犯罪现场清理员（2021）

I knew she'd be back.
你认识她？
You know her?
你现在听我说
Now you listen to me.
你要怎么清理那座雕像是你的事
How you clean that statue is your concern
但你如果不清
but if it is not cleaned,
你的老板就会失去一份，非常有利可图的市政♥府♥合约
your boss will lose a very lucrative council contract.
现在如果你不介意的话，我要去开会，继续说个没完
Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and speak too much in a meeting.
嗨，兄弟，还顺利吗？
Alright la. How's it going?
他们拿走了我所有的清洁用品，文斯
They've taken all my cleaning stuff Vince.
健康安全小组今天下午，都在认真地敏捷式工作
Health and safety team are all agile working this afternoon kidder,
你得打电♥话♥到加的夫
you'll have to contact Cardiff.
我今天就得完成，这地方根本是疯了
I've gotta get it done today. This place is insane.
你需要的是一个在这里工作得够久的人
What you need is someone who's worked here so long,
身上有着一把万♥能♥钥♥匙♥
got the keys to everything.
看吧，对我眨眼，我一点也不介意
See. I didn't mind a wink at all.
给你吧，小子
There you go kidder.
中大奖了，谢啦，兄弟
Jackpot. Thanks mate.
啊，这就是那个旧雕像吧？
Ah, that's the old statue is it?
对啊，这就是老赖斯丹尼森
Oh yeah that's him. Old Rice Dennison.
看起来有点傻
Daft looking fella.
你知道，我们小时候
You know when we was kids,
都会爬到他身上
used to climb on top of him
假装大人都走了，去搞破坏
and pretend they were all off, to cause mayhem.
是哪个委员会成员把他拖下来的？
Which committee dragged him down then?
我不知道是哪个，但我知道他们在哪里
Now I don't know which one but I know where they are.
都在家穿着睡衣吗？
All at home in their pyjamas?
说得好，兄弟
Spot on mate.
嗯
Yeah.
我的老天爷
For god's sake.
你是从哪里弄到铁链的？
Where did you get the chain from?
英国
Britain.
希望和荣耀之地
Land of hope and glory,
自♥由♥之母
mother of the free,
我们将永远崇拜你，即使…
we will always adore thee, even though...
我开始觉得自己是吃多了芝士在做梦
Look this is starting to feel like one of my cheese dreams.
我不能一直在那条路上折返跑
I can't keep doing that walk.
我很胖耶
I'm very fat.
我看得出你是速食时代的产物
Yes I can see you're a product of the fast food generation.
汉堡、微波薄饼、鸡块
Burgers, microwave pizzas, chicken nuggets.
鸡肉，就算我朝你丢苏赛克斯鸡，你也不知道那是什么
Chicken you wouldn't know a Sussex Bantam if I threw one at you.
听着，我看得出来你可能不喜欢鹰嘴豆
Look I can see why you might not like the chickpea.
我是鄙视
I despise it.
但你听着
But then I would.
先生，我的名字是露西尔赖斯丹尼森
My name sir is Lucille Rice Dennison.
赖斯丹尼森？
Rice Dennison?
是那个…旧雕像吗？
Is that that...? Is that the old statue?
上校威廉亚瑟巴尔福赖斯丹尼森爵士
Colonel Sir William Arthur Balfour Rice Dennison,
而我是他的曾曾曾侄女
and I his great, great, great niece.
所以这就是你在这里的原因
Right. So that's why you're here.
我刚在市政厅看到他
Right I've just seen him at the Town Hall.
老实说，他是个相貌堂堂的家伙
Fair play he's a fine looking fellow.
一位受人尊敬的殖民地总督
A revered colonial governor.
一个品行无懈可击的人
A man of impeccable breeding
还是一位被严重低估的风景水彩画家
and a woefully underrated water colour landscape painter.
被一颗鹰嘴豆取代了
Replaced by a chickpea.
听着，你可能有你的道理
Look you might have a point,
但是我拜托你，如果我完成不了，我的老板会发疯的
but come on my boss is gonna go mad if I don't complete the work order.
所以你就是按照命令行事吗？你就跟纳粹没两样
Oh only following orders are we. Just like the Nazis.
天啊，你的联想力会不会太丰富
Bloody hell, we got there a bit quick didn't we?
我猜你一定也很喜欢，重温威玛共和国时期
Bet you would have loved to have buffed statues
擦拭希♥特♥勒♥元首雕像的荣光
of the Fuhrer while the Weimar goose-stepped by.
他们也很喜欢抹杀历史
They liked to erase history too.
-能不能让我绕过去清理一下就好？-休想…
-Look can I just clean round. -Never. Never.
