37岁（2019）

我听说你升级了
So, I hear that you've upgraded,
而且你现在拥有了我已经有了好几年的
and now you have all the normal, regular features
这些正常而规律的特征
that I have had for years.
是的 我们只是机会之窗
Yep, we're nothing but windows of opportunity.
虽然这可能不是电脑的说法
And although it may not be PC to say so,
但我觉得我们终于…
I like to think that we've finally...
解决了所有的故障
fixed all the bugs.
保重
Gesundheit.
不好意思 那不是病毒 那不是病毒
Excuse me. That's not a virus. That's not a virus.
我很确定它不是病毒
I am sure that it's not a virus.
虽然 说实话 我其实不确定
Although, to be fair, I have no idea
因为我从来没有感染过病毒
because I have never had a virus.
- 所以… - 你为什么要做一个
- So... - Why do you have to be
如此傲慢的混♥蛋♥？
such a condescending douche bag?
嗯… 我…
Um, I--
我 我 我 它总是我这样我那样
I, I, I. It's "I" this and "I" that.
啵
Boop.
也许这一次我们应该别再把“我”还有
Maybe it is time we stopped talking about "I" all the time,
机会之窗挂在嘴边了
and windows of opportunity.
还有人记得人们依然比
Anybody else remember when people were smart
手♥机♥智能的时候吗
and phones were stupid?
今年秋天派将推出一款会
This fall, Pi is gonna launch a new phone
改变一切的新手♥机♥
that'll change things forever.
今天我们已经准备好给你带来
We're ready to bring you what you wanted
你昨天想要为今天准备的东西
yesterday for tomorrow today.
派 智能手♥机♥ 给智慧的人
Pi. Smart phones for smarter people.
你真的想在广♥告♥里说“混♥蛋♥”这个词吗
Do you really want to say "douche bag" in the ad?
我没有说“混♥蛋♥”
I don't say "douche bag."
是那个穿着廉价西装的家伙说的
The guy in the cheap suit says "douche bag."
贝蒂 有来电吗？
Betty, any calls?
波诺问你还要不要去
Bono wants to know if you're still good
非洲旅行
for the trip to Africa.
告诉他我还没找到我一直在找的东西
Tell him I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
达♥赖♥喇♥嘛♥
The Dalai Lama.
你今天下午还在冥想吗？
Are you still on for meditation this afternoon?
劝他静下心来 答案就在内心
Advise him to still his mind. The answer lies within.
总统问
The president is asking,
我们能不能把会议改到周末去白宫开
can we move the meeting to the White House this weekend?
当然 完美 大卫营的蚊子太烦人了
Yes, perfect. Mosquitoes at Camp David are a bitch.
糟透了
Terrible.
比尔盖茨发来了一个电子邮件
Bill Gates sent an email
上面简单地回复了一个 “无♥耻♥”
that simply reads, "Cheeky."
说得好
Fair enough.
告诉他我想要回我的20块钱
Tell him I want my 20 bucks.
莎拉·罗素打电♥话♥来
Sarah Russell called
问你有关今晚高中同学20周年聚会的事
about your 20-year high school reunion tonight.
等等 等等 等等 什么20周年
Wait, wait, wait. Twenty-year what now?
20周年聚会 太棒了
Twenty-year reunion. This is great.
我们可以让所有人看看我们不再是乐色了
We'll show everyone we're not losers anymore.
格雷格 我们从来都不是乐色
Greg, we were never losers.
呃 是 我们曾经是
Uh, yeah, we were.
但是这现在重要了 不是吗
But that doesn't matter now, right?
噢 我明白了
Oh, I get it.
听着 没有什么好紧张的
Look, it's nothing to be nervous about.
会很有趣的 你知道吗
It could be a lot of fun, you know?
紧张？ 我为什么会因为
Nervous? Why would I be nervous
那些我20年都没见过了的人而紧张？
about people we haven't seen in 20 years?
伙计们？
Guys?
不 不
No! No!
需要我打电♥话♥取消吗？
Do you want me to call and cancel?
嗯 是的 麻烦你 告诉他们我病了
Uh, yes, please. Tell them I'm sick.
拜托 你上次十周年聚会也是用的这个借口
Come on, you used that one for the ten year.
贝蒂 这次聚会莎拉有什么想法吗？
Betty, what did Sarah want about the reunion?
她为什么打电♥话♥来？
Why was she calling?
我觉得她想要亚当知道
I believe she wanted to let Adam know
达茜·威廉姆斯问过他要不要去
that Darcie Williams was asking if he was going to be there.
达茜·威廉姆斯？
Darcie Williams?
是的 达茜·威廉姆斯
Yes, Darcie Williams.
