瑞奇·热维斯：世界末日（2023）

"Not really. No. No."
关于鼻涕虫和蜗牛 我发现了一件事
I have noticed one thing about the slug and the snail.
我们别扯皮了 实话实说吧
Let's not split hairs. Let's be honest.
蜗牛基本上就是 背了个壳的鼻涕虫 不是吗？对吧？
The snail is basically a slug with a shell on it, isn't it? Right?
但如果你把壳 从蜗牛身上拿掉 它就会像这样…
But if you pull the shell off the snail, it starts giving it all…
“噢 我要死了！”
"Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying."
而鼻涕虫会说 “欢迎来到现实世界 蠢货”
And the slug is like, "Welcome to the real world, cunt."
懂我意思吧？-
Know what I mean?
是的 我们已经存在了大约30万年
So, yeah, we've been around for about 300,000 years.
在这漫长岁月的大部分时候
And for most of that time,
我们的预期寿命 跟其他的野生猿猴没分别
we had the same life expectancy as every other wild ape.
35岁 幸运的话能活到40
Thirty-five, 40, if you're lucky.
出生、长大、交♥配♥、跟子女一起玩
You're born, you grow, you mate, you're playing with your kids,
有天被割伤了 你说：“这是什么？”
you get a cut, you go, "What's that?"
死了
Dead.
现在有了抗生素和药物 人类的寿命被延长了
But now, with antibiotics and medicine, we've pushed that forward.
现在出生的小孩 预计能活到100岁
A child born today can expect to live to about 100.
科学家说这个数字很快会达到120
And scientists said soon that'll be about 120.
科学还表明了 我们有理由相信在不久的将来
And science also said that, in the near future,
只要得到适当的护理和关爱
there's no reason, with proper care and attention,
人类普遍能活到150岁
that human beings won't regularly live to 150 years old.
你会感叹太棒了 直到你想起来 成年人的脑细胞数量是固定的
Which is amazing, until you remember that we get a set number of brain cells,
它只会不断减少 而且不可再生
which we only lose. You can't get them back.
所以 将来地球上会有150亿人
So, in the future, there's gonna be 15 billion people on the planet. You know?
其中一半超过100岁 全都得了老年痴呆
Half of them are gonna be over 100, and they're all gonna have Alzheimer's.
到时就成了现实版的《活死人黎明》
It's gonna be like Dawn of the Dead.
很可怕的
It's gonna be fucking horrible.
你懂的？-
You know?
我姑姑就死于老年痴呆
My auntie died of Alzheimer's.
我不知道老年痴呆症怎么会死人
Um, I don't know how you die of Alzheimer's.
她是忘了要活着吗？
She forgot to live. Right?
最后的几年 她住在一个养老社区里
And for the last couple of years, she was in a home,
我的表哥 她唯一的孩子 每周去探望她一次
and, uh, my cousin, her only kid, used to visit her, like, once a week.
后来情况变得更令人沮丧 她很快就不认识他了
And it got more and more depressing, 'cause soon she didn't recognize him,
然后她连自己是谁都不知道 再然后她就死了
and then she didn't know who she was, or... and then she died.
在葬礼上 我们在回忆美好的往昔
And at the funeral, we were sort of reminiscing about the good days.
回想她因为健忘 而说过、做过的一些趣事
Some of the funny, absent-minded things she said and did.
我们才意识到 或许那时她就已经病了
Then we realized, oh, probably, that was the beginning of the disease
只是还没被诊断出来
before it was diagnosed.
这是一个真实的故事
And this is a true story.
有次我表哥下班回家 才刚进门 她就说
Once, my cousin went home from work, and he went in, and she went,
“你的下午茶在烤箱里 我的已经吃过了”
"Your tea's in the oven. I've had mine already."
他说：“谢了 妈妈”
He went, "Oh, cheers, Mum." And he...
那是个鱼肉馅饼 好吧？
It was like a fish pie, right?
