自杀四人组

总之 长话短说 我打算自杀
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided to kill myself.
我算明白了 自杀就这点麻烦
That's the trouble with suicides, I've learned,
长话不能短说
you can't cut the long story short.
因为观众最喜欢的就是曲折的背景故事
Because it's the long story that people are interested in.
尤其是我这种人
Especially if you're me.
可惜我过去这样 现在也这样
Which regrettably I was and still am to this day.
所以 抱歉我再啰嗦一句
So, forgive me if you already knew this
我是马丁·夏普 那个功成名就的男人
but I'm Martin Sharp, the man who had everything:
娇妻一位 子女两名 爱犬三只
1 wife, 2 children, 3 dogs,
获人♥民♥选择奖至少四次
at least 4 People's Choice Awards,
外加每个星期
and 5 mornings a week
主持全英最成功的早餐秀五次
on the most successful breakfast show in Britain.
他们甚至同意我周一放假
They were even offering me Mondays off.
至此 生活还不错
So far, so good.
我已人到中年
I have reached middle age
家有余财
with money in the bank.
直到我在一场男士护肤霜的
Until I met Susie Jenkins
新品发布午餐会上遇到了苏琪·詹金斯
at a launch for a new men's moisturizer.
我必须要说明的是 各位观众大人
All I can say, in my defense, your Honor,
我觉着她至少25岁了 其实小得多
is that she looked 25 to me, but she wasn't.
然后就开始了
Que.
按时间排吧 先是小报疯狂追击
In chronological order; Tabloid frenzy,
然后号♥子蹲了几天
a short prison sentence,
接下来就是离婚 丢脸 生活崩溃
divorce, disgrace, demolition.
电梯关门
Doors closing.
除夕夜本来应该是短暂脱身喘口气的日子
New Year's Eve is supposed to be a pause for breath,
就像标点断句那样
a punctuation mark.
而我的人生是要画上句号♥了 真的
Well, I had come to a full stop. Really.
否则我为什么
Why wouldn't I want
要从楼顶上跳下去呢
to throw myself off the top of a tall building?
不好意思
Excuse me?
请问
Excuse me?
我不知这话该怎么讲
I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this,
但是 您还要站很久吗
but um... are you going to be long?
什么
What?
我不知是等你跳完我再跳还是...
I wasn't sure whether to wait my turn, or...
我还真没想到这有拦阻网
But I haven't considered the wire.
所以我想借您的梯子用一下
I'd really like to borrow your ladder?
我还是等等吧 我等你
Maybe I should just wait... I'll wait.
你就打算在那干看着吗
You're just gonna stand there and watch?
啊不不 当然不 我估计您
No, no, of course. You'll, you'll be
更希望自己解决问题
wanting to do it on your own, I imagine.
你估计的很准确
You imagine right.
-我到那边等着去 -好
- I'll go there... - Right.
我下去时会喊一嗓子提醒你的
I'll give you a shout on the way down.
多谢
Alright.
自杀四人组
我做不到 要不您先来
I can't... Maybe you should go first?
我希望能自己来 就我自己
I would want to be on my own... completely.
明白 给你二十分钟
Understood... Twenty minutes...
然后把位置还给我
Then I want my spot back.
-好吧 -那好
- Right. - Ok.
我是莫莲
Maureen.
我是马丁
Martin.
你是不是...我觉得您面熟呢
Are you from... Uh, I recognize your face.
-是吗 -您是不是娶了歌♥星的那个
- Oh, do you? - Are you married to someone in a pop group?
不是
No.
-您上过电视吧 -莫莲
- Are you on TV? - Maureen...
现在说这个不太合适
perhaps this is not the best time to talk about this.
给老娘让开 混♥蛋♥
Out of my way, you bastards!
停下 冷静
No, stop, stop, calm!
-你是哪根葱 -莫莲来帮忙
- Who the fuck are you? - Maureen, help.
-我该怎么做 -抱住她的腿
- What do you want me to do? - Hold her legs.
你抱着我找刺♥激♥是不是 你个老变♥态♥
You're getting a thrill out of this aren't you, you pervert!
-我的天 -怎么了
- Oh, my God! - What?
你是马丁·夏普 你是国家认证的变♥态♥
Are you Martin Sharp! You are a pervert, officially!
