历史人物吐槽会（2019）

Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player
贝比·鲁斯一直是最伟大的棒球运动员
before the invention of steroids and Dominicans.
请欢迎全垒打王者 圣婴贝比·鲁斯
Please welcome the Sultan of Swat, the Great Bambino, Babe Ruth!
谢谢 杰夫
Thanks, Jeff.
大家好
How's everybody doing?
抱歉今晚来晚了
Sorry to be late getting here tonight.
我今天去了趟儿童医院
The Babe had to stop off at the Children's Hospital,
但我到了那里 才发现
and wouldn't you know it, the Babe gets there and realizes
孩子太多 我的烟不够发
he don't have enough cigarettes for all the kids.
我也有病要治
I got my own medical problems to deal with.
手指关节炎
I got sausage fingers,
美食中毒
relish poisoning,
足部变形
pizza foot,
肺部变黑
butter lung,
阴♥茎♥发炎
penis gout,
吸烟肘
smoker's elbow.
我肛♥门♥刚得了结膜炎
And I just picked up a case of pink eye in my brown eye.
我后面痒死了
It's an itchy mess back there, folks.
比平时更要痒
More so than usual.
穆♥罕♥默♥德♥ 穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Muhammy... Muhammy...
谢谢你邀请我来参加这个派对
thank you for inviting the Babe to this lovely cookout.
太棒了
It certainly is the bee's knees.
我知道你是最伟大的拳王
The Babe knows you call yourself the Greatest,
但人生有两个选择
but there are two things...
当伟大的拳王
there's being the Greatest,
还是当贝比
and there's being the Babe.
贝比可以为所欲为
And the Babe can do anything the Babe wants.
你去过警局
When was the last time you walked into a police station
在大厅小便吗
and took a piss in the lobby?
你肯定去了厕所 你这个懦夫
I bet you use the bathroom, you cowards.
我才不会
Not the Babe.
你去过咖啡店
You ever go into a coffee shop,
点两个芝士蛋糕和一个服务员
order two cheesecakes and a waitress,
然后在吸烟区把三个都吃掉吗
then eat all three in the smoking section?
我现在要花点时间
But right now, the Babe needs to speak directly
直接跟孩子们聊聊
to the children for a moment.
给你们一个小建议
Gonna give you some advice real quick.
退学吧
Quit school.
我就退学了
The Babe did.
读书对打球不好
Reading isn't good for a ball player,
对眼睛不好
not good for his eyes.
所以我放弃了读书
So the Babe gave up reading,
这样我去女厕被抓包就有好借口了
which gave me a great excuse when I wound up in the ladies' room.
漂亮 贝比 加油 贝比
Get 'em, Babe! Go, Babe!
孩子们
Anyway, kids,
这个舞台上的所有人
every person on this stage
都不喜欢上学
told school to go stuff it in your grandpa's pocket.
但我们都是世界巨星
And we're the biggest stars in the world.
你觉得李小龙上过家政课吗
You think Brucie Lee over there ever sat through home ec?
扯淡
Applesauce!
他直接把共♥党♥老师的头踢了个稀巴烂
He foot-slapped that commie teacher upside the head
然后走出教室 用一个脚趾罚站一个小时
and then went outside and stood on one toe for an hour.
没错
That's right.
你认为光芒四射的猫王
You think that glittery Elvis Presley
会去看海明威的书吗
could thumb his way through Hemingway?
这个白♥痴♥上次拿书
Last time this fruitcake picked up a book,
还是为了碾碎安♥眠♥酮♥
it was to crush up quaaludes.
你知道他们让我在学校学什么吗
You know what they made the Babe study in school?
制衣
Shirt-making.
你觉得这些小指头能缝衣服吗
You think these Jimmy Deans could sew a dang shirt?
不可能的
No way, bub!
知道我做了什么吗
Know what the Babe did instead?
我出了学校
He went outside,
喝得昏天黑地
got bladdered up,
去打棒球了
and hit a baseball.
-现在我成了百万富翁 -没错
- Now the Babe's a millionaire. - Yeah!
听圣婴的话
So listen to the Great Bambino.
寻找梦想 放手去做
Find out what it is you like doing, and do that.
不要让别人来决定你的生活
Don't let people decide your life for you.