他吃着那馅饼 然后感觉不妙
He ate the fish pie, then he went, "Oh God. Ooh."
他跑上楼
He ran upstairs…
吐了 完事后他走下楼 跟她说：
Vomited. Went back down and went,
“妈 那鱼变质了 我刚才吐得很厉害”
"Mum, the fish is off. I've just been really sick."
她说：“是啊 我也大吐了一场”
And she said, "Yeah, it made me really sick."
我最近在查询婴儿死亡率
I've been looking into infant mortality rates recently.
纯粹为了研究 我没有怪癖
For research. Not... It's not a fucking fetish. Like…
如今在英国出生的孩子
A child born today in the UK has a percentage chance of survival
存活率高达99.8% 太了不起了
of 99.8%, which is incredible.
我心想 “是只有娇惯小孩的西方才这样吗？”
I thought, "Is that just the mollycoddled West?"
我开始搜素第三世界国家 就连非洲都有96.5%
I was putting in Third World countries. And even in Africa, it's like 96.5%.
在非洲那种荒郊野地
In the wilds of Africa,
那种所有生物 都想吃新生儿的鬼地方…
where everything wants to fucking eat a newborn baby.
婴儿可太脆弱了
Babies are vulnerable enough, aren't they?
在非洲 婴儿有可能出生在泥坯房♥里
In Africa, a baby can be born in a mud hut.
屋外有只狮子
There's a lion outside.
而那婴儿浑身是血 他们没法给婴儿冲洗 他们没有水
It's covered in blood. They can't wash it. They've got no water.
天哪 他已经患上了艾滋！
Ooh, and it's already got AIDS.
话说…
Now…
等这个笑话在Netflix播出时…
by the time that joke goes on Netflix…
肯定被和谐过了
…it'll be nuanced.
到时会是一段隐晦的嘲讽 算是我说的吧
There'll be an underlying satirical point, I'll claim.
但在那之前 就只有
But, until then, all I've got is,
“哈！宝宝得了艾滋”
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."
我知道这很好笑 只是我得搞清楚笑点在哪儿
I know that it's funny. I just have to work out why.
交给我吧
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.
而且 等这段内容在Netflix上播出时
Also, by the time that goes on Netflix,
我已经在世界舞台上巡回演出了
I'll have been playing arenas around the world.
绝对反响热烈 观众会笑得前仰后合
It'll be hitting hard. People will be laughing.
所以如果你是一名非洲女性 你刚在非洲生了个小孩
So if you are an African woman, and you… you just had a baby in Africa,
医生说 “很遗憾 你的宝宝感染了艾滋”
and the doctor goes, "Oh, I'm sorry, your baby's got AIDS."
你会说：“天哪” 你在那里…宝宝…
You go, "Oh my God." You're there… Baby's got...
你丈夫就在你旁边 你跟他说 “我们的宝宝有艾滋病 杰夫”
You're there with your husband, and you go, "Our baby's got AIDS, Jeff."
杰夫…
Jeff…
“我知道 翠西 我也有 亲爱的”
"I know, Tracy. I've got it too."
“宝宝得了艾滋 我们要不要看点喜剧振作起来？”
"Our baby's got AIDS. Should we watch some comedy to cheer us up?"
“好啊 看什么？Netflix？” “好”
"Yeah. What, Netflix?" "Yeah."
“什么 瑞奇·热维斯？”
"What, Ricky Gervais?" "Duh."
“必须的”
"Yeah."
他们的宝宝得了艾滋 他们很伤心
And they're… they're sad that their baby's got AIDS,
但他们看着我的节目哈哈笑
but they're sort of laughing along.
“《世界末日》…”
"Ha-ha. Armageddon. Ha-ha."
直到这一段 “哈！宝宝得了艾滋”
And it gets to that bit, "Ha, baby's got AIDS."
