only preserved the union and abolished slavery,
多亏了你 我们一年有一天
but thanks to you, one day a year,
电视和皮卡车都能打75折
we get 25 percent off on TVs and pickup trucks!
美国万岁
USA! USA!
美国万岁
USA!
是时候让其他人吐槽你了
Now it's time to let a few other people take a shot at you.
我们的主要成就是改建白宫
Our main accomplishment was remodeling the White House,
现在又称作
or what it's known today,
俄♥罗♥斯♥大使♥馆♥
the Russian Embassy.
她来了 美国第16任第♥一♥夫♥人♥
Here she is, the 16th first lady of these United States,
玛丽·托德·林肯
Mary Todd Lincoln!
谢谢你 杰夫
Thank you, Jeff.
看看这些白人男性
Look at all these white men. Is this a roast
这是吐槽大会还是妇女生育权大会
or a meeting on women's reproductive rights?
罗斯先生 谢谢你的赞安诺
Thank you for the Xanax, Mr. Ross.
客气
Of course.
但我怎么感觉
Why, to my blue eyes,
你更像是吃了瑞贝尔·威尔森的北方士兵
you more resemble a Yankee soldier who ate a Rebel Wilson.
哈丽特 很高兴再次见到你
Harriet, it's nice to see you again.
哈丽特是个传奇
Harriet is a legend.
瘸帮会戴头巾都是因为她
Single-handedly responsible for the headwear of the Crips.
亚伯拉罕和我刚结婚的时候
When Abraham and I were first wed,
他还是个身材魁梧的年轻人
he was a strapping young lad,
能挥斧头 犁田地
who could swing an ax and plow a field
一个能顶五个人
with the strength of five men.
但我好希望他能多耕耕我这块地
I wish he had plowed my field more, but...
亚伯拉罕告诉我
as Abraham told me,
他和他毕生好友约书亚·斯皮德
he and his life-long friend, Joshua Speed,
要在月光下散步做重要的工作
had important work to do during their moonlit strolls,
烛光晚餐和夜宿也要做
candle-lit dinners and sleepovers.
你能正当地睡在约书亚的床上
Why sleep in my bed when you could sleep in Joshua's bed
为什么还要睡我的床
in a completely customary, normal way at the time?
咀嚼以后 药效更快一些
You know, they hit you faster when you chew 'em.
-好 玛丽 -加油 玛丽
- Yes, Mary! - Get him, Mary!
人们常常幻想与总统上♥床♥
People often fantasize about beddin' a president.
我也是