原来是你
Oh! That's it!
"马丁和潘妮与你迎接清晨"
"Rise and shine with Martin and Penny!"
你放开
Just let me...
你们有谁订了披萨饼吗
Um... any of you guys ordered a pizza...?
我看应该自我介绍一下
Um, we should do introductions.
我是杰丝
I'm Jess.
大家都叫我杰丝
Everyone calls me Jess.
我是莫莲
I'm Maureen.
我是JJ
I'm JJ.
-我是 -马丁·夏普
- I'm... - Martin Sharp.
没错
Yes.
很高兴我们自杀小队中间有个大名人
It's very exciting to have a celebrity in our suicidal midst.
-全乱了 -那好 我们干脆赶紧
- This is wrong. - Alright, well we could just
数三个数 然后跳
one, two, three, jump!
如果我只是以作死求怜悯
I wouldn't have minded
就不会太在意了
if it had been the proverbial cry of a help,
但是 相信我
but, believe me,
你扛着梯子 在冻死人的大年夜
you don't got a ladder up 15 flights of stairs
费牛劲爬十五楼 绝对是认真的
on the freezing cold new Year's Eve, unless you're serious.
幸会了
Nice to meet you.
这又是一次惨败 又弄得一团糟
It was just another debacle, another cockup.
如果你半小时前告诉我
I'd have believed you
我的生命将终止在我的车顶
if you told me half an hour before that
我还真会信了你
I'd end up on my car...
哪知我是回到了车座上
but not in it!
我发自内心地深知
And I absolutely knew, with every fiber of my being,
我再也不会见到那些奇葩和废柴了
that I wouldn't be seeing any of those freaks and misfits again.
我不知道他们在上面干什么
I didn't know what they were doing up there.
我也不想知道 多谢你 免了吧
And I didn't wanna find out, thank you very much.
反正我对此全无兴趣
I have no interest, whatsoever.
该死
Oh, fuck!
我究竟后不后悔让她上车
Do I regret stopping to pick her up?
这可就一言难尽了
Well, That really is a long story.
要搭车吗
Want a lift?
不用不用 大约一刻钟后公交就来了
No, no. The bus won't be long... in 15 minutes.
让你上你就上 莫莲
Get in the car, Maureen.
我很爱看你的电视节目
I did like your television show.
你在雨里闲晃什么呢
What are you doing?
这就再聚首了 可有点早啊
Ah, it's a bit 'early for a reunion, isn't it?
赶紧上车 我们送你回家
Get in the car, we're taking you home.
这还真是...喜感啊
So this is... jolly.
这样 一个词回答
OK. One word answers.
每个人限用一个词来说明
Everyone has one word to explain
刚才为什么要爬楼顶自杀
why they were up in the roof in the first place.
比如马丁的答案估计是"声名狼藉"
For example, Martin might say... "notoriety".
-莫莲估计是寂寞孤独 -我才不孤独
- Maureen might say "loneliness". - I'm not lonely.
-跟你的猫说去吧 -我不养猫
- Tell that to your cats. - I don't have cats.
我上楼顶是因为我...孤立无助
I was up there because I felt... helpless.
孤立无助 多好的形容词
Helpless! That's a very good adjective!
你这是拉我们入沟
Are we not filling in to
我们不会真按这套路来了吧 杰丝
your pre-ordained boxers, Jess?
其实你就完全按套路来的 马丁
Actually, you fill your one marvelously, Martin.
坐牢可舒爽
Was prison fun?
你还真觉得自己什么都明白 是不是
You really believe you have an answer for everything, don't you?
我倒真觉得你就是一悲催的混♥蛋♥ 惨啊
I really believe that you are a miserable bastard, yes.
你还别说
Actually right now,
我现在还就这么悲催 怎样啊
a miserable bastard is exactly what I am,
不好意思是我露馅了吗
have I not been hiding it well?
-那送披萨的 -我叫JJ
- Pizza boy? - JJ.
送披萨的为什么要自杀
Why might pizza boy want to die?
你又是为什么 杰丝
What would be your reason Jess?
我的原因就是爱而不得
My reason would be love.
查斯 那个白♥痴♥查斯 把我踢了
Chas, Chas the dickhead, he spurned me.
我是没人要的女人了
I am a spurned woman.
癌症