在我走之前

那家伙比
Come on, that kid is gayer
老鼠操沙鼠还要更基情
than a mouse shoved up the ass of a gerbil
比操六年级的音乐老师还要更基情
shoved up the ass of a sixth grade music teacher.
你怎么这么混♥蛋♥?
- - Why are you such an asshole?
放松点 我说笑的 天啊
Relax, I'm joking. Jesus.
一点也不好笑
You're not funny.
你都没听我说
He didn't hear me.
我告诉你 等下出去的时候 我挠一下他痒痒
I'll tell you what. I'll tickle his bag on the way out.
配合点 好吗?
Make nice, okay?
白♥痴♥ -大家都觉得我很搞笑
- Idiot. - And people think I'm funny.
你老婆觉得你是个闹事者
Yeah, your wife thinks you're a riot.
什么意思?
What's that supposed to mean?
去你的 那女人很崇拜我的
Fuck you. That woman worships the ground I walk on.
她为什么要在我面前自♥慰♥?
Why is she masturbating in front of me, huh?
我跟你说了 她是个梦游自♥慰♥者
I told you, she's a sleep masturbator.
她醒着的 你知道的 -是吗?
- She's awake and you know it. - Oh, yeah?
她在生你的气 这是她报复你的方式
She's pissed at you and that's how she's getting you back.
她在你枕头上拉屎
The woman shit on your pillow, for Christ's sake.
她睡着了
She was asleep! God damn it,
她梦到她的猫在生小猫
she was dreaming about the time her cat had kittens.
她在你咖啡里吐口水也是睡着了吗?
Is she asleep when she spits in your coffee?
我看到了 幸运男
I've seen it, Luck.
我来给钱
I got this.
也欢迎你去
Oh, and, uh, you're welcome
免费的住房♥和交通
for the free room, board, and transportation, too.
混♥蛋♥
Asshole.
在我生了第3个孩子后 玛吉
After the birth of Margie, my third,
一个月后 我又可以穿4码的衣服
I was back in a size four a month later.
我一直都很瘦 我一直都可以恢复身材
I was always thin. I could always bounce right back.
你知道我父母是怎么开自助洗衣店的吧?
You remember how my parents owned that Laundromat, right?
嗯 福拉服德洗衣店
- Yeah, the Fluff and Fold. -
天啊 我讨厌那个地方
God, I hated that place.
我们每天都要处理
Every day we would just have to wade through
一堆别人得脏衣服
a mountain of other people's dirty laundry.
我当时就在想 "我绝对不要像我父母一样"
I just thought, "I will never be like my parents."
他们怎么能够花一辈子的时间 清洗和折叠
I mean, how can they spend their lives washing and folding
别人的汗迹和污渍?
other people's sweat and stains?
然后有一天 我在我的地下室里
Then one day I was in my cellar
洗着第4件 第5件 第6件 一堆脏衣服
washing my fourth, fifth, sixth, load of dirty clothes
在我叠着这一堆衣服的时候
while I folded another from the dryer
我又听到地下室的门打开了
when I heard the cellar door open
然后另外一堆衣服又掉了下来
and a whole new pile was tossed down.
然后我在想...
And I thought...
噢 我的天啊
"Oh, my God."
我们干一杯吧
Let's do a shot.
这个听着不错 -嗯
- That sounds great. - Yeah.
好了 说实话
Greta on video: Okay, so be honest.
我奶奶去世了
You're actually kinda
你其实挺开心的 对吧?
happy that my grandmother's dead, aren't you?
没有 -拜托 别骗人
- No. - Come on, don't lie.
我没有骗人
I'm not lying.
不久之后 当我到了来世
Not long from now, when I'm in the afterlife,
我会遇到劳伦斯老师的 那样会很尴尬的
I'm gonna bump into Mrs. Lawrence and it's gonna be all awkward
然后我会说 "嘿 劳伦斯老师 你好吗?"
and I'm gonna be like, "Hey, Mrs. Lawrence, how are you?"
然后她会假装对我很好
And she's gonna be all like fake nice to me
因为天堂里 你得有礼貌
'cause, you know, in heaven you gotta be polite.
你知道吗? 你真的挺搞笑的
Greta on video: You know what? You're really kinda funny.
谢谢
Thanks.
那你为什么...
Greta on video: So... why do you think
想自杀?
you wanna kill yourself?
