历史人物吐槽会（2019）

今晚是我梦想中的吐槽大会
Tonight, I have a dream roast,
可以说白人和黑人笑话
where white jokes and black jokes
还有"你妈"和"你不知道你♥爸♥是谁"的笑话
and "yo mama" jokes and "you never knew your daddy" jokes
在欢笑的交响曲中混合在一起
all mix together in a symphony of laughter.
可以说声哈利路亚吗
Can I get a hallelujah?
哈利路亚
Hallelujah!
我爬上山顶
I went to the mountaintop,
抽了一口大♥麻♥
and I smoked a doobie.
又做了一个梦
And I had another dream
我一个白人老人
that me, an old white man,
可以吐槽黑人历史
could roast black history
还能活着离开这里
and get out of here alive.
曾经有吉姆·克劳法
There was Jim Crow,
人们在街上死去
people dying in the streets,
在战争中死去
dying in wars,
在监狱死去
dying in jails.
没有平等的权利 最后
No equal rights, and then finally...
布朗起诉教育局法案
Brown vs. Board of Education.
能说声哈利路亚吗
Can I get a hallelujah?
哈利路亚
Hallelujah!
最后 罗莎·帕克斯
Then, finally, Rosa Parks.
能说声阿门吗
Can I get an amen?
阿门
Amen!
然后最后 最后
And then, finally, finally, finally...
上帝给了我们马丁·路德·金
the Lord gave us Martin Luther King Jr.
能说声那什么吗
Can I get a what-what?
那什么
What-what?
金博士宣扬和平与平等
Dr. King preached peace and equality
在一个比现在更分♥裂♥的时候
and brought us together
把我们团结在一起
when we were even more torn apart than we are now.
我很崇拜马丁·路德·金
I worship MLK.
我去看过他的雕像
I've been to his statue.
我在他所有的街道上都开过车
I've driven on all his streets.
他是我唯一的黑人朋友
He's my one black friend.
所以今晚
So tonight,
历史吐槽协会
the Historical Roasting Society
让自♥由♥为牧师歌♥唱
lets freedom sing for the reverend,
马丁·路德·金博士
Dr. Martin Luther King.
历史吐槽大会
第一季 第四集
大家好 我是杰夫·罗斯
Hi, folks, I'm Jeff Ross,
吐槽将军
the roastmaster general,
今晚 历史吐槽协会
and tonight, the Historical Roasting Society
将致敬马丁·路德·金
honors Martin Luther King Jr.
让我们看看吐槽嘉宾
Now let's meet his roasters,
纳尔逊·曼德拉
Nelson Mandela!
奥巴马总统
President Obama!
还有罗莎·帕克斯
And Rosa Parks!
开始吐槽吧
Let the roasting begin!
好
Okay.
罗莎 我也不喜欢这样开场
Rosa, I hate to start the show like this...
我知道这很尴尬 但是
I know this is really awkward, but...
你得站起来
I'm going to need you to get up out of that seat.
-别站起来 罗莎 -你应该去那个区域
- Don't get up, Rosa! - You belong in that section right there.
快点 罗萨 起来 罗萨
Come on, Rosa. Get up, Rosa.
似曾相识啊
This is déjà vu.
开玩笑啦 我知道
I'm just kidding! I knew! I knew!
罗莎·帕克斯
Rosa Parks.
太酷了 看到你们三个在一起
This is so cool, seeing you three together
这还没到二月呢
and it's not even February.
其实上次我看到你们在一起的时候
Actually, the last time I saw all of you together
还是我在洗车厂外买♥♥T恤的时候
was when I bought that t-shirt outside the car wash.
感谢你们捧场 你们看起来都很棒
Thanks for coming, you all look great.
我看起来怎么样
How do I look?
-你看起来不错 -是吗
- You look good. - Yeah?
你听说过黑豹吧 我是白豹
You heard of Black Panther, I'm White Panther.
我来自瓦坎达
I'm from Wakanda,
就像是"这白♥痴♥觉得还挺好呢"
as in "What kinda moron thinks this is a good idea?"
开始吧
Here we go.
当他一人走上舞台时 所有人请起立
All rise as he makes his One Man March to the stage,
马丁·路德·金博士
the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr!