然后她说：“天哪 杰夫 他们为什么都在取笑我们
And she goes, "Oh my God. Jeff, why… why are they all laughing at us
还有我们的艾滋病宝宝？”
and our baby with AIDS?"
杰夫说：“他们不是在嘲笑我们”
And Jeff goes, "Well, they're not laughing at us per se."
她说：“就是的 他们都指名道姓了
She goes, "Well, they are. They've named us and everything."
他们就是在嘲笑我们”
"They're literally laughing at us in this bit."
杰夫说：
And Jeff goes,
“我们是一对虚构的夫妻 有一个虚构的艾滋病宝宝”
"Yeah, but we're a fictional couple with a fictional baby with AIDS."
傻子才会为这种事不爽呢”
"Anyone offended by that is a fucking moron."
然后他又说 “至少他没模仿我们的口音”
And then, he goes, "And at least he didn't do the accent."
所以…
So…
她说：“是啊 但也只是因为简求他别那么干的”
And she goes, "Yeah, but only because Jane begged him not to."
很有意思 因为这是真的
It's funny 'cause it's true.
我觉得我们的幽默感都遗传自父母
I think we get our sense of humor from our parents,
无论我们自已是否意识到
whether we realize it or not.
尤其是工薪阶层的孩子 尤其是工薪阶层的妈妈
Particularly working-class kids. Particularly from working-class mums.
因为她们很忙 活儿全让她们干了
'Cause they're busy. They're doing everything.
她们驾驭丈夫…
They're keeping men in check,
抚养孩子、去上班
they're bringing up kids, they're going to work,
拯救世界 她们没时间
they're saving the world. They haven't got time.
所以只好通过吓唬孩子来让他们听话
They have to frighten their kids into behaving well.
她们会拿你最害怕的事情吓唬你 好让你别去送死
They have to go to dark places to shock them into not fucking dying.
你们懂我的意思吗？ 所以…假如我小时候
Do you know what I mean? So… Like, if I was little,
我妈给我做了下午茶 不是我爱吃的
and my mum made my tea, and it wasn't my favorite,
她每天都让我吃水煮土豆而不是薯片
it was boiled potatoes, instead of chips every day,
我说：“我不喜欢吃这个”
and I went, "I don't like them,"
我妈会直接说：“你当然喜欢吃
my mum would go straight to, "Of course you do."
在非洲有很多 像你这个年纪的孩子都快饿死了”
"There's children your age in Africa and they're starving to death."
对吧？于是我说：“天哪 好吧” 你们懂我意思吗？
Right? I'd go, "Jesus. All right." You know what I mean?
真人真事 我七岁那年 总爱在公园里玩
True story. I was seven years old, right, and I'd been playing in the park.
有天我跑回家 我妈跟我说 “瑞奇 过来 坐下”
And I came running in, and my mum went, "Ricky, come here. Sit down."
当时那地方一定是发生了恋童癖事件
There must've been a local pedo incident, all right?
我妈说：“再也别上公园里的厕所了”
And my mum went, "Never go in the toilets in the park again."
我问：“为什么？”
And I went, "Why?"
她知道她没法 向一个七岁小孩解释什么是恋童癖
She knew she couldn't explain pedophilia to a seven-year-old, right?
但她想到了一个办法
But this is what she came up with.
她说：“因为那附近 有个男人在到处转悠
She said, "Because there's a man going around,
他专爱剪小男孩的小鸡鸡”
and he's cutting little boys' willies off."
我当时都惊了…
I was like…
“什么 真有这种变♥态♥吗？”
"What, that's a fucking thing, is it? That's a…"
我整整一个星期睡不着觉
I didn't sleep for a week. Uh...
她成功了 我再也没进过那些该死的厕所
And it worked. I never went in those fucking toilets again.
她凭本能地预料到
But she knew, instinctively.
如果她说：“瑞奇 进来 坐下”
If she'd gone, "Ricky, come in. Sit down."
“怎么了？” “别再用公园里的厕所了”