只是寻找不自杀的理由太累了
I just got tired of trying to find reasons not to.
你知道我在4年级的时候
Do you know that I fell in love with you
爱上你了吗?
in fourth grade?
地理课 你当时坐在我右边的前面
Geography class. You sat right in front of me.
我总是目不转睛的看着你
I couldn't take my eyes off you.
你很漂亮 也很善良
You were so pretty and kind.
你知道所有大洲
- You knew all your continents. -
你真的觉得我很善良吗?
Did you really think I was kind?
我觉得不是善良
I don't feel kind.
那你什么感觉?
What do you feel like?
像警戒故事
Like a cautionary tale.
什么安全 什么是意料之中的 我就做什么
I did what was safe, what was expected.
我爱我的孩子 但是...
I love my kids, but--
你肯定是个好妈妈
I bet you're a great mom.
我不想只做个好妈妈
I don't wanna be just a great mom.
我想变得重要 而不只是孩子的妈妈
I want to matter and not just as a mom to my kids and Albert,
但是对我来说
but to me.
我想变得重要
I wanna matter to me.
你很重要 你对我来说很重要
You matter. You matter to me.
世上没有复原按钮 事已至此了 泰德
There's no reset button, is there, Teddy?
你不需要复原按钮
You don't need one.
你是我见过 最甜美 最温柔的人
You're the sweetest, most gentle person I've ever known.
我一直在想 要是我跟你在一起
I've always wondered how differently my life
我的人生会多么的不同
would have turned out if I was with you.
我还记得
You know, I remember
你以前每天吃一个苹果做午餐
you used to eat an apple every day for lunch.
那是上帝的牙刷
They're God's toothbrush.
你总是用七喜唇膏
You always wore 7UP Lip Smacker.
知道现在 七喜都是我最爱的汽水
To this day, that's my favorite soda.
读六年级时 你对爬行动物和两栖动物的
Your book report on reptiles and amphibians
读书报告太不可思议了
in the sixth grade was... incredible.
我得了B的分数
I got a B.
简直是瞎扯
Oh, that's fucking bullshit.
我在维罗酒店等你 过一个街区就是
I'll meet you at the Willow. It's up a block.
你确定要这么做?
You sure you want to do this?
泰德 如果你在寻找宽恕
Ted, if you're looking for absolution,
我觉得我们俩都找不到
I don't think either one of us is getting that.
我们要么滚床单 活得精彩一点
So we either have sex and live with it,
要么都不要
or we don't.
好的 待会儿见
Okay, I'll see you there.
嘿 伙计 今晚见
Hey, man. See you tonight.
晚上10点 怎样?
10:00 PM. Huh? Huh?
对
Yeah.
我的天啊
Oh, my God.
你看
Look there.
嗯? -等等 这里
- Hmm? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, here.
这张是你们俩的华米探险
There's the two of you off on one of your Wammy expeditions.
可能在那湖上玩了一千次
Probably made a thousand trips out on that lake.
嗯 -只有37张照片了
- Uh-huh. - All boils down to 37 photos
有备胎 鱼群 淹死的麝鼠
of a spare tire, schools of fish, and a drowned muskrat.
恕我不赞同你的意见
Well, I beg to differ with you.
你们远远不止如此
You have way much more than that.
你们有无数个小时在一起
You have countless hours together.
只有你们两个人
Just the two of you.
聊天 分享 寻找
Talking and sharing and searching.
寻找什么?
Searching for what?
我们也可以在我们的后院做同样的事情
We could have done the same thing playing catch in our backyard.
你父亲想跟你们两个 一起冒险
Your father wanted to have an adventure with you boys.
你让我的生命完整
You have made my life complete
从不... -雪莉
- Never-- - Shirley.
对不起 宝贝 不好意思
I'm sorry, baby. Sorry. Excuse me, baby. Excuse me.
谢谢 -抱歉 泰德
Thanks. - Sorry, Ted.
很好听 -谢谢宝贝
- Sounds good. - Thank you, baby.
非常感谢你
Thank you very much.
从你可以说话开始
As soon as you could talk,
你就痴迷于华米
you were obsessed with Wammy.
你有华米饭盒 华米T恤
You had the lunchbox, you had the T-shirt,
华米帽子 华米的所有东西
you had the little cap, you had everything.
只要上面写了华米 你就要
If it said "Wammy," You had it.
你父亲也觉得
And your father thought