历史人物吐槽会（2019）

You know, friends betraying each other, armies locked in combat.
人们消灭敌人的女友
You'd see people wiping out their enemies' girlfriends,
妻子 家人 所有人
their wives, their families, everybody, you know?
都是为了巩固力量
All in a quest to solidify power.
就像是
It was like
争权
a game
的
of...
游戏
crowns,
或是争权的游乐场
or of, like, a throne crown,
但是
but, like...
就像一场 我知道了
It was like a game of... I got it.
《家庭问答》
Family Feud.
对 《家庭问答》
Like Family Feud.
总之
Anyway...
对了 你可能不了解我和埃及艳后的事
By the way, I guess you didn't know about me and Cleopatra.
-很抱歉 -的确不知道
- Sorry about that. - Nope.
她最喜欢的游戏是"藏肉卷"
But let's just say her favorite game was "Hide the braciole."
你懂的
You know what I mean.
你明白吧
You know what I mean, right?
看来都懂 我来了 我看见了
I'm preaching to the choir here. I came, I saw,
我又射了
I came again.
凯撒 我没想到你会生我的气
Caesar, I never thought you were gonna be upset with me.
你就像我的兄弟
You were like a brother to me.
埃及艳后的床就像橄榄园餐厅
All right, and Cleopatra's bed is like the Olive Garden,
只要你来 你就是家人
'cause when you're there, you're family.
埃及艳后 宝贝 我爱你
Cleopatra baby, baby. I love you. I love you.
我觉得你是个好妈妈
And as far as I'm concerned, you're a good mom, you know?
我知道我早该这么说了
I know I should have said this a long time ago,
感谢你没有杀害或嫁给我们的孩子
but thanks for not killing or marrying any of our kids.
我真的很感激 我都看到了
I really appreciate that. It did not go unnoticed.
古国有句老话
Well, as they say in the Old Country...
有些人听不懂 意思就是
And for those of you that don't speak the mother tongue, that means,
再见 混♥蛋♥们
adios, motherfuckers!
宝贝 宝贝 宝贝
Baby, baby, baby!
你抹了好多粉啊
Oh, that is a lot of makeup.
你的护档从腹股沟掉下来了
Your cup fell off your groin piece there.
马克·安东尼 掌声鼓励
Give it up for Mark Antony, everybody.
埃及艳后 你不仅是一个历史人物
Cleopatra, not only are you a historical figure,
也是一个文学人物
but you're also a literary figure.
今晚
Here tonight,
《安东尼与埃及艳后》的作者
author of the play Antony and Cleopatra,
从埃文河畔的斯特拉特福德远道而来
all the way from Stratford-on-Avon, the immortal bard,
这位不朽的诗人 威廉·莎士比亚 请起立
William Shakespeare. Stand up, sir, please.
是我 威廉·莎士比亚
Yes, it is I, William Shakespeare.
我特别喜欢你 莎士比亚先生
Well, I'm a big fan, Mr. Shakespeare,
埃及艳后在你的作品中出现了很多次
and it must be great to finally meet the woman you wrote about
终于看到她了 你应该很高兴吧
so many times, Cleopatra.
是的 确实
Oh, yes, yes, indeed.
这个迷人的蛇蝎美人是我最棒的灵感之一
Yes, this sultry snake charmer was one of my greatest muses.
很多人认为你对她的描述并不准确
A lot of people think your version of her was inaccurate.
她很聪明 善于领导
She was smart, a good leader,
但你把她描绘成了一个普通的妓♥女♥
and you just wrote about her as a common whore.
不 不 不
No, no, no.
不是一般的妓♥女♥ 先生
Not a common whore, good sir.
她代表了动屌♥不动脑的巅峰
She represented the zenith of dong foolery.
但你不觉得应该囊括
But don't you think you should have included
她一些成就吗
some of her accomplishments?
-她有那么多成就 -是的
- She had so many. - Forsooth!
我 真的
I... I... Verily...
我
I... I...
我是给穷♥人♥写烂剧的
Look, man, I wrote dumb plays for poor people.
那些蠢猴
These chuckle monkeys
又不会出去看
they weren't going to fucking come out to see, you know,
《女孩数学家音乐剧》
A Chick Does Math: the Musical.
里面得有性♥爱♥ 有性♥爱♥才能大卖♥♥
You gotta have sex! Sex sells, dude.
闹呢
Fucketh off.