金 金 金
King! King! King!
很高兴见到你 先生
Nice to meet you, sir.
幸会
This is such an honor.
我一看到你就打颤
I got the chills just looking at you
你还穿着常穿的这套西服 看起来很棒
and you look great wearing the same suit you always wear.
你为什么总是穿得像
Why do you always dress like the vice principal
马丁·路德·金高中的副校长呢
at an MLK High School?
先生 说到衣服
You know, sir, when it comes to clothes,
歧视是允许的
it's okay to discriminate.
我有好消息 先生 你的成就传承下来了
I have some good news for you, sir, your legacy lives on.
看看巴拉克·奥巴马
Meet Barack Obama,
我们的第一位非裔美国总统 先生
our first African-American president, sir.
谢谢
Thank you!
谢谢 你们好吗
Thank you. How are you?
美国人♥民♥ 你们看起来不错啊
American people, you guys look good.
你们好吗 很高兴见到你们
How are you doing? Good to see you.
奥巴马总统的确打破了有色人种的障碍
President Obama really broke down barriers for people of color,
因为现在我们有了第一位橙色的美国总统
'cause now we have our first orange-American president.
我们从"我们终将克服"
We went from "We shall overcome"
变成了"我们横着梳头"
to "We shall comb over."
你得知这个消息应该会很高兴
You'd be happy to know that there's a new
我们现在有非裔美国名人堂了
African-American Hall of Fame.
是的 它叫格莱美
Yeah. It's called the Grammys.
我们还会在华盛顿举♥行♥大规模游♥行♥
We still have big marches on Washington,
但现在都是戴着小猫帽的白人妇女 你肯定喜欢
but now it's white women wearing pussy hats. You'd love it.
看来你听说了我的另一个梦想
I see you heard about my other dream.
牧师 你在196♥4♥年获得了诺♥贝♥尔♥和♥平♥奖♥
Reverend, you won a Nobel Peace Prize in 196♥4♥.
曼德拉先生在1993年获得了
Mr. Mandela won his in 1993.
奥巴马总统在2009年派了海豹六队去拿的
And President Obama sent SEAL Team Six to get his in 2009.
但是今晚在座的人都爱你 对吗 伙计们
But everybody here tonight loves you, sir. Right, folks?
马丁·路德·金
MLK! MLK!
奥巴马
Obama!
得喊对才行
Say it right.
第一位发言人结束了南非的种族隔离
Our first speaker ended apartheid in South Africa,
如果他有他表弟豪伊·曼德拉一半的幽默感
and if he's half as funny as his cousin Howie Mandela,
那就好了
it's going to be great.
欢迎我的英雄 纳尔逊·曼德拉
Please welcome my hero-- Nelson Mandela!
当人们问我
When they asked me...
如果你在家看这个节目
If you are watching this at home,
那你就是美国的问题
you are what's wrong with America.
图书馆那么多书
All the books in the library,
网上有那么多网站
all the websites online,
你却在杰夫·罗斯这里学历史
and yet you choose to learn about history from Jeff Ross?
我还记得你的首席演员
I still remember when your actor-in-chief,
罗纳德·里根叫我恐♥怖♥分♥子♥
Ronald Reagan, called me a terrorist.
对不起 我不得不用汽车炸♥弹♥炸死几个种族主义者
Sorry, I had to car bomb a couple of racists.
我正忙于结束种族隔离
I was busy ending apartheid.
就像南非古老的谚语
It's like that old South African proverb
现如今也是事实
that still holds true.
如果你想做蛋卷
If you want to make an omelet,
就得杀几个白人农民
you've got to kill some white farmers.
你们美国活动家当得真轻松
You American activists had it so easy.
见鬼 罗莎·帕克斯在公车上坐两分钟
Hell, Rosa Parks got a statue in your nation's capital
你们就给她在首建座雕像
for spending two minutes on a bus.
这就是美国人的惰性
That's how lazy Americans are.
光是坐下就能让你们建座雕像
You can get a statue for sitting down.
对了 猜猜她的雕像是什么姿势
By the way, guess what her statue is doing.
我给你们个提示
I'll give you a hint.
它不是站着的
It's not standing.
你和马丁抵♥制♥了一辆公车