上大学的唯一理由
The only reason anyone should go to college
就是去学习怎么做♥爱♥的
is to learn how to screw.
如果我听了老师的话
If the Babe woulda listened to his teachers,
那我就成为史上最胖的制衣工了
he'd be the fattest shirt-maker ever.
但是
But instead,
我现在是有史以来最胖的球员
the Babe's the fattest ball player ever.
-漂亮 贝比 -好了
- Yeah, Babe! Tell 'em, Babe. - All right,
谢谢大家 我撤了
thank you! Exit stage bathroom.
我走哪边 这边吗 还是这边
Where am I going? Over here? Back over here?
爱你 好了
I love you. All right!
天啊 贝比·鲁斯 掌声鼓励
Holy cow! Babe Ruth, everybody!
为什么贝比看起来像是得了卢·格里格的病
Why does Babe look like he has Lou Gehrig's disease?
人人都说没有乔·弗雷泽就没有阿里
People say there would be no Ali without Joe Frazier.
在马尼拉之战前
Before the Thrilla in Manila,
你在世界舞台上侮辱乔·弗雷泽
you hurled insults at Joe Frazier on the world stage.
即使你参加了他的葬礼
And, even though you attended his funeral,
乔也没原谅你
Joe never forgave you.
今晚
So tonight,
我要让这两个好斗的拳手和睦相处
I make peace between this pair of pugnacious pugilists.
彼得
Peter...
佩克选了
Pecker picked the...
好斗的圈手
pugnacious pugilists...
拳手
Pugilist!
我知道
Yeah, I know.
今晚
So tonight,
我要让这两个互不顺眼的好斗拳手
I make peace between this pair of pugnacious...
和睦相处
guys who hate each other.
欢迎大老远从费城赶来的
Please welcome, all the way from Philly,
乔·弗雷泽
Smokin' Joe Frazier!
把他带出去 他太丑了
Get him outta here. Ugly, he's ugly.
乔·弗雷泽
Joe Frazier!
快过来
Come here.
你不行 乔 你不行
I ain't worried about you, Joe. I ain't worried about you.
乔 请告诉我们这场传奇争论的根源是什么
Joe, please tell us, what is the root of this legendary dispute?
他不敢去越南的时候
I spoke up for this motherfucker when he was too goddamn scared
-我帮他说话 -是的
- to go to Vietnam. - Yes you did.
-他怎么报答我的 -怎么报答的
- How does he pay me back? - How?
在国家电视台称我为大猩猩
Called me a gorilla on national TV,
就在马尼拉之战前
right before the Thrilla in Manila.
我一整年都没办法在公共场合吃香蕉
I couldn't eat bananas in public for a whole goddamn year.
克莱 就因为你 我的钾含量都过低了
I had dangerously low potassium levels because of you, Clay.
这招有点脏啊 穆♥罕♥默♥德♥
Oh, a low blow indeed, Muhammad.
你能解释一下吗
Do you care to explain?
马尼拉和大猩猩押韵又不是我的错
It's not my fault Manila rhymes with gorilla.
如果我们在布拉格 我就叫你狗了
If we were in Prague, I woulda called you a dog.
如果我们在巴哈马 我就取笑你妈了
If we were in the Bahamas, I'd have made fun of your mama.
如果我们在卢森堡
If we were in Luxembourg,
我可能会继续取笑你妈
I probably would've made fun of your mama some more.
过来
Come on over here.
-我的拳头可不是好惹的 -伙计们 冷静点
- You don't want none of this, boy. - Guys! Easy, fellas.
冷静点 我有血友病
Easy, I'm a bleeder.
他肯定不识字
And he sure ain't a reader.
拳王 你不觉得
Champ, don't you think
这么多年来你欠弗雷泽先生一个道歉吗
you owe Mr. Frazier an apology after all these years?
我在《纽♥约♥时♥报♥》上道歉了
I apologized in the New York Times.
我虽然叫过他大猩猩
I might've called him a gorilla once,
但他后来一直叫我卡修斯·克莱
but he spent the rest of his life calling me Cassius Clay,
这是我的奴隶名字
my slave name.
真正的男人就当面道歉
Real men apologize to each other's face.
你们两个今晚可以结束
Could this be the night that you two finally bring this bitter
这场互怼了吗
and bloody bout of belittlement to a be-close?
乔 我从没想过我会这么说