威廉·莎士比亚
So you felt no responsibility,
所以你觉得与历史不符也没关系吗
William Shakespeare, to be historically accurate.
对啊 我又不知道你们这些装逼的白♥痴♥
Yeah, I didn't know that you pretentious cretins
会把我写的破剧写进教科书啊
were gonna teach the horseshit that I wrote in school.
好吗
All right?
戏剧本来就没有教育性 好吗
Theater's not supposed to be educational, all right?
这是一种享乐并让你忘记
It was a way to have some fun and forget the fact
你家人因瘟疫而死的方式
that the plague killed your family.
但人们都说你是
But you're considered
有史以来最伟大的戏剧作家 是个天才
the greatest drama writer of all time, a genius.
那个
Yeah... Look.
我写了39部戏剧 对吧
All I know is I wrote 39 plays, all right?
每一部都是大卖♥♥
And every single one of them was a blockbuster smash-hit,
但评论家们仍然很讨厌我
and yet, still the critics hated me.
我不是天才
I'm no genius.
我是泰勒·佩里
I'm Tyler Perry.
威廉·莎士比亚先生 请鞠躬
William Shakespeare. Take a bow, good sir.
你能来真是太好了
Means so much that you're here, sir.
我们在这个节目上看到了不少伟大的历史人物
We get some great historical figures on this show,
但从没见过神
but we've never had a god.
所以我今晚邀请了伊西斯
So I invited Isis here tonight.
埃及艳后声称是伊西斯的化身
Cleopatra claimed to be a reincarnation of Isis.
伊西斯是生育女神
Isis is the goddess of fertility
兼计划生育的死敌
and a sworn enemy of Planned Parenthood.
所有人起立欢迎伊西斯女神
All rise for the goddess Isis!
请坐
Please be seated.
凡人们好
Greetings, mortals.
我是伊西斯
I am Isis.
女性和母性的女神
Queen of the throne! Goddess of femininity and motherhood.
我有过很多名字
I am known by many names,
但我在你们人类历史上的地位是不可否认的
but my place in your petty human history is undeniable,
我一直以来都是创造的女性化身
for I am the eternal feminine archetype for creation!
公元前2600年已注册商标
Trademark, 2600 BC.
埃及艳后
Cleopatra.
我是来支持你的 我的孩子
I'm here for you, my child.
你把自己描绘成伊西斯的转世
You portrayed yourself as Isis resurrected,
靠自己的努力成为女神
a goddess in your own right.
法老 拜托
Pharaoh, please.
权力和淫♥荡♥是能领你进门
Being powerful and horny can get you into the club,
但这并不能让你成为女神 亲爱的
but it doesn't make you a goddess, honey.
你在帝国崩塌
Now, you took charge
饥荒肆虐时继位
when your empire was crumbling and famine was rampant,
作为凡人来说 你聪明而强大
but you're smart and strong for a mortal.
所以我选择了你来领导埃及
So you were my choice to lead Egypt.
当然 选择一个女人会激怒很多男人
And of course, choosing a woman pissed off a lot of men.
没有阴♥茎♥怎么统治国家
"How can she rule if she doesn't have a penis?"
用清醒的头脑啊 你们这群蠢货
With a clear head, you mouth breathers.
你们怎么敢玷污伟大埃及艳后的名声
How dare you peons soil the reputation of the great Cleopatra.
我想给你们下青蛙雨的
I'd rain frogs on you,
但你们意大利人可能会把青蛙加点大蒜给炸了
but you two guidos would probably just fry them in garlic.
凯撒 小凯
Caesar? Caesy?
你知道有多少人
Did you know how many people participated in your stabbing
在罗马元老院台阶上刺杀你吗
on the steps of the Roman Senate?
六十个
Sixty.
Six-zero.
你知道刺杀一个人需要多少人吗
Do you know how many people it takes to stab someone?
一个
One.
有59个人只是想参一脚
So 59 extra people just wanted in on that shit.
奏乐 把我的霹雳给我
Hit the track! Hand me my thunderbolt!
紧张吗 我来帮你放松
In a tight spot? I'll loosen it up!
对了 凯撒 你错了
And by the way, Caesar, you're wrong.
神的确存在
Gods do exist.
神不仅存在
Not only are all the gods real,
还都干过你妻子
but they also all fucked your wife.
凯西 你想了解一下吗
Would you like to hear about it, Caesy-poo?