休想
Never.
休想
Never.
-哦，认真吗？-超认真
-Oh really? -Yes really.
你如果害我错过了飞镖比赛…
So if miss this darts match...
飞镖，哈！大众的鸦♥片♥
Darts ha ha, an opiate to the masses.
曾站在这块土地上的人，才能把这个市镇记录在地图上
The man that once stood on this can put this town on the map.
你听着他的名字穿过权力的走廊
Hear you say his name through the corridors of power,
丢进了美洲的风中
tossed it to the winds of the Americas,
在东印度的水中低语
whispered it to the waters of the East Indies.
而现在他们想假装这个人从未存在过
But now they seek to pretend he didn't exist.
希望和荣耀之地，自♥由♥之母
Land of hope and glory, mother of the free.
我将永远崇拜你
I will always adore thee.
什么叫她把自己拴在上面？
What d'you mean she's chained herself to it?
显然是英国的铁链
British chains apparently.
哦，难搞的女人
Oh bloody woman.
-其实她也是有原因的 -哦，她还有原因吗？
-Well she's got a point. -Oh she's got a point has she?
那你同意她了不起的观点吗？
And d'you share her precious point?
她是跟那个赖什么东西的家伙，是亲戚吧？
Well she's related to old what's his name isn't she?
她这辈子都不会喜欢那颗金色睾丸
She's not gonna be into a golden knacker.
赖斯丹尼森？
Rice Dennison?
对，那个上校
Yes, the colonel himself.
她把有关他的一切，一五一十地告诉你了吧
And she's told you all about him no doubt.
嗯，他很会画水彩画
Yes. Very good at water colours.
听着，我知道他看起来有点过时
Look, I know he looks a bit old fashioned
但是老实说，他比一颗金睾丸好多了
but come on he's better than a golden gland.
我想她也跟你说了他蓄奴的事吧
She told you about his use of slave labour I presume.
奴隶…
Slave? Slaves?
你说什么？奴隶…
What did you say slaves? Slaves.
喂…我们不说奴隶，我们说“你好”
Hey, hey, hey, hey. We don't say slave, we say "Hello".
嗯，她通常会漏掉这部分
Yes she usually misses that bit out.
享誉盛名的慈善家，和朋友们喝葡萄酒的时候
Renowned benefactor who sat drinking port with his friends
让被征服的民族替他们工作
while a subjugated people did the work.
-给你，兄弟 -谢谢你，文斯
-There you go mate. -Thanks Vince.
健康安全小组开完会回来后
Don't tell the meeting's team whatever you do,
不管你做了什么都别告诉他们
when they get back from the health and safety conference.
因为我其实不应该拿来借人的
You see I'm not supposed to lend them out.
所以这个女人，她到底在抗♥议♥什么？
So this woman, what's she protesting about?
谁？她？抗♥议♥？
Who? Her? Protest?
天哪，我不知道耶
Oh god I don't know.
你得自己去问她
You'll have to ask her.
别问我，文斯，你干嘛要问我？
Don't ask me, why are you asking me Vince?
我不知道啦，我没时间和你闲聊，我得走了
I don't know. I can't stand around chatting to you, I gotta go.
是啊，谢谢…你太棒了
Yeah, thanks, thanks. Lovely.
带上燃烧的金弓给我
Bring me my bow of burning gold,
带上渴望的箭矢给我
bring me arrows of desire.
带上…
Bring...
怎么…
What? What? Oh.
好啦，快滚
Right. Move.
新资讯已经浮出水面
New information has come to light
我现在就要擦亮这颗鹰嘴豆了
and I'm about to buff a chickpea.
没拖把你也清不了吧？
You're going to struggle to clean without your mop aren't you?
那不是拖把
That is not a mop.
那是我的微纤维聚丙烯野牛
That is a micro fibre polypropylene bison.
是一项专业设备
It's a piece of specialist equipment
而作为一名专家
and as a specialist,
我总是会带着备用品
I always carry a spare.
小心
On guard.
-吃我这招 -天哪
-Suck on that. -Bloody hell.
投降吧
Yield.
我们就是这么做的
That's how we do it.
真是荒谬，就不能让一个人，安安静静地做他的工作吗？疯子
Ridiculous, can't a man do his job in peace. Nutter.
你叫我什么？
What did you call me?
肥皂泡泡来了
One soapy bollock coming up.
我会秃头吗？
Am I going to go bald?
不会
No.
它的酸度跟家用醋差不多
This acidity is much the same as household vinegar.
如果真要说会有什么区别的话，就是让头发更有光泽、减少毛躁
If anything it makes it a bit more shinier and a reduction in frizz.
真的吗？那我回家可以试试