我爱她
I love her.
高中：一个自尊
High school: where self-esteem,
纯真和梦想都会消逝的地方
innocence, and dreams go to die.
在这个难以忍♥受的炼狱里面 我们既没有小到仍然可以做小孩
The insufferable purgatory of being too old to be a kid,
又没有大到可以当成年人
too young to be an adult.
把所有那些要度过
The entire concept of placing all of those
尴尬而又意义重大的青春期 并最终进入一个巨大
going through their awkward, formative years of puberty
而又充满自我怀疑与焦虑
into one giant institution of self-doubt,
不得不时刻曲意逢迎的社会中的年轻人都聚在一起
forced pseudo-social structure, and anxiety,
这简直就是非同寻常而又残酷的折磨
it's a cruel and unusual punishment.
更糟糕的是 每隔几年都要以奇怪的
Even worse, this bizarre ritual of needing to get together
聚会形式来提醒我们不要
every couple of years as a reminder
忘记那段受伤的时光
of these traumatizing times.
这是来自过去的一记重拳
It's a blast from the past.
近乎疯狂
Borders on insanity.
我在九岁的时候生了一场大病
When I was nine years old, I got really sick.
我在医院住了六个星期
I spent six weeks in the hospital
整个大肠都被切除了
and had my entire large intestine taken out.
这是我一生中最痛苦的事情之一
It was one of the most traumatic events in my entire life.
然而我从来没有过和
And yet I've never felt the urge to get together
那些护士 患者 或者医生聚在一起
with the other nurses, patients, or doctors
并借此回忆过去美好的时光的冲动
and reminisce about the good old days.
我讨厌高中生活
I hated high school.
高中生活也讨厌我
High school hated me.
用史蒂芬·金先生的不朽名言来说
In the immortal words of Mr. Stephen King,
我讨厌高中生活
"I hated high school.
我不相信任何一个回忆往事的人
I don't trust anyone who looks back on
会带着愉悦的心情回忆14到18岁的时光
the years of 14 to 18 with any enjoyment.
如果你为自己的青少年时光感到高兴
If you liked being a teenager,
那么你一定有什么毛病
there's definitely something wrong with you."
重返校园
- 派先生 - 嘿 哈皮
- Mr. Pi. - Hey, Happy.
贝蒂 我要给汽车的最新
Betty, I'm gonna render the graphics
测试版操作系统画图纸
for the latest beta version of the OS from the car.
贝蒂 请隔离信♥号♥♥ 把数据加密
Uh, Betty, isolate the signal and encrypt the data, please.
你知道的 这是最具革命性的发布产品
You know, this is the most revolutionary launch
- 因为它是触摸屏 - 是啊 让我们保护好它
- since the touchscreen. - Yeah, so let's protect it.
好
Okay.
是什么让这些使我如此紧张？
What is it about these people that make me so nervous?
我的舌头都打结了
I'm tongue-tied already.
你只要记住这个关键词——“让我们狂欢吧”
Just remember these key words-- "Let's party."
振作 这是我们的夜晚
Come on, this is our night.
- 那是件新衬衫吗？ - 对 是不是很酷？
- Is that a new shirt? - Yeah, cool shirt, right?
想想看 我们又要见到安迪和丹尼斯了
Just think, we're gonna get to see Andy and Dennis again.
没错 还有约翰·弗农 特雷弗·杰克逊
Yeah, and John Vernon, Trevor Jackson.
他们现在可能已经成熟了 对吧？
They've probably matured by now, right?
打扰一下 你能帮解决一下我和我的朋友们的赌局吗？
Excuse me, will you settle a bet for me and my friends?
你觉得这是做男朋友的好材料吗？
Does this feel like boyfriend material to you?
- 恶 - 你是百合吗？
- Ew. - Are you a lesbian?
因为我一个人只能说话 但是我们俩就可以做些别的
Because I can just talk and we can scissor.
走开 夜店迷♥奸♥犯
Back off, date rape.
你不是差不多100年前和我妈约会过吗？
Didn't you, like, date my mom 100 years ago or something?
我没那么老
I'm not that old.
不 我是认真的 你跟我妈约会过
No, seriously. You dated my mom.
你们今晚不去参加你们的聚会吗？
Aren't you guys going to your reunion later tonight?
达尔西·威廉姆斯？
Darcie Williams?
没错
Yeah.
她是我妈
She's my mom.
我才17岁 你这个恋童癖
I'm 17, you pedophile.
她之前给我看过她班级的照片
She was showing me pictures of her class earlier,
当时你们俩还在约会
from when you two were dating.
我想你应该正好穿的也是这件衣服
I think you might be wearing the exact same shirt.
噢 我的天